Everything Changes (34 page)

Kayla had no answer. Nothing. With her shoulders
curled over her chest, her arms clutching her waist, she looked from me to
Parker but didn’t speak.

In a mixture of frustration and rage, he flung
his arms away from Collin and Kurt with a growl but didn’t say any more.

We all stared at him, waiting to see what he was
going to do. Slowly, his breath became more even as Collin whispered a few
other things to him and a representative from Yamaha stepped forward to push
him towards the staging area.

Commotion was all around us as other riders rode
past with their mechanics and took to the staging area. It was time. I could
see Kurt to my left waiting to take me to the airport. I gave him a nod but
then looked back at Parker who was staring at his bike. I stared back at him,
willing him to look at me, but he didn’t. He kept his eyes carefully averted.
He felt what this was. I knew he did, which was why he wouldn’t look at me. I
couldn’t stand this wall he had erected between us, but I helped build it. What
did I really expect would happen?

Kurt smiled at me, a cell phone attached to his
ear, barking orders at someone, keeping his eyes on his friend. “Ready to go,
Rowan?”

“Yeah.” My voice sounded unnaturally casual for
the situation.

Kurt glanced at Parker suspiciously and then back
to me. Parker cleared his throat and then backed away, one hand rested on the
seat of his bike, the other holding his helmet at his hip.

I looked at him trying not to let my panic show
on my face.

“Parker…”

“I’ll call you tonight. Please answer,” he said.
His eyes met mine for just a second, but it was like he wasn’t even there. He
was vacant, detached, and he was already backing away.

“Okay.”

That was all he needed to be released. He turned
on his heel and started to walk towards the staging area with Collin. Kayla
remained standing under the tent with her head down, shoulders slumped.

Parker looked similar with his back hunched over.
His hands fidgeted with the tear offs on his helmet and the water bottle in his
hand. He was nervous and not for racing. He was nervous that tonight was the
last night I would pick up the phone.

For years I had let this situation rule me. I had
my mind set on the illusion that I could never completely have Parker the way I
wanted. I tormented myself over what he was to me, only to fall right back
under the spell every time he called. I was blind.

Every call I was drawn back into him. He wasn’t
someone I could move on from. I tried. I put my entire fucking life on hold for
him, and I was at the point where I hated him for it. I hated his career and
Kayla and the lifestyle that tore us apart. I didn’t want to love him. I didn’t
want the phone to ring or hear him beg me to come. The harder I resisted him,
the harder the pull was.

CHAPTER
19

Parker
O’Neil

Panic Rev

A panic rev is a typical
reaction when a rider sees that his front end is low in the air. Riders can
sometimes bring the front end back up by tapping the rear brakes.

January
5, 2002

Every day I prayed that I wouldn’t fall apart if
one day she stopped answering the phone. Only now it had finally come to that.
I wasn’t so sure that I would hear from her again after tonight. There was
something in her eyes, and then of course her words, that told me she was done.
I didn’t want to believe it. I held out hope that if I called tonight, she
would answer.

And then of course there was Kayla who I intended
on dealing with after the race.

As I approached the staging area, I looked back
and no longer saw Rowan or Kurt.

Collin nudged my ribs. “Get your mind here,
buddy. Don’t think about her right now.”

I knew I needed to focus, but I couldn’t stop
myself from wondering if it was really over. The thought made me physically
sick.

I’d crashed more than I cared to admit in my
career. I’d suffered a broken wrist here, a broken leg there. Broken ankles,
arms, toes, I’d been knocked unconscious, had double vision for six weeks, and
nearly had my rib cage crushed.

Nothing compared to seeing Rowan that night in
Anaheim and the look in her eyes when Kayla said that to her. There was hurt,
frustration for what we had become, and regret for letting it happen.

I was distracted, but that wasn’t the problem.
Sure, my mind played with me wondering if she wanted more or less from me and
what exactly Kayla had said to her over the years.

The thing was that I wanted more so bad at that
point I was ready to leave my factory ride for her. That was saying something.
Why couldn’t Ro see that?

Injuries happened. There was no way around it
motorcycle racing. It was a part of the sport and you needed to accept that
long before you ever threw a leg over a bike. Sometimes you had second thoughts
when you ended up in the emergency room, but once the bone healed, you forgot
all about that.

The problem was broken bones heal; broken hearts
don’t. I loved Rowan back then, and still, after five years, I loved her just
as much. She never gave me a choice. It was just what she made it out to be,
but then again, I never pushed the issue.

In my five year career in the AMA Supercross and
outdoor Motocross, I had nine championships under my belt. I was the best rider
in the sport right now with the most wins.

That all ended under the lights of Edison
International field in Anaheim, my home track.

During the introductions, while they played 50
Cents’
In Da Club
, I did a few tricks
—
the standard shit that got the crowd on their
fucking feet and primed for a night of racing and bar banging action. Grabbing
a handful of throttle, my 450 screamed as I soared through the air landing a
double. Then I went for the triple. That was when it went wrong. The bike
sputtered, lost power, and nosedived.

My body hit the ground, and the next thing I knew
I was waking up in the emergency room.

When they told me about my injuries, I knew what
that meant. My career as a professional Supercross racer was over. I knew what
that wreck signified for me, what no other mishap in my career ever had—the
beginning of the end.

This was the life I chose. The career I chose,
over her, and it was over.

CHAPTER 20

Rowan Jensen

Hairpin

A hairpin is a tight
corner that usually doubles back on itself and tests the rider’s control and
reflexes.

January
6, 2002

Anaheim,
CA – SPEED NEWS

Parker
Aaron O’Neil, Supercross/Motocross champion and freestyle Motocross racer, was
airlifted to a local hospital from injuries suffered during a crash Saturday
night at the season opener in Anaheim for the 2002 AMA Supercross. O’Neil, a
Long Beach resident, is reported to be in a medically induced coma at
Cedar-Sinai with swelling of the brain and a possible spinal cord injury.
Nicknamed “
Pitbull
” because of his tenacity on a
motorcycle, O’Neil was injured after failing to fully rotate a back-flip
variation while soaring some one hundred feet in the air. He slammed headfirst
into the dirt on the down-slope. The trick involved extending the body away
from the motorcycle and grabbing the seat as the motorcycle is upside down,
then pulling back aboard as the motorcycle is righted before landing. O’Neil
clearly had trouble getting back on the seat, and some witnesses said the bike
sputtered and that may have been a factor. O’Neil, who was born in Canoga Park
in 1980, had been riding motorcycles since he was three and turned pro at
fourteen. He was coming off his most successful year in 2001 having won four
back-to-back Supercross Championships and three back-to-back outdoor Motocross
championships. He won an X-Games gold medal in the freestyle Motocross
competition last summer and followed it up with an Australian Supercross
Championship over the winter. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his
family.”

That was the announcement made by the American
Motorcycle Association. After reading it, I cried.

The moment I actually saw the crash on the
television, I called Kurt. “Is he okay?”

Enormous tears sat heavy on my lids as I watched
the replay, my bottom lip trembling when I saw his lifeless body lying in the
dirt.

“I’m not sure, Rowan. They airlifted him to
Cedar-Sinai. Have you seen Justin? He’s not answering his cell phone.” The
panic in his voice was evident. He was scared. “Jack and Michelle just arrived.
They’re asking for you too.”

“
Addy
and Justin are in
Seattle for the weekend with Bryce.” Bryce was their one-year-old son.

“What happened? Was it because of our argument?”
I hated to think that I had caused this, but we had just been fighting and who
knew if that affected him in the race. My stomach was in knots, and I thought
for sure at any moment I was going to vomit.

“No, his bike sputtered when he was going for a
jump. It had nothing to do with you.” Kurt’s tone seemed off but given the
circumstances, I understood he was scared. “You should come…” Kurt said. “He
would want you to come.”

I shook my head and the motion set the tears loose,
sending them down my cheeks. I wanted to run to Parker so bad. I wanted to be
there with him every step of the way and see that he was all right.

Kurt knew our situation, our arrangement, our
whatever. He knew what had happened in Anaheim before the race. He’d known for
years since he was the one arranging flights for Parker and I so we could
continue whatever it was we had. He was also the one that drove me back to the
airport the other night when I cried the entire way.

“I can’t.” My voice was muffled from the tears.
The thought of him hanging on to life in the hospital and it was tearing me
apart, more so the fact that I couldn’t make myself go to him when I was sure I
was the one person he needed right now. “I can’t see him like that.”

“See him like that?” Kurt was quiet and all I
heard was a heavy sigh. “Rowan, please don’t break his heart.” He was begging.
“Not now.”

“I can’t Kurt…” I was hurting too. “I just
can’t…” Maybe I was being stupid, maybe we had been stupid, but I couldn’t go.

“It’s a bullshit excuse and you know it,” he said
before hanging up.

It was a bullshit excuse. I knew that. It was me
being stupid as usual.

I called
Addy
after
that and then watched every news station and the AMA website for anything
related to his injury. They all indicated the same thing. A medical induced
coma for swelling to his brain, a broken neck, a spinal cord injury, a
separated shoulder, facial fractures, broken ribs, a punctured lung, a broken
left arm, and a ruptured spleen. He was
not
okay, that was for sure.

“Why don’t you go to him, Rowan?”
Addy
asked, her tears muffling her words. “He needs you
right now. Justin just booked a flight. He can pick you up tomorrow morning.”

“I can’t do it,
Addy
.
If I see him like that, I won’t leave him.” I was trying to make her see what
that would do to me, but it was me that couldn’t see. I never saw the situation
for what it was. My own stupidity and excuses were the reasons why I couldn’t
have Parker.

“And what’s the problem with not leaving? He
loves you, you love him. Why do you guys do this to each other?”

That was when I shut down.

It ripped my heart out when I wasn’t with him,
but after Anaheim I just couldn’t put myself through that anymore. I had to
move on as bad as that hurt. I told myself that but I didn’t exactly believe
it.

Kurt, though I didn’t deserve it, sent me updates
over the next few hours and days. All of which I hid from Sean.

“Hey, Ro?” Sean called out one evening after
they’d performed the second surgery on Parker’s neck and spinal cord. My composure
was barely there. I cringed when he said Ro. I hated the feeling that crept
into my bones because Parker called me that. Every time Sean called me that, I
wanted it to be Parker.

“Yeah?” Slipping my phone into my pocket, I tried
to make it appear like I wasn’t just crying.

“Are you okay?” I imagined he was pressing his
ear to the door of our bedroom. For the last year, we had been living together.

“Yeah, Sean, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Once again, to avoid being caught with feelings I
wasn’t allowed to have any longer, I put up the front I was so good at. I felt
like I had this weight on me, one that was slowing crushing me, and sooner or
later I wouldn’t be able to walk without stumbling to the ground and stumbling
came sooner than I would have liked.

Rowan
Jensen

Fade

This happens when a rider gets worn and fades to
the back.

June
13, 2002