Everything Changes (29 page)

“Sure it does.” I think in her own way there was
some kind of meaning behind her words.

Soon my life went back to normal as if I had
never went to see Parker. Between school and work, my life was on hold for late
night phone calls and glimpses of him on television. I watched every race I
could and stalked the internet for any mention of his name.

My favorite part about watching him on television
was when they would interview him. In Texas they interviewed him prior to the
race and you would have thought the President was speaking with how engrossed I
was.

They caught up with him after the heat races.
“I’m here with Parker O’Neil, the fastest qualifier here in the 125cc
Lites
. He definitely has this track dialed in, but, Parker,
is this one of those tracks that you’ll be able to step up the intensity on?”
Parker stood next to the sports broadcaster with his blue Yamaha hat on, a mess
of chocolate hair peeking out on the sides. He looked good and that depressed
me a little because he looked happy and I definitely wasn’t.

“Oh absolutely,” he said to the broadcaster, his
smile bright. He moved his hand to his hat, adjusting it as he fidgeted, his
other hand hanging loosely on his hip. He still wasn’t comfortable being in the
spotlight. “You know that twenty lapper is gonna be tough, and it’s a good
thing to have that number one starting spot, but it’s gonna be tough...but uh,
the level of intensity is always high. You
gotta
be
ready for it.”

“Well good luck tonight.”

“Thank you.” Parker looked at the camera as they
panned out slightly, giving a full view. He smiled and winked at the camera. I
nearly died, as dramatic as that sounds.

Amongst my television stalking, I had a box full
of newspaper clippings, magazines with him on the cover, and letters that he
would send me. It was like I had a Parker O’Neil shrine.

Before long, I found myself turning to comfort
when I was home. Usually, this was found with
Addy
and Justin, both of which provided me a friendship I didn’t deserve. I was
hardly there for them when they needed me. My heart was playing games I loved
someone I couldn’t have and I hated her for it. I felt like my heart was using
me.

I wondered, as I always did, who was in Parker’s
arms now. The part that remembered our tearful goodbye told me no one was in his
arms. It told me that he was waiting for me and waiting for everything to
change again.

July
18, 1998

Over the spring and graduation approached, I
found myself turning towards Sean.

It wasn’t that I was attracted to Sean. As far as
I was concerned, Parker was the only one that I had interest in.

Conveniently, Sean was there every time I had a
breakdown and comforted me in ways I needed, just being a friend to talk to
though he never knew the reason behind it. I never spoke of Parker to anyone,
not even
Addy
.

The problem? The problem was that Sean had other
ideas about our friendship.

When he kissed me in late July, and I hadn’t
heard from Parker in close to a month, I didn’t stop him. And when he asked me
out on a date, I went with him. Sean knew all about Parker and the fact that I
was still talking to him. He also knew, though he looked past this, that Parker
had my heart.

Sean was a great guy but he wasn’t Parker.

So many times I wanted to tell Sean that I would
never be what he wanted me to be, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to begin the
conversation and that kept me quiet.

My life was on hold, waiting on phone calls. I
didn’t make college plans because I didn’t want to be tied down. What if Parker
called?

I lived for those phone calls. When he wouldn’t
call, I fell into depression. I was constantly searching information about him,
watching for any indication he had moved on. Then when I gave up hope, he would
call.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
after I graduated high school. I intended on going to a community college until
I figured it out, but I also didn’t have a lot of motivation to even do that.
Instead of making a decision, I continued working for my dad.

From the time I was old enough to understand how
a business worked, I wanted to help him with the family business. I understood
that I was needed. At least someone needed me so that felt good.

Life changed again when the outdoor Motocross
series came to Washougal, and Justin and
Addy
were
heading that way to watch Parker. Sure enough, two days before the race, Parker
called and asked that I come too. We talked every few weeks, and I moved past
thinking I was just a booty call. It seemed more than that, so I agreed.
Addy
was on me about my relationship with Parker the entire
drive to Washougal.

“Why don’t you just travel with him?”
Addy
asked, twisting in the passenger seat of Justin’s car
to look back at me.

Justin met my eyes in the rearview mirror. “It’s
not a bad idea, Rowan…Parker would love that.”

The part they were forgetting was Parker hadn’t
asked me to and there was no way I was going to suggest that. I didn’t want him
to think I was forcing myself into his life. If he wanted me to, he would ask.

When we arrived at the track, Parker was signing
autographs in the Yamaha tent along with Wesley. They both had their heads down
focused on what they were doing when Justin yelled in his direction. “O’Neil!”

Parker’s head shot up, his brow furrowed as he
searched the crowd for the familiar voice. When he spotted Justin, he smiled
brightly, tipping his head at him. Then he saw me and his smile got a little
bigger and the grin twisted. He blinked slowly, his eyes adjusting like he was
memorizing me. I knew the feeling because I was doing the same.

Wesley laughed beside him, whispered something in
his ear, and elbowed him as the line of fans in the tent began increase, all
pushing posters and hats in their direction.

Justin chuckled and set
Addy
down on the ground. He had given her a piggy back so she wouldn’t get lost in
the crowd.
 
“I take it you’re the one he
wants to see…not me.”

I laughed along with
Addy
.
“Oh, babe, you’re his brother, but she gives it up to him.”

She had a point.

Being at the track around the familiar smells I
always associated with Parker was like coming home. I enjoyed the outdoor
Motocross as opposed to the Supercross series because it felt more like my time
with Parker and how we fell in love.

There were two distinctly different styles of
racing sanctioned by the AMA that made up the sport: Supercross and Motocross.
Both drew different demands and different cultures. Where Supercross was glitz
and glamor, Motocross was grueling and dirty.

The sixteen round Supercross series ran from
January to May in football arenas with manufactured jumps, doubles, set-ups,
hairpin turns, and whoops. Each race, aside from the Daytona SX, was on
Saturday nights. When racing in Supercross, it paid to be smooth and consistent
on the technical demanding track. Motocross was a different animal all together
and required more training which resulted in Parker calling less. Now, at the
track, I understood why.

The action here was wide open at higher speeds.
If you messed up in either division and you would be visiting the local ER. It
was dangerous but Parker shined in Motocross.
 
It was like coming home for him.

The season for the outdoor Motocross season began
the weekend after the last Supercross race and included twelve rounds that ran
through September. So far in the ‘98 season, Parker had won the first seven
rounds and was on his way to a perfect season. Motocross tracks, like
Washougal, were carved right out of hillsides and had fewer obstacles than the
Supercross track had. When you looked at your average Motocross track, you’d
find steep, grueling, and fast down hills that broke into off-chamber sweeping
turns with deep ruts and rocks the size of footballs, everything Parker had
trained for growing up. Motocross also raced on Sunday afternoons and didn’t
have the roofs stadiums had, so the riders encountered more of the unforgiving
sun and inclement weather.

Another big difference was the race format.
Motocross determined the winner with two thirty minute
motos
plus two laps. Where you placed in the second
moto
counted more than the first. Supercross was broken down into two qualifying
sessions with four riders from each transferring into the main. Then you have
two semi-finals with five riders from each transferring into the main. Then you
have the last chance qualifier where two more lucky riders transfer to the
twenty lap main consisting of twenty riders.

It was Saturday afternoon when we got to
Washougal. Parker wasn’t racing until tomorrow. That left a little time for us
to spend together. Though
Addy
and Justin were here,
it was kind of nice to have us all together.

Jack and Michelle were there too, of course. They
traveled with Parker everywhere. It was nice to know that he had them there
with him.
 

When we went to dinner, Parker and I sat next to
each other in the small booth, every part of me touching every part of him. His
hand was high on my thigh when Kayla stopped by our table. Laughter broke out
at something Parker said, a snide comment towards his brother, a remark I
didn’t catch. Kayla cleared her throat and looked at me. “Oh, wow, haven’t seen
you are in a while Rowan.”

She had seen me around. I saw her in Anaheim and
then again Daytona and Houston. She was just trying to get to me.

“Where’s Anna, Parker?” Kayla asked, still
focused on my reaction.

Anna was Lonnie’s daughter. She and Parker were
together in some photos that I had seen, but I never read into those all that
much because of she had to work closely with Parker and his obligations for the
sponsor.

Kayla was trying to make me jealous.

Parker squeezed my thigh under the table and
leaned in a little more quietly attempting to reassure me. “No, haven’t seen
her today. Check with Wesley. He may have seen her.”

Some would think Parker was using me, a
comforting face in a lifestyle of constant change. I’m not sure I always
believed that, but it was easy to fall prey to that when I would see Kayla
hovering around. She was quick to let me go down the path of lies and even
fueled them when she told me I was simply an itch he had to scratch my last day
in Washougal.

I didn’t want to believe her, but after a while
it started to feel that way. He was using me. It hurt to believe that, but then
again, I wasn’t any better. I had Sean back home willing to give me everything
I ever wanted out of a relationship, but I barely let him touch me.

Instead of falling victim to Kayla and her web of
lies, I found what I needed physically from Parker when he would call. And
towards the end of his Motocross season, it was more often.

Addy
tried
her hardest that night to get me to ask Parker to continue out the rest of the
season with him. “Parker, she just graduated and I’ve got things covered at the
shop… Ro should go with you to Spring Creek Nationals.”

His hand played with his bottom lip and Parker
smiled softly.
 
He acted like he was
going to say something and then I spoke. “
Addy
, I
can’t. Besides, Parker’s has a lot on his mind. The last thing he needs is a
tagalong.”

Parker didn’t say anymore after that. His
demeanor the rest of the evening was different, guarded. It didn’t stop us from
reconnecting once we were at the hotel.

I wasn’t sure if Parker wanted me with him all
the time, though the thought of it made me giddy. He never asked.

August
15, 1998

I might not have asked in Washougal, but come
round eleven of the outdoor Motocross season, I was demanding answers. I knew the
situation before us wasn’t ideal and that Parker was one race away from his
perfect season and first championship in the 125cc
Lites
Motocross series, but I still wanted answers.

“What is this?” I sighed knowing what a fucking
idiot we were both being in all this

“What?” he asked, staring up at the ceiling of
the hotel room, his arms draped over his head as if he knew how dumb this was
and how badly we were hurting each other.

“Us...” I motioned around the bed of tangled
sheets and scattered pillows making myself look him in the eye “...what are we
doing?”

“Whatever you want it to be.” His tone was casual
but his eyes were anxious. He moved and twisted to hover over me again. His
left hand moved under the sheets, raising my right thigh up his hip.

“No, it’s not.” I finally said, my eyes closed
when he entered me for the third time that morning. “If it was what I wanted, I
wouldn’t be leaving tomorrow.”

“Stay then.” His eyes moved to mine. He was
trying to keep the conversation light, but it wasn’t, and he knew damn well it
wasn’t. There was hurt and resentment for what we were doing though we both
avoided it. “You could come to Lake Elsinore next week.”