Every Good Boy Deserves Favor and Professional Foul (5 page)

DOCTOR:
(
Suddenly
) Wait a minute!—what day is it?

IVANOV:
I have never
had
an orchestra!
(
Silence
.
The
DOCTOR,
however, has become preoccupied and misses the significance of this
.)

DOCTOR:
What day is it?
Tuesday?
(
IVANOV
strikes the triangle
.)

IVANOV:
I do not want an orchestra!
(
Silence
.)

DOCTOR:
(
Horrified
) What time is it? I'm going to be late for the orchestra!
(
The
DOCTOR
grabs his violin case and starts to leave
.
IVANOV
strikes his triangle
.)

IVANOV:
There is no orchestra!

DOCTOR:
(
Leaving
) Of course there's a bloody orchestra!
(
Music—one chord
.
IVANOV
hears it and is mortified. More chords. The
DOCTOR
has left
.)

IVANOV:
(
Bewildered
) I have an orchestra.
(
Music
.)
I've
always
had an orchestra.
(
Music
.)
I always
knew
I had an orchestra.
(
Music
.
ALEXANDER
has gone to sit on his bed
.
IVANOV
sits in the
DOCTOR
'
s chair. The
DOCTOR
joins the violinists
.
SACHA
moves across towards
IVANOV.
The music continues and ends
.)

IVANOV:
Come in.

SACHA:
Alexander Ivanov, sir.

IVANOV:
Absolutely correct. Who are you?

SACHA:
Alexander Ivanov, sir.

IVANOV:
The boy's a fool.

SACHA:
They said to come, sir. Is it about my father?

IVANOV:
What's his name?

SACHA:
Alexander Ivanov, sir.

IVANOV:
This place is a madhouse.

SACHA:
I know, sir.
Are you the doctor?

IVANOV:
Ivanov!
Of course. Sad case.

SACHA:
What's the matter with him?

IVANOV:
Tone deaf. Are you musical at all?

SACHA:
No, sir.

IVANOV:
What is your instrument?

SACHA:
Triangle, sir.
Is it about
that
that I'm here?

IVANOV:
Certainly, what else?

SACHA:
Drum, sir.

IVANOV:
What?

SACHA:
Don't make me stay! I'll go back in the orchestra!

IVANOV:
You can be in mine.

SACHA:
I can't play anything, really.

IVANOV:
Everyone is equal to the triangle. That is the first axiom of Euclid, the Greek musician.

SACHA:
Yes, sir.

IVANOV:
The second axiom! It is easier for a sick man to play the triangle than for a camel to play the triangle. The third axiom!—even a camel can play the triangle! The
pons asinorum
of Euclid! Anyone can play the triangle no matter how sick!

SACHA:
Yes, sir— (
Crying
.)—please will you put me with Papa?

IVANOV:
(
Raving
) The five postulates of Euclid!
A triangle with a bass is a combo!
Two triangles sharing the same bass is a trio!

SACHA:
Are you the doctor?

IVANOV:
A trombone is the longest distance between two points!

SACHA:
You're not the doctor.

IVANOV:
A string has length but no point.

SACHA:
(
Cries
) Papa!

IVANOV:
What is the Golden Rule?

SACHA:
Papa!

IVANOV:
(
Shouts
) A line
must be drawn!

SACHA
runs out of
IVANOV
'
s light and moves into the orchestra among the players. The next four of
SACHA
'
s speeches, which are sung, come from different positions as he moves around the orchestra platform. There is music involved in the following scene
.

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Papa, where've they put you?
(
ALEXANDER
'
s ‘poems' are uttered rapidly on a single rhythm
.)

ALEXANDER:
Dear Sacha, don't be sad,
it would have been ten times as bad
if we hadn't had the time we had,
so think of that and please be glad.
I kiss you now, your loving dad.
Don't let them tell you I was mad.

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Papa, don't be rigid!
Everything can be all right!

ALEXANDER:
Dear Sacha, try to see
what they call their liberty
is just the freedom to agree
that one and one is sometimes three.
I kiss you now, remember me.
Don't neglect your geometry.

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Papa, don't be rigid!
Everything can be all right!

ALEXANDER:
Dear Sacha, when I'm dead,
I'll be living in your head,
which is what your mama said,
keep her picture by your bed.
I kiss you now, and don't forget,
if you're brave the best is yet.

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Papa, don't be rigid!
Be brave and tell them lies!

CELL

SACHA:
(
Not singing
) Tell them lies. Tell them they've cured you.
Tell them you're grateful.

ALEXANDER:
How can that be right?

SACHA:
If they're wicked how can it be wrong?

ALEXANDER:
It helps them to go on being wicked. It helps people to think that perhaps they're not so wicked after all.

SACHA:
It doesn't matter. I want you to come home.

ALEXANDER:
And what about all the other fathers? And mothers?

SACHA:
(
Shouts
) It's wicked to let yourself die!
(
SACHA
leaves
.)

The
DOCTOR
moves from the orchestra to the
SCHOOL
.

DOCTOR:
Ivanov!

ALEXANDER:
Dear Sacha—
be glad of—
kiss Mama's picture—
good-bye.

DOCTOR:
Ivanov!
(
IVANOV
moves to
CELL.
)
Ivanov!
(
SACHA
moves towards the
SCHOOL
.)

ALEXANDER:
(
Rapidly as before
)
Dear Sacha, I love you,
I hope you love me too.
To thine own self be true
one and one is always two.
I kiss you now, adieu.
There was nothing else to do.

SCHOOL

SACHA
arrives at
SCHOOL. DOCTOR
is there
.

TEACHER
has remained near the desk
.

TEACHER:
Sacha. Did you persuade him?

SACHA:
He's going to die.

DOCTOR:
I'm not allowed to let him die.

SACHA:
Then let him go.

DOCTOR:
I'm not allowed to let him go till he admits he's cured.

SACHA:
Then he'll die.

DOCTOR:
He'd rather die than admit he's cured? This is madness, and it's not allowed!

SACHA:
Then you'll have to let him go.

DOCTOR:
I'm not allowed to—it's a logical impasse. Did you tell him he mustn't be so rigid?

SACHA:
If you want to get rid of Papa,
you
must not be rigid!

DOCTOR:
What shall I tell the Colonel? He's a genius but he can't do the impossible.
(
Organ music. The
COLONEL
'
s entrance is as impressive as possible. The organ accompanies his entrance.
The
DOCTOR
moves to meet him. The
COLONEL
ignores the
DOCTOR.
He stops in front of
ALEXANDER
and
IVANOV.
When the organ music stops the
COLONEL
speaks
.)

CELL

COLONEL:
Ivanov!
(
ALEXANDER
and
IVANOV
stand up
.)
(
To
IVANOV
.) Alexander Ivanov?

IVANOV:
Yes.

COLONEL:
Do you believe that sane people are put in mental hospitals?

DOCTOR:
Excuse me, Doctor—

COLONEL:
Shut up!—
(
To
IVANOV
.) Well? Would a Soviet doctor put a sane man into a lunatic asylum, in your opinion?

IVANOV:
(
Baffled
) I shouldn't think so. Why?

COLONEL:
(
Briskly
) Quite right! How do you feel?

IVANOV:
Fit as a fiddle, thank you.

COLONEL:
Quite right!
(
The
COLONEL
turns to
ALEXANDER.
)
Alexander Ivanov?

ALEXANDER:
Yes.

COLONEL:
Do you have an orchestra?
(
IVANOV
opens his mouth to speak
.)
(
To
IVANOV
.) Shut up!
(
To
ALEXANDER
.) Well?

ALEXANDER:
No.

COLONEL:
Do you hear any music of any kind?

ALEXANDER:
No.

COLONEL:
How do you feel?

ALEXANDER:
All right.

COLONEL:
Manners!

ALEXANDER:
Thank you.

COLONEL:
(
To
DOCTOR
) There's absolutely nothing wrong with these men. Get them out of here.

DOCTOR:
Yes, Colonel—Doctor.
(
The
COLONEL
'
s exit is almost as impressive as his entrance, also with organ music. But this time the organ music blends into orchestral music—the finale
.)

The
TEACHER
moves into the orchestra. The
DOCTOR
moves to the violins taking his instrument and joining in
.
IVANOV
takes his triangle and joins the percussionists and beats the triangle
.
SACHA
comes across to the middle of the platform at the bottom. These directions assume a centre aisle going up the middle of the orchestra towards the organ
.
ALEXANDER
and
SACHA
move up this aisle
,
SACHA
running ahead. At the top he turns and sings to the same tune as before:

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Papa, don't be crazy!
Everything can be all right!

ALEXANDER:
Sacha—

SACHA:
(
Sings
) Everything can be all right!
(
Music. Music ends
.)

P
ROFESSIONAL
F
OUL
A Play for Television

To Vaclav Havel

Characters

ANDERSON

MCKENDRICK

CHETWYN

HOLLAR

BROADBENT

CRISP

STONE

CAPTAIN
(
MAN
6)

POLICEMAN
(
MAN
1)

POLICEMAN
(
MAN
2)

POLICEMAN
(
MAN
3)

POLICEMAN
(
MAN
4)

POLICEMAN
(
MAN
5)

MRS HOLLAR

SACHA
(ten years old)

GRAYSON

CHAMBERLAIN

FRENCHMAN

CHAIRMAN

CLERK, LIFT OPERATORS, CONCIERGES, INTERPRETERS, CUSTOMS, POLICE
, etc.

Professional Foul
was first shown on BBC TV in September 1977. The cast was as follows: