Every Good Boy Deserves Favor and Professional Foul (13 page)

ANDERSON:
Tomorrow.

SACHA:
Yes tomorrow. You give him the writing. Is called Jan. Is O.K. Good friend.
(
ANDERSON
nods
.)

ANDERSON:
Jan.

SACHA:
(
In Czech
) He'll bring it to the university hall for Jan tomorrow. (
SACHA
stands up
.) We go home now.
(
MRS HOLLAR
gets up and shakes hands with
ANDERSON.
)

ANDERSON:
I'm sorry … What will happen to him?

MRS HOLLAR:
(
In Czech
) What was that?

SACHA:
(
In Czech
) He wants to know what will happen to Daddy.

MRS HOLLAR:
Ruzyne.

SACHA:
That is the prison. Ruzyne.
(
Pause
.)

ANDERSON:
I will, of course, try to help in England. I'll write letters. The Czech Ambassador … I have friends, too, in our government—
(
ANDERSON
realizes that the boy has started to cry. He is specially taken aback because he has been talking to him like an adult
.)
Now listen—I am personally friendly with important people—the Minister of Education—people like that.

MRS HOLLAR:
(
In Czech but to
ANDERSON
) Please help Pavel—

ANDERSON:
Mrs Hollar—I will do everything I can for him.
(
He watches
MRS HOLLAR
and
SACHA
walk away into the dark
.)

10. INT. ANDERSON'S ROOM. NIGHT

ANDERSON
is lying fully dressed on the bed. His eyes open. Only light from the window. There are faint voices from
GRAYSON
'
s room. After a while
ANDERSON
gets up and leaves his room and knocks on
GRAYSON
'
s door
.

Exterior
GRAYSON
'
s room
.

GRAYSON
opens his door
.

GRAYSON:
Oh hello. Sorry, are we making too much noise?

ANDERSON:
No, it's all right, but I heard you were still up and I wondered if I could ask a favour of you. I wonder if I could borrow your typewriter.

GRAYSON:
My typewriter?

ANDERSON:
Yes.

GRAYSON:
Well, I'm leaving in the morning.

ANDERSON:
I'll let you have it back first thing. I'm leaving on the afternoon plane myself.

GRAYSON:
Oh—all right then.

ANDERSON:
That's most kind.
(
During the above the voices from the room have been semiaudible
.
MCKENDRICK
'
s voice, rather drunk, but articulate, is heard
.)

MCKENDRICK:
(
His voice only, heard underneath the above dialogue
) Now, listen to me, I'm a professional philosopher. You'll do well to listen to what I have to say.

ANDERSON:
That sounds as if you've got McKendrick in there.

GRAYSON:
Oh—is he one of yours?

ANDERSON:
I wouldn't put it like that.

GRAYSON:
He's getting as tight as a tick.

ANDERSON:
Yes.

GRAYSON:
You couldn't collect him, could you? He's going to get clouted in a minute.

ANDERSON:
Go ahead and clout him, if you like.

GRAYSON:
It's not me. It's Broadbent and a couple of the lads. Your pal sort of latched on to us in the bar. He really ought to be getting home.

ANDERSON:
I'll see what I can do.
(
ANDERSON
follows
GRAYSON
into the room
.)

MCKENDRICK:
How can you expect the kids to be little gentlemen when their heroes behave like yobs—answer me that—no—you haven't answered my question—if you've got yobs on the fields you're going to have yobs on the terraces.
(
Interior
GRAYSON
'
s room
.
MCKENDRICK
is the only person standing up. He is holding court, with a bottle of whisky in one hand and his glass in the other. Around this small room are
BROADBENT, CRISP, CHAMBERLAIN,
and perhaps one or two members of the England squad. Signs of a bottle party
.)

GRAYSON:
(
Closing his door
) I thought philosophers were quiet, studious sort of people.

ANDERSON:
Well, some of us are.

MCKENDRICK:
(
Shouts
) Anderson! You're the very man I want to see! We're having a philosophical discussion about the yob ethics of professional footballers—

BROADBENT:
You want to watch it, mate.

MCKENDRICK:
Roy here is sensitive because he gave away a penalty today, by a deliberate foul. To stop a certain goal he hacked a chap down. After all, a penalty might be saved and broken legs are quite rare—
(
BROADBENT
stands up but
MCKENDRICK
pacifies him with a gesture
.)
it's perfectly all right—you were adopting the utilitarian values of the game, for the good of the team, for England! But I'm not talking about particular acts of expediency. No, I'm talking about the whole
ethos
.

ANDERSON:
McKendrick, don't you think, it's about time we retired?

MCKENDRICK:
(
Ignoring him
) Now, I've played soccer for years. Years and
years
. I played soccer from the age of
eight
until I was
thirteen
. At which point I went to a rugger school. Even so, Tommy here will tell you that I still consider myself something of a left winger. (
This is to
CRISP
.) Sorry about that business in the lift, by the way, Tommy. Well, one thing I remember clearly from my years and
years
of soccer is that if two players go for a ball which then goes into touch, there's never any doubt
among those players
which of them touched the ball last. I can't remember one occasion in all those years and
years
when the player who touched the ball last didn't realize it. So, what I want to know
is
—why is it that on Match of the Day, every time the bloody ball goes into touch,
both
players claim the throw-in for their own side? I merely ask for information. Is it because they are very, very stupid or is it because a dishonest advantage is as welcome as an honest one?

CHAMBERLAIN:
Well, look, it's been a long evening, old chap—

ANDERSON:
Tomorrow is another day, McKendrick.

MCKENDRICK:
Tomorrow, in my experience, is usually the same day. Have a drink—

ANDERSON:
No thank you.

MCKENDRICK:
Here's a question for anthropologists. Name me a tribe which organizes itself into teams for sporting encounters and greets every score against their opponents with paroxysms of childish glee, whooping, dancing and embracing in an ecstasy of crowing self-congratulation in the very midst of their disconsolate fellows?—Who are these primitives who pile all their responses into the immediate sensation, unaware or uncaring of the long undulations of life's fortunes? Yes, you've got it! (
He chants the Match of the Day signature tune
.) It's the yob-of-the-month competition, entries on a postcard please. But the question
is—is it because they're working class, or is it because financial greed has corrupted them? Or is it both?

ANDERSON:
McKendrick, you are being offensive.

MCKENDRICK:
Anderson is one of life's cricketers. Clap, clap. (
He claps in a well-bred sort of way and puts on a well-bred voice
.) Well played, sir. Bad luck, old chap. The comparison with cricket may suggest to you that yob ethics are working class.
(
BROADBENT
comes up to
MCKENDRICK
and pushes him against the wall
.
MCKENDRICK
is completely unconcerned, escapes and continues without pause
.)
But you would be quite wrong. Let me refer you to a typical rugby team of Welsh miners. A score is acknowledged with pride but with restraint, the scorer himself composing his features into an expressionless mask lest he might be suspected of exulting in his opponents' misfortune—my God, it does the heart good, doesn't it? I conclude that yob ethics are caused by financial greed.

ANDERSON:
Don't be such an ass.
(
MCKENDRICK
takes this as an intellectual objection
.)

MCKENDRICK:
You think it's the adulation, perhaps? (
To
CRISP.
)
Is it the adulation, Tommy, which has corrupted you?

CRISP:
What's he flaming on about?

CHAMBERLAIN:
Well I think it's time for my shut-eye.

CRISP:
No, I want to know what he's saying about me. He's giving me the needle.

ANDERSON:
(
To
MCKENDRICK
) May I remind you that you profess to be something of a pragmatist yourself in matters of ethics—

MCKENDRICK:
Ah yes—I see—you think that because I don't believe in reliable signposts on the yellow brick road to rainbowland, you think I'm a bit of a yob myself—the swift kick in the kneecap on the way up the academic ladder—the Roy Broadbent of Stoke— (
To
BROADBENT
.) Stoke's my team, you know.

BROADBENT:
Will you tell this stupid bugger his philosophy is getting up my nostrils.

GRAYSON:
You're not making much sense, old boy.

MCKENDRICK:
Ah! Grayson here has a fine logical mind. He has
put his finger on the flaw in my argument, namely that the reason footballers are yobs may be nothing to do with being working class, or with financial greed, or with adulation, or even with being footballers. It may be simply that football attracts a certain kind of person, namely yobs—
(
This is as far as he gets when
BROADBENT
smashes him in the face
.
MCKENDRICK
drops
.)

CRISP:
Good on you, Roy.
(
ANDERSON
goes to
MCKENDRICK
who is flat on the floor
.)

ANDERSON:
McKendrick …

CHAMBERLAIN:
Well, I'm going to bed.
(
CHAMBERLAIN
goes through the connecting door into his own room and closes the door
.)

BROADBENT:
He can't say that sort of thing and get away with it.

GRAYSON:
Where's his room?

ANDERSON:
On the third floor.

GRAYSON:
Bloody hell.

CRISP:
He's waking up.

BROADBENT:
He's all right.

ANDERSON:
Come on McKendrick.
(
They all lift
MCKENDRICK
to his feet
.
MCKENDRICK
makes no protest. He's just about able to walk
.)
I'll take him down in the lift. (
He sees the typewriter in its case and says to
GRAYSON
.) I'll come back for the typewriter. (
He leads
MCKENDRICK
towards the door
.)

MCKENDRICK:
(
Mutters
) All right. I went too far. Let's talk about something else.
(
But
MCKENDRICK
keeps walking or staggering
.
ANDERSON
opens
GRAYSON'
door
.)

BROADBENT:
Here. That bloody Jirasek. Just like you said.

ANDERSON:
Yes.

BROADBENT:
They don't teach you nothing at that place then.

ANDERSON:
No.
(
ANDERSON
helps
MCKENDRICK
out and closes the door
.)

11. THE COLLOQUIUM

ANDERSON
comes to the lectern. There is a Czech
CHAIRMAN
behind him
.

CHETWYN
is in the audience but
MCKENDRICK
is not. We arrive as
ANDERSON
approaches the microphone
.
ANDERSON
lays a sheaf of typewritten paper on the lectern
.

ANDERSON:
I propose in this paper to take up a problem which many have taken up before me, namely the conflict between the rights of individuals and the rights of the community. I will be making a distinction between rights and rules. (
We note that the
CHAIRMAN,
listening politely and intently, is suddenly puzzled. He himself has some papers and from these he extracts one, which is in fact the official copy of
ANDERSON
'
s official paper. He starts looking at it. It doesn't take him long to satisfy himself that
ANDERSON
is giving a different paper. These things happen while
ANDERSON
speaks. At the same time the three
INTERPRETERS
in their booths, while speaking into their microphones as
ANDERSON
speaks, are also in some difficulty because they have copies of
ANDERSON
'
s official paper
.) I will seek to show that rules, in so far as they are related to rights, are a secondary and consequential elaboration of primary rights, and I will be associating rules generally with communities and rights generally with individuals. I will seek to show that a conflict between the two is generally a pseudo-conflict arising out of one side or the other pressing a pseudo-right. Although claiming priority for rights over rules—where they are in conflict—I will be defining rights as fictions acting as incentives to the adoption of practical values; and I will further propose that although these rights are fictions there is an obligation to treat them as if they were truths; and further, that although this obligation can be shown to be based on values which are based on fictions, there is an obligation to treat
that
obligation as though it were based on truth; and so on
ad infinitum
.
(
At this point the
CHAIRMAN
interrupts him
.)