Every Glance (Every Life #3) (29 page)

Sawyer quickly decides he’s ready to go see William, so I go up with him and Makenna to ensure they aren’t given any trouble getting in to see him. Callie and Wes are on their way to pick up some things for Sawyer and Makenna because they’ve decided to stay here all night. And Devyn is still right by my side.

After a couple of hours, Devyn walks with Makenna down to the cafeteria for some coffee, giving Sawyer and me the opportunity to go in to see William together. I’ve seen him near death before, but this time, it’s different. I know he’s already gone. His lifeless body stretched across that bed is all that’s left of him.

Call me crazy, but I’d give anything for him to wake up and tell me how much I suck as a doctor. I know he never meant it, but it was just our way with each other. Tossing insults back and forth at each other like a worn basketball. It’s not until this moment that I realize that, in a way, he was my dad, too.

The moment that Sawyer and I became friends, I was just another one of William’s adopted sons. He would talk to me about things that my dad never did. Even though he couldn’t see, he came to my college graduation with Sawyer, when my own parents didn’t bother filling any seats in that coliseum. When Sawyer was gone overseas, it was me who came by to check in on him every week, no matter how busy I was with my residency. And regardless of how William ribbed me, I know he looked forward to it. I did, too.

“Hey, old man.” Sawyer sits at William’s side and takes his hand. “You can’t go anywhere just yet, you know. I’m getting married in only two days. You’re the toughest man I know, so surely you can hang on that long. I need you there to gripe about how long it has taken me to do this.”

William doesn’t move.

The rhythmic whooshing of the respirator and the steady beep of the heart monitor are the only sounds that fill the room.

“Come on, William,” Sawyer continues. “I’m not ready for this yet. I just came to see you yesterday, and everything was fine.”

Sawyer’s head falls forward on the bed, and I hear his muffled cries. I walk around the foot of the bed and rest my hand on his shoulder, letting him know that I’m here for him. I know he’s been trying hard to be strong with Makenna around, so this is his first real breakdown. The first of many, I’m positive.

I’m not holding up too well either, and I don’t even bother wiping away the tears that are rolling down my cheeks.

Sawyer raises his head again and leans in closer to William’s ear. “I never told you enough how much you mean to me. I know I never called you that by name, but you
are
my dad, regardless of blood. You’ve been there for me unlike anyone else in the world. You saved me from a situation that I never would’ve been able to get away from without you. I owe everything I have in my life to you. I love you, Dad.”

If I wasn’t right there to see it for myself, I would’ve never believed it. Sawyer gasps and looks down at his hand, and William is actually squeezing back. With all my heart, I believe that he heard what Sawyer said.

Even though it only lasts a few seconds before his hand goes lax again, I’m thankful for that moment because it’s going to be exactly what help Sawyer make it through this.

WILLIAM’S BODY FINALLY gives up at four o’clock in the morning with all of us right by his side.

The moment we’ve been dreading for the last few years is finally here, and it’s even harder than I ever imagined. As the sun rose on a new day, all of us walked out of the hospital, defeated, exhausted, and unsure.

Sawyer and Makenna went home to discuss the possibility of moving the wedding to a later date, and they’ll also have to go to the funeral home to see what funeral arrangements William had already made. Wes is dropping Callie off at home to sleep, and he’s going into work for a while. And Devyn and I just got to my house. My body wants rest, but I don’t know if my mind will let me.

“I don’t know what you have in your kitchen, but do you want something to eat?” Devyn drops her purse on the bar and opens the refrigerator door. “I can go to the store and pick up whatever you want, but I’d have to drive your car.”

“I’m fine, but if you’re hungry, help yourself.” I slump into the couch and kick my shoes off.

“How about something to drink? Coffee?”

“No, but thanks.”

She pads into the living room and sits next to me, tucking her bare feet beneath her. “I feel like I should do something. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll make sure you have it.”

Turning my body toward her, I open my arms, and she scoots in closer to allow me to wrap them around her. “This is all I need right now.”

“Well, you can have this all you want,” she says, her voice muffled by my chest.

“Thank you. I really appreciate you being here with me. Was Simon mad when you called this morning?”

She shakes her head. “No, I just explained everything to him, and he understands why I didn’t come get him from Aiden’s last night. He’s really worried about you now, though, and he tried to talk me into letting him skip school to hang out with you. I promised he could see you after school if you are up to it and wouldn’t mind him coming over.”

“I’d love to see him. He’s always welcome…you don’t have to ever ask. But that reminds me…what happened with Kyler last night? You never did say.” I’d even rather talk about Kyler than to think about William.

“Well, she apologized profusely, saying she realizes how her poor decisions have affected her relationship with me. I heard her out, but I haven’t really thought much about what I’m going to do. Kyler has always been really impressionable, so I can see how it was easy for Carter to get to her. And when it comes to you, I don’t know. At first, it was hard for me to believe that she behaved that way, but after I had a chance to really think about it, I remember her being jealous of Carter, too. She used to flirt with him right in front of me. She has always complained that I was given everything I ever wanted in life, even though it’s not the truth, so honestly her actions aren’t all that surprising.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t help that I did date her first, and to her, I’m sure it looks like you swooped right in and took me away from her. When, in reality, I was the one pursuing you. Now, I’m not excusing her behavior—I’m sorry…she’s batshit crazy—but I can understand why she jumped to the conclusion that she did.”

Totally ignoring my “batshit crazy” remark, she sighs and wraps an arm around my waist. “Yeah, I get it, too.”

As soon as the conversation drifts away, thoughts of William encroach on me like a slow-rolling fog. I forgot for a minute that the last several hours really happened. But they did.

And he’s gone.

It’s going to be weird
not
going to the nursing home every few days to check on him or hearing his opinions about why my medical opinion is so much less valuable than his own. He loved to jerk my chain, and I looked forward to it. We’d usually end up laughing before it was all said and done, and seeing William with a smile stretched across his thin lips was a rare treat. To most people, our banter would sound hostile, but it was our own weird way of showing affection.

I can’t imagine what Sawyer must be going through right now, though. As close as I was to William, he was Sawyer’s only relative, really. When his own parents were too wrapped up in drugs to even remember they had a son, it was William who was there for him. When his father died from an overdose and Sawyer was neglected to the point that
he
almost died, it was William who fought for custody of him. William’s own wife and children gave up on him years before, so he and Sawyer formed their own family.

I’m thankful that he has Makenna in his life now, or I don’t know how he’d make it through the next few weeks.

“You were really close to him,” Devyn says softly, picking up on my thoughts. “Are you related to him in any way?”

“No,” I croak, swallowing down the lump forming in my throat. “I’ll tell you the whole story someday soon, but the easiest way to describe it is that he was Sawyer’s adoptive father. And since Sawyer was my best friend, he became my cranky, old uncle that thoroughly enjoyed kicking me in the ass when I needed it
and
when I didn’t, just for the hell of it. He had his faults, but I hope I’m half the man he was.”

Devyn straightens and looks over at me. Her sincerity shows in her tired eyes. “You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known. What you’ve done for my son will never cease to amaze me. Most men wouldn’t take another man’s child under their wing and do everything in their power to build them up and be their friend. Seeing what a difference you’ve made in him tells me that you’re going to make on hell of a father one day.”

The conversation makes me uncomfortable, but I’m too tired to strap on the filter. “I don’t know anything about being a father because I’ve never had much of one, but I know plenty about what
not
to do. Maybe that knowledge will help me in the end if I ever get the chance.”

Her brows form deep lines between them. “What do you mean? I think I met your dad once when he came to career day back in high school. You don’t have anything to do with him anymore?”

Hell, I might as well tell her. “He’s gone. Passed away last year. We haven’t exactly gotten along since I made the decision to be a small-town general practitioner instead of following his push into cardiac surgery. We had already been arguing about his right to make all of my decisions for me since I started college. It sounds silly, really, but that one decision was the straw that broke the camel’s back for him. He was still so pissed at me that, even when he knew he didn’t have much time left, he made my mom swear that she wouldn’t call me to let me know. I didn’t find out he was gone until three weeks after the funeral, and that was only because I happened to run into a family friend at the hospital and they offered their condolences. I’ve spoken to my mother a few times since then, but she’s still more than a little bitter herself that I defied my father. She says it was ‘disappointment’ that allowed disease to take root in his heart. How’s that for irony? He died of heart disease.”

I guess the combination of depression and exhaustion open the floodgates because I tell her everything. My childhood, or lack thereof. The constant shove toward success. My entire life being mapped out for me by the time I was ten. And most importantly, my parents and the fact that their only purpose in my life was to be educators, not nurturers.

“So I’ve told you before that everyone jokes that I’ve dated a lot, but I guess that’s one of the reasons why. I don’t have any idea what a healthy family relationship is like, so I’ve never had any desire to fly blind into getting married and having kids. And being a parent? Yeah, I’ve always been afraid that I’ll royally screw that up.” Devyn’s eyes go wide and her mouth hangs open slightly. “Shit, don’t take that the wrong way. I just…I don’t know how to say this without it sounding weird, but you and Simon have made me see things a little differently. For the first time in my life, it’s actually a possibility for me. You’re not a part of the revolving door; you’re the foundation I’d like to try to build on.”

Her face softens as she lets out a slow breath. “Dalton, seriously, you don’t see what I see. You don’t get the privilege of seeing how you are with Simon, and he’s not even your son. The two of you have a lot in common, including the fact that you haven’t really had a strong fatherly presence in your lives. But you’ve been more to him in just a few weeks than Carter has ever been. And me…you make me feel special. Worthy of being loved, even after how horrible I was to you. You make me feel like I’m the center of your universe. Don’t you see?” She places one hand over my chest. “It’s all in here. You don’t need to be taught what you already have.”

I don’t believe her for a minute, but I nod anyway. “I hope you’re right.”

She stares at me, her light hazel eyes seeming to search for something within me, something beyond my façade, hidden deep in my soul. I’ve never been one to let anyone see that secret part of me, the part filled with raging insecurity and gutting fear. The part of me that was erected by the parents I was never good enough for, just being myself, fed by countless others who made fun of me and harassed me…again, just for being myself.

But Devyn goes there. She already knew my past because she was a part of it, but now that she knows about my family, she sees the full picture. I feel it the moment she breaks through that barrier I’ve spent so long building up. I expect to feel pain. Shame. But I feel what I’ve always needed the most. Acceptance and love.

My head swims with it, making me almost dizzy. It’s an oddly freeing feeling that I never imagined I’d feel in my life. I’m suddenly filled with certainty that I can give something that I’ve never been given. Devyn was right; it’s in there.

Love is a part of the human condition. We all possess it, but some fear it because of the pain it causes, locking it away so that they can’t be hurt. I was one of those people, and I was right about one thing. Love
does
demand to be fed. It demands to be felt, regardless of how you try to fool yourself into thinking you’re numb to it. What I never realized is that it hurts a hell of a lot more to stuff it down deep and fight to keep it there that it does to feel it. And let me tell you…it feels damn good.