Eternally Yours (19 page)

The day hadn’t been so bad with the visit from Cassie and Larry Morgan. An hour or so later, she had received notification of a date for the appeals court to hear her oral argument.

She had immediately called the Jamisons to give them the news. They had cried over the phone. Barbara and Walter Jamison had been without their little girl for almost six months. They were hoping and praying to win the appeal so little Kasey would be returned to them.

Later that night, when Syneda turned off the lamp and made herself comfortable in bed, she couldn’t help but think of the Morgans and how Clayton had helped to change their lives. The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that somehow he had been instrumental in Larry Morgan finding employment with Remington Oil.

Then there was the Jamison case. Although she had come up with the new argument to use with the appeal, it had been Clayton’s expertise and experience as an attorney that had given her food for thought and ideas for different avenues to pursue. Numerous times during his weekend visits, he had brought a law book or two from his own personal law library. She had enjoyed spending time with him researching cases and digging for precedents she could use. A part of her knew if she won the appeal, it would be because of Clayton’s help.

As Syneda shifted in bed, she thought about something else she missed in not being with Clayton—the intimacy they shared. Although she wanted to believe it had only been about sex for them, she knew they had shared a whole lot more. There had been the sharing of emotions and feelings, and that’s what she missed most of all. He had opened emotions in her she hadn’t wanted opened. He had made her feel, he had made her need—regardless of whether she had wanted those things or not. Clayton had made her experience them. And she had experienced them with him. Perhaps in the end that was the main reason why she had fought against it, and why even now she was still fighting against it. She was fighting the love she felt for him.

Syneda knew she had avoided the truth long enough and it was time to be honest with herself. She did love Clayton. She probably had always loved him. But even with that admission, she knew she would continue to fight her love for him. Her survival depended on it. As a child, her heart had not just been broken, it had been crushed. And it couldn’t survive being crushed again. She couldn’t take the chance.

No matter how much she loved him, she couldn’t risk having her heart destroyed. She just couldn’t.

J
ustin Madaris pounded on the door a good five minutes before it finally opened.

Clayton scowled at Justin and then at Dex before rubbing a hand across his eyes that were clouded with sleep. “What are the two of you doing here? And what are you doing in Houston, Justin?”

Justin studied his youngest brother with an intensity that came from being the oldest and always having to look out for his younger siblings. He knew immediately that something was wrong. A quick glance at Dex indicated that he had picked up on it, as well. Clayton’s robe looked rumpled and his ungroomed appearance made him look a little rough around the edges. His face had the look of a man who’d had a bad night. In fact, he looked as if he’d had quite a few bad nights. “What are you still doing in bed, Clayton? It’s almost two in the afternoon.”

Swearing, Clayton rubbed the top of his head and stepped aside to let his brothers in. “Maybe I wanted to sleep late.”

“Clayton, you don’t know how to sleep late,” Dex said with a half smile on his lips.

Clayton glared at Dex. “Just what is this? Gang up on Clayton day?”

Dex shrugged as he sat down on the sofa. He glanced around the room. “This place is a mess. I never knew you could be so sloppy.”

“So now you know,” Clayton said, moving through the untidy living room and sitting in a chair. Dex was right. His place was a mess and it wasn’t like him to be sloppy. If anything, he was known to be extremely neat. He hated disorder of any kind. But now he didn’t care. Lately he hadn’t cared much about anything.

Clayton gave Dex a hard glare. “For a man who makes a living playing in dirt, I hardly think you have room to talk. The biggest mistake Mom ever made was buying you that sandbox for your fourth birthday.”

“Kids, behave,” Justin said, chuckling.

Clayton’s response was a grunt. “You never did answer me, Justin. What are you doing in Houston?”

Justin dropped in the chair across from Clayton. “And you never answered me. Why are you still in bed?”

“You go first since you’re the oldest.”

Justin grinned and then conceded. “I drove Lorren down for Caitlin’s baby shower. Did you forget it was this weekend?”

“Yeah, I forgot,” Clayton said, and felt annoyed that he had forgotten. During the past few weeks, his mind had been preoccupied with other things.

“So why are you still in bed?”

Clayton rose and went into the kitchen. Dex and Justin followed him. Ignoring them, he switched on the coffeemaker.

“We’re not going away, Clayton.”

Clayton turned to his brothers. “I can see that,” he said, glaring at them, frowning. “The reason I was still in bed is because I had no reason to rush getting up this morning,” he finally said, simply.

“I’m surprised to hear you say that, considering the fact that Syneda flew in for the baby shower today.”

Clayton’s eyes became hard like volcanic rocks. “That’s all the more reason,” he said coolly. “She’s the last person I want to see.”

Dex looked at his brother, surprised. The last time he had seen Clayton and Syneda together was when the family had been at Whispering Pines. At the time, Syneda had been the only person Clayton had acted like he wanted to see. He hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off her. “I take it there’s trouble in paradise.”

Clayton turned toward him. “There is no paradise. There never was and there never will be. The only paradise was the one that I concocted in my mind. But the lady has set me straight. The only thing she’s interested in is a surrogate family she can claim, and not a man who wants to love her.”

Justin took a good look at his brother, hearing the deep pain in his voice. And there was also a coldness, a hardness within Clayton that had never existed before, and he immediately knew the cause—rejection. Syneda had done something to Clayton no other woman had done. She had rejected him. She had taken the love he had never confessed to another woman and had thrown it back in his face. And from the looks of things, he wasn’t handling it too well.

“And the really funny thing about it,” Clayton continued, “is that I watched the two of you go through your bouts of pain, and I used to think to myself that it could never happen to me. I used to tell myself I was above all that, that there wasn’t a woman anywhere who could infiltrate my mind and my heart like that, and cause me that much pain, that much grief, that much anguish.” With studied calmness, he sat down in the chair at the round oak table. He dropped his forehead to his joined hands, “Boy, was I wrong. I was so very wrong.”

He then held up his head and looked at his brothers. The hurt and pain were evident in his eyes, plain for them to see. “How do you handle telling a woman for the first time in your life that you love her, only to have her tell you that she doesn’t want you nor does she want your love. And that all she wants from you is a good time. And what’s really hilarious is that that’s the same thing I’ve been telling women for years.”

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then reopened them. “I guess it’s payback time. And for me, payback came all nicely packaged in the form and shape of a woman by the name of Syneda Tremain Walters. And she got me just where it hurts the most—straight in the heart. How am I supposed to handle something like that? How am I supposed to handle the hurt and the pain?”

Justin and Dex watched their brother in silence, neither knew what to say but both were familiar with what he was going through. They had been there. Giving advice had always been Clayton’s thing, even when the advice hadn’t been wanted.

Justin shook his head. Clayton had done more than just given advice to him and Dex. He had deliberately undermined and manipulated their love life. He had done what he felt had been necessary to straighten out their problems with the women they loved. Now Clayton’s own love life needed straightening out and Justin knew that his baby brother didn’t have a clue as to how to help himself.

Justin finally spoke. “Give her time, Clayton.”

Clayton’s response was a quiet laugh. “I’ve given her time, Justin. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve given her too much time.”

“Then try being more patient with her,” Dex put in. “How you and Syneda even got this far without killing each other beats the hell out of me,” he said, shaking his head in amazement. “Both of your analytical and strongly opinionated minds are enough to rattle any relationship. Just chill and be patient. You know how I almost screwed things up with Caitlin by not being patient.”

Clayton took a long, deep breath. “I have been patient, Dex. I’ve been patient for over five months. But now I’m tired of fighting for what I want against what Syneda evidently doesn’t want. You can’t make someone love you, and I’m sick and tired of even trying.”

He stood. “The hurt and the pain aren’t worth it anymore.” He took another deep breath. “The two of you can let yourselves out. I’m going back to bed.”

He then walked out of the kitchen.

Clayton had lain across the bed for nearly an hour and knew from the sounds coming from the living room, Justin and Dex had not left. In fact, with the television blasting and the sound of his refrigerator opening and closing periodically, he could tell they had made themselves at home and were watching a football game and eating up his food.

Why on earth were they still hanging around? Did they think he was going to hang himself or something? He took a quick glance at the box that sat on his dresser. The package had been sent from Syneda and had arrived a couple of days ago. In it were items he’d made a habit of leaving at her place. She had returned all of his things along with the spare key he had given to her with a note that simply said, “It’s better this way.” The thought of it increased his anger. It might be better for her but it certainly wasn’t better for him.

Clayton got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Since it appeared Justin and Dex weren’t going anyplace, he might as well watch the game with them.

Syneda looked out the window as the cab drove through Houston on its way to the airport. She had flown in that morning and, a little over seven hours later, she was flying back to New York. With her day in court for the appeal on Wednesday, she needed to be fully prepared.

Caitlin’s baby shower had really been pleasant and she had received many nice things. Syneda smiled at the games they had played at the shower. She had really enjoyed herself, as she always did with the Madaris family.

She was glad that Clayton had not stopped by. She didn’t think she could handle seeing him just yet. She knew that Justin and Dex had gone over to his place. Neither had returned before she’d left for the airport.

A part of her couldn’t help wondering how Clayton was doing. Had he dismissed her from his mind already? Was he back to dating other women again?

She took a deep breath, irritated with herself for even caring. But she did care. She loved him and the thought of him with someone else…

But, she reminded herself, she had been the one to end things between them. She had sent him away. She’d had no choice. She could not start depending on anyone for her happiness. The only person she could always count on was herself.

As the cab continued to make its way through the city, Syneda couldn’t help but think of Houston. This was Clayton’s territory, his city. The city of his birth. In Houston, Clayton Madaris was a very well-known and successful attorney. But when he had come to her in New York, he had been her friend, her mentor and her lover. And deep down she knew she had lost all three. No matter what she wanted to think, there was no way they could ever go back and reclaim that special friendship they once shared. She was only fooling herself if she thought they could.

Later that night Clayton received a call from Alexander Maxwell.

“You don’t believe in giving me easy jobs do you?” his friend said, chuckling.

Clayton smiled. “What can I say, you’re the best. Do you have any information for me yet?”

“No, not yet, but I’ve stumbled onto something pretty interesting. I thought I’d better bring it to your attention.”

“What?”

“There are two other investigators checking out Syneda’s past. Seems like you’re not the only one interested.”

Clayton sat up straight, frowning. “Who are they?”

“Don’t know yet. I picked up on them in my database. I know about them but they don’t know about me. We have an advantage.”

“Let’s keep it that way, Alex. I want to know who they are and what their interest is.”

When he hung up the phone a few minutes later, Clayton couldn’t help wondering who else besides him would be interested in Syneda’s past.

S
yneda won the appeal and Kasey Jamison would be returned to her adoptive parents by the end of the week.

She knew she should celebrate, but her win had also been the result of someone else losing. Kasey’s biological mother.

Syneda left the courtroom after getting the ruling when it was released. She had spoken immediately with the Jamisons and shared their happiness.

Entering her apartment, the first thought that came to her mind was that she needed Clayton. She wanted to share her victory with him. She looked around her apartment. Although she had returned all of Clayton’s things, his presence was still there. It was there in the living room where they had made love occasionally. It was in her kitchen where he had whipped her up a number of tasty meals. His presence was in her bathroom where they had showered together frequently, and it dominated her bedroom where he had made her his.

He had made her his.
He’d been the first man to capture her heart, making her irrevocably his. Syneda tilted her head back and drew in cold air, feeling the tears sting her cheeks. Her apartment was cold from the freezing weather outside, not unusual for New York the week before Thanksgiving. She quickly wiped away her tears.

Her tears were for all she had lost, at her own hands, because she hadn’t been strong enough to take a chance on love—the kind of love Justin had for Lorren, the kind of love Dex had for Caitlin. Clayton had offered her that and she had refused it.

Cassie Drayton Morgan had been right when she’d said, “It’s no fun being alone. Everyone needs someone to love and someone to love them…”

Syneda had never believed that until now.

And Clayton had been right when he’d said that what happened with her father did not concern them. It was time she got beyond that and moved on. And she was ready to do so. But first, there was something she had to do before she could finally put the past behind her. There was someone she had to visit.

Syneda had won the appeal.

Clayton leaned back in his office chair. He had just gotten word from a fellow attorney who was working on a similar case. He wanted to call Syneda and tell her how happy he was for her, and how proud he was of her. But he didn’t.

She had made it very clear things were over between them, yet he still wanted to talk to her. He still wanted to hear her voice. He picked up the phone and after hesitating a few seconds slammed it back down. The words she had said to him the last night they were together tore into him. “I don’t want your love, Clayton. I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it.”

Clayton rose from his chair, balling his hands into his pockets. He was hurting in a way no person was supposed to hurt. He was hurting everywhere, both inside and out, and all at once.

He knew that although Justin and Dex had tried being supportive, they just didn’t understand. The problems plaguing his and Syneda’s relationship would not evaporate with time and patience. It would take love and trust, and she wasn’t willing to take a chance on either.

Clayton tugged at his tie, wishing he could rip it off and then do the same thing to his heart—rip it out. But something in him made him bite back both his anger and his frustration. He refused to let any woman make him lose his mind, his self-respect or his pride. In time he would get over her, he would make sure of that.

And no woman would ever get close to his heart again.

Syneda took a deep breath as she leaned against the huge wrought iron gate. Her plane had landed less than an hour ago and she had immediately taken a cab from the Dallas airport.

For the past eighteen years of her life she had avoided coming here. She used to tell herself that if she never came, her mother would never know the truth. Her mother would never know that the man she had died loving, trusting and believing in had let them down.

Syneda straightened and began walking across the stretch of velvet-green lawn. As she neared the area where the ground-keeper had instructed her to go, poignant memories of her childhood with her mother resurfaced.

The two of them had been close, almost inseparable, except for the time her mother was at work and she was at school. They had done a lot of things together. Although there hadn’t been plenty of money, her mother had worked hard and had taken care of their needs.

The short walk was finally over and as Syneda stood before the headstone, she felt renewed pain followed by a deep sense of cleansing. She knew by the time she left to return to New York, a part of her past would be left here. It was the part she should have buried a long time ago.

She knelt down and placed the bouquet of flowers across the headstone. She squeezed her eyes shut against the mistiness that began clouding them. “Mama, I know it’s been a long time, and your little girl is all grown up now. And I know in my heart you understand why I haven’t come until now.”

Syneda felt a momentary stab of pain when she thought of the man who had fathered her. “I never wanted you to know he didn’t come for me, Mama, because more than anything I truly wanted you to rest in peace. And I knew you couldn’t do that if you knew the truth. I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

Syneda’s hands trembled as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m okay now. I admit I wasn’t in the beginning, the disappointment of him not coming hurt for a while, but I’m okay now. My heavenly father took very good care of me. He sent me to live with Mama Nora and Papa Paul. I know you would have liked them. They took me to church every Sunday just like you would have done. And I had Lorren. She’s the sister I’ve always wanted.”

Syneda took a deep breath as her fingers traced lazy patterns in the cold earth. “I made something of myself, Mama. I went to college and got a law degree. And I’ve met someone special by the name of Clayton Madaris. I know you would like him, too. He’s kind, gentle, strong and caring. And he loves me. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but now I do. And I love him. I love him very much and one day soon I’m going to tell him just how I feel. I want to marry him and if we ever have children, I’ll tell them all about you. I’ll tell them how you took care of me all by yourself. I know it must have been hard being a single parent and all, but you did it. I’ll tell my kids how you used to read me stories before tucking me in at night and how you would wake me up by singing a beautiful song in the morning. I’ll tell them all about our good times.”

Syneda hesitated briefly before continuing. “But most of all, Mama, I’ll tell them how much you loved me and how much I loved you.” Tears that she had held for so long were released and she wept.

Syneda wept for the mother who had been taken away from her at the age of ten, and for the father who hadn’t cared enough to come and claim her as his daughter.

A few minutes later she wiped her eyes and slowly stood. “Goodbye, Mama,” she whispered. “Continue to rest in peace. I love you.”

She turned and walked out of the cemetery in the direction she had come in.