Eternal (Eternal series) (15 page)

“I feel kinda bad about it now," Emma admitted.  "I think I might have been a little too hard on him.”

“
Nothin’ to feel bad about,” Gram reassured her. “If a girl don’t want to be kissed then she shouldn’t have to just stand there and take it.  That boy sounds like a bit of a scoundrel if you ask me,” Gram stated, folding her arms across her chest.

“
No he’s not!” Emma demanded.  “He was a perfect gentleman, I was the scoundrel.”

Destry had been very good to her.  He didn’t deserve to be thought of as the villain.

Emma hoped that someday he’d find a girl who would know just how lucky she was to have someone like him.  A little part of her wished that she could be that lucky girl, but she quickly pushed that thought back down into her deepest place.  It didn’t really matter how much Destry resembled the Prince Charming that Emma had been waiting for, he was too late—she wanted more than the fairytale now.

“
He must be something special if you’re willing to defend him like that,” Gram snickered.

“
He is special,” Emma admitted reluctantly, “so don’t you go around blackening his name Gram.  Swear you won’t!”

“
Alright, alright, I promise I won’t tell nobody nothin’ about none of this,” she crossed her heart with her pointer finger.  Emma still wasn’t sure she intended to keep that promise.  Gram had said it using double negatives, maybe in an attempt to throw Emma off.

“
Swear you won’t tell somebody something either,” Emma teased, throwing Gram’s bad grammar back at her.

“
Whatever you say smarty-pants,” Gram chortled.

Emma’s mom stepped around the corner and glared at the two of them suspiciously.  “What are you two arguing about in here?” she insisted.

“We ain’t arguing,” Gram assured her, “we were just havin’ a normal conversation—that is, until you butted your nose into it.”

Catherine rolled her eyes.  She didn’t want to make Gram any more cantankerous than usual by pushing the subject so she retreated back to the kitchen.  Gram gave Emma a wink and she knew Gram wouldn’t betray her trust.

Emma had to admit, it felt good to finally be able to talk to someone about her embarrassing display.  Gram didn’t think that she was too terrible of a person, so maybe the damage wasn’t as bad as Emma thought. 

She hoped she hadn’t damaged Destry’s pride too deeply.  She wasn’t about to take it back though.  She was going to stay away from him as much as possible.  She didn’t want him getting his nerve back up again, just in case she was more than the charity case she'd thought herself to be. 

Emma knew she was in danger of liking Destry and she wouldn’t allow that to happen.

There was something about spending any more time with him that worried her.  If she got too close, how hard would it be to pull away later? 

Eventually Micah would come around, right?  And when that happened, Emma didn’t want to feel obligated in any way to Destry. She knew she would never be able to explain her angelic love to him and she didn’t have any desire to try.

What if Micah didn’t come around though, could never love her like she thought she loved him?  Should she really give up a good thing like Destry that was tangible and right in front of her, for something so unsure and invisible?

Emma knew she shouldn't waste too much time worrying about that.  After her little tantrum Destry was sure to avoid her now anyway. She couldn’t really blame him. Destry had probably realized by now that she was a freak and not worth his time. 

Unfortunately, Micah had been right in what he’d said to her that morning— it did matter to her.  And whether Destry hated her or not, the implications of it all were making Emma dizzy.

Chapter 12:  COMPLICATIONS

Emma had avoided Destry all week.  He'd tried to approach her several times, but each time she'd pretended not to see him and walked quickly in the other direction. 

She felt bad about the way she'd left things.  He probably thought she was ignoring him because of his conduct on prom night.  That wasn’t the case of course.  Destry hadn’t done anything wrong.  He’d been a perfect gentleman.

Emma felt absolutely horrible each time she caught Destry looking at her from a distance with confused and apologetic eyes.  Why did he care so much that she was ignoring him? 

She’d been counting on him to react the opposite way and avoid her like the plague, but apparently he wasn't holding anything against her. 

Emma’s high school days were becoming more and more complicated.  She longed for the escape of summer vacation when she wouldn’t have to hurt this innocent boy any longer by so obviously avoiding him.

Home life had become complicated as well.  It wasn’t easy to keep dodging the bullet that was her mother.  Catherine was growing suspicious about the whole prom night story.  She was constantly asking why Emma hadn’t gone out on anymore dates with Destry.  She didn’t understand why he never called or came over if they had really hit it off as well as Emma had said.

If that wasn't enough to make her insane, Micah seemed to be more and more withdrawn lately.  She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something was definitely off with him.  Emma knew he wasn’t happy about her behavior towards Destry.  She was afraid he would discover her reasoning behind it involved forbidden feelings she held for him.

To say that things were complicated was putting it mildly.  Something needed to be done.  It was time to set things right with Destry and let him down easy. 

But first she intended to find out what it was that was eating at Micah.

After school Emma drove up into the foothills.  The sun shone brightly through the powdery white clouds that floated in the light blue sky.  It was warm enough today that Emma didn’t need a jacket, a perfect day for being outdoors.  This is where she went when she wanted to be alone with Micah.

She spread her old quilt out on the soft, green grass and laid back and closed her eyes letting the sun warm her skin.  The breeze stirred the aspen leaves to life and they trembled and swayed in a happy little dance.

Emma felt Micah’s presence as it surrounded her. 

“I’m glad you came,” she smiled without opening her eyes—what would be the point when there was nothing to see?

“
I knew you wanted me to come,”
he stated flatly,
“you’ve thought of nothing else all day.”

“
So—you’ve been inside my head again?  I thought you weren’t supposed to do that,” Emma teased, hoping to appease the irritation she sensed from him.

“
I never said I wasn’t supposed to, but rather that I didn’t do it very often.  I believe everyone deserves some degree of privacy.  I was just trying to figure out that tortured look you had on your face,”
he laughed gently.

“
So—did you figure it out?”  Emma asked slowly.

“
Part of it, I think, but I’m not sure about the other part.  Your thoughts are all over the place
—
hard to decipher.”

“
What have you got so far?”

“
Well,”
he hesitated
“I think that you’re disappointed with yourself for how you’ve been treating Destry McQuade and you're trying to figure out a way to make it up to him.  Am I right so far?”

“
Yes.”  Emma's forehead creased, but she didn’t open her eyes.  “So, what part has you baffled?”

“
Well—I can’t figure out why you want to make it up to him, while at the same time trying to find a way to do it as coldly as possible.  You want him to know that you’re not mad at him, but you don’t want him to think that you like him in any way.  I don’t understand why you would tell him that you aren’t upset with him, while at the same time showing him the opposite?”

“
You’re pretty good at reading thoughts, but you suck at understanding the emotions behind them,” Emma said ruefully.

“
You’re right.  I don’t understand the emotions behind it Emma.  It seems to me like a cruel thing to do to the boy.”

“
It’s not cruel Micah,” Emma said indignantly, “it’s for his own good.  It would be cruel to lead him on towards an end that isn’t possible.”  She squoze her eyes shut more tightly.  He was so naive when it came to this kind of thing.

“
Why isn’t the end that he has in mind possible?  He's a good person Emma.  You shouldn’t write him off so quickly.  You two could be good together.”

That was it, the last straw!  He really knew how to make her mad!

“You're so pig-headed Micah!”  Emma demanded.  “Why would you assume that I would want to be with him?  I’m free to make my own choices, remember!  Why do you have to make my life so difficult lately?  I’m trying to do what I want to do, the thing that will make me the happiest, and you're blind to it!” 

Emma’s face was suddenly hot, and her arms shook with anger.  Her nails were digging painfully into her palms. 

This was impossible.  Why had she set herself up for this?  She'd given him more information than she’d intended to in her fit of anger.  She wanted to push him though— to make him admit that he felt something— that he cared about her too.

“
Please, Emma,”
he spoke softly, his perfectly smooth warm voice making her heart race.
“Don’t be angry.  I don't understand why you’re so upset.”

“
Because, I’m not supposed to think this way, or feel this way, and you wouldn’t understand anyway,” Emma muttered.

“
I promise I’ll try to understand, but you have to tell me what is it you're thinking and feeling. I can’t make sense of it.  I need you to help me understand.”

Who can resist a pleading angel?  Emma decided it was time to lay it all out there and get it over with once and for all. 

“I want it to be you,” she mumbled softly. “You're the only one that I want to be with.”  Emma covered her face to hide from the backlash of rejection that she was sure would follow her admission.  She knew this wasn’t the confession he wanted to hear.

“
That is an end that can never be Emma, surely you already know that,”
he whispered gently.

“
I think it can.  There must be a way.  Why would God create you, and send you to me, if there was no way I could have you.  I’m supposed to be with you Micah, I can feel it.”  Emma sat up slowly and wrapped her arms around her legs, placing her face in her knees.  This couldn’t possibly be a hopeless prospect, it all made perfect sense to her.

“
Emma,”
he spoke slowly,
“you deserve more than this.  You are mortal and you should be with a mortal. It's the only way you can ever really be happy.”

“
You seem to think being mortal is so great, but it’s not.  Knowing what you want, feeling that it’s right and not being able to have it,
because
you’re mortal
—
that really sucks!”

“
Don’t be so dramatic Emma.  This isn’t a real thing we have.  You can’t truthfully tell me that you’re willing to go through your whole life this way.  Never getting married, or having children, or even being in a relationship that anyone else can know about.  People will eventually get suspicious about your imaginary boyfriend.  You could end up in an asylum.  What kind of a happy life is that?”

“
This is a real thing Micah,” Emma mumbled, “and you’re the one that won’t show yourself,” she added indignantly, “so you’re the one that would be responsible for sending me to the loony bin.  Besides, I don’t care if people think I’m crazy.  I know you’re real.  But it would be so much better if you would just let me see you.   It would make everything easier.”

“
Maybe this shouldn’t be easier, maybe you should let me go,”
his voice was almost a whisper now.  Emma couldn’t tell if it was because he didn’t really want her to let him go, or if he simply didn’t want to hurt her, but his voice sounded pained. 
“I told you, I don’t think seeing me is a good idea.  You’ve become too attached to me already.”

“
Too attached?  That doesn’t have anything to do with this and you know it!” Emma spoke through her teeth trying to control her anger.  “Why don’t you just admit that you don’t have a good reason for not showing yourself to me?  You’re just being stubborn!”

“
I’m not the stubborn one here Emma.  You should let it go.  I’ve given you my answer.  I’m not part of your world and you need to accept that I will never be part of it,”
his deep, velvet voice subdued her anger, but not her mission.  Emma was going to win this battle, one way or another.

“
You're more a part of my world than you think.  We’ve come too far for you to try to pull that one off, and you know it.”  Emma was being firm with him; she was determined to make him see things her way.  “I don’t see why you’re making this into such a big deal.  If you can talk to me freely this way, then you can talk to me face to face.  It’s not going to be the end of the world if I see you, and there are no rules against it.  You might as well quit fighting it, because it’s going to happen!”