Escape Me Never (20 page)

She'd asked the taxi-driver not to come to the door. It was essential that Rohan had his sleep out. If he woke, and discovered what she intended, he might try and weaken her resolve, and she could not afford to let that happen. She felt as if she was dying inside as it was.

While she watched for the car, she found paper and a pen in the bureau, and wrote him a note. It took several attempts before she felt she'd managed the correct blend of casualness and finality.

'Thank you for setting me free,' she wrote. 'And goodbye.' She signed it and propped it on the mantelpiece against the carriage clock where it would be impossible for him to miss it.

There was still no sound from upstairs when she saw the taxi arrive. She tried very hard to feel relieved as she unlocked the door, and shut it silently behind her—relieved that her departure had been, physically, so simple. Emotionally, of course, it was a different matter.

She tried hard to compose her face for the taxi-driver, a grizzled man who came forward to take her case from her, giving her a searching look as he did so.

She wanted him to be able to tell Rohan, if he asked, that the lady had left with a smile, and her head held high, not awash with tears.

If he disregarded the tone of her note, and came in search of her, she would have to think of something that would drive him away, in disgust if necessary. Let him think, perhaps, that what had passed between them had been prompted by mere sexual curiosity on her part. And that, while she was grateful, she had no further curiosity left. She could say it with amused regret, she thought wretchedly. She could even, God help her, let him think she was going to marry Lloyd.

But he wouldn't come after her. Why should he, when he'd had what he wanted from her. He'd put her sudden desertion, cynically, down to experience, and next time choose a woman who'd play the game his way.

She sat in silence, glad that the driver was not a talkative man, while her brain went round wretchedly, over and over again, on the same tired treadmill, only aroused from her bitter reverie when the car turned in through the wide iron gates at Graystocks.

'Shall I get your case,' the driver asked as he opened her door.

'No, thanks,' Cass said hurriedly. 'Perhaps you'd wait, and drive me to the station.'

He nodded his agreement, and Cass trod quickly up the broad, shallow steps which led to the front door, and rang the bell. The manservant who answered the door gave her a surprised look when she asked for Marcia.

'Mrs Wainwright is breakfasting in her room, madam. I'll take your name and…'

'No, please don't disturb her,' Cass broke in. 'I—I've just called to collect my little girl. We have to get back to London rather urgently. I have a taxi waiting.'

The man's face relaxed into a smile. 'Miss Jodie's in the nursery, madam. But I'm sorry to hear she's leaving us, I'm sure. May I show you up or…'

'I know the way,' Cass assured him.

The first person she encountered in the nursery wing was Nanny.

'Mrs Linton?' The older woman exclaimed. 'My, but you're an early bird. There's nothing wrong, I hope.'

'Nothing.' Cass pinned on a smile. 'But I do need to go home. I have—plans for Easter. Perhaps you'd pack Jodie's things, or show me where they are,' she added hastily, seeing Nanny frown.

'I'll pack for her, of course, madam,' Nanny said, after a pause. 'But I'm sure Miss Marcia had no notion of her leaving yet. In fact…' she paused again.

Cass bit her lip. 'Miss Marcia has been endlessly kind, but we really mustn't trespass on her hospitality any further,' she said quietly.

Nanny's brows rose, but she made no further comment. She opened a door, and said, 'James— Simon—come with me a moment, my dears. Jodie's Mummy has come, and wants a word with her, I think.

The boys trooped off obediently, giving Cass shy grins as they passed. The sight of them gave her another pang. The family resemblance was strong in the next generation too. Rohan's sons would probably look much the same…

Jodie leapt off from the table and launched herself at her mother. 'Mummy,' she said rapturously. 'What are you doing here? Auntie Marcia said you were having a nice long holiday. Have you come back because it's raining? I wish it would stop, because I want to ride Cannonball. Peter who looks after all the horses says I have really good hands.' She looked past Cass, her brows drawing together. 'Where's Rohan?'

Cass's heart missed a beat. 'Why—do you ask that?' she enquire unevenly.

'Because he was going on holiday with you. He told me so. He said I wasn't to worry, because he'd look after you.'

Cass smiled with a tremendous effort. 'Yes—well, the holiday's over now, darling, and we have to go home.'

Jodie's frown deepened. 'Is Rohan going with us?'

'No, sweetheart.' Cass coaxed Jodie to sit down beside her on the big, sagging sofa which stood in front of the nursery fireplace. She put an arm round the child's suddenly tense body. 'Jodie, there's something you've got to understand. We have our life, and Rohan has his. We can't—impose on him any more.' She paused, carefully controlling her voice. 'So, I'm afraid we won't be seeing him again.'

There was a terrible silence. When she nerved herself to look at Jodie, the stricken look in the little girl's eyes took her by the throat. The damage, she thought desperately, had already been done, it seemed.

'Darling,' she appealed. 'Try and see things Rohan's way. He's an important man. He has a huge company to run, lots of responsibilities. He's been very kind to both of us, but we can't expect him to go on spending all this time…

'But he said. He promised.' Jodie's voice cut across her words, almost cracking with the passion of her distress. 'Before he went away, he told me you were going to marry him, and that he was going to be my real daddy, and that he'd love us both, and look after us forever.'

Agony clenched in Cass. She said, 'Jodie, that's just wishful thinking on your part, and you know it. Did you ask him about being your daddy again, in spite of everything I said to you the first time?'

'No, no I didn't.' The tears were raining down Jodie's face now. 'He told me all about it. He gave me a big kiss, and said I had to wish him luck. He said I could be a—a bridesmaid in a pink dress, and have a puppy, and a swing in his garden, and brothers and sisters.' Her voice rose in a wail of total desolation.

The door opened, and Marcia swept in, hastily tying the ribbons of a silk and lace negligee.

She said sharply, 'Cassie? What the hell's going on here? Why is Jodie in such a state—and where's Rohan?'

'At the cottage. Asleep.' Cass got to her feet. 'I've come to take Jodie home.'

'Did you have to reduce her to hysterics first?' Marcia's tone held censure. She sank down in a froth of scented frills, and drew Jodie into her arms, soothing her gently. 'There, sweetie, there. Don't cry. Rohan will be here in a minute, and he'll make everything better, you'll see…'

'But he won't,' Jodie sobbed passionately. 'Mummy says we're never going to see him again.'

Across the top of her head, Marcia's eyes met Cass's in a kind of horrified disbelief. She said half to herself, 'Oh, my God.' Then, raising her voice, she called, 'Nanny dear, are you there?'

Nanny appeared with suspicious promptness, her face a mask of discreet concern.

'Take Miss Jodie, and wash her face,' Marcia said, pulling herself together briskly. 'And I think she might have one of her Easter eggs in advance, don't you. I'll take Mrs Linton downstairs.'

Cass hung back. 'I've a taxi waiting.'

'Then I'll get Jeffries to send him away,' Marcia said brusquely. 'You can't take Jodie anywhere in that state. And besides, you and I have some talking to do, she added grimly.

'There's nothing to talk about,' Cass said in a low voice. 'Marcia, I suppose you mean to be kind, but you've got to allow me to know best about my own life.'

Marcia, halfway down the main stairs, turned in a swish of silk to confront her. 'Are you saying you actually don't want to marry Rohan? That you turned him down?' She shook her head. 'Cassie, I thought you were in love with him.'

Cass was sure she was going mad. She said, 'There was never any question of marriage.'

'There was every question,' Marcia almost howled, propelling her bodily into the drawing room. 'My God, you don't think Rohan would have involved me, if all he'd wanted had been a quick lay, do you?' She faced Cass stormily. 'Of course he wants to marry you. Why the hell do you imagine he set this whole thing up in the first place, if he wasn't crazy about you? Christ, he even took you to the cottage—his Holiest of Holies. Apart from Mother and I, no other woman's ever set foot in the place. It's always been his refuge—his sanctuary. He said he had to take you away somewhere where you could be completely alone together so he could persuade you to trust him, to believe that he could make you happy. He said you'd had a lousy marriage the first time around, and he had to prove to you somehow that he loved you, and wanted to make up to you for everything that had happened in the past.'

Cass's legs would no longer support her. She sank down on to a chair. She said tonelessly, 'He said—that?'

'Yes—and more.' Marcia gave her a look of burning reproach. 'So what went wrong? I expected you both to show up here engaged.'

Cass bit her lip. 'Perhaps he changed his mind. He never—mentioned marriage.'

'Perhaps you didn't give him time,' Marcia countered levelly.

There was a long silence, then Marcia sighed. 'I could do with a drink,' she said. 'I don't care if it is only just after breakfast. And I think you should have one too,' she added. 'You look as if you could do with it. Have you eaten this morning?'

Cass shook her head desolately. 'I'd planned to make breakfast for us both, but then I_got to thinking, and it seemed better to—get out, while the going was good.'

'Instead of waiting for Rohan to wake up, and hear what he had to say on the subject,' Marcia said heavily, and sighed. 'I see. Without wishing to pry, do I infer that you and Rohan spent the night together?'

Cass flushed faintly. 'Yes.'

'Well, there's no need to be embarrassed.' Marcia's face relaxed into a smile. 'Rohan made a lot of virtuous statements about not rushing you into anything, but I guessed he'd sweep you off your feet, and into bed with him, given half a chance. You're both consenting adults, so what's the problem.' Her smile widened. 'Except that he seems to have fallen asleep before he could get round to proposing marriage. Maybe he thought you'd wake up so bemused with love that you'd agree to anything he suggested.'

Cass stared down at her hands, clenched together in her lap. 'He wasn't far wrong,' she admitted. 'Walking out was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.' She squared her shoulders. 'But I thought I was walking out on an affair, and I knew I couldn't cope with that. So, I felt I had to leave.'

'It must have taken guts,' Marcia said idly. 'Almost as much guts as it's going to take to go back there and face him. But let's look on the bright side, and say he hasn't woken up and missed you yet.'

Cass's face was stark. 'I—can't.'

'You love him don't you?' Marcia asked unanswerably. 'Right, then you have to. You have no choice, for Rohan's sake as well as your own.'

Cass said half to herself, 'But why should he want to marry me?'

'Temporary insanity,' Marcia suggested brightly. 'I recommend you take the point up with him, rather than me.'

Cass bit her lip. 'If he still wants to talk to me,' she said helplessly. 'I did rather burn my boats.'

Marcia shrugged. 'All you can do is try,' she said. 'We won't have that drink. I'll get dressed and drive you over to the cottage.' She paused. 'I was going to suggest you took Jodie with you, but maybe she'd better stay here—until you see how the land lies.'

'No, I'd rather she went with me.' Cass gave a small, wintry smile. 'After all, it's her life too.'

And my happiness for all eternity, she thought, apprehension twisting within her. Oh God, don't let me have ruined everything.

It seemed a very long time before her case and Jodie's were loaded into Marcia's car, and Cass was on edge as the vehicle eventually moved off.