Erica Lucke Dean - To Katie with Love (26 page)

HERE WE GO AGAIN

I
tipped my glass upside down above my mouth and stuck my tongue inside, trying to scoop the last drops of the frozen drink from the glass. I did a quick sweep of the sides and tried to touch the tip of my tongue to the bottom. I gave the glass a quick shake, hoping to dislodge the remaining slush, and what was left came rushing at me with a splash against my nose. I stared at the glass and frowned.

“Sweetie, wouldn’t you rather just pour some more?” Silvia said.

“Sure, Sil. Pour for me?” I slammed my glass down on the table a little rougher than I intended and cringed. “Whoops.” I giggled.

Cooper was away from the table again on his third phone call from Vivian. He apologized each time, and I said I understood—but I did
not
understand. I recognized the emotion I was feeling, but I wasn’t going to give it power by saying it out loud.
Jealousy.

I shook my head as Silvia stuck a new straw into my fresh margarita, and I sucked a long swallow of the frozen drink down my throat until I was cross-eyed and my head felt like it might explode.
Brain freeze!

“You’d better slow down. Do you remember the last time you were here?” Silvia said.

I most definitely remembered. That was the night I fell in love with Cooper. But last time was completely different. First of all, I had been drinking shots, and secondly, after far too many of those, I added champagne to seal my fate. Besides, the margaritas were little more than spiked slushies.

“Are you getting drunk, Katherine?”

I shook my finger at her. “Listen, Mom. I’m a big girl, and I can get drunk if I want to.”

“That’s right. Listen to her. She can get drunk if she wants to,” Vicky imitated with a laugh. She was on her best behavior with her husband sitting practically in her lap. She hadn’t uttered a single sexual innuendo all evening, and I had to admit, she wasn’t nearly as entertaining with a leash.

I burst into hysterical laughter. I was still laughing when Cooper came back to the table.

“Did I miss a good joke?” he asked.

“I think the joke’s on Katie, actually.” Vicky smirked, oblivious to what had sent me into hysterics.

“Are you okay?” Cooper leaned in and touched his lips to mine, but I couldn’t really feel it. I couldn’t taste his peppermint breath either. The only things I tasted were salty lime, tequila, and resentment, but I thought that was all me.

“James, you’re up,” Phil said as he walked up to the table, empty beer pitcher in hand.

“What am I singing?” I asked.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t even know what I was singing.” He laughed.

That made two of us. But I only knew what Phil was singing half the time, anyway. Cooper reluctantly released me to slide out of the booth and even more reluctantly let me leave his side to make my way to the stage.

I didn’t know why everyone was acting so weird around me. I was fine.
Really
. I knew my limits. I had run right up to them on a few occasions and peered over the edge. I knew what it was like to tumble over, and I wasn’t even close. I’d only had three margaritas. Or was it four? Either way, they were small.

I snatched the microphone from the DJ’s hand and winked at him. The music started and I froze. That was
not
the song I’d picked. Someone must have switched them, and I could take two guesses as to who it might have been. I knew “Foolish Games,” by Jewel. It was a great song, but the lyrics were
exactly
what I
didn’t
need in my current emotional state.

The words rolled up on the screen, and I felt the first wave of tears pricking my eyes. I tried to hold it back, but once I got into the chorus, I was doomed. My voice cracked, and I looked away from the audience while I failed miserably at pulling myself together. Somehow, I got through the song. But when it was over, I was a basket case. I managed to stumble my way off the platform without falling. I tried to sneak around the side of the stage so I could duck into the ladies’ room. I tripped on something and did a full on belly flop onto the floor in front of the bar, and the air in my lungs was forced out with a sudden
whoosh
.

Stunned, I lay on the hard floor, my face just inches away from a crushed cigarette and an empty peanut shell. I couldn’t move. I was staggered by how much it hurt. I might have been knocked unconscious if I hadn’t put my arms out in front of me; my head had smacked into my forearms rather than the cement floor. The rest of me was not as lucky.

If the impact hadn’t knocked the wind out of me, I might have yelled for help. But I was unable to pull enough oxygen into my lungs to make a sound. I rolled onto my back into a puddle of what I hoped was only beer… and waited.

Cooper was clearly distracted and hadn’t seen me fall. My heart sank. He was never too distracted to pick me up when I fell. A girl could get used to that. A nice man reached down and roughly yanked me back to my feet.

I was about to say thank you when he yelled, “Stay out of the aisle,” as if I were actually
trying
to be a road hazard.

I tried to zip around the corner to the ladies’ room but ran head on into the wall of Cooper’s chest.

“Where are you going?” His eyes scanned my body with an uneasy look.

I glanced down at the front of me. My shirt was sticky and dirty. “I was trying to escape to the ladies’ room, but I must have done something to create bad karma because I’ve had nothing but trouble getting there.”

He laughed, but it wasn’t a funny laugh. It was a
you are in big trouble
laugh. He hooked his arm with mine and tugged me toward the group. “Come on, you little lush. Let’s go back to the table.”

I raised both eyebrows. “What about the restroom?” 

“We can stop there first. Are you okay to go by yourself?” he asked without a hint of humor.

“If I can’t manage to use the bathroom on my own, I am in serious trouble.”

Cooper frowned. “Without a doubt.”

He dropped me off at the door, and I wobbled my way into the last stall. Okay, I was officially in serious trouble.

I dropped to my knees on the unspeakably vile tile floor, gripping both sides of the nasty public toilet with my hands, and violently threw up. Waves of heat rolled over me as my head spun. The horrible smells permeating the stall made me more nauseous than I already was. I desperately wanted to lay my cheek against the cold faux marble, but no matter how sick I was—and I was
sick
—there was no way my face was going anywhere near that bacterial buffet.

I had no idea how long I was in there or if Cooper was still outside the door waiting. None of that was even remotely important while I revisited every single thing I’d eaten all day. Thankfully, I hadn’t eaten much. More than once, I thought I was finished and I stood up, washed my hands, rinsed my mouth, and started for the door, just to turn around and fall to my knees for another wave of vomiting.

Margaritas
. They seemed so innocent—the cute little frozen concoctions in fancy glasses—but they were pure evil, and I needed to perform an exorcism.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, but I didn’t have the strength to fish it out. I leaned my elbows against the cracked plastic seat and cradled my head in my hands, my face hovered over the bowl, just in case.

I had no idea how I was going to get out of the restroom, but I desperately wanted to figure a way to get all the way home unnoticed. If I could just sneak out the door and hail a cab. I didn’t care that my mom thought cabs were petri dishes; nothing could be as bad as where I was. Then I remembered my purse, my keys—and all my money—still in the booth. I was stuck.

A few people had come and gone in the time I was hunched over the toilet—I could hear them doing their thing in the other stalls—but no one bothered to speak to me. I wouldn’t have spoken to me either. I couldn’t even see what I looked like, and I really didn’t want to know.

As I prayed for someone to come looking for me—since escape was highly improbable given my current condition—the door opened again.
I should have been more specific.

“Katie?” She didn’t sound angry, but I knew better than to assume anything with her.

I lifted my head up so my voice wouldn’t echo in the bowl and cleared my throat. “Yes?”

“What are you doing in here?”

I let my head drop back into my hands. I wanted desperately to say something witty, but nothing came to mind. “I’m sick.” My voice cracked, and I felt the tears in my eyes again.

“I knew you were drinking too much.” She didn’t say it in a mean way. It was almost compassionate, at least, for my mother.

She pushed open the door to my stall. “Katie, you look like shit.”

I snapped my head up and spun around to look at her. My mom said
shit
. She
never
swore. But moving my head so quickly had been a mistake. My stomach lurched again, and a fresh wave rippled up from the depths of my body. I leaned back over the bowl just in time.

Barfing wasn’t what I had in mind when I set out for Margaritaville.
I had no idea where it was all coming from. Certainly, I couldn’t have drunk
that
much.

“I’m getting Cooper. Let him deal with you. I have no words.”

Mom left, and a few minutes later, Cooper poked his head into the ladies’ room. “Katie?”

A quiet groan was the only answer I could muster.

“Oh, Katie.”

“Just let me die,” I muttered, head in my hands.

“Sorry. Can’t do that. You’re going to have to suffer through this, sweetheart.” He crouched behind me, rubbing circles on my back. “For someone who doesn’t drink, you spend an awful lot of time drunk. I do believe this is the third weekend in a row you’ll spend nursing a hangover.”

Fabulous
. I whimpered. “It’s not my fault.”

“Who should we blame this time?”

I held back a sob, determined not to cry again. “You’re mad at me.”

“I’m not mad. I am disappointed.” He combed his fingers through my hair. “I have to leave on Sunday, and you’ll be sick long after I’m gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I just don’t understand what got into you tonight.” He never stopped rubbing my back, even as he scolded me.

I knew what had gotten into me—jealousy. Suspicion. And
Grace James
. And none of those things should
ever
be mixed with tequila. “You’ve just been so distracted tonight…”

“I do have responsibilities I can’t ignore.”

I opened my mouth, and the words just flew out. “Who’s Vivian?”

He stopped rubbing my back for a minute. “She works for me.”

“That’s all? She works for you? Nothing more?” I was actually thankful I was still facing the ghastly toilet so I didn’t have to look him in the eyes.

He hesitated for a very long time, then exhaled sharply. “Are you jealous?”

I kept my voice low and even, masking the building panic. “Wh-what if I said yes?”

“If you said yes, I would tell you you’re being ridiculous.” His hands resumed caressing my back, but not quite as gently. “Katie, I told you, I haven’t thought of another woman since we met.”

I shifted my weight, turning until I was sitting flat on the dirty floor, facing him. My eyes brimmed with tears, but I blinked them back.
Pathetic
. “I hate this. I hate the secrets. I hate the guilt. I hate knowing
Vivian
gets to know where you work and I don’t. And I hate that you’re talking to
her
when you’re supposed to be spending time with
me
!” I slapped my hands over my mouth to stop the flow of verbal diarrhea.

His eyes studied me for a moment, then they hardened. “What the hell, Katie? I thought we talked about this. You know I just need a little time.”

“No, Cooper,
we
didn’t talk about this. You said you needed time, and I’m giving you time, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“I don’t know whether to kiss you or strangle you sometimes.” He pushed my hair from my face, tucking it behind my ears. “Listen, we’ll work everything out, okay? But right now, I really think we need to get you home and cleaned up, because, sweetheart, you look like total shit.”

Again with the looking like shit?
I stood carefully, and try as I might, I couldn’t avert my eyes from the mirror fast enough. I really did look like I could be an extra on
The Walking Dead
. I put my hands against my head and groaned.

“Are you okay?” Cooper wrapped his arm around my waist, holding me up.

“I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.”

He winced. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I look pretty awful.”

“It’s a temporary condition.”

I coughed out a laugh. “Which one? My appearance or the insanity that caused me to drink too much?”

He frowned. “Hopefully both.” He shook his head. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Probably nothing tonight.”

He laughed. “Probably not.”

YOU CAN DEFINITELY DIE OF A HANGOVER

I
crawled into bed feeling like someone had beaten the crap out of me. I drifted in and out of sleep, restless from the lingering effects of the alcohol but also from the burning in my throat from the violent retching and the bumps and bruises from falling. I’d set a new record for humiliation—impressive even for me. If my antics at the bar weren’t bad enough, I’d managed to embarrass myself further on the ride home. I had now ruined the carpet in both Cooper’s bedroom
and
his BMW.

I buried my face in the pillow, breathing in his scent and taking what solace I could from that small part of him—the only part I would have for the rest of the night.

Cooper didn’t say anything, but I was certain he was still upset with me. I couldn’t really blame him. I would have been furious with me if I were him. I knew better than to drink so much. He’d made me swallow two aspirin, then put me into bed with a cool, damp cloth resting on my forehead. He climbed in beside me, tucking me into the crook of his arm.

“I don’t know how much longer I can be patient,” I murmured.

As I drifted off to sleep, I heard him reply, “I know.”

I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was gone. I was vaguely aware of his phone having vibrated and him sneaking out of the bed, but I didn’t know when that was. I lay staring at the dark ceiling, not really seeing anything, just running the memories from the past few days through my head and trying to find the exact moment when things had spun so out of control.

I traced it back to Thursday morning; everything had been perfect Wednesday night. I’d locked all of my worries and suspicions into a dark place in my head and refused to let them out. Then my mother came to town and, like Pandora, unlocked the box and freed all my worst fears.

Silvia was right about my mother. The woman screwed with my head. The good news was that she was leaving in a few short hours.

I slipped into unconsciousness again and didn’t wake until the sun was cresting over the horizon. Cooper still wasn’t in bed with me and must have been gone all night long. I’d dreaded the morning as fervently as I’d looked forward to it. I knew Mom was packed—her flight was less than four hours away—and I was more than ready to see her go.

I pulled myself out of bed and dragged my naked body to the bathroom. I didn’t want to think about what had happened to my clothes. I’d managed to wipe the floor with every inch of me last night. I was mortified by my behavior and decided to officially swear off drinking. I only hoped that would be easier than swearing off lying.

As I passed his office, I faintly heard Cooper’s voice. He sounded angry. I desperately wanted to knock on the door and force him to pay attention to me, but I knew I couldn’t do that. He was engrossed in something that wasn’t me, and maybe that was the thing that had me most jealous of all.

I poked around his kitchen, trying to find something that would appeal to my misplaced hunger, and settled on a few slices of cheese and an apple. It figured that as soon as I found a man who liked my curves, I’d lost my appetite.

Despite my unpleasant reaction to the smell, I scrambled eggs for Mom, but of course, she didn’t eat them, nor did she drink the coffee I made. Her loss. I scraped the eggs into the trash and drank the coffee myself.

Mom left her bags by the door for me, like I was her personal valet, and I loaded them into my Prius. I started the engine and backed slowly out of the driveway onto the main road, with Mom sitting quietly beside me. I was a little miffed at Cooper. He hadn’t even poked his head out of the office to say goodbye. We hadn’t talked about it, but I was sure the plan had been for us to take Mom to the airport together. As it got closer to time, I just decided to take her myself.

“I’m telling you, Katie, there is something very wrong with Cooper. You need to be careful.”

I scoffed at her, but truthfully, I was worried. Things were definitely different, and I didn’t need to be paranoid or suspicious to sense that.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come stay with your father and me for a while?”

I gasped. “No!” It took every ounce of self-control to keep my eyes on the road with her spouting off crazy ideas like that.

We got stuck in traffic. It was as if my bad luck was on a winning streak. Mom nagged at me the whole way there, panicking she was going to miss her flight. I was deathly afraid of the same thing, for a different reason. I didn’t want to spend a single extra minute in her presence.

Once we reached the airport, I gave her our usual ultra-polite air kiss and hug, and she hurried off to check her bags and dash through security.

I expected to find silence in the car after I dropped her off, but I was wrong. My head was screaming at me… in Spanish. I didn’t speak Spanish, but I picked out the words
tequila
and
margarita
more than once, and I knew I deserved it. Cooper was right. For a girl who never drank, I’d definitely been drunk a whole lot lately. All I wanted was to sleep off the hangover, so I headed back to Cooper’s.

I fell asleep almost immediately after I slid between the magnificent sheets. I slept like the dead, and when I later awoke, Cooper’s arms were wrapped around me, and I was nestled into his chest.   I nuzzled my nose into his neck.

“You were gone,” he murmured into my hair.

“I had to take Mom to the airport.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I completely forgot. I was supposed to go with you.” He sounded apologetic, which was almost enough for me.

I curled my hand into his hair and snuggled closer. “Yeah. She’s gone now.” I ran my lips along his jaw.

“Mmm.”

“So you didn’t miss me?” I whispered.

“Of course I did.”

“How much?”

“This much.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me until I was dizzy.

“Cooper…” I muttered when I could breathe again.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” My voice was barely a whisper, but I knew he heard me.

He pulled back to gaze into my eyes. “I love you, Katie. More than you can imagine.” For a man professing his love, he looked awfully grim.

We made love for most of the rest of the afternoon, stopping only once to eat. Even then, it was a picnic in bed. He ran down to the kitchen and filled his arms with whatever he could find—fruit, cheese, bread—and he fed me until I was hungry for nothing but him.

When I started to drift back to sleep, he vanished again. I heard his heated voice coming from the other room. I was pretty sure I knew who he was yelling at, but it made me uncomfortable. And it flavored my dreams.

Dreams that had me prowling in the shadows. Dark shapes danced across the white walls as I walked the hall at night, pausing outside each door to knock and getting no answer. I wore a white gossamer dress that reflected the sliver of light coming from the moon. I knew he would be pleased when he saw me.

I heard his voice, but I couldn’t find him. The hallway stretched out further in front of me, and suddenly there were dozens of doors. Doors that didn’t open for me. I think I knew it was a dream, but I couldn’t bring myself to wake up. Instead, I continued to knock until I stopped in front of what I knew must be Cooper’s office.

The heavy door was taller and more ornate than I remembered. I paused to listen to the muted voices on the other side, recognizing Cooper’s but not the other voice—a woman’s. I slowly turned the knob, opening the door a crack, and peeked inside. The room was dark except for the blue glow of the laptop sending eerie shadows across his stony face. He stared at the screen with furious determination.

I whispered, “Cooper
,
” but he didn’t look up. His fingers continued to dart across the keys. I flinched as someone moved behind him. The shape of a woman stepped to the edge of the shadows, never fully coming into the light.

“You know what you have to do,” she hissed.

“I won’t.”
He spoke with resolve, but his lips never moved. His eyes stayed focused on the blue glow of the screen.

“You have to kill her,”
she demanded.

“I don’t want to kill this one, Vivian,”
he responded in a low, angry voice, almost too soft to hear.

A shadowy hand snaked its way across his shoulders, long white fingers tangling into his hair. Her face was still completely in the dark, but I knew her lips were just a breath away from his ear. I struggled to see her, but every time I thought I could almost make out her face, it vanished again.

I instinctively knew she was shouting, but the sound was barely a whisper. “You know you have to kill her. That’s what you do. They won’t be satisfied until she’s dead. You need to kill her before anyone finds out you planned to let her live.”

“I don’t want it to end that way, not this time.”

“This isn’t about what you want, Cooper. Your career will be over if she lives.” Her voice turned sweet, almost adoring. “You don’t want your career to be over, do you?”

“No, I don’t.”
He spoke with such sadness. I could feel his resolve slipping, and I knew he had acquiesced to her demands.

“That’s my Cooper,”
she purred.

I froze in the doorway, too paralyzed to move. The shadowy figure of Vivian faded back into the dark recesses of the office and vanished. Cooper lifted his eyes to me and smiled, but it wasn’t the smile I loved. His lips twisted, revealing two razor sharp fangs that dripped with blood.

My eyes flew open, and I sat bolt upright in Cooper’s bed. I immediately ordered my heart to return to a normal pattern, but it refused.
It was just a dream
,
a nightmare—nothing more.
It was my ridiculous subconscious playing tricks on me, but I could still see the malignant smile on Cooper’s face and still hear the words Vivian had spoken.

I willed my heart to slow, but the dream hadn’t quite cut me loose. Worse than that, it was after midnight, and Cooper wasn’t in bed. His absence made it easier to believe the things my subconscious was shouting at me. Only it wasn’t my subconscious anymore. I could hear his voice carrying into the hall.

Pulling the blanket with me, I slipped a leg over the side of the bed and crept toward the door.

“Goddamn it, Vivian. How many times do I have to spell it out for you? How many ways can I say
no
before you understand?” He was yelling so loud, his voice echoed off the walls as if he were standing right in front of me.

Her voice didn’t carry as far as his, but as I reached the door, I could hear it just as clearly. “Then you may as well lay down your sword right here and give up. There’s absolutely nothing I
can do for you if you walk away from this. It’s not just the money. It’s not just the notoriety or your reputation; it’s the whole shooting match. You’ll be dead in the water, and I don’t want to see that happen. Cooper, you know I love you. I always have. I only have your best interests at heart.” He must have had her on speaker.

So it wasn’t just a dream, after all. I’d been listening to their entire conversation. I pressed my ear to the door.

“Listen, I can’t spell it out any clearer than this. Either she dies, or you do,” Vivian said as calmly as if she was ordering lunch.

“Stop being melodramatic, Viv. I don’t accept that option.”

“Well, you’d better. You knew when you signed your contract you were going to have to kill her. You can’t back out now, not when we’re this close to the end.”

I heard a thud that sounded as though he’d picked up an entire ream of paper and thrown it across the room. “You want me to kill her? Fine, you’ll get your way. You always get your way. But this is absolutely the last one. Do you hear me? After this, I’m done,” he said, his voice strained.

I recoiled from the door, my legs barely supporting me.

Vivian laughed as if she could see my reaction. “You know you can’t just walk away from this…”

She went on, but I’d stopped listening. I registered the sound of their voices, but not a single word sank in. I’d heard all I needed to hear.
Cooper was going to kill me.

My feet wouldn’t work. My brain sent the signal to run, but my heart must have intercepted the message. It was racing so fast I was afraid it would leap straight from my chest from the sheer force of it. But my damn, traitorous feet were frozen in place.

It took me several seconds to realize I was hyperventilating. My lips had gone numb, and I couldn’t feel my fingers. The blanket slipped to the floor, and the cold chill hit my skin, bringing me out of my daze.

Once I’d committed to moving, it was as if I’d been set on fire. Lava coursed through my veins, followed closely by liquid ice, and before I knew it, I was in his room, pulling my clothes on and stuffing my things into a bag. I had to get out of his house before he discovered I knew… or worse, before he set his own plan in motion. With my bag and purse slung over my shoulder, my shoes in hand, and my cell phone in my pocket, I crept into the hall again to listen, terrified he would step out of his office at any moment and catch me sneaking out.

The voices had quieted, but I heard Cooper’s fingers furiously clacking against the keys on his laptop—sending her messages, no doubt. I had never hated anyone with the same fury I hated Vivian at that moment. Somehow, I still believed it was all her doing, that Cooper would have never… but it didn’t matter.

With slow, deliberate steps, I made my way down the dark hallway to the stairs, too afraid to switch on a light or even to risk the glow from my cell phone to light my way. I slid forward one step at a time, searching for the edge of the stairs with my bare feet.

As my toes slipped over the top step, I gripped the handrail and got my bearings. I was scared I would fall in the dark. Any sound would pull Cooper from his office. I couldn’t risk that happening. My shattered heart lurched in my chest as I took each step. Once I reached the bottom, I carefully pulled on my shoes and hurried to the kitchen to grab my keys.

I felt along the top of the island where I knew where they should be, but they weren’t there. I was still too terrified to switch on a light, so I opened the refrigerator as I had the first night I’d fumbled around Cooper’s kitchen snooping for clues in what seemed like another lifetime.