Equilibrium (28 page)

“Was it a rainy, miserable night when we drove home?” I asked. “You were playing Lily Allen and asked me for a Starbucks.”

“Yes,” she said hopefully. “Do you remember?”

“I don’t remember anything before waking up in the car. Well, what I mean is that I don’t remember a life
here
before then. What I remember before getting up in your car, is taking the SAT’s at home in Princeton and then waiting for Dad,
my dad
, to pick me up.” I was totally confused.

Mom looked at me thoughtfully. “Arizona, I think we can accurately pinpoint the change in your memory, or this change, whatever it is, to the car ride home from Ames. The only
new
factor was Gertrude, which is why I think she is somehow responsible. I have no idea
how
, though. Do you believe me?”

I don’t know if I did. She seemed sincere enough. It’s not like she was making up my life here. I did have a life here. Everyone knew me. Ella couldn’t remember any other life. Harry regarded me as his little sister. Everyone thought Gertrude was our
new
dog.

“Didn’t Harry think it was odd when he was suddenly presented with two sisters, nine years ago?” I asked wondering how she’d explained that away to him.

“Well, Ella was our new baby, she was easy. We told him the truth about you. We told him that you were his half-sister and that you had been living with your father. We told him that we had finally managed to arrange for you to come and live with us, that Rupert was adopting you.”

“What? So he knows?”

“Well. We did explain it as much as we could, but I’m not sure he understood much of it
.
We’ve never hidden this from either of you. You just didn’t know the details of the portal. You knew about your father when you arrived here, over time you’ve put him to the back of your mind and I let you do that. But, you’ve always known.”

“How did you explain taking me away from Dad? How did you explain Rupert to me?”

She nodded. “You don’t remember this now, but you were a very miserable eight-year-old. You were unhappy at home, because of your dad and me. It was a very sad environment for you. Your dad was never around. He was in and out of rehab. When I brought you through and provided you with the life you had yearned for, you accepted it willingly. You were delighted to have Rupert as your dad. He was always there for you. And, of course, you loved having Harry as your older brother. I assume you never questioned it because it was like a fairytale for you after what you’d been through. You never spoke of Dillard. We never spoke of him.”

“Dad seems better now,” I said defensively. “He’s not been in rehab for ages.”

“What was he doing when you went back, Arizona?”

“I don’t know, he went to Atlantic City,” I mumbled.

“Precisely my point. Did he even notice that you had been gone? Did you manage to chat to him?” she asked, staring at me.

I’d had enough of this talk. I got up to leave.

“Hold on, Arizona. Sit back down for a moment. If this conversation is not to your liking, let’s change the subject.”

I sat back down with my hands clutched in my lap, waiting for her to speak.

“There are a lot of unanswered questions. The most important one is trying to figure out how the switch in you occurred. I’m working on it. If you remember anything else, please tell me. Or, tell Larry, if you’re uncomfortable speaking to me. We’ll work it out. I do need to know what happened in Princeton, when you went back. Can you tell me?”

“You know some of it already. I woke up in my bed at home. Everything was back to
normal
except this blond hair. Dad left in the morning and even didn’t notice the new look. He was apparently too busy to speak to me.”

“Were you happy to be back, Arizona?”

“I was at first. But then I was so
alone
. I missed everyone, especially Kellan.” I remembered back to the feeling of absolute, gut-wrenching loneliness. “I met up with Monica. I even went back to school and played hockey, but I was still miserable. When I saw David, I felt like my whole life glowed again, I was so relieved. But, wait–tell me about David. Explain this whole Wanderer thing!”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Yes, well I don’t really believe all that Wanderer stuff. There must be another explanation. We’ll figure that out as well. Did you tell your dad, or anyone else, about the portal?”

I was a bit surprised at her attitude about the Wanderers. She doubted their existence? Could she be that blind? I decided to leave it be for now, but she would eventually have to accept them. They had saved us.

“No, I didn’t tell anyone other than Harry. You’re going to have to have one of these talks with him as well. You need to tell him the whole story.”

“You’re right, I will,” she said, thoughtfully. “I think it’s time for a break. You need to head over to the rink anyway. I’m coming to watch. Who are you playing tonight?”

“I’ve no idea,” I said. I was really looking forward to it, though. I needed to feel the ice. It was going to be awesome. “One more question, before we go,” I said.

“Yes?”

“How come Grandma is alive?” I asked.

“Oh, she came through the portal with you and Ella,” she said, as we walked back to the kitchen.

“Mom, you’re going to have to do better than that! But thanks for being so open with me, it means a lot. Can I ask you one more last thing for now?”

She nodded.

“I’ve been trying to figure how this works. You brought me through the portal when I was eight. So in dad’s dimension, I must still exist, right. Because, he was still there when I got back, nothing had changed. Is there more than one of me?”

“I don’t know, Arizona. I’m not sure if I want to know.”

I persisted. “But, Mom. We have to know. Going back there, like I did, may have totally messed up things in that dimension. I didn’t see another me. But that’s not to say that I wasn’t away at a tournament or something. If I’m there, Dad’s not going to miss me obviously, but I can’t pop back and visit him either.”

“Were you planning on visiting him?”

“Yes, of course,” I replied. “I was hoping that David would take me back.”

“Arizona, I wish I could give you more answers, I wish I had more answers. I’m really sorry for the way things have turned out and how my actions have affected your life,” she said looking despondent. “I don’t know, is the simple answer. However, I am going to try my hardest to find the answers you need.”

I sort of wanted to go over and put my arms around her, to give her a hug. However, I was not feeling ready for that yet. I was relieved that Rupert walked into the kitchen and did it for me. I could see she
needed
him as she hugged him. I wanted to be able to go over and join them. I hoped I would be able to one day.

A
s I sat counting down my two minutes in the penalty box, my only thought was that it was so worth it. Jamming that poor jerk into the boards had been just what I needed, there was no other release quite like it. I had felt pretty calm at the beginning of the game. My talk with Mom had been good. I felt at peace, in a strange sort of away. However, as I faced my opponents on the ice, all my pent up frustrations rose to the surface and I let rip. It felt so good.

My time was up, time to go and kick some more butt. I put my mouth guard back in and skated out.

This game had started like all others, but would end a bit differently. We were playing against an all-boys, private, catholic school, the sort that wear school uniforms–ties and all that sort of stuff. Coach did his usual pre-game talk. He had his whiteboard with him and went over the plays. Kellan, David and Harry were the first offense. For whatever reason, he’d demoted me to the second line defense. I was none too pleased. I wanted to get on the ice right away.

When we came out of the locker room to warm-up, we found that the Zamboni was still out, and then we had to wait again for the refs to appear. I was fairly wound up by the time we finally got on the ice to do our warm-ups. I glanced up at the bleachers and saw Mom there, camera in hand. Ariele and Maria were there as well. I wondered where Ali was, probably with Robert.

We started off doing a few laps around our half of the rink, sizing up the competition at the same time. Harry had us do some sprints and the butterfly drill next, just the usual routine, but I gave it my all. The feeling of skating around on the ice was indescribably satisfying. When the whistle blew, we skated down to Coach.

“Okay, ready?  They only have two lines. Shoot high on the goalie, he goes down on everything. This ref calls the game tight, so watch it,” he warned.

I took my seat in the box to wait my turn while the starting lines skated out. I saw the coach of the opposing team point toward me a couple of times–not a good feeling. I was all pumped, though, and the extra ninety seconds I had to wait before I was told to go on just fueled me. I was on fire by the time I hit the ice. It became immediately apparent why the opposing coach had been pointing at me. They had been specifically told to go after me. As soon as I skated toward their offence, a tall guy had me in a choke-hold with his stick, pulling me back so that I couldn’t stop the puck from going past. I was beyond furious and about to butt-end him when he was suddenly down. I have no idea what exactly happened, because it happened so fast, but he was abruptly on the ice with three of my teammates towering over him. We were three down as they were sent off to the penalty box. Exasperating! Mostly because I hadn’t seen the choke-hold coming, but also because those three had taken it upon themselves to take care of me. I had to hold my own. I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I drew on my innermost pent-up rage and turned into a beast for the rest of the game–I kicked, I slashed, I crosschecked. I did whatever I had to, to hold my own. Unfortunately the last wimp I crosschecked went down–and didn’t get back up again. It wasn’t like I had butt-ended him or anything–I should have!–but I was out. That really sucked, I had really been enjoying myself.

“Darley, have you lost your mind?” Coach growled.

I just shrugged at him and sat down. He didn’t say another word–he was fuming.

The team congregated around the box while the stretcher was brought out. Once the wimp was removed, they continued.

“Arizona, are you okay?” Mom asked from behind the box.

I was embarrassed. I could almost hear the coach smirking.

“Mom, I’m all right, really! I’ll see you back home, okay?”

“If you’re sure, Arizona. You took quite a few bad knocks out there,” she pointed out.

“Not as bad as she gave,” the coach muttered under his breath.

“Mom, you have to go! No need to stay for the rest of the game, it’s almost over anyway, and I won’t get back onto the ice,” I pleaded.

“Okay. Make sure you drive straight home. I took some good pictures,” she said, pointing to her camera.

“Wonderful, Mom. Now please
go
,” I begged her.

The final whistle blew a few moments after she left. It was a tough game, but we won. I got on the ice to do our post-game handshakes, but the opposing team just skated off. Babies.

“Seriously, Shrimp! What was that?” Kellan asked, skating up to me.

I noticed the blood on his mouth guard. “You okay?” I asked, pointing at it.

He shrugged it off. “Don’t change the subject. What the hell were you trying to do out there, you nearly got yourself killed!”

“Oh, don’t be a drama queen,” I laughed. “I was far from getting myself killed! Those boys took a beating.”

“What was that?” Harry and David asked in unison, skating to a dead stop right in front of me.

“Good grief, guys! Never seen a girl play before? I always play like that!”

“Whatcha mean?” Harry asked puzzled.

Oops, I had slipped. I really needed to get Harry up to speed. Not right now, though.

“Look, I have to get changed. I’ve already had a talking to from Coach. So, stop being a bunch of silly babies. I’ll meet you in the cafeteria,” I said, and did the best flick-of-blond-hair I could and walked off.

“Great game,
A
,” Ariele commented, as she walked up to me on the way to the changing room. “Too bad you’ll miss the next one.”

“Right! Imagine getting sent off for something so stupid. Would never have happened at home. These boys need to man up!”

Ariele laughed. “Well, he was taken off on a stretcher…”

“He was just faking! He’ll be fine. I didn’t hit him that hard. I would have known if I had.”

“How did your talk with your mom go?” she asked, rolling her eyes at me. “Bad?”

“No. It was actually surprisingly fine,” I said. “She almost felt kind of human, you know?”

“Really?” Ariele replied with surprise. “So why the heck are you so wound up then?”

“I’m not! I feel great,” I winked.

“You know what I mean,
A
! You were pretty aggressive out there, even for
you
.”

“I don’t really know,” I said, stripping out of my sweat-drenched kit. “I am frustrated. Frustrated about having two different lives that I can’t combine. And that’s what I really want to do.” I started wiping myself down with the baby wipes that had become a permanent fixture in my bag.