Epilogue (11 page)

“No need to get worked up, Claudia. We’re just talking.” Rubio looked toward me. “What do you think, James? Are you a Kubrick fan?”

It was the first time anyone had called me James. It was such a simple name. It had no hidden meaning like
dog
or
loyal disciple
. It was just a name. A normal name for a normal person.

“Um, I’ve never seen the movie and I don’t really know who Kubrick is. We saw the new
Harry Potter
last week.  I liked that one.” I smiled and sipped some sangria. Everyone burst into laughter, and Livvie leaned over to give me another easy kiss.

“I’m sorry, Sexy. Sometimes we get our nerd on without thinking about other people. Let’s change the subject.”

“I don’t mind. I like hearing what you think. I follow the conversation. Personally, I’d like to think a person can change for the better. But I think Rubio is correct as well—a person has to have a reason to change. They have to believe their situation will be made better by changing. Otherwise, that person is at a disadvantage. Violence is necessary if you live in a violent world.” My heart was thumping hard.

Rubio’s expression turned sour. “I never said violence was necessary. I said there’s too much of it and we need to find a way to treat it as a societal disease.”  

“That will never happen. Even flowers kill, Rubio. Human beings are far more flawed than flowers. We all do what we feel we must do. If that means killing… so be it. Survival—”

“Is the most important thing,” Livvie finished. Her expression turned wistful. She set her fork down and stood. “I’m bored of this conversation. Let’s play more Rock Band.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I knew that smile well.

I regretted ever opening my stupid mouth.

We played Rock Band for a few more hours. I got much better at the guitar and actually enjoyed myself. I’d studied a lot of things about America and Americans. I’d learned about their pop culture, but I’d never played a video game. It was very entertaining and I decided I’d be buying a PlayStation the very next day.

Afterward, Claudia and Rubio decided to pack up more than their share of the leftovers and head home. They hugged me goodbye—yes, both of them—and I thought it was a little strange. I went with it, though. I could be a hugger… maybe. No, it was weird.

“If we were in The States, you could buy one on the cheap tomorrow. Too bad Spain doesn’t celebrate Black Friday,” Livvie said as she turned the faucet on and began washing dishes.

“What the hell is that?” I asked and opened the dishwasher.

“It’s a sacred tradition where thousands of hoarders camp outside stores and then bludgeon their neighbors for the best prices on PlayStations and iPads. I used to go with my mom.” She shrugged.

“I think I’ll just order one on the computer. Unless you would find it romantic for me to bludgeon your neighbors?” I smiled. Livvie laughed.

“Hmmm… maybe. Let’s see who complains about the loud rock music.” She shoved me with her shoulder. “You did good today. My friends are a little in love with you, I think.”

I felt a strange pang in my chest.

“I did my best. They seem nice. Claudia is a little too friendly, and I don’t understand how Rubio does anything in those skinny pants, but they obviously love you. You’re very lucky, Kitten.” I paused. “There seems to be no shortage of people who love you.”

Livvie was scouring a pot and didn’t meet my eyes.

“Caleb,” she sighed.

“I like James. Maybe you should call me that. Less chance you’ll slip around your friends. I could call you Sophia. We could, I don’t know… pretend. We could pretend to be normal… together. I’m not wearing those skinny jeans, though.” I tried to keep the conversation light. We’d had such a great day and I didn’t want to ruin it.

Livvie handed me the pot for rinsing.

“I’ve been thinking about that. I think… it could be a good idea. It might sound weird, but when they changed my name I felt free to become someone else. Livvie was a sad girl. She cared too much about things that didn’t matter and let people take advantage of her. Sophia is self-aware and she doesn’t take shit from anyone.”

I didn’t care for her words.

“You never took shit from anyone. You’re the strongest person I know. Stronger than me.” I swallowed. “But I know what you mean. Rafiq started calling me Caleb after he…” I couldn’t say the word rescued. Rafiq had never rescued me. “I used to be called something far less flattering.”

Livvie handed me another dish and moved closer to me. Our arms brushed whenever we moved.

“What was it?”

I mentioned the name in Arabic.

“That doesn’t sound bad. What’s wrong with it?”

I had to laugh to keep from feeling everything else.

“It means dog. My name was dog.” I took the dish Livvie had been washing from her hands and rinsed it before putting it in the dishwasher. I didn’t want to acknowledge her shock.

“Why would anyone…? The world is fucking disgusting.” She stopped washing dishes and put her arms around my waist from behind. “I think you’re a miracle, James. I think you deserve to be happy. We both do.”

I kept washing dishes.

“I don’t know if you’re right, Sophia. I know you deserve to be happy. I know you deserve someone… better, but I’m selfish. I want you. I want you bad enough to try and be someone better.

“That said, it wouldn’t surprise me if you decided it was too little, too late. I won’t be here a second longer than you want me to be. I promise.” I didn’t mention the part where I’d lose my fucking mind. I wasn’t sure what I would do if Livvie didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t necessarily have anything to go back to except killing and smuggling. Was I a better person? Maybe not. I was only better when I was living for her. I felt like a time-bomb.

“Then I’m selfish too, because I want you just as much. I know it’s been odd between us. How could it not be? We don’t know each other in this world, but I’ve seen you at your worst, and what I know is that you’d do anything to protect me. That’s enough for now. The rest will come.” She kissed my back and came back to the sink to continue washing.

“There’s not much to me, you know? Not much that’s good anyway. What else do you expect to learn?” I knew my expression wasn’t doing much to hide my frustration.

“I know we both like Harry Potter. I know you have to get drunk to meet my friends because you’re nervous. You pay attention when you’re not speaking and whenever you do, you add something to the conversation. You like to read as much as I do. I know I’ll never catch you in a pair of skinny jeans.” She laughed and bumped me with her hip. “I know you’re a quick learner. You killed it on guitar in just a few hours. You help with dishes. I’m learning a lot of things about you, James. I like it.”

“This is the part where I’d grab you and fuck you in front of the sink, but I have to be honest—I am stuffed! I can’t wait to put on a pair of lounging pants and take a nap.”

We laughed.

“That’s the turkey. It makes everyone sleepy. Tomorrow we get to eat leftovers all day. So good.” She looked at me sidelong and made her lips curve into a mischievous smile. “I’ll be sure to ask you to fuck me before I feed you.”

“Ask me?” I asked through a laugh. She’d never have to ask me.

“Beg you?” she purred.

My cock stirred.

“Well, I guess you
do
know me.”

Chapter Eight

“Do you have plans for Christmas?” I asked Livvie. She handed me a cup of coffee and took a sip of her own. The temperature had been dropping steadily, but the streets were still crowded with would-be shoppers. Livvie and I seemed a bit at odds with our surroundings due to our lack of shopping bags. She smiled at me brightly.

“Yes. I plan to spend the better part of the day super glued to your body.” She ran one of her mitten-clad hands down the front of my coat. I laughed.

“Well then, I’m looking forward to it already. I’ll be sure to giftwrap.” I tugged her close and kissed her more passionately than was appropriate in public. Her lips were cold but the inside of her mouth was warm and tasted faintly of coffee and sugar. “But I meant with other people. Are there people you have to see?”

A strange expression marred her features.

“No. It’s just us. Claudia and Rubio are each spending time with their families. They’re only going to see each other for part of the day because Rubio’s family lives in Madrid. Claudia invited us to go over to her mom’s house, but I didn’t figure you’d want to go. Honestly, I don’t feel like going either. We might all get together on Christmas Eve, though. Why do you ask?”

I took her hand and led her into the flow of bodies, making our way toward the next block of shopping. It had been her idea to go shopping, but Livvie had yet to purchase a single thing.

“I’ve never celebrated Christmas. I haven’t celebrated a lot of holidays, actually. I thought since I liked your Thanksgiving, I might… branch out.”

“Oh yeah?” Livvie said excitedly. “That’s great, Sexy! Now I feel bad for not getting you a gift yet. We’ll have to do it up right if it’s your first Christmas. I figured you didn’t celebrate it, so I didn’t want to push the subject. If you weren’t into it, no reason for me to celebrate.”

I noticed the undercurrent of sadness in Livvie’s voice and suspected it had something to do with her lack of family. I was oddly tempted to ask about them. I didn’t much care for her mother, but I knew she had siblings and I didn’t know if she spoke to them or not. Then again, her having a relationship with her family didn’t necessarily bode well for me.

“You’ve already given me more than I’ve ever had. You wouldn’t want to spoil me, would you?” I flashed my most suggestive grin. Livvie looked at me sidelong.

“I wouldn’t
dream
of spoiling you. You’re a big enough pain as it is.”

“I’m sorry, I thought I was gentle.” I braced for the punch I knew I was coming. She can be such a violent little thing.

“Don’t be gross!” she admonished. It was difficult to take her seriously while she was laughing. “I wonder if there’s still time to get a tree. Usually people put them up after Thanksgiving, but there has to be a lot somewhere that sells them. I’ll ask Claudia. She usually knows where to go for stuff. I mean, I’ve learned a bunch since I’ve been here, but like, I’m not
from
here so I need help sometimes. Ha! This one time I got lost…” Livvie seemed completely engrossed in the art of one-sided conversation. I admit it, I tuned out a little. I thought I had learned the various sides to Livvie while in Mexico, but I was beginning to feel as though I’d only scratched the surface. I rather liked the idea of new discoveries—even when the discovery was that Livvie could be as much of a rambler as Claudia.

“I was thinking of something else entirely,” I broke in. Livvie halted, much to the chagrin of the pedestrians behind us trying to get upstream with the other salmon.

“What were you thinking?” She looked somewhat perturbed and I wasn’t sure why.

“What’s that face for?”

She shook her head and pasted on a saccharine smile.

“Nothing.
Nothing.
It’s just… what were you going to say?” She smiled a bit more genuinely.

“You were thinking something. Just tell me what it was.” I took a sip from my coffee. I’d never been much of a coffee drinker, but it was slowly growing on me. Livvie usually had some with her breakfast. She blew out a breath.

“I don’t know, I thought you might say something about… visiting friends of yours. Or something.”

“Wow,” I said. “You think I have friends? Friends I would want to spend holidays with, no less.” I had to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of it.

“Well, not friends, but… you know people.” She lifted an ebony brow and tilted her head to the side with suspicion.

“I’ve left all that behind, Livvie. You know that,” I said evenly.

“I thought you were going to call me Sophia from now on.” She looked down at her shoe and kicked at an imaginary rock.

“That question wasn’t exactly meant for James, was it?” I kept my tone pleasant.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, James.” She stepped closer and playfully kicked at the tip of my shoe with her sneakered foot. “You forgive me? Do I still get my surprise?”

I chuckled because I had no other recourse. I had come to understand our relationship would be riddled with moments where the past sucked all the joy out of the present. My only hope was that with enough time, Livvie and I would build memories capable of trumping our beginning.

“Yes, on both counts. I’m much too excited about your gift to let you ruin it for us.”

Livvie looked up at me with a glare that quickly became a smile.

“It’s for both of us, eh? It’s not lingerie, is it? Because that’s more for you than it is me. I’m not saying I won’t wear it, but I’m going to insist I get other presents too.”

“You’re ridiculous.” I started walking and Livvie quickly fell into step next to me.

“You’re sexy,” she whispered as she dragged my arm across her shoulders. It made for awkward walking, but I didn’t mind.

“Yes, I know. It’s a curse. Anyway, I was hoping you could take the week of Christmas off from work. I want to take you to Paris.” I pulled her close and placed a kiss on the top of her head. The pink fuzz from her hat stuck to my lips. I lifted my arm from her shoulders and picked it off.

From the corner of my eye, I observed an older man watching me and Livvie. I wouldn’t have noticed him, except he was alone and without shopping bags—or anything in his hands at all. He caught me watching and tilted his head in greeting before turning to look at a window display. I warily pulled my attention back toward Livvie. The old man wasn’t anyone I knew and he hardly looked dangerous. I had left the world of intrigue behind. Old men were only old men.

“
Paris?
You are so damn sweet when you want to be. I’ve already been to Paris though—last year.” She bounced as she walked happily. “I can probably get the time off work, though. It’s late for requests, but Giovanni is pretty good about that kind of thing. I’m a student, so I don’t think he expects too much out of me.”