Envious (12 page)

“Why’s that?” Katie faced him as she waited for the water to boil.

“I found a condo downtown. I’m moving in this weekend.”

“Wow, that didn’t take long.”

“No, when you find something that feels right, there’s no sense waiting, is there?”

The way he looked at her told her he was talking about her relationship with Chris. Not that they had a relationship…yet. “I guess not.” Her hands trembled as she poured hot water into her cup. She knew if she brought the delicate cup to her lips, she’d end up wearing the tea instead of drinking it.

“Have you found something that feels right with Chris?”

She couldn’t face him and admit she had feelings for someone else. It felt so wrong. Lee had been the one to help her overcome her addiction. He’d held her hand when Hannah came into the world. He’d stood by her as she fought to become the kind of person their daughter could be proud of.

“It’s okay to admit it,” he said softly. “No one’s judging you.”

But she was judging herself. Katie had always been her own worst critic. “I don’t know where this thing with Chris is going to go.”

“But you’d like to find out.” When she still refused to face him, Lee said, “For God’s sake, Kat, will you turn around?”

She sucked in a deep breath and whirled around, leaving her tea on the counter. “Fine. Happy now?”

“No, I won’t be happy until you tell me the truth.” Lee ran a hand over his eyes, looking weary. “Look, I know this isn’t easy for you, but eventually one of us will find someone else. It’s inevitable.”

“Yeah, but…Chris—”

“Is a great guy,” Lee said. “If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be one of my best friends. I get it, okay? I get what you see in him. Any woman would probably feel the same way.” He smirked. “Not that I’m real big on judging another guy’s attributes.”

Katie sputtered and laughed when Lee made a face that told her it was painful for him to even think of his friend that way. “You really don’t have a problem with us?”

“I’ll always want what’s best for you. If you’re happy, Hannah will be too. That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

Lee was a different man than the one whose only concern had been where his next fix would come from. “Hannah’s so lucky to have you as her daddy,” she said, smiling even though her eyes were swimming with tears. “I want the same thing for you, you know. To be happy.”

“I’m getting there. It’ll take some time to get used to the way things are now.” Lee drew circles on the table with the tip of his index finger. He fixated on the repetitive action instead of looking at Katie. “I’m gonna miss seeing her every day.”

It broke her heart to see Lee so torn up about losing his daily Hannah fix. Katie knew she would be just as heartbroken. “You can stop by and see her whenever you want. I hope you know that.”

“Every day?” He lifted his head to smile at her. “I’m just kidding. I know you need your privacy, especially now.”

“I want you to know I’m not ready to rush into another relationship. I’ll see where this thing with Chris goes, but I’m not planning to get serious too soon.”

“Just don’t shut him down before you’ve given it a fair chance.”

Katie frowned. “What makes you think I’d do that?”

“Because I know you. I’m not convinced you believe you deserve a happy ending with a guy like Chris, but you do. Don’t shortchange yourself, and drive him away in the process.” Lee walked toward her. Gripping her shoulders, he leaned in to kiss her forehead. “Give him a chance to love you, and don’t be afraid to love him back.”

“You’re getting way ahead of yourself,” Katie said breathlessly.
Love?
It took time to develop those kinds of feelings. She’d never thought of Chris that way before… had she? “We’re talking about going out to dinner a time or two, nothing more.”

“I have a feeling Chris won’t be satisfied with the occasional date. He has real feelings for you. I see it when he talks about you. If you’re not there, don’t waste his time or yours. I don’t want to see either one of you get hurt.”

Oh God, was she really ready for this? She watched Lee heading for the door. At least when she’d been unhappily married, she didn’t have to risk putting her heart on the line. It almost made her wish Lee had stayed.

“By the way,” Lee said, gripping the door frame and facing her, “I think Chris’s gonna ask you and Hannah to take a road trip with him and Bianca this weekend. For what it’s worth, I think you should go. One way or another, you need to decide if this is going anywhere. If it’s not, tell him. If you think it might be, let your guard down. Give him a chance.”

Katie held her breath as Lee closed the door. Let her guard down and risk getting her heart broken? The only man she’d ever let in was Lee, and that had been easier because she knew she’d survive if he ever left her. With Chris, she wasn’t so sure.

***

Katie sounded distant when Chris called an hour later. Lee had said their talk went well, that he’d given Katie his blessing. If that was true, why didn’t she sound happy to hear from him? When the silence stretched on a little too long, he asked, “Everything okay?”

“Um, yeah. Sorry, I was just getting some work done. I’m wrapping up these last couple of courses this week. Then I’ll have to worry about studying for exams. That, with the business, and the divorce…” She sighed. “It’s just a lot to deal with.”

“Maybe a change of scenery would do you good.” When she didn’t question him, Chris knew Lee must have mentioned the weekend getaway.

“I appreciate the offer, but—”

“You can’t go, or you don’t want to?” In Chris’s mind, there was a big difference. The last thing he wanted was to push her, but he didn’t want to lose the ground they’d gained by letting her retreat just because she was afraid to face her feelings for him.

“I really should stay home. The sooner I plow through this, the more time I’ll have to study for my exams. All of our plans for the business hinge on me passing, right? I wouldn’t want to disappoint you.”

“You could never disappoint me. Don’t you know that by now?”

“That’s sweet.”

He could tell she was wavering. She wanted to go, but she didn’t trust herself to make the right decision. “I’d hate like hell to miss out on time with Bianca this weekend. If I can’t talk you and Hannah into coming with me, I can’t take her either. I need someone to watch her while I check out the site. It’s not exactly safe to have her running around a truck yard.”

“Where do you have to go?”

“Tulsa.”

“Hmmm…”

“So what do you say? You wanna be my co-pilot? It might be kinda fun.” He knew the four of them would have a blast together, but he didn’t want to come on too strong and make her feel as though he was backing her into a corner.

“Sure, why not?”

“Great! I’ll swing by and pick Bianca up after work. We can head out Friday night, drive a few hours, and stop at a hotel once the girls fall asleep. We should be able to make Tulsa by noon.”

“Uh, a hotel?”

He chuckled. “Two rooms. I’ll bunk with Bianca and you with Hannah.”

“I knew that. I just—”

“Wanted to make sure. I get it.” He smiled. At least she was agreeing to go with him. He hoped before long they would be sharing a bed.

Bianca and Hannah chattered happily in the backseat, totally oblivious to the tension in the front seat. The road trip had sounded like a good idea when Lee suggested it, but what if spending so much time together so soon, with a couple of kids thrown into the mix, was a recipe for disaster? Maybe by the end of this weekend, Katie would say thanks, but no thanks.

“So how’s the studying going?” Chris asked, desperate to break their uncomfortable silence. They’d been driving for over an hour, and he’d grown weary of making small talk just to hear his own voice.

“It’s going okay,” Katie said, looking out the window. “It’ll be nice to get the final exams out of the way, though.”

“Yeah, I remember what that was like.” It seemed like just yesterday he’d been pulling all-nighters to cram for exams. Some days he felt as though he’d gone from being a sleep-deprived graduate student to a divorced father in the blink of an eye.

“I still can’t believe you got through that many years of school.” Katie shuddered. “I don’t think I could ever do it.”

“School was fun for me,” Chris said, knowing he must sound like a boring brainiac. “It was always a new challenge. I liked that.”

“It’s always been nothing but stress for me.”

Like Lee, Chris worried about how Katie was handling all the new stress in her life. A pending divorce, being a single parent, final exams, and the prospect of a new business all happening at once would be a lot for anyone to handle. For a recovering addict, it could be disastrous. “How’re you handling that?” He hoped he sounded casual instead of concerned.

Katie glanced over her shoulder to make sure the girls were engrossed in their game. “If you’re asking me if I’ve been tempted to stray, the answer is a resounding no. The first time I looked into my baby girl’s eyes, I vowed I’d stay on the straight and narrow. I’ve never even been tempted to get off course.”

Chris hoped his sigh of relief wasn’t audible. “I’m glad to hear that. I’d hate to think I’m adding to your stress with this business though. If you need to take some more time to think about whether you’re really ready for this kind of commitment, I’m cool with that.”

Katie looked him in the eye for the first time since they’d pulled out of her driveway. He realized she was having reservations about more than just the business. She was second guessing her decision to see him. According to Lee, their talk had gone well, so if Lee wasn’t the reason she’d changed her mind, Chris knew he must be the reason.

“Girls, it’s time to turn off the game and get some shut-eye,” Katie said, reaching for the children’s tablet.

“Does that mean I don hafta brush my teeth tonight, daddy?” Bianca asked.

Chris gave her the evil eye in the rearview mirror as he pulled up to a red light. Instead of recognizing it as a warning, Bianca giggled. “What do you think, little lady? Would your mama let you go to sleep without brushing your teeth first?”

She shook her head, making her chin-length curls bounce. “Na uh.”

“That’s what I thought,” Chris said, smirking. “Go to sleep. We’ll wake you up when we get to the hotel.” It was well after eight, so Chris knew it wouldn’t be long before both girls were sound asleep. Maybe that would give him the opportunity to find out what was bothering Katie.

Sure enough, within ten minutes, both girls were asleep. Katie smiled when she looked at them. “They look so angelic.”

“Hannah’s so sweet to Bianca,” Chris said quietly. “She treats her just like a—” He stopped himself short of saying
little sister
. If Katie was already having doubts about them, a comment like that would only fuel the problem.

“Hannah’s always wanted a baby sister,” Katie said as though she could read his mind. “She’s asking me all the time why she can’t have one.”

“What’d you tell her?” Chris asked, stealing a glimpse at her profile.

She looked sad, and it broke his heart. Didn’t she know he would bust his butt to give her anything and everything she’d ever wanted? All she had to do was say the word. Katie had had a tough life growing up and that experience had made her believe she didn’t deserve much better, but he wanted to show her that her life could be amazing if she would trust him with her heart.

“I told her it wasn’t the right time. I guess now that day will never come.”

“You don’t know that.” He took a risk and reached for her hand. He held his breath until he was satisfied she wouldn’t pull away. “Your life doesn’t have to end just because your marriage is.” She didn’t respond. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you, or do I have to guess?”

“I’ve just been thinking about some of the things Lee said to me last night.”

“He said your talk went well. You don’t agree?”

“It did.” She released a shaky sigh. “I mean, we agreed that we both want the other to be happy. I guess that’s something, right?”

“Yeah.” But Chris was more interested in what Lee had said about Katie dating him. “You know how ugly divorces can get. It’s nice when things can remain civil, especially when there are kids involved.”

“I guess it’s easy to let go when you were never really holding on all that tight.”

“Are you talking about you or Lee?”

She shrugged. “Both of us. I married Lee because I didn’t want to deal with my addiction alone. I was afraid of relapsing. I stayed married to him because it felt safer than being alone. To tell you the truth, I’m still afraid of being alone, but that’s no reason to jump into another relationship right away.”

Chris’s gut clenched. He’d seen that coming since she got in the car. The rigid set of her slight shoulders and the ticking in her jaw told him she was as tense as he’d ever seen her. She’d intended to deliver bad news and was obviously dreading it, but not half as much as he was. “You’re saying you don’t think you’re ready to start seeing me?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to start seeing anyone,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Believe me, it’s not you. It’s—”

“Don’t say it,” he said, withdrawing his hand. He wrapped it around the steering wheel instead. He had no interest in holding her hand if that was as far as it would ever go. “I get it.”

“The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

He was determined not to let his frustration show, but he couldn’t deny the effort was taxing. “You mind telling me what happened to change your mind? You seemed into me in my office, and the other night at dinner I thought we had a great time. Was I just imagining that?”

“No.” She curled her hand around his forearm. “I did have a great time. I always have a great time with you. You’re sweet and kind and funny and—”

“Would you just stop?” he asked between clenched teeth. “I don’t need you to try to make me feel better. You’re not the first woman who’s given me the ‘friends’ speech. I’ll survive.” It hadn’t happened since he’d had his braces taken off in tenth grade, but he hadn’t forgotten what it felt like to love a girl who didn’t feel the same way.