Enchanted and Desired (10 page)

“That’s a load of crap and you know it. I was there remember…I KNOW how it felt when I was deep inside you baby. You fucking loved it, and it scared the shit out of you.” I lean in close to her face, my rage threatening to overwhelm me.

“Tell me it wasn’t my face you saw while he fucked you. Tell me you weren’t imagining it was
my
cock hammering in and out of you, just so you could get off.”

“You arrogant bastard.” She starts to hit me, pounding on my chest.

“How many women have you slept with since we were together?”

“Why the fuck does that matter? You don’t even fucking want me.”

“Just answer the goddamn question Simon.” I know I’m going to regret this.

“SEVEN!! Are you happy now? Does that make you feel better Jess? Since I watched you get into the car with that fucking dickhead I’ve slept with seven women trying to forget you, and two of them were at the same time! I pictured you every time just so I could shoot my load and get the fuck away from them, because NONE of them made me feel the way you do.” I have to hold her hands to stop her from hitting me as she struggles to contain her emotions.

“You disgust me you know that? Don’t ever touch me again. Let go of me…NOW.” I do as she asks, the look of defeat and disappointment on her face, stabbing a knife into my heart.

“Jess, this isn’t easy for either of us. I don’t EVER let women in; I don’t DO relationships; and I don’t talk about my feelings – because generally I don’t have any when it comes to women I sleep with. I know that sounds shitty, but I have my own demons to bear and this is how I’ve dealt with it. Then you come along and fucking wreck it, making me feel…I don’t even fucking KNOW what I feel, but I know this much, I want you, I want to be inside you, giving you pleasure and watching the way your body moves as you come apart beneath me.”

“Don’t spin me another one of your bullshit lines.” Now I’m fucking angry. I just poured my fucking heart out and this is what I get?

“It’s not a fucking line Jess. Here’s the reality. If you hadn’t fucking shut me out after our last night together, I wouldn’t have slept with any of those women. I would have been worshipping your body; indulging your every desire; begging you to ride my cock. But that wasn’t the case, and I dealt with it the only way I know how.” A single tear escapes her eye as she drops her head in defeat.

“I need to go. Please…just let me go. Whatever this is between us…this attraction…it’s toxic, for both of us. I don’t want to see you again Simon. Don’t call; don’t try to contact me at all. Let’s just walk away while we’re both still relatively unscathed…Please.” The pain I see on her face is killing me, and I know I need to let her go.

“I’m sorry Jess.” I kiss her cheek, inhaling the scent of cherries that is unique to her, letting it ingrain itself in my memory before I turn and walk away, forcing each step; every stride away from her causing a tightening in my chest that I don’t understand. I barely know this girl and yet I’m fighting the urge to turn and take one last look at her; fighting the urge to go back and get her, claim her, and fuck her until neither of us can question the physical connection we share. FUCK I hate this feeling. I need to go talk to Brandon and get my head straightened out.

JESS

The tears stream down my face as I watch him walk away. I asked him to do it, but it still hurts to see his strong, broad back getting further away from me without so much as a glance over his shoulder in my direction. I guess he wasn’t as bothered as he made out to be. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit player moves. I practically begged him to take me home, even after the stunt he pulled last week.

I know I did the right thing asking him to leave and not contact me again, because I have a weak spot when it comes to him. Why? I don’t know. Everything about him speaks to me on a molecular level and apparently I lack any self-control around him. I KNOW it’s for the best…so why do I feel like someone just ripped my guts out?

As I walk back to my apartment I soak in the New York atmosphere, letting it wash over me, trying to stop myself from going to my bad place, which I affectionately call ‘the abyss’. I think I’m fighting a losing battle as the darkness creeps over me, the storm of emotional turmoil quieting like the eye of a storm. I am in the center of all the pain, all of the hurt, and an eerie calm washes over me. Everything I’m feeling ceases in an instant; I no longer
feel
anything. Simon becomes a picture in my mind, with no attachments, no fear, and no sadness. This is how I survive the bad in my life; this is how I deal with it.

By the time I reach the lobby of my apartment, I am completely numb, and ready to paint on a smile and my signature Jester charms for Lily. If it wasn’t for her I would have succumbed to the darkness that lies beneath the surface a long time ago.

I'm one of those people that everyone sees and they think I have it all - looks, money, a family that love me and the best friend a girl could ever wish for. All of those things are true, but unbeknown to everyone around me, the other truth in my life is that Gavin broke all of that, and fundamentally changed who I am. Simon is just a symptom of that. He seems like a genuine guy, a bit of a player, but he pulls it off with such swagger that you want him even if it’s just for one night. I was under no illusions that I could change him, and I don't want to, that's what is so confusing about the way tonight played out.

I was so upset seeing that woman, and hearing about the women he slept with since we hooked up. Ridiculous right? I did the same thing with Colin, but I hated every minute of it, and wished it hadn't happened the second it was over. I really am a colossal twat. That much is certain.

Graduation is tomorrow and I should be looking for a job with all the free time I have now, but my main goal over the past two days has been to eat my own body weight in junk food. I
have
managed to spend some time with Lily, which is becoming a rare commodity now that she’s with Brandon. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her, and he’s a cool guy, but I could really use my friend at the moment. Lily has been going for interviews, and making plans, and getting laid…A LOT. Me??? I’m in limbo. I majored in advertising and would like to go into the field, but my motivation is non-existent. I guess I suffer from spoiled rich girl syndrome, along with extreme fucked-up-itis. I just need to get through graduation with a smile on my face and then I can get my drink on with Lil. I need a drama free night so freaking bad.

I make sure everything is ready for the ceremony tomorrow, laying out my dress, shoes and clutch, my chunky jewelry, and my straighteners. I head to bed early with only my dreams for company; the same dream I’ve had every night since Spyder – I relive our interaction…and every night it plays out the same. There is no fight, there is no frustration, there is only the kissing, fondling, caressing and fucking that I so desperately crave. It is glorious and mind-blowing, and every morning I wake up sweating and damp between my thighs; so frustrated I can’t even think straight until I give in and playback the dream with my battery operated boyfriend below the sheets. I tease my sweet spot, imagining it to be the strong, firm, warm hand of Simon Mantovani. It makes me want him 24/7, and it makes me hate him all the more for it.

I have never gotten myself off so much in all my life…if I don’t get over this dream fantasy soon Energizer is going to run out of stock! I might even have spent a little extra time with the showerhead today, just to alleviate the remnants of my frustration before getting dressed and ready to graduate.

Lily and I have an amazing day together. We cheer each other on as we accept our degrees, and I try my best to run interference between her and her family. She was a bit apprehensive about Brandon seeing how they treat her, but I know that it won’t change the way he feels about her. He called me the other day to ask if she had a valid passport, which only means one thing…he’s taking her abroad sometime soon, and you don’t plan trips like that unless you are in love with the person, and he is definitely a total goner when it comes to my bestie. When he steps up and goes all alpha in front of Lily’s mom and sisters, I know she’s in good hands…and really freaking hot hands!!!

I leave them to it and make my way to Paul’s restaurant with my parents. It’s so nice to share today with them, and to feel surrounded by the love and acceptance of my family. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until my daddy gave me a crushing hug and told me how proud he is that I’ve finished college. It feels great to bask in the glow of family and friends.

Paul has decked out the restaurant and spared no expense. There is a massive congratulations banner for me and Lily, with decorations and flowers all over the place. It is definitely more for Lily as it has Brandon written all over it, but I’ll take what I can get. Today has been a perfect day. I have my best friend, my family, my gay husband Paul (we’ve made a pact in case we end up alone at 40). The drinks are flowing, the food will be phenomenal and we’ll be doing some major celebrating later after the oldies go home. Lily found out she got the job that she wanted, she’s going to be travelling with Mr. Moneybags to somewhere awesome in the world I’m sure, and obviously we were already going to celebrate graduation with some dirty dancing. I’m a bit giddy at the prospect of such a fun evening.

I lift my gaze at the sound of the doors to the restaurant opening…SHIT. I see the imposing, delectable figure that is Nate walking in, and realization kicks in…he won’t be here alone. As if I willed him into existence, Simon emerges from the doorway and my heart drops like a stone, through my chest, trickling down my legs and smashing onto the floor with an almighty thud. I can feel the panic rising as our eyes lock; his stunning eyes, broken as he registers what must be a look of horror on my face. I can’t do this. I can’t look into those eyes that have plagued my dreams for days. Self-preservation is all I can handle.

I take my seat at the table while everyone gives them a warm welcome. I give Nate a nod of acknowledgement, and I can feel Simon’s eyes burning into me, begging me to give him a glance, a nod, a smile…anything, but all I can do is stare at the place card with my name on it and pray that he can’t see my heart hammering in my chest.

After trying to distract myself talking to my parents throughout dinner, I can’t help taking a peek when I hear Lily’s sisters laughing in a totally obvious way, and very
loudly
flirting with Nate and Simon. I want to rip their tiny little heads off when I see them shamelessly shoving their chests out and twirling their hair. Are we in junior high again with these lame moves? The waiter comes over to take our drink orders while dessert is being served, and I take the opportunity to order the strongest alcoholic drink I can stomach. I need some more liquid courage if I am going to survive tonight.