Empire's End (17 page)

“What are the chances?”

The man cocked his head at me. “For all we know, they could be here looking for you. Put up to it for some reward by the man we can't account for.”

I shook my head. “Now you're inventing stories.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Why would he risk his own family, leading the Romans to us?”

“Maybe sparing his family is part of his price.”

“Nadav has to return,” I said, “if for no other reason than to gather his wife and children.”

“He's lost face here, man, lost trust. Who's to say what the elders will do with him, to him, what the rest of us will do? Most of us barely escaped
our homes with our lives as it is. How dare he expose us to such danger again?”

“On the other hand,” I said, “we can't hide from the world out here forever, can we? How will the world ever hear the good news that way?”

“They don't want to hear the good news! Look what they did to Jesus. And to Stephen. And the authorities in Jerusalem have flogged the apostles and thrown them in jail, threatened with worse.”

“But Jesus told us to go into all the world and preach the gospel and make disciples, baptizing them in His name.”

The watchmen looked at each other, then at me. “How do you know this?”

I could not tell him that Jesus Himself had told me.

“Is this not just a temporary outpost?” I said. “A place to heal and grow so you can—”

“No! It is a place of refuge! I don't believe God expects us to risk our lives again. This is where He has chosen to protect us.”

“Oh, my brother, don't you want the world to know of Jesus? He is alive! He is risen! He is the Savior! Every day we are here we must be preparing to leave, to take His message—”

“Feel free, Paul! If you have a death wish,
you
go, and go with my blessing.”

The sky was growing lighter and I did not want to delay any longer. The Lord reminded me I would face much worse opposition than this when representing Him to the Gentiles, and He also impressed upon me that my time to leave Yanbu was imminent.

My greatest desire was to reunite with my love, to put behind us the misery that had come between us. I wanted to make Taryn my wife, to have a companion and helpmeet, to adopt her son and make her father my
father-in-law and official counselor in the things of God. It would not be an easy life, I knew that. But imagine the things God could do, Jesus could accomplish, what could be done in the name of the kingdom through us if we were together.

I could hardly wait to get to the place of solitude.

YANBU

T
HE MESSAGE
J
ESUS SHARED
with me that day in the wilderness took less time than my walk to the plateau.

The ministry I am entrusting to you will be birthed soon, not in joy but in pain. Under persecution and tribulation, the mystery hidden from generations I have revealed to My saints, you will make known among the Gentiles. The riches of this mystery are the hope of glory. Warn everyone, teach everyone that you may present them perfect before God only through Me
.

By the deeds of the law no flesh can be justified in God's sight, for the law reveals only the knowledge of sin. As my servant and a steward of the mysteries of God, you are required to be found faithful. You will both hunger and thirst, be poorly clothed, beaten, and homeless. But being reviled, bless; being persecuted, endure; being defamed, preach
.

For My Father's kingdom is not in word but in power. Woe to you if you
do not preach My gospel. For I am entrusting you with a stewardship. Make of yourself a servant to all that you might win more. Become all things to all men that you might by all means save some. Do this for My gospel's sake
.

Those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize. Run in such a way that you may win it. Do it to obtain an imperishable crown. Run with certainty
.

Blessed be God My Father, the Author of mercy, who will comfort you in all your tribulation so you may comfort those in any trouble
.

I had gone to the rock looking for direction, for marching orders, and for solace for my soul in the midst of my own turmoil. Rather I was admonished and reminded that God would reassure me so I could reassure others. It wasn't what I expected, but He always knew better.

Somehow I anticipated coming back to some degree of encouraging news. Might Nadav have returned with a reasonable explanation of his whereabouts? Or could Taryn have realized I had been thrust into an impossible quandary no mortal could have navigated? Perhaps God Himself had visited her and bestowed upon her some supernatural grace to cope with the situation. Or perchance I would happen upon Corydon, so overjoyed to reconnect with me that his very bliss would soften his mother's heart toward me. I even imagined Alastor had become my advocate, my distress and the sincerity of my heart causing him to champion my cause and persuade his daughter I was a worthy suitor.

Alas, I had missed the mark on every count. The camp dwellers were no more hospitable than they had been the day before. I faced the same tight-lipped expressions and sentry stances, no sight of the object of my adoration or the youngster I missed almost as painfully, and not even the welcome of the one man who stood by me.

Nadav was still missing and Anna had donned a veil, apparently to hide a devastated visage. But nothing could cover the redness of her tormented eyes. She confined her children to the limited area in front of her tent and had taken to decorating her dwelling with a bewildering collection of mismatched swatches of colored cloth bearing images of eagles and dragons.

Anna explained she just wanted it to look nice “for Nadav upon his return.”

Maddeningly, Alastor volunteered nothing when I arrived, nor after we had worked together almost all afternoon. Finally I had to ask, and I couldn't hide the anger in my tone. “At least tell me the seal has been broken and there's some evidence she has read my letter.”

“I wish I could,” he said, shrugging. “I haven't seen it since I gave it to her. I don't know where she put it.”

“Or even whether she still has it?”

“That either.”

“And you haven't asked.”

“No, Paul,” he said evenly, as if speaking to Corydon. “I haven't asked and I will not. It is not my concern.”

“Well,
I
can't ask her, Alastor! I am not allowed even to see her. Can you tell me whether she is all right?”

“She's fine.”

“Does she ever leave the tent?”

“She walks with me in the morning.”

“When I am away from the compound. And the boy. How is the boy?”

“He misses you, asks for you.”

“You could have told me that.”

“I just did.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don't want to encourage you unnecessarily, Paul.”

“Why? What does Taryn say when Corydon asks about me?”

“I told you, I'm not going to do this.”

“Just tell me what she says!”

I had pushed him too far, had taken my frustration out on the innocent party. The rabbi shoved his equipment and work pieces aside and stood. “I should start planning our evening meal.”

“Alastor, I'm sorry. Forgive me. It's not your fault. I am at the end of myself.”

He moved toward the tent, then stopped and turned. “The truth is, Taryn usually says nothing. Sometimes she weeps. Sometimes she looks angry. Sometimes she shakes her head and tells Corydon to stop asking. To her credit, she does not say anything bad about you.”

“I suppose that's something to hold onto. Does she think of me at mealtimes? Ask about me?”

Alastor shook his head. “She sends food and tells me how to prepare it. She keeps it simple, knowing I am not the cook she is.”

“You don't need to tell me that.”

“Oh! A dagger to my heart.”

I waved him off and tried to smile. How could a man who heard the voice of God every day and sat on the cusp of a divine appointment find himself so upset by the things of this world?
Forgive me, Lord
, I said silently.

The next three days were indistinguishable from each other, to the point I was convinced that I was losing my sanity. Even my optimism on the way to the wilderness was the same. The brevity of the Lord's message.
The eagerness to get back, knowing, just knowing this was the day things would change for the better. And being wrong.

I began to despair that Taryn would ever budge. I realized I may have actually lost her to my future. I did not understand why. Why would God have allowed this, brought me to her, let me fall so deeply in love with her, envision all the possibilities, only to see my hopes dashed? No one could concoct a test like the King of kings, and if that's what this was, I wanted desperately to prove worthy. But if He determined my success by whether I survived this wretched disappointment as a better man, I was going to be an utter failure.

Then, a glimmer of hope.

My morning in the wilderness seemed to portend I was close to the end of my preparation. The Lord intensified His admonitions as my time with Him grew shorter but more urgent.

In all things commend yourself as a minister of My Father. With patience, in tribulation, distress, in prison, tumult, labor, sleeplessness, and fasting, with purity, knowledge, longsuffering, kindness, by My Holy Spirit, love, the word of truth, the power of God, and the armor of righteousness, you will be both honored and dishonored
.

You are the temple of the living God. Cleanse yourself from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God. Wrong no one, corrupt no one, cheat no one. Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death
.

As you abound in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all diligence, and in love—see that you abound in grace also. For you know that though I was rich, yet for your sake I became poor, that you through My poverty might become rich
.

Though you walk in the flesh, you will not war according to the flesh. The weapons of your warfare are not carnal but mighty in My Father for pulling
down strongholds, casting down everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity
.

Remember that you are not at all inferior to the most eminent apostles. Though you are untrained in speech, you are not untrained in knowledge. Stand ready. Your mission draws nigh
.

That last made me hurry once again back to the camp, only to find it the same laconic, tense, edgy place it had been for nearly a week since I had been found out and since Nadav had absconded with one of the horses. It seemed we were on the verge of something, but no one knew what.

An hour into our afternoon's work on that sweltering day, Alastor broke a long silence. “I have something to tell you that I need you to take calmly.”

I confess I had to feign control, as my pulse immediately thundered and I curled my hands into fists to hide my shaking. “Very well.”

“I have a treat for our evening meal.”

I nearly stopped breathing.

“At the twelfth hour I am to go and fetch Corydon—”

I gasped, and Alastor held up a hand. “And he and I will carry back our meal. We will enjoy his company until it is time for me to walk him back for his bedtime.”

“Oh, Rabbi.”

“Paul, I need not remind you—”

“I promise.”

“You promise what?”

“I won't say anything whatsoever about what is going on between his mother and me. I won't ask about her, won't—”

“No, you won't. If you did and it got back to her that—”

“I know.”

I was like a child myself the rest of the afternoon, working faster than I had in ages. Despite how much I accomplished, the hours dragged on till sundown, and though it had been only several days since we had been together, missing him must have made me think of him as he looked when he was much younger. For when Corydon finally arrived with his grandfather, gingerly carrying a portion of the evening meal, he looked and sounded and acted much older than I remembered him.

Still, he was not yet seven years old, so Corydon remained the delightful child who enjoyed humor and being teased. To his mother's credit, I could tell by the way he begged me to run down to Zuriel and Kaia's tent that she had kept from him the reasons we were apart. Alastor and I traded off changing the subject or inventing reasons that we needed to stay at his grandfather's tent until it was time for him to return and go to bed, and then why I could not accompany him.

In truth I'd rather have spent the evening with Taryn, but I had missed Corydon, and spending a few hours with him warmed me and even gave me hope—though it deepened my longing for her. When they left and I waited alone for Alastor to return, it was all I could do to talk myself out of running over there and insisting on talking to her. My old self would have done just that and forever ruined any hope of restoring the relationship.

While I was able to keep myself from pestering Alastor for news, I'm afraid I did keep him up. Sleep would elude me, I knew. He told me Corydon regaled his mother with a full account of our evening and all the fun he had with me. But the rabbi did not say how Taryn responded, good or bad, nor did he mention whether she had said anything about my letter.

When Alastor finally excused himself, something broke within me. A great sadness came over my spirit, perhaps because the excitement of
the evening was over and, enriching as it had been, nothing had been resolved. Tension hung in the air throughout the camp, and not even I, the man who heard from God every morning, had any notion what lay ahead.

With the heaviness pressing on me, I took a small lamp into my sleeping area. As I removed my mantle and sandals and bent to blow out the flame, God spoke to me.