Embracing Trouble (Trouble Series) (29 page)

She was at a club four blocks away and I wondered if she was having fun. Had she forgotten me and moved on to Tyler? Was she dancing and flirting with someone right now? I knocked back the rest of the whiskey and moved to the bar to order another.

Chapter Fifteen: Answers

Ava

It took me weeks to come across the photo of the envelope again on my phone. I was confused at the time, not knowing what it meant, but as I focused on it closely, I suddenly knew I had to find it.

I searched everywhere—under the bed, in every drawer, under everything that I could move or lift. I finally found it as I pulled his hoodie off my desk and the envelope fell to the floor. It had been inside his folded hoodie the entire time and I knew that meant something. This sealed plain envelope that didn’t have my name on it was from him and I was suddenly afraid to open it.

I sat down on my bed and looked at it for a moment. My fingers were shaking as I slowly started to peel it open, not wanting to rip it. It was all I had left of him. Copied documents were folded inside, and I pulled them out. My heart stopped as I glanced over the first one.

It was a Death Certificate.

My mother’s name was next to the title – Deceased.

A sob escaped me and I covered my mouth. My eyes scanned the rest of the sections: Marriage, Children, Parents. I stopped on Medical.

Cause of Death – Accidental, Suicidal

Place Of Occurrence – Home address

Name of Coroner.

A sob tried to come out, but I choked on it and dropped the papers. My eyes filled up and I didn’t know whether to stay seated or run from the room. She was dead. She was gone forever. She had left me by killing herself.

I picked up the papers again. The second page was a detailed police report, outlining the scene, the time it happened, and my father’s interview. A torrent of tears started their way down my face, and I gulped for air. My father had lied to me. Everyone had lied to me.

The next page was a map of the local cemetery. An area had been highlighted in blue with directions. She had been there for the last five years. I had passed it numerous fucking times, completely unaware. Hard hot pain erupted in my chest and I felt like I was going to pass out.

The last page was a note and I clutched at my aching heart as I realized it was a note from my mother. It had been submitted with the police report.

I could no longer breathe

I am sorry that I failed you both

I will always be filled with a pain that cannot be eased and I am in a place so dark that I cannot see any light

This is the only way

Tell Ava to live her life and be extraordinary

My heart is yours and always will be

xx

I heard a keening cry, and I realized it was coming from me, all the way from the deep recesses of my chest. I slid off the bed onto the floor and held my knees tight against me. I was going to break apart and I needed to hold on for dear life.

I stayed there for hours, not moving. My arms ached from holding my legs so tightly and my neck became stiff, shooting pain down my spine. I welcomed the pain, because the rest of me was numb.

She had been erased from my life. Everything in the house had been removed, like she had been a dirty secret that we didn’t talk about.

I thought back to the time five years ago and how I was shipped off to my auntie’s house for a month, because my father wasn’t coping with my mother’s supposed disappearance. Everyone confirmed to me that she had run away and left us all alone. My father always told me about his discussions with the police at the station. No one else in the family spoke about it, like they were so shocked and upset that talking about it would make it hurt even more. There had been hushed discussions, but I could never hear them. Maybe I was too broken to try. I had lost a mother. I had hoped and prayed each night that she would return to me.

I cried my heart out until my head ached and my eyes felt swollen.

I was fearful of what I would do next. I felt the flames of anger licking at my insides, and I wanted to scream and shout. I wanted to confront my lying father and tell him that I knew the truth. I wanted to know why it was kept a secret from me. I wanted to trash the house and break everything that had been bought after my mother had died. I wanted to throw Sarah’s things out of the window and set fire to them.

I wanted to rip my heart out and stop the aching.

But I didn’t do anything. I just folded the papers up and slipped them back in the envelope, sealing it shut.

I had been lied to all my life. I hadn’t known that my mother was unhappy and that my father hadn’t done anything until it was too late. My entire life had been a lie.

Now
I was undeniably and utterly alone.

* * *

Weeks went past.

I went to parties.

I drank a lot of alcohol.

I smoked weed when it was offered, and I no longer cared about anything.

Tyler stuck around and I had no idea why, but he was usually the one who made sure I got home safely each time.

I would never be the same.

Sophie tried her hardest to make me focus on our exams, but I no longer cared about university or my future. I just wanted to escape reality and be numb.

They all blamed Zac, and I let them, because I didn’t want them to know the truth about my mother. I kept it all inside, where it silently gnawed away at my self-preservation.

I hated Zac for finding my mother, but I loved him for it as well. I had five years to soften the blow of my mother’s death while Zac had left me raw and extremely hurt. Each day I found it more and more difficult to breathe, because I needed him now more than ever.

I didn’t hear from any of them, except for Janey who had sent a text message to me late one night.

Janey:
Miss you xx

I replied –
Miss you too x

The self-defense class had texted me a reminder of the class times, and I decided to keep going even if Janey had dropped out. I learned how to defend myself, but I also used the training to release my pent-up anger. I still felt alone but I was now capable of kicking someone’s ass and escaping them if I needed to.

I made myself go to the cemetery. My mother had a small plaque in the grass, and I dropped to my knees in front of it and cried. I wanted answers from her. I wanted to know what had made her so unhappy that the only way was to end it. I wanted to tell her that I was nowhere near to being extraordinary. I was just a girl who was totally empty and sad.

Our Graduation Ball was set and Tyler asked me to go. I refused until Sophie pleaded for me to go, to share some fun with our high school friends before it all changed and we all went our separate ways.

I bought a dress with Sophie, not really interested in the cut or the designer name. I bought designer heels and I had my hair curled. I was numb throughout the entire process.

Tyler had booked a suite in the same hotel as the ball and a group of us had drinks before we went down and had fun with the rest of the Year level. The look on Tyler’s face when he saw me in my dress had his eyes dancing with lust and absolute appreciation. Any other girl would have felt beautiful, but I felt nothing. I only wanted one pair of eyes that looked at me like that and they didn’t belong to Tyler.

It had now been two months.

Two months of feeling hollow. According to Tyler, I should have been starting to get over Zac by now, and I knew he had been waiting patiently, but I didn’t want him. I felt the same pain every day and it never let up. There was only one person who could take that pain away.

I headed over to the window of the hotel room and looked out at the night.

“You look so beautiful tonight,” he said into my ear behind me.

I continued to stare out, seeing our reflection in the window. In another time and place, we could have looked good together. My hair and dark makeup didn’t really fit with his style, but we still looked like we could belong to each other. I just didn’t want to be that girl.

I still yearned for my dark knight, the only one who could heat my body through with one knowing glance. He was the only one for me, but he was no longer mine. He never really had been.

I was so tired of feeling empty, so fed up with the pain that maybe I needed to move on with Tyler and award him for his patience. It was the biggest social cliché on prom night, but maybe I needed to get Zac out of my system by replacing him. Maybe it would help me sleep through the nights again, because that’s where he seemed to torture me the most. If it wasn’t a nightmare about my mother, every other dream was of him, and I hadn’t slept soundly for weeks.

Pressure pounded in my skull and I felt desperately crazy as I turned my head to look up at him. He saw the change in me and his hands went around my waist, his body against mine. I heard the party continue behind us as I leaned up and kissed him. His hands tightened around my waist as he furthered the kiss. His tongue met mine and I tasted him as my hand made its way up behind his neck. I touched his hair, ran my fingers through it and moved my body against him. I could feel he was aroused against my bottom and I felt a fleeting moment of power.

There were cheers and laughter and our kiss broke apart. Tyler looked into my eyes, his own full of desire and he smiled in victory. He had finally got what he wanted.

“Go Tyler!” said someone as others laughed and continued to drink.

I didn’t say anything to him but awarded him with a small seductive smile, as I moved over to the drinks table. I poured myself a double shot of whiskey and gulped it down. I would try to move on tonight and see what happened. I didn’t know if my gaping, darkened heart would ever close up.

It wasn’t long before we were all in the ballroom downstairs, joining the the rest of our class friends. I danced that night and pretended to have fun with everyone, but I couldn’t help but feel a little hatred towards them all. I would never forget their treatment of me after the Antony fiasco, and I loathed their silly happiness. The reception room was beautiful and the food was nice, but I was just in a very bad place.

Tyler’s friend, Sam, who seemed to be getting pretty close with Sophie through the night, flashed a joint.

“Anyone interested?”

“I am,” I said instantly, following Sam out of the reception room.

I was soon dragging on his joint and sharing the night air with him.

Sam took a photo of us with our heads together, the joint hanging from his lips, while I pouted seductively into the camera, doing the devil sign with my hand.

When he posted it to Facebook and tagged me, I hoped that Zac saw it. I turned and saw a group walk past us and they looked like they were going to see a band. I watched them for a moment, wishing I was on my way to see a band too, instead of the farce of the ball.

Would Zac be there tonight watching the same band? Would he be drinking with Will and Noah and picking up a girl? Would he take her home to have his wicked way with her? Pain thumped me in the chest.

I dragged on his joint again, enjoying the hot smoke in my lungs. I felt it take the tension away as it seeped into my limbs and made me tingle and relax.

I noticed another group walk by, obviously heading to watch the same band, and then I realized that one of the people looked familiar.

He looked at me, paused, and then smirked. Max.

“Beautiful Ava,” he said breaking away from the group.

I knew I needed to stay away from him, but I wanted to touch a part of Zac’s life again.

“Hey,” I said narrowing my eyes, hating the fact he was using my nickname that only the guys and Janey used.

“You’re looking hot,” he said glancing at me up and down.

“Who’s that?” asked Sam.

He sauntered over to me, his smirk still in place.

“So what’s going on tonight?” he asked taking a drag of his cigarette.

“Graduation Ball,” I replied feeling a form of adrenaline rush through me.

This guy was forbidden and I suddenly wanted him to go back to Zac and tell him just how good I was doing without him.

“Congrats on graduating. Is this the new boyfriend?”

I glanced at Sam, trying not to laugh, and said, “No.”

“So, no more Zac then,” he stated, eyeing me closely.

His eyes were glassy, like he was on something. When he looked me up and down again, it made my skin crawl.

“No more Zac,” I answered.

“Maybe we could meet up somewhere one night, and see what happens,” he said next.

I didn’t answer him, because I truly wanted nothing to do with him.

“He’s moved on, you know,” he said, watching my reaction. “A different girl every night. You’re all forgotten.”

I swallowed a lump of emotion and tried not to choke on it. “I’m sure I am,” I said, trying to look calm and controlled.

“Come with me now. We’re on our way to a club. Leave your little high school gathering,” he offered with wickedness in his eyes.

I blinked tears away, hating to hear that I was forgotten and shook my head.

“I better not.”

He gave me a smug smile.

“Next time, maybe.”

“See you, Max,” I muttered, turning away into Tyler who had appeared behind me.

“Who was that?” he asked, watching Max walk away.

“No one,” I muttered, feeling two months of anguish and hurt sit heavily on my chest.

He was moving on with a different girl every night and I felt like screaming.

Tyler led me back inside and we headed towards the ballroom before I stopped suddenly. I swallowed hard.

“Let’s go back up to the suite,” I whispered desperately.