Edie Amelia and the Runcible River Fever (3 page)

‘Here boy, sit!' said Edie, giving him a hug. Mister Pants coughed then sneezed three times, and Edie snuffled in reply. She believed that he and she shared a secret form of communication, a theory that her father dismissed rather unkindly as being unscientific. Cheesy rolled her eyes. She was similarly sceptical.

‘Speaking of canines,' said Cheesy, ‘I suppose you know Runcible River Fever is spreading very rapidly? They say the first symptoms are a cough and a sneeze, then memory loss, a rash, a heightened sense
of smell, personality changes, including lawbreaking, superhuman strength in some cases, and, finally, falling over and not being able to get back up.'

‘I know,' said Edie, pointing to Trudy Truelove's article. ‘And there's even a reward for anyone who can catch the—'

As she was speaking, Edie started to experience a choking feeling, followed by a coughing fit that seemed to rise up from her toes and shake every part of her body from her ankles to her armpits. She fell to her knees.

‘Cheesy. Help!' she gasped.

‘M
rs Sparks! Come quickly!' shouted Cheesy. She scrambled up the slope towards the kitchen.

‘What on earth is the matter?' said Cinnamon.

‘It's Edie. She has the Runcible River Fever!' said Cheesy. ‘The Fever, I tell you! Symptom 1!'

Cinnamon Sparks emerged from the kitchen. Black seaweed had got caught in her hair and she was still clutching a tea towel as she started running down the hill at top speed. Both Cinnamon and Cheesy were surprised to see Edie walking calmly up the hill towards them, Mister Pants at her heels.

‘Where did you go?' Edie asked.

‘Aha! Memory loss!' cried Cheesy, pointing at her and jumping up and down. ‘Symptom 3!'

‘Honestly, Cheesy, I'm fine,' said Edie.

‘I think maybe I got a little bit of salted caramel stuck in my throat.' She blushed as her mother shook her head.

‘I'm so sorry, Sparks,' said Cheesy. ‘I should have warned you that salted caramels present a choking hazard.'

‘You know you're not to eat refined sugars, madam,' said Cinnamon. ‘Now, I'd better get back to my non–genetically modified seaweed stew. It could save lives, you know.'

The two girls watched her leave.

‘Cheesy, this Fever business is driving
everyone
bonkers. The sooner someone finds that blinking Fever Dog
and
a cure the better.'

‘Language,' said Cheesy.

‘We should catch it ourselves,' said Edie.

Cheesy looked horrified. ‘Catch the Fever?'

‘No, Cheesy, the dog.'

‘Trap a dangerous, diseased animal? Are you out of your mind?'

‘Sorry, I didn't realise you were so keen to go back to gloomy Glasgow.'

‘You have a point,' said Cheesy.

Edie pulled her notebook out of her satchel and began scribbling.

‘What we need to do is find and capture this dog. In doing so, we will put an end to the panic, convince your parents that it's safe to stay in Runcible and, as a bonus, collect our reward.'

Even Cheesy had to agree that this plan, though dangerous, would solve some rather large problems.

‘Let's think like a hunted dog,' said Edie. She had read about this technique in her detective manual.

‘It'd probably be hungry,' said Cheesy. ‘Like all canines, it would respond to the promise of a treat.'

‘And what would it want to eat most of all, according to the
Bugle
?'

‘Schoolteachers?' said Cheesy.

‘No, Cheesy. Think again. A little clue can be found in the crumbs on your kilt.'

‘Flan?' she said.

‘Exactly,' said Edie. ‘Flan. And I know just how we can get one.'

Mister Pants gave a low rumble and the three headed up towards the house where they tracked down Cinnamon, who was now working on her new cookbook.

‘Excuse me, Mum, Cheesy's—er, Charisma's dad's a bit down in the dumps and needs cheering up. You remember how his balloon got wrecked in Chinatown?'

‘Mm-hmm,' said Cinnamon distractedly.

‘Well . . . could you please make another flan for him? Perhaps throw a bit of organic meat into it as well? By the way, I like your hairstyle, Mum. Seaweed suits you.' As Edie knew, flattery was always useful when it came to securing the help of grown-ups.

‘Now, sweetheart, I have a lot on my plate. There's the deadline for my brand-new cookbook, besides which I've promised to send the
Bugle
some immune-boosting recipes that will prevent the spread of Runcible River Fever. But . . .' She paused, pulling at the strand of seaweed and looking fondly at her only child.

‘Mum?'

‘Well, I was about to say, if Charisma's
dad needs cheering up, then I'm happy to help.' She patted Edie's hand and returned to the kitchen humming an aria (which is a rather lovely high-pitched piece of music).

‘Thanks, Mum,' said Edie.

Edie beckoned to Cheesy to follow her up the spiral staircase to her room. ‘Let's brainstorm while the flan's baking,' said Edie.

As they went up the girls had a bird'seye view of the chaos below them. As usual, the kitchen and living room were strewn with a jumble of pots, pans, measuring jugs, cooking ingredients, spanners, test tubes, scientific doodlings and notepaper.

Mister Pants looked wistfully after them and at the miniature harness dangling from a rope above the stairs. This contraption was another of Edie's dad's incomplete inventions. When finished, it would be a dumb-waiter doggy-lifter, by means of which Mister could be transported up to Edie's room without falling down the spiral staircase (which he had done several times already).

The doggy-lifter was just one of the half-finished inventions littering the house, along with an eco-friendly mouse trap (complete with a tiny aerated organic cotton sack that would serve as a comfortable detention centre for the trapped mouse, who would later be processed then liberated unharmed), the wild-weather horn (which would alert the town to danger in the case of freak storms) and the shoe enlarger, which had a tendency to singe and burn footwear, so it was definitely still a work in progress. The French bulldog–sized brown leather pouch that would one day enclose Mister's body hung empty, secured by various brightly coloured ropes that were attached with mountaineering hooks to a large metal pulley hanging from the ceiling, and the contraption, if ever completed, would be set in motion by a small bone-shaped lever.

Although the rest of Edie's house was a mess, she herself kept a neat and organised room. The pinboard above her desk displayed a blueprint for the dumb-waiter doggy-lifter, a certificate for neatness
from Runcible Public School, photos of Mister and some rough sketches of clothes she had done for her mother as a polite hint that she would prefer not to be given any more maxi dresses made from curtains. Edie kept all her paperclips and stationery in the desk drawers and there was a special place reserved for her detective kit and monkey shoes in a box under the bed.

‘Right, here's what I think we should do,' said Edie with an air of authority. ‘Let's call it the Flan Plan. We'll say we need to deliver the flan Mum's making to your dad. Bingo, we have bait for the Fever Dog. Now, what do dog-catchers use to capture their prey?'

‘Enormous butterfly nets?' said Cheesy.

‘Hmm. Where would we find one of those, I wonder?'

‘As it happens, I have one,' said Cheesy. ‘Auntie Bee sent it over from Scotland last Christmas.'

‘Excellent,' said Edie. ‘Size?'

‘Huge. Believe me, it's big enough to scoop up a wolfhound.'

‘Let's go over to your house and collect it. Then we'll need to take the flan and the net to where the Fever Dog was last sighted, which was approximately . . .' Edie went over to her desk, fished out a map of Runcible and spread it on the desktop. ‘Here!' she said, circling a spot on the river bank with a red pencil. Both girls paused to survey the map.

‘The Flan Plan . . .' said Cheesy, sounding uncertain.

Edie picked up her detective kit and went to the window. She tried to focus her binoculars on the distant river bank, and in doing so was surprised to spot Hogmanay Chompster at the house next door.

‘Cheesy, quick, over here,' said Edie.

‘What's the hurry?' said Cheesy. She had settled herself in a corduroy beanbag with her packet of salted caramels and Edie's
Jolly Junipers
fanzine (a junior comic for budding vegetarians featuring the adventures of String-Bean Sue).

‘Since when did your dad become friends with the Blank Marauder?' said Edie.

‘What?'

Cheesy joined Edie at the window and grabbed the binoculars. Hogmanay Chompster was standing just inside the Marauder's back gate, looking furtively about him (which is just a fancy way of saying that he seemed anxious not to be noticed). He was, however, wearing his orange pleather jumpsuit, which made him an easy surveillance target.

‘Look, Edie, the Blank Marauder is coming!' whispered Cheesy.