Edge of Chaos (Love on the Edge #1) (9 page)

He was silent for a few moments before he nodded. “Next time text me if you’re going to stay on campus on your breaks, okay? I go crazy when I don’t know where you are.”

I forced a smile, wondering why his words irked me more today than normal. He’d said the same things to me since I started school and I’d never questioned it. He’d always wanted me to check in once I got home or went to work, that wasn’t a big deal. But now that I had to hide my newly-formed friendships from him, I wondered how much his need to know where I was constantly was out of love or out of the need to control every facet of my life.

The smell of fresh paper and hot coffee wafted over me as we walked deeper into the store, the scents grounding me in the present. I shook my head, tossing the thoughts off as the over-analyzer I was.

“Pick out a couple. Any you want, I’m buying,” Justin said and released my hand. His tone was even and he smiled, helping to shove my earlier concerns and irritation down.

“Thank you.” I turned down an aisle, gazing at the variety of beautifully covered books.

His gesture made a flood of memories rush through me, like the tide of the ocean that had drawn so far away from my toes in the sand I thought it’d never come back.

Memories of when we were younger—our walks around the neighborhood that seemed endless and yet always ended too soon. Where we would let the moon and lampposts guide us as we walked and talked, discovering each other.

The special expanse of black walnut trees where he’d told me about his mom abandoning him, how he’d never known his real father, and how his aunt and uncle treated him like an inconvenience. I’d held his hand for the first time that day and told him about the screaming matches between my mom and dad, how Dad constantly had to buy new dishes or appliances because he’d break them during a fight, and how the arguments were increasing in frequency. He’d rushed to meet me in that spot, no matter the time, whenever I’d called him, frantic after another fight between my parents.

The phone calls that carried on late in the night—well beyond the warnings from Mom to end the conversation for bedtime—after his aunt and uncle had moved him across town.

The Justin I remembered brought a warmth to my heart and a longing for him to be that compassionate again. He’d lost the sweetness somewhere between high school and now. The blowups started his sophomore year, the same year he’d been kicked out of his home and had to fend for himself.

Now, as he followed me down the adult paranormal section, that sweet side of Justin didn’t seem as far away. I’d often hoped one day I’d be able to help draw out a balance in him, one where the boy I fell in love with would merge with the man he could be if he allowed his motivations to go beyond that of Xbox points and most beer cans collected. As he trailed behind me, I thought perhaps this was a small step toward that balance. Maybe he wouldn’t care if I told him about Dash and the guys, maybe he’d actually want to meet them.

“I know you’ll be a while, so I’m going to look around. Come find me when you’re done,” he said, cutting through my thoughts.

“All right,” I answered, watching him turn and walk away.

I lost myself then, amongst the books and memories of Justin. Like the times he’d show up outside my high school after classes had ended, a new DVD and a sack full of glorious junk food in his truck, and nothing but time to watch it and laugh and simply be together. If I’d known then that those moments would disappear over the years, I may have treasured them a bit more.

I finally settled on a couple of novels, clutching them to my chest as I took a slow stroll through the store, scanning the aisles for Justin. First the Blue October tickets and now this. My chest tightened a fraction, and ice settled in my stomach with the thought of the reward he’d expect when we arrived home.

I pushed the thought away, allowing his sweet spontaneity to take over, and contemplated sashaying through the erotica novels. Perhaps a quick skim of one and I could find the answer to our problem—or my problem as he’d so often put it.

A vibration in my pocket distracted me and I pulled my cell phone out.

Want to grab a late lunch?
Dash texted.

A warmth bloomed inside my chest. This was my chance. Justin was in a great mood, and it would be the perfect time to introduce them—put an end to hiding my new friends.

I searched harder for Justin. The thought of the two meeting made me a little anxious. I wanted them to like each other, but they were polar opposites.

When I didn’t lock on to his tall frame anywhere in the store, I deflated. I know I’d taken a little over a half an hour in the overwhelming obstacle of choosing just two books, but I thought that was pretty reasonable.

After two unanswered calls to his cell—guess it was perfectly fine for
him
to ignore
my
calls—and twenty minutes of waiting, I gave up and bought the books myself. I grabbed my bag with the novels nestled inside and headed toward the exit leading into the main area of the mall. I had an easy guess where he was.

A short walk and two turns later, I entered the video game store. Huge neon signs reading
One Day Only, 60% Off Store Wide
bombarded the glass windows at the entrance, hung on the walls, and stood on stands throughout the aisles. The store was packed, too, people crowding the rows of games separated into which console they went with, and a line snaked out the exit.

I spotted Justin in the 360 section, four games tucked under one arm as he scanned another with his free hand.

“Justin,” I said, weaving through five boys just to get to him.

He glanced up from the game he held. “Some sale, huh?”

“You knew about it.” It wasn’t a question or an accusation, just a fact.

He shrugged. “I may have heard about it last week.”

I sighed, eyeing the games in his hands. “Don’t you already have that one?” I pointed to the one I recognized under his arm.

“Yeah, but this is a special edition. You get four exclusive maps with it.” He grabbed it and showed it to me.

My stomach tied into knots. I glared at the games, sizing up my competition. Sadness slithered through my blood when I realized how many times they’d beaten me.

“You found some books?” Justin asked, glancing at the bag in my hand.

“Yeah,” I said, holding the bag up and shrugging.

“I’ll get the next ones for you, okay?” he said and went back to browsing the games on the shelf.

I pressed my lips together and nodded.

“Actually, I’m going to need to borrow some money.” He gave me puppy eyes, but he looked more desperate than charming.

I gripped the bag I held a little tighter. “How much?”

Justin eyed the games in his hands, then looked over the endless array before him. “A couple hundred should do it.”

My mouth dropped and I scoffed. “You’re joking!”

“This is a once-a-year sale, Blake.”

“Why didn’t you save up for it then?” I asked. An image of the new stereo he’d bought for his truck last week popped into my mind. Followed by a visual of the subwoofer he had on hold to go with it.

“Oh, come on, it’s not like you ever buy anything with your paychecks,” he whined.

He knew most of the money I earned went to rent, books, and food. Whatever I had left I saved, other than treating myself to the occasional book or movie.

“I know you’ve got plenty in your savings. I’ll pay you back,” he urged.

He had yet to pay me back for the money he’d borrowed last year for a new set of fishing poles. I sighed. The money wasn’t what really bothered me.

“This is why you brought me here today, isn’t it?” Anger simmered in my gut, setting the tight knots on fire.

“What is the big fucking deal, Blake? This way we both get what we want.”

What I really wanted was time with him that didn’t come with conditions or arguments or lectures on where and how I spent my time. I swallowed the lump in my throat. His actions today had nothing to do with me. God, I was stupid sometimes.

“Not this time, Justin.”

“Why the fuck not?”

I glanced down. “If you have to ask, then it’s not even worth explaining.”

“I had to sell my watch for you!” he snapped.

I flinched, as if he’d physically stunned me. “What? You sold it to get your truck back.”

“But I wouldn’t have had to do that if I hadn’t just bought you those Blue October tickets.”

My heart sank. I stood there, floundering in my own guilt for a few moments, contemplating pulling out all the extra cash I had and shoving it into his hands. Then I saw the games he held and the guilt turned to a burning anger. “No. I don’t buy that, Justin. You could’ve easily sold your collection of video games and Xbox to get your truck back. Hell, you could’ve sold that big-ass TV, too, or even asked me then to borrow money. But you didn’t.
You
made the choice, so don’t you dare put something like that on me.”

His eyes popped before narrowing. I saw the shock. It’d been too long since I’d called him on his bullshit. He stomped off without saying a word to contradict me.

Normally I would’ve followed him and given him the money just to avoid the fight, and being left behind without a ride—which he’d done to me twice in the past.

Not today. I grabbed my cell phone again.

Can you pick me up at the bookstore in the mall?
I shot Dash another text, my fingers shaking with adrenaline. Justin blew up all the time, but today it struck a new chord, like a tap to a freshly exposed nerve.

Of course. I know a great Mexican place a block away from there. See you in ten.

An hour and a half later, I set my napkin on my half-cleaned plate and leaned back in food defeat.

Dash sat across from me and shoveled another chip with a heaping pile of salsa on it into his mouth. The restaurant smelled of peppers and fried chips, and the food, of course, had been delicious.

“Did he say anything when you left?” Dash asked after taking a gulp of iced tea.

“I didn’t wait around to hear it this time,” I said, still shocked I’d walked away from Justin in the video game store. I’d told him I found another ride home and just . . . left. Never, in our entire relationship, had I had the nerve to do that. I glanced across the table at Dash, knowing our friendship contributed to my new boldness.

“Good job. That was a jerk move, even by guy standards.”

“Thank you.” I sighed, the relief of being understood was so intense it was almost unnerving. I hadn’t been able to unload my fights with Justin on anyone before—Mom, the only other person I really talked to, didn’t care for him and would never hear me out.

“Does he do that a lot?”

“What? Act like he’s doing something for me and then I realize it’s really about him? Or ask me for money?” I fiddled with the sugar packets on the table.

“Both.”

I brought my gaze back to him.

He leaned back in his seat and shook his head. “Can’t help you there. Lindsay has got more money than she knows what to do with.”

“It’s all right. You help just by listening. Sorry I talk your ear off all the time,” I said. How much personal history
had
we covered in the past week? Nearly all of it, I realized. Talking to Dash was just so easy. He listened and actually tuned in, like no one else existed outside of our conversation. A stab of jealousy hit me, thinking this is how he must treat Lindsay all the time.

“I enjoy it. Honestly, who else could keep up with me about storms and Blue October? And that’s not even mentioning our similar taste in movies.”

“You’ve got a point,” I said. Yesterday we’d had an hour-long conversation about why The Departed deserved to be in the top ten best movies of all time list. And then a thought that hadn’t occurred to me popped into my head. “Do you talk to Lindsay about us?”

His eyes widened.

“That came out wrong.” My cheeks flushed. “I meant, does she get upset about the time you spend with me?” I rubbed my hands together underneath the table, wondering if he had to hide our friendship as well.

“No. We’re friends and we have nearly the same career plans; of course we’re going to spend time together.” Dash nodded at the waitress at the table across from us.

“Oh.”

“Does he give you a hard time about it?”

I broke our gaze, staring down at the table. “I haven’t told him.”

He stayed silent so long I finally glanced up. Damn it, he looked at me with pity in his eyes. I never wanted to see that from him. “I’ve gathered, from the stories you’ve told, and what little I heard from him that first day I hid in your room, that he is the kind of man who wouldn’t approve of us getting close. Regardless of us just being friends?”

“It’d be a battle, and I’m so tired of fighting. Do you think I’m an awful person for hiding this? Is it . . . crazy?” The more I thought about it the more it felt like I was having an affair minus the whole sex part.

“You’re an amazing person, Blake. Never think otherwise. You know him better than anyone. And if you need me to pop the brakes I can—”

“No.” I cut him off, hoping he didn’t hear the desperation in my voice. My happiness had increased tenfold since he’d come into my life. “This is all on me. It would be fine. I’m just not ready to have that argument yet.”