Eden (22 page)

Chapter 21: An
Inventory of Nuts

Counting nuts with Jack is therapeutic.  I have him counting
backwards, now.  Fifty-three, fifty-two, fifty-one.... We pass all different
sorts and sizes of nuts back and forth in the flickering lamplight, on our
who-knows-what round when Apollon finally shows up.  As impatient as I've been
for him to arrive, I'm a little disappointed at the termination of our mindless
chanting.  Apollon's presence signals the return of thinking, verbalizing
thoughts... which means I have to make sense of
something
enough to
utter.

"Where've you been?" I manage, seizing the
mundane.

"With Coder," he says, joining us, cross-legged on
the tent floor.

Jack passes him a coconut and says "Fifty."

"Fifty-one," Apollon replies automatically,
holding it out to me.

I shove it back at him and correct, "Forty-nine,"
with raised eyebrows.  "With Coder?  Really?  Not you, too."

He shakes his head.  "Forty-nine."

I accept the coconut, realizing that our counting has turned
into something more like hot potato.  I hope Jack doesn't notice as I pass the
coconut to him and say, "Forty-eight."

"Forty-seven," Jack says, and the coconut begins
another round.

Apollon holds onto it for a moment, turning it in his
hands.  "I wasn't sure about trusting him, but Celine assured me I
could."

I accept the coconut in one hand and pass it immediately to
Jack.  "Celine, pff.  Forty-five.  You forgot to count, dumbass."

"I'm really not sure what our objective is in
counting."

I give him a look.  "Our objective?"

Apollon shrugs.  "In the past, it's been like an
inventory of nuts.  This... we're just passing the same coconut and counting
backwards.  What's the point of that?"

"Uh... entertainment?"

Now he gives
me
a look.

"It calms Eden," Jack mutters in one of his rare
verbal communications.  "It calms Eden."

I turn my face to Jack, my mouth open.  I blink and close my
mouth.  He's right.

He pats me on the knee, lightly, awkwardly, then passes the
coconut to Apollon.  "Forty-four."

Apollon considers me and sighs.  "Forty-three."

This time, I turn the coconut over in my hands, just the
tips of my fingers pressed against its hairy surface.  "Why were you with
Coder, then?"

He reaches into a pocket and pulls out a familiar
object—white plastic and glass.  An ancient thing I found in some ruins along
the river.  I’m not sure what it is, but its very existence seemed to disturb
Apollon deeply.  "He wanted to keep it."

I make a noise in my throat.

"Run some tests on it and all..."  Apollon
shrugs.  "His reaction was enough for me."

I pass the coconut to Jack.  "Forty-two.  So I suppose
he was all freaked out about it like you were."

"I wasn't freaked out about it."

We do the eyebrow dance.

A grin tugs at the corners of Apollon's mouth and he has to
look away to avoid losing his seriousness.  "I don't think Coder's exactly
the freak-out type.  Maybe a little high-strung.  In a good way, though."

"Forty-one," says Jack.

"He did freak out," Apollon admits.  "But not
like you think.  It was more like a group of girls seeing Jonas coming down the
street."

He must expect me to laugh, because his look turns
thoughtful when I don't.

I grab the coconut from him.  "Forty.  Try and keep up,
will you?"  I give it to Jack.  "Thirty-nine."

Apollon grabs it from Jack and thrusts it toward me. 
"Thirty-eight.  Thirty-seven."

I have "thirty-six" halfway out when he says,
"So, how are you guys doing?"

I consider avoidance, but there's not much use.  Delay is
probably the best I'll manage.  I focus on the coconut, but Jack is holding
it.  He raises his eyebrows at me expectantly.

I perform a deep, closed-eye, little-head-shake sigh, then
look at my friends.  "I'll give you five guesses."

Apollon blinks at me sweetly.  "Madly in love?"

"Smartass.  Four."

"Confused," Jack says, nodding, much sympathy in
his voice.

For a moment, I've lost my words.  I glance at Apollon. 
"Does that count?"

"It sounds about right to me."

I sigh again.  My squirrely friend is quite perceptive.

"Jonas
is
very
confusing
."  I give
Apollon a meaningful look.

He shrugs, rocking back.  "Jonas isn't all that
complicated, once you understand him.  It's
you
that's confusing."

"What're you saying?"

He holds up his hands like a shield, laughing.  "Jonas
is just Jonas.  Yeah, there's the angst and the haunted-by-his-past bit, issues
to work through—we've all got them. 
You're
the one with the different
bits of your brain duking it out for control.  It's what's inside you that's
confusing you."

I deflate, my fingers gripping my ankles.  "I know.... 
That's why I keep thinking if I could just find Lily's stupid book...."

"I know...."  Apollon stares at the little space
of ground in the middle of our circle.

After a moment, I look at him.  "You really think Jonas
isn't that complicated?"

He shrugs again.  "He isn't to me."

"Then how do you think he feels about me?"

His eyebrows raise as he looks at me.  Finally, he says,
"That's not the fairest question."

"Nope.  Answer it anyway."

He considers the floor, and for a moment I think he's going
to launch into a long explanation about confusion and guilt and loyalty—all the
things I already know and understand.  But he says, "I think he's waiting
for you."  That's it.  That's all.

"What?  Waiting for me?  What do you mean?"

He shakes his head.

I climb to my feet and kick at the nearest thing—an empty
crate.  "He's waiting to get into my head," I say.  "
That's
what he wants."  I tap my skull with one finger.

Apollon's shaking his head, mouth open.  He doesn't have to
speak to quiet me.  His look of concern has already taken the bite out of my
anger.  My shoulders slump.

"I don't think I can give him this," I whisper,
collapsing onto the crate, hands dangling off my knees, eyes staring at
nothing.  "I have to go after Oscar.  I'm going to need my brain for
that.  I can't wait."

Apollon is on his feet, moving toward the tent opening,
leaning to glance outside.  He walks back and squats at my side, scooping up my
hand.  "OK," he says, his voice pitched low enough to avoid any
listeners.  "But you can't be saying that."  He glances toward the
tent door, then runs his hand over the top of my head.  "Your noggin's in
enough jeopardy as it is."

I glance at him and we share a quiet laugh.

"Gotta get out of the box," Jack murmurs
conspiratorially.

What?  Are we plotting escape plans?  From the place we've
been trying to get to all along?  "No."  It's a knee-jerk reaction,
but my voice is solid, full of certainty.  "We're not going anywhere until
I've found that book." 
Why?
  Part of me protests—insists that
Oscar is out there waiting.  That he could be in danger this very second.  But
part of me is glued here.  Glued to Jonas.  Or to Jason.  Lily's voice whispers
in my heart.  Pleads. 
Just find it.  Just find it.
  Is it so much? 
Can't I just grant her dying wish?  But then, she's not dead, is she?

I sigh heavily and push to my feet.  "Look, you guys are
right.  I'm definitely confused.  There's just too much stuff to think about. 
We haven't even touched on half of it."  I drum my fingers on my leg, sigh
again.  I meet Apollon's blue eyes.  "We're going to find Oscar.  We are. 
But Jonas should be with us when we do.  We're family."

Apollon nods his agreement as I leave.

I walk home through the darkness, my mind drifting.  I dwell
on Jonas' promise:
Once we've done that, I'll go anywhere you want. 
Anywhere in the world.  You decide. 
He meant it.  I'm sure he did.  And
that knowledge is a bursting thrill of emotion inside my heart.  But there are
conditions. 
Once we've done that.
  If I want the prize, I have to pay
for it.  I have to give him the chip in my head.  Am I willing to do that?  Can
I live with the consequences?  Even if I am, even if I can... do I have time?

Find it.  Find it.  Find it
.  Lily's voice echoes
inside me to the sound of my footsteps.

***

I hesitate at the bottom of the stairs to our apartment,
looking up the long stretch, swallowing.  My guards have fallen behind outside,
taking up their posts, but nonetheless, I feel surrounded.  There are voices
coming from Spec's apartment—familiar ones.

I turn the knob and throw open the door, figuring that if
they don't have to knock, then neither do I.  But I stand there on the
threshold, looking in.  Something keeps me from moving forward.

Spec and Kobee walk round, frowning, peering at me.

"What's up, Lily?" Kobee asks.

"Uh...."  Why have I lost my brain?  I blink
heavily, then focus on him and say, "You tell me.  My guards don't listen
to me, and they don't listen to Jason.  Why not?"

Spec and Kobee exchange glances.

"Well?"

"Come in here," Kobee says, gesturing to me to
come sit down.

I shake my head, my feet planted.  "Just answer
me."

Again, they look at each other.

A growl works its way up my throat.  "Fine," I
say.  "You're going to tell them to go away.  Right now."  I jerk my
hand over my shoulder, then step out of the way.

The two of them file out of the apartment and quietly lead
me outside.

Spec looks back at me.  "Are you sure you want this? 
They're here to—"

"Do it."

He doesn't protest, but there's something doubtful in his
expression as we all step through the door onto the terrace.

Kobee is matter-of-fact, hands on hips as his look
encompasses the guards.  "You're relieved of your duty," he says to
them.  I like it.  Simple.  No way to misinterpret that.

But none of them move.

I give Kobee an incredulous look.  "Say it like you
mean it."

His eyebrows go up, mouth open.  He looks from me to the
guards.  "Hey dumbass," he says to one of them.  "Do I mean
it?"

The guard in question nods once.  "Yes, sir."  But
none of them move.

Kobee's brow furrows.  "Hmm."

I push Spec in the shoulder.  "You do it, then."

He looks like he's about to protest, but he doesn't.  He
focuses on the guards, the moonlight gleaming off his almost-white hair. 
"Go," he says.  "All of you.  Get the hell out of here."

And none of them move.

I open my mouth to complain, but I know my voice will come
out in a high-pitched whine.  I look from Spec to Kobee, and back at Spec. 
Everything is swelling up inside me, pressing into tears behind my eyes.  Why
is this so difficult?

Spec gives Kobee a look, jerks his head, and Kobee leaves. 
Spec grabs my arm and hauls me back inside the building.  With the door shut
behind us, we stand facing each other in the stairwell.

"What's going on?" I manage in a whisper, but I'm
sure some of the emotion carries through.  Some of the frustration.

He drops his hand from my arm.  "It's nothing to worry
about," he soothes.  "The guards are annoying, I know.  But you
really don't want them to leave.  It's better."

I start to shake my head, but again, his hand goes to my
arm.  "Please," he says.  "Trust me."

"Who the hell is in charge around here?" I demand.

"You are."  His voice is so soothing.  Now his
other hand is on my other arm.  "Everything that everyone does is for
you.  You have to believe that.  We're all trying to look after you."

"I can look after myself."  I shrug away from him
and his hands drop.  "I'm not a baby, and I don't think Lily was, either. 
Did you ignore what she wanted and do what you thought was best?"

"It's not like that," he says.  "I did
everything you asked of me without question."

"Then why not now?"

"It's not like that," he says again, but emotion
is rising in his voice.

"It feels like it."  I know I'm pushing,
inciting.  I'm looking for something real.

"You don't know anything."  There's tension
twitching in his jaw.  "You're wrong."

"Then prove it," I demand.  "Do something
useful.  Get rid of the guards.  Do
something
."

He turns halfway away from me, exasperated.  When he turns
his pale eyes on me again, there's anger smoldering inside them.  "You
know, maybe I
should
have questioned you," he says, his voice
rising.  "Maybe we wouldn't be here.  Like this."  He taps the side
of my head, but even in that gesture, there's a large dose of restraint. 
"Maybe we wouldn't have to go through
this
.  Again."  The last
word... his voice cracks.  He tries to hide it.  To clip the word and
camouflage it in anger.  But it doesn't work.

I stare at him, and he stares at the floor, jaw clamped,
breathing steadily through his nose.  He's trying to get hold of himself and
make it look like he's just pissed.  But there's obviously so much more to it
than that.

"Look," I finally manage, keeping my voice as calm
and level as I can, "I'm sorry if... if Lily put you through a lot.  I
guess she was... pretty single-minded."

He looks up at me now, and there's so many things in his eyes
that I can't begin to interpret them all.

"I can't change what she did."  I shake my head,
looking away.  "I guess all I can do is deal with what she left
us...."

Spec's eyes catch mine, and his hand catches my fingers.

I squeeze back.  "I know it's not easy for you,
either," I say, offering a comforting smile.  "I just wish we could
help each other more."  What am I even saying?  "Maybe it would be
easier for both of us."