East End Angel (39 page)

But time passed and Jim didn’t come home. Finally Cynthia fell asleep and Pearl went to the window and stared out on the mists. ‘Where are you, Jim?’

She paced the floor. What was she to do next? Tears sprang to her eyes. If only she had opened her heart to him. They might have resolved their differences if she had.

It was nine o’clock before Pearl heard the clop of hoofs in the street. She looked into a swirling fog and saw the pale light of a Tilley lamp, but the fog soon swallowed it up.

When the back door opened she rushed into the kitchen. ‘Oh, Jim, thank God you’re home.’

He didn’t look at her. ‘Is the nipper asleep?’

‘Course she is. It’s gone nine. We waited but you didn’t come.’

He leaned his crutch against the wall. Slowly he took off his coat and hung it on the peg. Pearl thought how tired he looked. She wanted to hold him in her arms, to comfort him, but his manner told her he didn’t want that.

‘Where have you been all day?’

‘At Mum’s.’

‘How did you get there?’

‘Percy Flint gave me a lift.’

Pearl frowned. ‘Why didn’t you say where you was going? I wouldn’t have worried.’

Without replying he limped past her.

‘Jim?’ she called as she followed him into the front room. ‘I’m sorry about what happened this morning.’

He sat in the fireside chair and the crutch clattered noisily beside him.

‘Let me explain.’

He looked up. ‘When were you going to tell me about them living here?’

‘I was going to, only I didn’t want a row.’

He looked at her in surprise. ‘A
row
?’ he repeated incredulously. ‘Christ Almighty, Pearl, what did you expect? A pat on the back?’

‘I said in me letter they was married.’

‘Yes, thanks very much for that,’ he nodded, curling his fists on the arms of the chair. ‘I was in a barn at the time, with snipers ready to blow my head off. My wife announcing she was Ricky Winters’ sister-in-law was just the bit of encouragement I needed.’ His eyes were full of reproach. ‘What in heaven’s name was you doing going along with it all?’

Pearl choked back a sob. ‘I didn’t, but when Ruby asked me I couldn’t say no.’

‘Couldn’t or wouldn’t?’ He pointed his finger at her. ‘Still fancy him, do you? ’Cos you did once, didn’t you?’

Pearl felt her knees go weak. ‘I . . . I don’t know what you mean.’

‘I ain’t a half-wit, Pearl. Did you think I never knew what was going on at the club? You got rid of me so you could give him the nod.’ He tilted his head. ‘Surprised, are you, that I sussed it out? Well, you shouldn’t be. Fact is, I was mad about you. There was this lovely little thing, with her big green eyes and angel face. She always laughed at all me jokes and made me feel like her big brother. But I didn’t want brotherly love. I wanted her to look at me the way she looked at him. And, by God, when war broke out and I saw you in the council offices, I didn’t hesitate. It was my moment of glory, I told meself You’d forgotten him and it was goodbye and good riddance to that smarmy bastard. But blow me down, he turns up again, at me own flamin’ wedding! And there was me wife with that look in her eyes – that look I’d have given my eyeteeth for—’

‘Jim, you’re wrong!’ Pearl broke in. ‘Marrying you was the best thing I ever did.’

One eyebrow rose questioningly. ‘Shouldn’t that be, the next best thing to having lover boy – here – whilst your old man is away?’ He pushed himself up from the chair, steadying himself on the mantel, his blue gaze piercing as he stared at her. ‘The simple fact is, Pearl, you knew the state of play between me and him. You knew it, yet you let him stay here, in my gaff, and enjoy a good laugh at my expense.’

Pearl shook her head. ‘It wasn’t like that.’

‘Then what was wrong with them finding their own bloody place to stay?’

‘I know, I should have refused,’ she agreed. ‘I wish I could turn the clock back and make it different. I was daft, I was weak. But they’ve gone now and that’s all that matters. Just you and me and Cynth.’

Searching her eyes, he whispered, ‘Can you swear to me, Pearl, that you ain’t never had feelings for the bloke? Can you do that? If you can, this stops here. We put the whole damn thing behind us.’

Pearl moved her trembling lips. All she had to do was tell one small lie. If push came to shove, it would always be Ricky’s word against hers. Jim was certain to believe her. It was a way to make all their troubles disappear . . . to start afresh.

Just then, a noise made them turn. A small figure in pyjamas stood at the door. Jim dragged himself over and scooped up his daughter. ‘Hello, little princess, I was just on me way to say good night.’

Cynthia hugged him. ‘Daddy ’ome?’

‘Yes, love, your dad’s home.’

Pearl listened to her husband’s gentle words, sentiments that she had dreamed of hearing for so long during the years he’d been away. Words that now made her realize how impossible it would be to give him an untruthful answer. It would only be continuing in the same old way, hiding the same old secret.

‘Jim—’ she began, but he was already carrying Cynthia back to her room, his crutch dragging on the lino.

That night, he refused her offer to help him undress. They lay in bed in silence until she put her arm across him, but he turned away. Why was this happening? She loved him so much, but he wouldn’t believe that Ricky meant nothing to her.

In the morning he was up before she woke. She heard him laughing with Cynthia and quickly she went along the hall to join them.

‘Mummy, Daddy ’ome,’ Cynthia shouted from the floor where she was playing underneath the blanket that Jim had draped over his crutch like a tent.

She bent down and kissed her forehead. ‘You two are up early,’ she said, smiling. ‘I’ll go and make the breakfast.’

‘Don’t bother for me,’ he told her as he rose from the chair. ‘I’m going now.’

‘Going where?’ Pearl asked in astonishment.

‘I’ve got meself work at Percy’s yard.’ ‘Work?’ she repeated as he gave Cynthia’s curly hair a ruffle. ‘But your leg isn’t—’

‘He don’t mind,’ he cut in sharply. ‘Just as long as I can move on it.’

‘You’re only just out of hospital.’

‘I ain’t no cripple, Pearl. And I’m lucky to be offered a job.’

She clutched his arm. ‘But you need to see the doctor first.’

‘The doctor don’t put bread on the table, does he? Now, come on, Cynth, give your daddy a smacker. I’ll be home to play with you before bedtime.’

Cynthia crawled out from under the blanket. He drew her close and kissed her. ‘You be a good girl for your mum, all right?’

Pearl followed him to the back door. ‘Jim?’ She tried to kiss him but the door closed. Her eyes filled with tears. She ran to the front room and looked out of the window. Percy’s cart was waiting in the street below. Jim threw his crutch on the back and heaved himself up. She knew every movement must be painful. When the cart moved off, he didn’t look back.

‘Oh, Jim,’ Pearl whispered as she sank down on the couch. Could he ever forgive her?

Jim pushed the broom with one hand and propped himself on the crutch with the other. He’d swept Percy’s yard and mucked out Barney’s stable. It was slow and laborious work, and his leg was tender after the morning’s work. But he was grateful that Percy had offered him a lift to Vale Road. He hadn’t had much to do with the old codger before the war, but they had a lot in common. Percy had been in the Buffs in 1915 and got a bayonet in his back. It had missed his heart and his lung and he’d survived to carry on in his father’s rag-and-bone trade. Jim had a feeling that it was because of his leg that Percy had offered him work.

He couldn’t have stayed at home, even if Percy hadn’t offered him a job. He couldn’t even look at Pearl without thinking of Winters. Bad thoughts had been tormenting him like the mosquitoes in Africa, always flying around and biting him where it hurt most. Winters, living at Pride Place, seeing Pearl every day, smiling smugly as if to say, you lose again, Jim Nesbitt.

Jim shook his head, trying to silence the taunts. He was jealous, he didn’t mind admitting that. It was a pain worse than his leg. But why had Pearl gone and done what she did, when she knew his opinion of that bastard? Why hadn’t she been able to answer that question? Had he touched her, kissed her? The fact that he’d got hitched to Ruby, made no difference. He knew Winters’ kind and he knew they never changed. That bloody letter Pearl had sent about Ruby and him getting married! It had given him sleepless nights, more than all the snipers, the shelling, the cries of the wounded and the scurrying of the rats over his body. How could she have encouraged it? The only reason he could come up with, was that she wanted to. And then the way it all came out, from Em. When was she planning to tell him?

‘You all right, son?’

Jim turned to find Percy at his side. He hadn’t heard the cart come rolling into the yard. ‘Yes,’ Jim said quickly. ‘What do you want doing with them crates over there?’

‘Leave ’em be, lad, you’ve done enough for the morning.’

‘It ain’t much.’

‘When you gonna see the doc?’

‘Dunno.’

Percy rubbed his bristled chin with rough hands. ‘Look, I’ll take yer down Millwall this afternoon. It’s on me rounds. I can drop you off at the quack’s.’

‘Don’t want to put you to trouble.’

‘And I don’t want that wife of yours after me for doing her old man in,’ Percy chuckled. ‘Good girl you got there. Sold her a few bits now and then and she’s looked out for your little ’un while you’ve been away. She’s stuck with you, which is more than I can say for some others.’

Jim watched the old man lead Barney to the stable. Percy was right and that was the bugger of it. He did have a good wife – once. Before Winters had come along. But then Winters had been there in the old days, though Pearl had never said nothing about that. But he just
knew
. God help him, Africa and Italy had been bad enough, but now he had returned to something he couldn’t shoot at. An enemy he couldn’t see.

He began sweeping again, silently wrestling with his emotions as Percy fed the old horse.

The days passed and Pearl had a letter from Amy. Ruby was home from hospital and, with Syd’s help, Ricky had got a job at the aerodrome, as a clerk in the offices. Pearl wanted to know more about Ruby but Amy was full of her son-in-law.

Pearl wanted to share the letter with Jim, but it was as though he had locked her out of his feelings. Percy called for him in the mornings and dropped him off at night. After supper, he played with Cynthia, but after she’d gone to sleep, he had taken to going to the pub. It wasn’t far to walk to the Nelson. She felt more lonely now than she had in the war. Then, she had known he wanted her. Now, she didn’t know if he did.

On the first two Saturdays of December, Pearl took Cynthia to the market. She wanted to send her mum and Ruby something in the post for Christmas. But money was short.

The week before Christmas, a parcel arrived from Abingley. Once again the letter was about Ruby and Ricky. Cynthia’s Christmas present, a large stuffed bear from the sale at the church, was wrapped up carefully in paper and tied with string.

Pearl kept it aside, to put in the big red woollen stocking she had knitted to hang by the fireplace. With Fitz and Gwen’s gifts, and a set of coloured chalks from her and Jim, the stocking would be full on Christmas morning.

When Sunday 24 December arrived, Jim returned in the evening without his crutch. Instead he leaned on a walking stick.

‘Your dad can walk with this now,’ he told Cynthia as they all sat in front of the fire.

‘Did you get it from the yard?’ Pearl asked.

‘Percy was given it on his rounds. This means I’ll be able to drive the cart soon.’

‘Are you going to stay on at the yard, then?’ Pearl was surprised.

He shrugged. ‘Don’t know.’

‘What about your old job with the council?’

‘Can’t see meself marching over the rubble just yet.’

Pearl felt excited. They were talking again. Tonight she had a small present to give him, a pocket knife for work. She had dressed in her best skirt and blouse and washed her hair. She’d waved it between her fingers over one eye like she used to.

The front room looked very festive. All the walls were decorated with paper chains that she and Cynthia had made, and Fitz had given her a cardboard cut-out tree from the storeroom. Cynthia had coloured in green branches and white blobs of snow. And the best surprise of all was the chicken she had saved all her coupons for. It was under the gauze in the larder, waiting to be cooked tomorrow, with carrots and peas and a batter pudding.

She gave him his present. ‘Happy Christmas,’ she said softly.

He unwrapped it and slipped it in his pocket. ‘Thanks.’

‘I’ve got a nice roast chicken for tomorrow.’

‘Don’t trouble for me. Thought I’d take Cynth to Mum’s.’

‘But it’s Christmas Day.’

‘We’ll be back later.’

‘What about the chicken?’

‘Do as you please,’ he shrugged as he stood up. ‘I’m off to the Nelson for a quick one.’