Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (2 page)

From then on, we saw each other occasionally when he was home visiting his parents, and always kept things awkwardly platonic. We would grab a bite to eat, talk late into the night on our bench, go to parties, but never got back together. In time, we both moved on. Holden seemed to date most of the East Coast. My best friend, Jess, would lace each conversation we had with the dirty details of his weekend escapades at the shore. With each phone call, my heart froze over a little more, still unwilling to feel anything close to love. In my junior year, a handsome, smart man named Marcus Hamilton asked me out. He seemed to be just what I needed. Marcus was from a prominent family from Upstate New York, and made it easier for me to start a new life away from Mantoloking. We both went to NYU, and seemed to have all of the same interests. He never questioned my distant physical relationship or the nightmares that assaulted me every night. He just accepted me for who I am.

Marcus was devastatingly handsome, standing at a masculine six foot four with hypnotizing brown eyes and light brown hair. He was always affectionate towards me, but not pushy. His ability to ignore what was right in front of him seemed like the perfect fit for me. Everyone I introduced Marcus to loved him. He was always so calm, cool, and collected, that people seemed drawn to his confident exterior. Fact is, his confidence is what attracted me most to him. I needed someone to take control of my life that seemed to be spiraling away from me. The only hesitation I ever felt with Marcus was that for me, there were never fireworks and heart-stopping moments. The truth of the matter was that I don’t think that could ever happen for me again. Marcus always makes sure I know he loves me and will always be loyal and protect me, and that is what I need more than dizzying, passionate love…I need safe.

When I told Holden about my relationship with Marcus after things became serious, he never questioned my decision or asked me to be with him. He just let me go, and never looked back.

Now here we are, together again after years of hardly speaking. All of the nerves of being so close to him again are waning with each breath of our silence. Holden and I were always good at just being together. And just being together is what he needs right now. Holden knows he never needs to explain himself to me. I will always be here for him, no questions asked.

We continue to stare ahead at the lagoon, sipping on the ice-cold beer in silence as my heart breaks for him. He has lost the only real family he has ever had. All I want to do is reach over and take him in my arms and tell him he is not alone. He is like family to me, and I know I am the same for him. I can’t imagine what he must be going through, losing both of his parents at once.

It was only a week ago that they were flying home on a private jet from a trip to the Poconos when their plane crashed. Now Holden is all alone, with no other to turn to. He doesn’t have any other family member that he knows of and no matter how much I tell him my family is here for him, the truth is, he really is alone now.

Holden guzzles another beer and slams the bottle down on the dock. I am startled at first, but then he tilts his head towards me, with his hair falling carelessly over his forehead, and gives me a mischievous smile. I can’t help but smile back and just pray I’m not blushing. He always calls me out when he catches me checking him out, so I look away, hoping to avoid his taunting comments. The calmness I was feeling moments ago is transformed into a giant mess of lust and inappropriate thoughts.

Sitting so close to Holden after so many years apart is making my head spin all of the sudden.
Get a hold of yourself, Cam; it’s just Holden.

I swear there’s a chemical reaction that happens when he’s this close to me, and it pisses me off that he can still have an effect on me after all this time. Holden needs a friend right now, but his sad, brooding self seems to be screaming for me to hold him.

I force myself to think of Marcus and stop with these ridiculous thoughts, knowing that nothing good can come of acting out the visions that betray my conscience. Marcus and I have been living together for three years now and things are great. Thoughts like I am having could ruin the safe life I have built for myself. My life with Marcus is comfortable, and predictable, and safe, and that’s what I need. I don’t love him in the same way that I love Holden…I mean
loved
Holden. But that’s because I can never love anyone that way again. I don’t think I could even love Holden that way again. Holden was my first love and I will always have a special place just for him in my broken heart.

I remind myself that I wasn’t Holden’s first
anything,
hoping it will keep me from doing anything stupid. He had other girls before me…and Lord knows how many girls after me. I always had to remind myself of this when I thought of him in bed at night, or wanted him to hold me in his arms when we are together like this. Right now, I have to remember that we are best friends at the heart of it all, and he needs me to be here as a friend for him now.
I can do this.

I decide to break the silence before more inappropriate thoughts of Holden take over.

“How are you doing, Holden? We haven’t really had a chance to talk since everything happened.” I continue to stare ahead, knowing what looking into his dark green eyes again is doing to me.

Holden’s voice is hoarse when he finally speaks. “I don’t know, Cam.” He rakes his fingers through his disheveled brown hair. “It still doesn’t even seem real, ya know?”

I lean back onto my hands and decide I’d be strong enough to look over at him.
Damn it, I was wrong
.

His eyes are sad and empty. I know that feeling all too well. I want to be able to take it all away, but I know I can’t. I’m not that person for him anymore.

“You know I’m here if you need someone…a friend,” I clarify.

I really have missed his friendship so much over the years. I wish we could go back to the way things were when we were kids for a moment. I’m sure I could make the racing of my heart when he is close go away with practice.

He shakes his head and half smiles at my comment. “Friends, huh?” He lets out a stifled laugh. “When is the last time we hung out and didn’t hook up, Camryn?”

He takes me by surprise with his sarcasm. It isn’t like him to bring that up. Holden always seems to forget about our past, and goes along with life like it doesn’t affect him at all. For me, every time we are together is like another piece of my heart being locked away. I know I would never be able to love him the way he deserves.

“Um, I believe it was the last time you were in town, when I drove you to Used to Be’s and you hooked up with Katrina right in front of me.” I pat his back playfully, trying to lighten the conversation. “Yep, I think that was the last time. But I am sure I could think of many other times over the past several years that had the same outcome. Maybe that’s why you’ve stayed away so long.” I try to play it off like I don’t care, ignoring the ping my heart feels at the memory.
I have Marcus
.

He smiles slightly and shakes his head. “Okay, point taken.” He pulls at the ends of his hair, something he always does when he’s frustrated. “The fact is, you’re the only person I want to be with right now. I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you.” His sad eyes meet mine, his honesty taking me by surprise. “You knew my parents as well as anyone. You know
me
better than I know myself, I think sometimes.” He bites his bottom lip as if trying to hold something back.

Why does he have to say things like this to me?
Think of kittens and butterflies, anything but kissing those sexy lips.
I am trying not to read too much into what he’s saying. All I have to do is keep our boundaries clear in my mind.
We. Are. Friends.

Holden takes another long pull off his beer, placing it aside and opens another one, clearly wanting to try to erase the pain with the numbness that alcohol can bring. I rarely feel pain anymore. I don’t need anything to help me shut out the world; I do that just fine on my own these days. Some would call me an expert at it. Now I am just numb to everything. Everything, apparently, except Holden.

I try to keep the subject of our conversation away from the funeral, knowing that would be the last thing Holden feels like talking about right now.

Holden’s parents were such fun, loving people. I don’t think they could have loved Holden more if they tried. Holden’s dad was one of the most honest, respectable people I have ever known. And that is saying a lot considering he was a lawyer. Holden’s mom was a beloved teacher at the elementary school we had attended as children. She could warm your heart with a smile. They always made sure Holden knew he was loved and taken care of. They, too, saw the pain that is always behind Holden’s eyes, and spent their lives trying to erase it.

“How long do you plan on staying down here?” Holden still lives in Connecticut after getting his degree at Yale. I keep ignoring the voice in my head wishing he would say he’s staying the summer.

He doesn’t answer, just shrugs his shoulders and guzzles some more of his beer.

“Okay then, change of subject. How have you been? I miss talking to you. It’s weird not knowing anything about you anymore.”

He takes another sip, licking a drop from his bottom lip again, unknowingly turning me to mush. He slowly puts his beer down and glances up at me in a way that sends shivers surging through my body. “I’m good, well, besides the obvious. I passed the bar. I know my dad wants…wanted,” he corrects himself, “he wanted me to follow in his footsteps. You know, save the world from evil.” He laughs sadly to himself. Something in the way he speaks tells me he knows exactly what his next step is going to be, but I don’t push him.

“What else in the world would you do besides follow in your dad’s footsteps, Holden? All you have ever wanted to be since I met you was a lawyer. No one can bullshit their way through an argument better than you,” I say, trying to take some of his pain away.

He pushes my shoulder, and then gave it a stiff punch just like he did when we were kids.
Yep, some things never change.

“I do have an undeniable knack for being able to recall facts to support an argument better than anyone.” He smiles a real smile and takes another sip of his new beer.

“Or for twisting the facts to support your argument.” I smile too, glad to see he is starting to relax a little.

“Yeah well, I am still trying to figure it all out, but I’m good. Don’t worry about me; I’m always good.” His face turns serious again and he looks away, staring back out to the lagoon.

“How about you, Camryn? How’s the writing going?”

I’ve just started a job writing a blog piece for the
New Yorker
magazine’s website. I have secret hopes that one day my contribution will help me land a column in the magazine.

“It’s good. I’m excited to have the blog, but it’s not exactly riveting material. My last blog was about the best places to find a successful man in the city.”

He chuckles despondently. “You always turn everything into something special, Cam. I know this will turn into something great too.”

I have no doubt that I am blushing and I hate myself for it. I roll my eyes, trying to hide the effect his words have on me. “Thanks, Holden.”

We sit there and finish off the beers and are now on to a “nightcap.” We’re both far more relaxed now thanks to the beverages and are laughing and telling old stories like old friends. The way I wish it always could be with us. There have been so many fun times here with our families that a part of me wishes for it all back. We’ve spent virtually every holiday and birthday together since we were kids, and now nothing will ever be the same again. The Patricks were the lifeline keeping Holden here. Deep down inside, I know now that they’re gone, there really is no reason for him to stay.

Without warning, in the middle of me reenacting his horrid dance moves at prom, Holden stands up from the dock, pulling me up against him. He’s clearly feeling the effects of the alcohol as much as I am at this point, making our bodies sway dangerously close to the edge of the dock. My body crashes into his, leaving no space between us while I try to steady myself. We are both standing completely still as if we’re not sure what to do next. My mind and my heart are having a silent battle inside me. I can feel his shallow breaths on the top of my head as he holds me tight against his taut body. A shiver shoots up my arm when his fingers slowly interlace with mine. I smile shyly and look down, stepping away, knowing it has to be the alcohol making him act this way with me.

He smiles too, knowing the reason for my retreat from his touch and runs his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends.

“So Cam, tell me something. How are things with you and
Marcus
?” He turns and casually strides up to the bar on my deck, grabbing us each a bottled water as if the moment before had never happened.

I am quick to answer. “We are great. Couldn’t be better. I think he is going to propose soon.”
That should sterilize the moment.