Dunces Anonymous
DUNCES
ANONYMOUS
DUNCES
ANONYMOUS
Kate Jaimet
ORCA BOOK PUBLISHERS
Text copyright ©
2009
Kate Jaimet
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Jaimet, Kate, 1969-
Dunces anonymous / written by Kate Jaimet.
ISBN 978-1-55469-097-8
I. Title.
PS8619.A368D86 2009 jC813'.6 C2009-903351-8
First published in the United States,
2009
Library of Congress Control Number
:
2009929364
Summary
: Josh forms a club to help kids whose parents have unrealistic expectations of them and, in the process, learns what it really means to be a leader.
Orca Book Publishers gratefully acknowledges the support for its publishing programs provided by the following agencies: the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.
Design by Teresa Bubela
Cover image by Dreamstime
Author photo by Mark Purves
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Printed and bound in Canada.
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12 11 10 09 ⢠4 3 2 1
To my writing group. I couldn't have done it without you.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 3:
MONTAGUES AND CATAPULTS
CHAPTER 5:
STRATEGIC ALGORITHMS
CHAPTER 7:
OPERATION FREE JULIET
CHAPTER 9:
YOUNG LEADERS OF THE FUTURE
CHAPTER 10:
EMMETT MAKES HIS MOVE
CHAPTER 11:
SCANDAL ON THE RAP SHEET
CHAPTER 12:
STAR-CROSSED LOVERS
CHAPTER 13:
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
J
osh tapped a small wooden mallet on the teacher's desk. The clock on the wall read
12:03
. The classroom was nearly deserted.
Josh's mallet sounded as faint as an ant stamping its tiny foot. The noise barely rose above the wall clock's electric hum.
Josh stared out at the classroom. Rows of empty desks stared back. In the far corner, Wang Xiu sat with his nose in a comic book. Two rows from the front, Magnolia Montcrieff was studying
Romeo and Juliet
. Had they stayed here for his meeting, or were they just lingering for some quiet reading while the other kids rushed to the cafeteria and Mr. Bogg vanished into the staff room for lunch?
“Um, you guys, could we get the meeting started?” Josh said.
Magnolia's head remained bent over her book. Wang's nose stayed buried in his comic. Josh twiddled his mallet. What was he supposed to do now?
He didn't have a clue.
Josh didn't know Wang and Magnolia very well. He didn't know anyone at Oakview Public School very well. He had only started there at the end of last year, after his parents split up. His dad had moved away and his mom bought a condo in a new part of town. He wasn't sure he'd get along with Wang and Magnolia, even if he did manage to get their attention. Still, here he was, standing at the front of the class, so he screwed up his courage and tapped the mallet on the desk again.
“Um, excuse me? I'd like to get the meeting started?”
Nobody heard him. Or, if they heard him, nobody listened. Josh sat down at Mr. Bogg's desk and sank his head in his arms. It was hopeless. He should have known it when he'd tacked his little sign to the classroom bulletin board that morning.
Today at Noon! First Meeting of Dunces Anonymous! A Club for Kids who aren't as Good at Stuff as their Parents Think they Should Be.
Who would want to join a club called Dunces Anonymous? It was a dumb name. It was a dumb idea. It was a dumb club. But what else could he do? He needed help. Josh was in terrible trouble, and he couldn't think of a way out of it by himself.
He'd been sitting there for about a minute, picturing his life going down the tubes at the age of eleven-and-a-half, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“What's wrong?”
He looked up and saw Magnolia standing next to him. She was a funny-looking girl, and for a moment her appearance distracted Josh from his problems. She was wearing multicolored overalls, and her short black hair was pinned up with dozens of little clips and barrettes so that it stood in tufts all over her head.
“What's wrong?” Magnolia demanded again.
“This meeting,” said Josh. “It's a complete flop.”
“Well,” said Magnolia, “there are two of us here. Plus you, makes three. So it can't be a
complete
flop.”
“It's not very good for someone who's supposed to be class president,” said Josh.
“Who says you're supposed to be class president?”
“My mother,” Josh moaned. “Don't you get it? That's why I called this meeting!”
“Well, how can I get it if you haven't told me anything? Sheesh!” said Magnolia.
Josh felt her slip the little wood mallet out of his hand. Then he heard a loud, crisp
crack
as she banged it on the desk.
“Hey! This meeting will now come to order! Everyone here for the Dunces Anonymous meeting, please come forward. Pronto!”
Wang lifted his nose from his comic book and came over to join them.
“Right,” said Magnolia. “Now, Josh, tell us all about it.”
Josh looked at the girl. Then he looked at the mallet in her hand. How had she done that? A person who could do that was the kind of person who should be class president. Class president. The feeling of hopelessness welled up again in Josh's stomach.
“Well,” he began, “my mom's making me run for class president.”
“And you want us to help you win,” Magnolia interrupted.
“No! I want you to help me lose! I mean, I really, really don't want to be class president!”
Josh looked at the others, afraid they'd think he was dumb for not wanting to be class president. But they weren't laughing. Instead they looked interested.
“What does a class president do, anyway?” Wang asked. He had put his comic book down and was perched on a corner of Mr. Bogg's desk, swinging one foot back and forth.
What did a class president do? Josh wasn't totally sure. All he knew was that he didn't want to be one. His mom was the president of lots of different committees, and sometimes she dragged him along to her meetings. While he did his homework, the grown-ups talked for hours about boring things. It looked like an awful way to spend his first full year at a new school.
“I think they have to organize things,” Josh said.
“That's right,” said Magnolia. “Like bake sales and Halloween parties and bottle drives, and even letter-writing campaigns to free political prisoners and stuff.”
Josh groaned. That sounded even worse than he'd thought.
“But why do you need us to help you lose the election?” Wang said. “No offense, but you could probably lose on your own.”
“I thought of that,” said Josh, “but the only other person running is Stacey Hogarth!”
“Oh.” Wang's foot stopped swinging. “That's a problem.”
“I knew it!” Josh wailed. “Nobody's going to vote for Stacey Hogarth. I'm doomed. Doomed!”
A sharp rapping sound brought Josh up short. Magnolia was banging the mallet on Mr. Bogg's desk again and looking at him with a deep frown.
“Now, Josh!” she scolded. “Crying about it is not going to do you any good!”
“Why don't you run for class president, Magnolia?” Josh said. “I bet you'd beat me by a million votes.”
Magnolia cocked her head, as though considering his idea, and for a moment Josh thought his problem was solved. But then she shook her head.
“Sorry, I can't. My mom would kill me. She wants me to
devote
myself
completely
to playing Juliet in the school play.” Magnolia rolled her eyes.
“Oh,” said Josh. He had the feeling that Magnolia expected him to say something more, but he wasn't sure what it could be.
“Which I
do not
want to do!” Magnolia added.
“Oh,” said Josh again. He was confused. They hadn't solved his presidential problem yet, but now they had switched to talking about the school play. It was like the meetings his mom took him to. Even when she told him to pay attention, he could never keep track of what was going on, and the conversation always seemed to wander off in different directions.
“Do you want me to tell you all about it?” said Magnolia.
“I guess so,” said Josh.
“Well.” Magnolia stepped back and let out a deep sigh. “When my mother was a little girl, she dreamed of being a romantic star of stage and screen. But her father disapproved and never allowed her to take acting lessons. Now she wants me to fulfill her shattered dreams!”
“Don't you like acting?” asked Josh. She seemed pretty dramatic for someone who didn't want to be a romantic star of stage and screen.
“I love acting! But not the mushy stuff.” Magnolia clutched her hands to her heart. “âOh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo!' Sheesh! Give me a break!”
“Pretty bad,” Josh agreed.
Wang nodded.
“Yeah,” Magnolia said, “but when I tried telling my mom that I didn't want to be Juliet, she started crying. You should have heard her. âI dreamed of playing Juliet when I was a girl! I shut myself in my room and wept when my father wouldn't let me take acting lessons! You have no idea how lucky you are!'”
Josh nodded sympathetically. He knew from experience that it was impossible to win an argument with a crying mother.
“What we need,” said Wang, “is a cunning plan.” He tapped the cover of his comic book. “Superheroes always have a cunning plan.”
“What kind of a cunning plan?” asked Magnolia.
“Beats me,” Wang admitted. “I'm no good at cunning plans. If I were, I wouldn't be stuck in the chess club.”
“What does the chess club have to do with anything?” Josh asked. He was feeling lost again.
“That's why I came to this meeting,” Wang explained. “Isn't that what your notice said? â
A club for kids who aren't as good at stuff as their parents think they should be
'? Well, that's me. See, last year, my dad made me join the chess club. I was getting Cs in school, and he said chess was supposed to help me concentrate and improve my grades. I didn't win a single game all year, and I'm still getting Cs, but my dad won't let me quit. He says, âA quitter never succeeds.' But how is doing something I hate going to help me succeed?”
Josh shook his head. Parents didn't make any sense. But what could a kid do about it? He looked at the clock. It was already twelve thirty and they hadn't solved a single one of their problems.
“We need to prioritize,” said Magnolia. “The election for class president is tomorrow, so we need to help Josh first. Now, who's got a cunning plan to help him lose the election?”
Josh looked at Wang. Wang looked down at his comic book.
“Maybe there's something in there,” Josh suggested timidly.
“I don't think so,” said Wang. “Superheroes always have plans for winning battlesânot for losing.”
“Winning an election's easy,” Josh said. His mother had told him so a million times. “You have to promise people all the things they want. Like longer recesses and field trips to the swimming pool and class parties every Friday.”
“Well, then,” said Wang, “all you have to do is make a speech tomorrow, promising kids all the things they
don't
want.”
Josh and Magnolia looked at each other. The idea was brilliant. Cunning, even.
“You mean, like, study groups during recess?” Josh ventured.
“Yeah!” Wang said. “And detentions for anyone who makes a mistake on a test. And no French fries in the cafeteria! Only Brussels sprouts and lima beans!”