Down From the Clouds (3 page)

Matt laughed. "Yeah, I'll say."

Lydia handed Matt a tray of snacks to take to the dining room table. Ella took a water to Heidi, sat beside her and Patrick, looking like a ballerina in a monster truck show. Completely out of place.

She came back to me, pulled me aside, and whispered in my ear, "We have to stop them."

I leaned in. "Stop who?"

"Patrick and Heidi." Her green eyes darkened. "They can't be interested in each other. She still has her ring on. They're still married in spirit."

I smiled. "Ella, have you ever though that maybe it could be just as romantic to fall in love again after something so tragic?"

"Well, Jack died and Rose moved on after the Titanic, but that's not my idea of happily ever after."

"Maybe it's theirs."

She crossed her arms. "It can't be."

"Don't be so childish," I said, joking. 

She walked away. Our sweet love story gone south too soon. I followed after her. 

Matt grabbed my arm. "Seriously, man? Practice your sarcasm on me. Not her. Now you're in for it."

I pinched the bridge of my nose to prevent the impending headache. "I'm stupid, what can I say?"

Ella tried her best to avoid me throughout the rest of Heidi’s shower. I couldn’t tell if she was more interested in breaking Heidi and Patrick up or making me feel sorry for myself. Whatever it was, she only succeeded in one. Heidi and Patrick were inseparable the entire night and exchanged phone numbers at the end.

Maybe what I said sounded mean and sarcastic, and I was joking, but seriously? I happened to desire Ella and Ella only. If she died I'd bury my heart with her and never dig it up for someone else. But I don't and never will place those expectations on another person.

She sat in the car. I closed her door and walked to mine. Cool breeze followed me, rustling trash in the gutter and scaring off a wild rabbit. Stars were bright. Sky opened up like a planetarium. I sat down and looked at my bright star turned black cloud. She stared out the window as I started the car and accelerated. 

"I'm sorry," I said.

She didn't budge.

"Ella, forgive me. I'm stupid. I really am. I hope I didn't hurt you. I was joking, but at the same time I do believe that you need to let them live their lives and accept whatever happens. You can't control people around you."

"Easy for you to say," she said, still looking out the window. "This coming from the man who tucks everything so far inside and won't open up to his fiancé."

"That's me. I don’t want pity from people, but if someone around me wants to stand on a soap box and get a pity party together to try and wrangle in some trivial flattery, I'm not going to stop them. Whether I think it's ridiculous or not, it doesn't matter. It's not my life."

She finally turned to me. "Would you remarry someone if I died?"

"No."

"Then why do you think it's so romantic to fall in love after the love of your life is buried?"

I reached for her hand. She took it. I exhaled. Relieved. 

"I don't think that. Ella. Not in the slightest. I don't know what their life will entail and I don't know either of them well enough to know what's best for them. What I do know is that Heidi almost had an abortion because her baby has some kind of condition or deformity of the leg and absolutely no one in her life to help take care of this child. I won't blame her for falling in love with another man. And I won't blame him either."

"But it was so romantic of her to keep her ring on for him. I can't imagine her taking it off."

I smiled. "Sweetheart, don't think so much." I pointed to her chest. "Worry about what's in here." And pointed to mine. "And in here. That's all that matters. We're all that matters to us. The rest of the world can write their love stories as they see fit. Let's just worry about writing our own."

She smiled. Ah, success. I said the right thing. Nothing short of a miracle.

Her eyes widened as she reached for the dashboard. I looked ahead. Something crashed into my windshield and rolled off the hood. I swerved, lost control of the car, and ended up on the other side of the road facing the wrong direction. Shaking, I gathered my thoughts and looked at Ella. Lost in panic, she hit my leg.

"Get back on the right side of the road," she said, looking out the window for whatever it was that hit my car.

Please don't let it be a person, I thought. Then moved the car and parked on the other side of the road. Ella jumped out of the car and paced along the white line. I couldn't move. Looked in my rear view. She shook her head and held back tears. I sunk into my seat and imagined the worst. 

Tears in her eyes, she appeared beside me. I got out and looked behind the car. 

"It's a baby," she said.

I looked around and spotted the mother behind a tree, eyeing the mangled baby deer as he twitched to his death. I thought of my own mother. The fear she must have experienced. The pain. The torture of handing me over as she lay dying on a sterile hospital bed.

"Is there anything we can do?" Ella said. 

"I don't think so."

She knelt beside the little deer. "Poor thing."

I looked at the mom. "Um, love. You may not want to get too close. In fact, maybe we should go so his mom can come closer. She won't come near him with us standing here."

Ella nodded. We got back in the car. I called the cops and my insurance company while she perched herself backwards on her seat and watched the deer as we drove off.

"Hey," I said. "I want to tell you a little about my past."

She pulled my hand to her lap.

"Just so you know, I’ve never told anyone this. Not even Matt.”

She nodded. Smiling with her eyes. Telling me in her silent gaze that I was safe with her. I could pour my heart out and she would drink what so many others would spit back out and lather with their pity.

Pity I didn't want.

"My mom was given a choice when she was pregnant. They told her most likely I would die and she would die if she tried to deliver me. She refused the abortion. My dad begged her to abort me. So, when I was born it turned out that I didn't have any complications, but Mom did. She died and my dad took me from the hospital. Everyone said he handled it so well. But someone found me on the side of the road with the hospital birth card and footprint papers tucked in the car seat. My pop eventually got custody of me and my dad has been missing since. Harold Kessler. Missing person for over two decades. His body has never been found. No death records. He's just gone."

She kissed my hand and held it against her lips.

"My pop is my dad's father. So I learned a lot about my dad through him, but not my mom. Her parents died when I was five and seven. Never knew them well since they lived in Texas. Pop was all I had." I parked the car in the parking garage and leaned back. "Until you."

"You've had Matt. He's your best friend. That's gotta count for something."

"It does. And while I know him and I are close, I doubt he loves me unconditionally. If I ruined his life he would leave, too. Just in our current culture's nature to run from pain and problems. There are few people who will love you no matter what. Pop was that for me. And now you."

"Well, in that case I've never had anyone love me like that until you. I hope I can be that for you, Gavin. I fear myself. I fear my inability to love you more than I love my own self. My reaction to Heidi and Patrick showed me that. It showed me that I love my own ideals more than I love people."

"And you fear that when you come down from the clouds and life doesn't look so bright anymore that you will run off looking for another plane to send you soaring above."

"Exactly."

"But every plane lands."

"Yes." She turned her gaze away from me. "Yes, they do."

"So let's pinky swear."

She laughed. "I haven't done that since elementary school."

I linked my pinky finger with hers. "I swear to land my plane on your heart and learn to live there. For better or worse and way past when death parts us. I will never look for another plane to fly."

Her smile brightened the dimmed car. "And I swear to let to go of my ideals and learn to make reality even more beautiful than the fantasies Disney has given me."

I laughed and pulled her into me. There, in the orange glow of parking garage lights, we kissed and held each other until the windows fogged. I took her hand and wrote the date on the window, enclosed by a heart, and imprinted both of our pinkies inside.

I had never loved anything as much as the girl in my arms. And it felt good, so good, to know that she felt the same.

Chapter Three

The next few weeks flew by. Ella and I settled on a house in the city. Opposite of Matt and Lydia who fled the busy town for suburbia. After tons of discussion, Ella and I decided to do the same, but we fell in love with a four-bedroom city house built in 1890. Still loads of original features. Amazing detail in the wood. Three fireplaces that actually worked. A huge kitchen Ella could dance in as she served waffles and yogurt. Our favorite breakfast. Since the first moment we stepped inside the house we knew we wanted it. And a few weeks later we stood outside holding the key.

"I can't believe life is changing so much so fast." She stood by the door, waiting for me to open it.

I turned the key and pushed the door open. "Home."

She walked inside with a smile painted to her ears. "If I were the squealing type I'd definitely be squealing right now."

"Please don't."

We laughed. Bare walls and floors. Eager to hold life again. I always wondered how interesting it would be to see life from the perspective of an old house. To see the tears and smiles and hard work that lives and breaths inside the walls for decades. To watch from a distance as life goes on and people move out, only to slap on a fresh coat of paint for the next family to cover with their memories.

I couldn't wait to share a home with my Ella. We thought we'd wait to have kids until we moved out of the city, but since she refused to use birth control pills after Sarah's cancer scare there wouldn't be any way to stop the kiddos from coming. I didn't mind though.

Ella sat indian-style on the hardwood living room floor. "It seems like just yesterday I was in Tylissa's house admiring her family pictures. Her growing belly. All that she had. And thinking I'd never have it for myself."

"And here we are." I sat down beside her.

"Funny thing. She asked me to write a list of everything I wanted in a future husband. When I gave it to her she ripped it up and told me no one can live up to lists like that. To let go of my expectations and see what happens."

"I'd love to see that list."

"Wouldn't be hard."

"I thought she ripped it up?"

"She did. But it's still in my head." She tapped my temple. "And it's you. Everything in the list is you."

"Are you serious? Like what?"

"I really am serious. I said I wanted someone with dark hair. Tall, but not too tall. Someone who plays an instrument, sings in the shower, and can be quiet for hours without a single need to speak. Someone with artistic talent of some kind, or at least an appreciation of the arts. Funny. Not into sports. Not a big alcohol guru. I can't remember everything. It was a long list. But trust me, she thought I'd never find someone to meet my expectations, and honestly Gavin, you're so much more than I imagined."

I traced her jaw with my fingertips, stopped on her chin, just below her shiny lips. Woman. There's nothing like a woman. Stripped down from the world's air-brushed, make-upped, faked-up ideals, woman, to me, meant comfort. She defined love, solace, dreams, and beauty all wrapped up in one package. There were times I wondered if I'd ever have a woman to call my own. Searching for Ella seemed like an impossible task. Girl walks into a coffee shop and spots me across the way. I get caught up in customers and orders and an extremely urgent need to run to the bathroom before I embarrass myself, only to come back and see an empty chair.

I told myself I'd find her. Ran out the door that night. Up and down the street. Nowhere. Pop told me to keep trying. To never give up. He said, "When you know you know, and when I met your grandmother the world stopped. That's how you know it's the lady you want to spend the rest of your life with. When the world stops and all you see is her."

Ella's voice carried my thoughts away.

"What'd you say?" I said, taking her hand in mine.

"What are you thinking?"

"Just about you. That night I first saw you and thought I'd never see you again. My pop telling me to never give up. To fight until I bled to find you. And then searching for years to no avail, wondering if I was ridiculous. Watching Braveheart one too many times with Matt. Feeling this ache because while all of those William Wallace speeches were amazing, the thing I could never get out of my head was that all of those things he did, it was all for her. The one he loved. The one they took from him. He fought so hard for her. I wanted someone to fight for too. But you were beginning to feel like a fantasy, not real life." She reclined in my lap and looked up at me. I ran my fingers through her hair, down her neck. "I was so close to giving up."