Doubting Our Hearts (13 page)

"Maybe Damon's choice brought you closer to me," I say in a hushed tone. I close my eyes and pray that there is some truth to my spoken words.

I can feel Lillian's head lift from where it was on my shoulder. I open my eyes to her wide green pools of deep emerald. However, before she tries to process my statement, I smile and pull her head back down to my shoulder.

"Or I could be completely crazy, and he was trying to set you free in some way. We aren't to know these things, Lily. That's why they call them the mysteries of life."

Without responding, her head burrows in the crook of my neck, and I can feel the smile on her lips. I want to believe her ex's choice brought her to me. Every moment I spend with Lillian makes my chest ache more and more for her.

Chapter 13

Lillian

The two weeks following the almost bomb incident, okay, it wasn't a bomb, but for all intensive purposes, the girls and I thought the worst. We have active imaginations, and they get the best of us in certain situations. I was just glad it was a necklace than what we originally thought.

So the next full week after getting the necklace, it seemed like a million different things happened. The girls saw the photos of Brendan and thought he was gorgeous. After me telling them the brothers were identical twins, they immediately said Brayden looked just as good even if they couldn't see the photos of him with his shirt off. The best one is of Brayden in just his suit pants and neck tie with his sexy body tattoo in full view looking directly at me with those chocolate brown eyes. I secretly printed it out, and it's on my mirror in my bedroom. Don't judge me. He may be engaged, but he's magnificent to look at.

I had some reservations about the necklace, but surreptitiously, I can't keep the smile from donning my face every time I passed it in the box on my dresser. Brayden protested me giving it back, and I acquiesced as long as he doesn't give me any more gifts. I'm glad to forever have this little piece of him because it makes me think of home too.

I was able to gain a little strength due to some liquid courage and read some more messages and emails from Nora. It was more of the same thing. Apologizing profusely, telling me she misses and loves me, and trying to explain what happened without going into great detail. By the time I got to the drawn out email of her explanation, words started to merge together and sometimes double, so I suppose I didn't really get the gist of it that night. Tequila can be a blessing in small amounts, whereas too much can blur your original objective. 

I've ignored and deleted anything that came across with Damon's name on it. Part of me wants to read what he wrote, but the hurt, scornful part of me wants nothing to do with him. This man that I loved for six years made the choice to emotionally crush me in one day. Needless to say, my alcoholic haze helped me overcome a hurdle that's been taking up too much time in my head these past few months.

My job, which has been a blessing since I moved to the city, has been going considerably well. Jerry reviewed my playful and more serious pictures of Brayden and Brendan and surprisingly thought the more playful pictures were just what the article needed. There's going to be a two page spread in next month's issue featuring the best five shots. I was thrilled to hear the news, and then Jerry reminded me of the staff position, which I told him I was extremely interested in.

Brayden helped me seal the deal for the loft space we were looking at last week a few blocks from my apartment building. He's assisted me with moving all my equipment in and getting the space prepared for when I finally get the staff position with the magazine. On the empty walls in my section of the loft, we've hung some of my photos. Brayden looked a tad disappointed when he didn't see one of his GQ photos up there. What he didn't know is that I had sent off to get my favorites blown up for the feature wall. None of the shirtless pictures will be displayed; those are my secret.

With all the happenings over the past couple weeks, I've tried to push back processing any feelings I may or may not have for Brayden. When I start to ponder his actions or comments, my mind goes haywire with possibilities. I like things simple and thinking about Brayden is anything but simplistic.

Brayden and I have walked and talked a couple more times this week, and I was happy to feel the same pull as I did back in Tampa. Our conversations stayed light, and we never veered into hostile territory. It seems we've picked up where we left off nine months ago. We laugh and joke, and it's good to feel so relaxed around Brayden that I can tell him anything...well, almost anything. I haven't been able to tell him details yet.

Riley and the girls started to hound me more and more about my quote unquote "relationship" with "the hottie Mr. Knight." I swore up and down we're just friends, but they're getting very skeptical given the fact I've been spending most of my free time with him.

Tonight, however, is the first night my new friends will meet my old one. Nervousness doesn't even come close to what is flying around inside me. Brayden has never met anyone I'm connected with, so this is a big first for me.

I decided to cook dinner at my apartment. So, not only is this Brayden's first meeting with my friends, but it's also the first time he'll ever be in my personal space. Nervousness...yeah...I'm freaking the heck out.

My cell rings, and I wipe my hands from coating the chicken to answer it.

"Lillian Anderson."

"Lily?"

It's Damon. Oh no. What do I say? I don't want to talk to him, but I'm not a rude person, but I can't help the tinge of panic and uneasiness that overcomes me hearing his voice for the first time in almost four months. So, I don't speak because I really have nothing to say to him.

"Lily, please talk with me. Nora said you're reading her messages now. Please hear me out. I hate when we fight."

I take a deep breath to gain my composure. I can't do this now. I'm already about to have a panic attack with my friends and Brayden coming over. I need to get him off the phone.

"Damon, right now is not the best time to talk about this. I'm having company. I have to-"

"Is it that guy?" He asks softly.

"What guy? What are you talking about?" I reply not trying to hide my confusion.

"That guy I saw you with here."

My quick intake of breath made me almost dizzy. So Damon did somehow see Brayden and me together. It's not like we did anything. I wasn't cheating; we were just friends.

"How do you know about him?" He was about to speak when I cut him off again. "You know what, Damon. He was just a friend. I don't know what you saw or heard or whatever, but Brayden was and still is a friend to me. I really have to go."

"Wait, Lil. I saw you with him. More happy than I've ever-"

"Stop, Damon! I don't care what you saw or what you thought. Goodbye."

I hang up before I start doing something stupid like crying any more tears. A knock at my door has me wishing I never picked up the phone. I can feel I'm on the verge of breaking down. When I open the door to see Brayden, I'm overcome with the urge to feel his comfort from my chat with my ex a second ago.

"Hey, Lillian." He eyes me questioningly taking in my facial expression and obvious flustered state. "What's the matter?"

I open the door wider for him to come in. I don't say anything but direct him to the sofa. He takes my hand and pulls me down beside him. His touch is soothing and makes me start to lose the edge I had moments ago just by rubbing lightly over my knuckles. I close my eyes as my breathing calms to normal, and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Tell me what's the matter, Lil."

Opening my eyes, I'm met with brown ones of concern. "Damon called me."

"What did he want?"

"To talk, but I'm not ready to talk to him. I'm not sure I'll ever be. What they did hurt me so bad."

"Wanna tell me about it?" He asks with pleading eyes. I want to. I want to tell him so badly how much they hurt me, but I just can't. I can't tell him all the times I thought of him, all the moments of second guessing myself, and the most horrible day of my life.

I just shake my head and take a few more cleansing breaths. "Can you help me cook the rest of dinner?" I ask trying to get off this subject. I need to get back on neutral ground so I can make it through the next few hours with my friends.

"Sure. What are we making?" He replies with a smile.

"Chicken Parmagiana. Is that something you like?"

"Lil, I have a little Italian in me. It's one of my favorite dishes. What can I do to help you?"

I lift from the couch pulling on Brayden's arm as I used to do when I wanted him to follow me. And just like that, my phone call has been forgotten, and we're working as a team to finish the Parmagiana for dinner.  

Thirty minutes later, another knock at the door pulls Brayden and me from our conversation and wine. This is it.
Everything’s going to be fine. My friends won't go crazy on him.
I hope.

I open my front door to Riley, Courtney, and Gwen. They smile wide and I can see their eyes searching for my mystery guest.

"Is he here?" Riley whispers.

"Yeah. Just please act cool and no embarrassing questions. Oh and don't mention his fiancée." I wince a little as I say the last word. I don't even want to mention Addison even though I know she's right there lingering in the back of my thoughts.

They all promise to be well behaved, so I escort them in my place and head toward Brayden. He turns, and I can hear the girls behind me mutter a
wow
in there. I told you he’s at the top of every one of my “best” lists.

"Brayden, these are my friends Riley, Courtney, and Gwen." I point to them individually. "Girls, this is my friend Brayden Knight."

It looks as though all three of these girls are blushing. I don't think this has ever happened before. I mean one, yeah, but all three...never.

"It's a pleasure to meet you ladies. I hope you're hungry. Lil here makes a mean Parmagiana." Brayden says with his dazzling smile. How could they be immune to such charm?

The dinner goes better than I expected it to. We talked about the enticing position of staff photographer and its upcoming availability, Brayden's job as CEO of his company, and recent guys the girls have met. Courtney made reference to the photo shoot, which made Brayden blush. I'm sure he thought I showed them his picture, which I didn't.

Garret had rehearsals for the Broadway play, but Ryan and Shelby arrived in the middle of the meal and blamed their lateness on Shelby's inability to find a nice outfit. However, I can see the eyes they're giving each other, so I know it has nothing to do with that. I'm just happy to see them enjoying their time together. They did bring dessert, which I failed to make, so they definitely made up for their tardiness in my eyes.

The dessert was a chocolate raspberry mousse cake. My mouth salivated at the sight of the fresh ripe raspberries and chocolate shavings even before we cut individual pieces. However, I would have given anything for a piece of this cake everyday even if my thighs and hips would disapprove. Each perfect triangular piece had four layers. First was a thick chocolate cookie crust followed by a chocolate mousse, a raspberry mousse layer with fresh raspberries, then a white mousse layer topped with a coating of chocolate ganache and raspberries and chocolate shavings. It looked like something out of a magazine, but it was chocolate and raspberries...my very own kryptonite.

"By the way you're looking at your dessert, I'd say you have died and gone to heaven," Brayden says as he slides his palm over the top of my hand covering my knee. I smile trying to hide the feeling I get when I feel the familiar burn of his skin on mine. "If I remember correctly, you are quiet indecent when it comes to anything chocolate. However, raspberries and chocolate...the combination may make you a tad extreme."

I go to tell him it's the sight of his abs with chocolate drizzles and fresh raspberries that could keep me satisfied for days, but stop myself when I hear the ringing of my cell phone. That would have been completely inappropriate, but somehow immensely gratifying to see his reaction to that little thought.

"Excuse me," I say as I stand up from the table to grab my phone from the bar. "Lillian Anderson."

"Lily bug. How are you?" I smile at my father's nickname for me.

"Dad? Why do you sound so tired?"

"I'll be okay. This hospital food is horrendous."

"What hospital? What are you doing in the hospital?" I ask as my voice is laced with worry and loud enough so everyone turns to look at me.

"I just wanted to call you and tell you what's going on. I'm at Tampa General in their cancer center. They're running some tests. I should know something tomorrow morning. Mom didn't want to worry you and neither do I, but I had to call you. It feels it's been so long since we talked."

"Daddy..." I whisper, but as I do, I feel Brayden's hand slide around my waist, and the weight of everything that's happened today comes barreling out of me. Cancer? This is the worst news I've ever gotten.

"Sweetie, please don't cry. I'm going to be fine. I got a lot left in this world. You getting married and giving me grandkids and your sisters too. I didn't want to worry you. I just wanted to talk with you."

I can hear his emotions pouring out of him over the line. My father is the strongest man I know. He's kept a marriage together, loved my mother with a passion, had three daughters, and raised us to be loving, caring, compassionate people. I would be nothing without my father and mother.

"Okay, I love you. Tell mom to call me when y'all hear something alright?"

"Yes, Lily bug. You will be the first to know. I love you too. Talk with you tomorrow."

When I hang up and look into concerned brown eyes, I know I have to see my parents. They need me and I need them. It's been almost four months since I saw them last, and I miss them terribly.

"Is your father alright, Lil?"