Double Blind (11 page)

A weaker one screams:
I can’t do this! I’m just a college kid!

You
will
do this for me. You love me, don’t you?

My heartbeat calms down as I spot Carmine’s slick figure in the dark, VIP room, his arms folded. I walk towards him slowly, and he gives me the same cheerful smile he gives me every weekend.

Smile. Touch him. Do something!

Deep dimples crease his face, along with the faint lines near his eye. “Hello there. You look nice, today.”

Nice. Not beautiful or pretty, just nice. I pulled all the stops with makeup and picked out my most beautiful dress. It clings to my every curve. What’s it going to take to get a decent reaction from this man? He’s wearing a black suit, which reminds me of Vince and makes my heart heavy.

His eyebrows lift. “You all right? You look a little—”

Thinking of Vince makes my throat close, and then it’s hard to speak. I force myself to look into Carmine’s eyes, though. “Yeah.”

Light fingers touch my cheek. Carmine’s face hovers above me, creased with worry. “Tell me.”

Tell me.
That edge of authority in his voice, however slight and tempered with sweetness, reminds me of Vincent. He doesn’t ask. He expects.

“My mother left town without saying goodbye.”

His jaw tics as he looks at me. Of course, Carmine would know all about my mother’s history. He would know why I have a debt to pay. A sudden thought freezes my insides. Maybe he knows who killed my father.

“Tony thinks I told her to leave.” I suddenly hold up a hand over my face, as if I’m overcome with emotion. “I haven’t talked to her in months. It’s just—”

Carmine’s expression is stony and I wonder if I’ve offended him. I turn around to leave, and his hand gently takes mine and pulls me closer. He pulls me right into his arms and holds me tight enough to make me wheeze. I haven’t been hugged like this since I left Vincent. It’s like I forgot how good they feel. I close my eyes and pretend he’s Vince, but the wrong voice speaks into my ear and it shatters my calm.

“I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I don’t think so.” I blush hard when I pull away. I try to avoid his steady, sincere gaze, which is filled with compassion. “Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about it. Just forget I said anything. I’ll get to work and—”

His handsome face cracks with laughter and he shakes his head. “Adriana, you’ve got to learn to
relax
. It’s okay to be upset once in a while.”

He says it with such obvious sincerity that I can’t help but feel light. Even Vince was never this sensitive.

“You’re very sweet.”

“Don’t tell the others,” he says, his eyes beaming.

I smile back at him, affected by warmth in his voice. He really is one of the nicest men I know, and it’s such a shame—
shut up
.

“I’ll just get to work, then.”

He nods and I head towards my table, a little relieved. He’s still watching me when I sit down at my table, and a small thrill of triumph shoots into my chest. I’ve finally got his attention.

But it’s still not enough for Tony.

The brief thrill dies like a flat soda barely sizzling on your tongue.

The night passes by quickly. As usual, there’s no trouble with any of my players and they tip generously. Carmine sweeps past my table several times and I beam at him when he does.

When the night ends, I wait until everyone else has cleared out before approaching Carmine with my chips. I’m bleary eyed and tired from working all night, but I still need to make progress with Carmine to keep Tony happy.

“Thanks.” He takes the box of chips from me, smiling as he briefly looks at its contents. “This is great, Adriana. Well—”

Just fucking do it.

“Do you want to get a drink with me?”

My heart beats violently as Carmine turns towards me, surprise lighting his face.

“Sure,” he says in a mild voice. “I’ll just cash these in and meet you at the bar?”

“Okay.”

Jesus Christ what do I have to do to get through to this guy?

It’s frustrating.

He gives me a curious look, but heads off in the direction of the cashier while I stalk towards the bar. It’s brightly lit and obnoxious, and the completely wrong place for a first date.

He arrives in a breeze of cologne that immediately reminds me of Vince. I force my face into a smile as he sits down next to me. Carmine smiles again as he looks at me, his eyes wrinkling in a way that is almost endearing.

I fucking hate this. I don’t want to do this to him.

He turns his head as the bartender approaches. “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks, please. And she’ll have a—”

“Rum and coke.”

So, now what?

“How’ve you been?” he asks conversationally.

“Good,” I reply automatically, before remembering about my lie. “Well, not really.” I release some of the tension balled up in my chest in a sigh. “My mom and I never really got along much, but still.”

His jaw tics as he stares straight ahead. “Yeah, I know what you mean. My mother and I don’t have the best relationship. I still visit her every month, but any more than that and I go crazy.”

Carmine gives me a good-natured smile. He looks like he’s laughing at his own private joke. Then he reaches forward and his fingers just graze my knee. “So, what’s this about, hon?”

Fuck.

“What do you mean?”

“Why am I here?” An apologetic smile spreads across his face. “You’re always so scared around me.” He turns away from my burning face to take the scotch as it arrives. He takes a measured sip as I wrap my clammy hands around mine.

It’s not you I’m afraid of.

I take a large gulp of my drink as my mind screams in panic. You fucking moron, you nearly screwed this up! “I’m just nervous around you, that’s all.”

Yeah, right.

My face burns deeply as Carmine chuckles into his drink, but I hope that only convinces him that I’ve a crush on him.

“I make you nervous, huh?”

There’s a hint of a smirk in his voice, which gives me hope.

Then he hooks his foot around the metal footrest of my stool and he drags me closer to him. It’s a sudden, sharp jerk and I throw my hands out. They accidentally land on his thighs and I pull them back as if I’ve been burned. His laughter rings in my ears. It’s like nails on chalkboard, but when I look at him, there’s no cruelty on his face.

“Hell, maybe you have a crush on me. I don’t know.” He leans in so close I can count the stubble on his cheek and my chest freezes. “But when I look at you, I see a frightened little girl. A girl who definitely wants something from me. Why don’t you just try asking for it?”

We’re so close, I can feel his breath when he talks. All I have to do is lean in to kiss him, but his expression is unreadable. He sees right through my pathetic act.

I swallow hard and try not to let my eyes water as he stares at me, his breath billowing over my face. “I don’t want anything from you—I just want to get to know you.”

Carmine sits back and grabs the scotch. He tilts his head as he downs it in one shot and slams it against the counter. The noise makes me jump.

“There’s one thing you should know about me, Adriana.” He speaks in a different voice that makes the hair on the back of my head stand up. His eyes pin me to my seat as his voice rises. “I hate liars. It’s insulting and disrespectful. I don’t tolerate that shit, so don’t treat me like I’m some kind of
jamook
you can easily manipulate.”

My hands tremble and I clutch the glass tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to give you one last chance to tell me the truth.”

Stunned, I sit there in silence as Carmine folds his arms and watches me, waiting for me to speak. What do I say? After several moments, he raises his eyebrow.

“Go home, Adriana.” He stands up from the stool and slaps down money for our drinks. Then he turns to me with an impassive look on his face. There’s no smile, no twinkle in his eyes, nothing. “And don’t ever fucking lie to me again.”

* * *

The moment the cold air stings my cheeks and I’m out of the casino, I dig my phone out of my purse to call Vince. After dropping it into my purse a million times, I realize that the screen is black. No battery.

Another letdown. Another failure.

It’s cold. I wrap my arms around myself and shiver as a breeze chills me to the bone. I just cannot fucking believe how badly I’ve failed Vincent.

I’ve killed him.

I’ve killed all of them.

Hopeless fatigue settles over my shoulders. It’s late, and I’m exhausted. I haven’t eaten all day—but all of my pain drops away when I think of Vince’s lifeless body.

I sprint towards the metro and decide take it to Manhattan. At least, I’ll be able to warn him. I only hope I’m not too late. 

Failure. Loser.

How could I screw this up so badly?

Because you were fucking afraid. Your fear of screwing up made you screw up.

Clenching my fist over my dress, I let out a strangled yell that makes half the subway car’s inhabitants glance at me. Then I get out at the wrong stop and I walk six blocks as I wrap my coat around myself. Finally, when I get there I stare at the high-rise apartment with a suffocating sense of loss.

I can’t.

I can’t just give up now, when I’ve barely tried. Vince is counting on me, whether he knows it or not.

My heart races when I realize that I’m giving up on running back to him. I won’t be able to see him again. I won’t hear his loving whisper in my ear, or feel the warmth of his hands stroking my naked flesh.

The giant Macy’s across the street catches my eye and I feel a sudden impulse to go inside. It’s just starting to open. Six a.m. I feel like my head was beaten with a bat.

The bright lights inside the store pierce my eyeballs. Once I walk into the women’s section, my fingers start to itch. It’s been a long fucking time since I’ve stolen something. I never really tracked the exact moment when I stopped, but I know that it had something to do with Vince.

Of course it would. I was fucking happy with him. We were fine, getting ready to be married, and then all of a sudden—boom. It’s all gone. My support system. Gone.

Brightly colored silk shirts shimmer in the harsh lighting. They’re beautiful. I run my fingers through the fabric, which flows between my fingers like water. I grab a few and stuff them into my jacket. I do it so quickly that I don’t even realize what I’ve done until I feel the lump near my stomach. My eyes dart towards the exits and the familiar thrill creeps inside me, driving away all nervous thoughts. I tear the safety strips from the fabric, not caring about the huge holes I’ve made in them. And then I want a huge drink, too. I want a whole bottle. It doesn’t matter what, they all do the trick.

More. I want more.

The brightly colored blouses attract my eye like flashy billboards: STEAL ME! Kate Spade, Michael Kors—they’re all conquests. Bright leather slips into my jacket and I work quickly to wrench the strips out.

“Can I help you?”

A burly African-American man stares at me, his hands resting on his hips.

Oh, shit.

I’m halfway between tearing a security sensor, and my heart stops. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

He purses his lips, his eyes lingering on a carelessly discarded security sensor on the ground. His frown deepens. “Miss, you’re going to have to come with me.”

“No, I think I’ll be going.”

I take several steps towards the exit, and his arm shoots out to grab me. The sudden jerk of his arm jostles me and a purse slips under my jacket, smacking loudly on the floor.

“You’re going to need to come with me,” he repeats.

My face burns and I feel close to tears as he drags me away. It’s the most humiliating moment in my life. He frog marches me into the manager’s office through a series of doors and calls the police. After several minutes of sobbing in the office, I open my coat and fling all of the stolen crap on the floor. They lie on the floor like beautiful, ruined things.

“What’s wrong with you?” the guard asks aggressively. “Stealing wasn’t enough? You had to ruin all the clothes?”

I don’t answer him. I’m too ashamed to look at him.

Then the police officer shows up and handcuffs my hands. I’m led outside the store into the back of a squad car like a common criminal, which I am.

I can’t handle this. I can’t take this. Everything is fucked, and it’s my fault.

Once we’re at the police station, they shove me into a holding cell, and a bit of relief floods through me. Tony can’t get me in here, at least.

What about Vince?

My body slumps onto the stainless steel bed. I’m so tired that I can’t cry.

* * *

“Well, you knew what would happen if you didn’t do your job.”

Tony’s face lights up in the darkness in brief, red flashes as he lights his cigar. It’s like a giant firefly in the night, lighting the wisps of smoke around his face.

“I’m sorry, I tried!”

I’m against a brick wall, tied up in ropes. I can’t budge a muscle as Tony’s round face comes closer and closer.

“I said in the beginning what would happen. You didn’t take it seriously.”

We’re somewhere in the city. The streets are black and slimy with rain. Tony’s huge body blocks it all. His grinning face widens, it seems to go on and on and on.

“What did you say?” I stammer. “In the beginning.”

“I said you would get burned.”

And that glowing, red cigar? He sticks it right into my bare shoulder. I hear the sizzle of flesh, the sharp, burning pain—

Someone pokes my shoulder and I jerk violently, staring into the eyes of a very annoyed cop.

“Geez, kid. I just wanted to tell you that you’re free to go.”

I sit up blearily, my back aching from the rock hard bed. “What?”

“Charges have been dropped. Someone’s waiting for you.”

What? How the hell did that happen?

I walk out of the cell, privately thinking that there must have been a mistake. They caught me in the act. How could the charges be dropped?