Don't Make Me Beautiful (42 page)

“That’s it,” she says, pointing to a dark place.

Brian moves over to it and squints through the darkness.
 
It’s when his eyes become used to the dim lighting that he realizes there are blankets there.
 
Stained blankets.

“Oh shit,” he whispers.
 
“It’s still …”

“I couldn’t ever come out here before,” she says.
 
“And John left it there to torture me.
 
He talked about it sometimes.”

“I have to leave.
 
I’m sorry,” says Agnes, before stepping back into the house.

Nicole stands there, her head held up and her eyes clear.
 
“That’s where my daughter was born.
 
It’s sacred to me.”
 
Her voice is strong.

Helen rubs her back.
 
“You are the strongest woman I know.
 
You went through so much and you came out here to save yourself and her.
 
I’m so pissed you won’t fight that charge.”

“I don’t want to talk about that anymore,” Nicole says, turning around, no anger in her voice.
 
She sounds resigned and … free, for the first time since Brian met her.
 
“I’m ready to go now.”

Brian looks back one more time at the spot in the corner of the garage before joining her and Helen in the front hall.
 
Agnes is out on the porch.

“So, we all ready to go?” asks Brian.

“Ghosts exorcised?” asks Helen.

Nicole nods.
 
“Yep.
 
I’m ready to leave this all behind me.”

They walk out of the house, not bothering to lock up behind them.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

THE MORNING OF THE FUNERAL dawns rainy and gray.
 
It’s a fitting backdrop to the sad affair.
 
Nicole is sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea when Brian walks in with a suit on.

“Wow.
 
You look handsome,” she says.
 
She looks down at the table, embarrassed that the words flew out of her mouth before she could think them through.
 
It’s happening a lot lately.
 
Her bravery is getting the better of her, but try as she might, she can’t hate it.
 
It feels right to speak her mind for a change.

“And you are the most beautiful girl in the whole city today.
 
I’m sure Kitten is looking down on her momma and saying so herself.”
 
He bends down and kisses her head.
 
But he doesn’t move away, instead he clears his throat.

Nicole turns around in her seat and catches him looking very uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“I have something to show you.
 
I’m not sure, though, if you’re going to like it.”

“Where is it?”

“It’s out in the shop.”

Nicole stands.
 
“Of course I’m going to like it.
 
Show me.
 
What is it?”

Brian holds out his hand, silently asking her to follow him.

Nicole goes with Brian to the door leading into the workshop.

He turns to her and says, “I had to do this.
 
It’s not for you.
 
It’s for her.
 
For Kitten.
 
I know if it were Liam … I’d want this.”
 
He opens the door and turns on the light.

In the middle of the room is a very small coffin.

Nicole’s hand flies to her mouth.
 
It trembles as the tears come to run over the back of her fingers.
 
“Oh my god,” she whispers.

“Are you upset?
 
Oh shit, you’re upset.”
 
He shuts off the light.

“No!” she screams, scrambling for the switch.
 
“Turn it on!”

Their fingers reach the switch at the same time and the light goes on again.
 
Nicole steps down into the shop and makes her way across the sawdust-covered floor to the place where the work of art rests.

Her hand comes away from her face and hovers over the wood.
 
It wavers there, shaking, for the briefest of moments before she lowers it to the warm wood.

It’s been buffed to a high gloss with inlays of different types of wood making it have swirls and shapes of different colors.
 
On the top is an inlaid daisy.
 
Nicole traces the design with her finger.
 
“I can’t believe you did this.”

“Are you mad?” Brian asks, coming over to stand next to her.

“Of course I’m not mad,” she responds, glancing up at him for a moment before going back to touching the scalloped edges and soft rounded corners.
 
“It’s gorgeous.
 
It’s … like something for a princess.”

“Or a little girl who didn’t get her chance,” he says softly.

Nicole turns and sees the tears in his eyes.
 
“You’re crying.”

“Of course.
 
I have my little man.
 
You lost your little girl.
 
It’s not fair.
 
It’s just not fair.”
 
He turns around, throwing his forearm up across his eyes.
 
“Shit. Sorry.
 
I was supposed to save these for the funeral.”

“Are we going to use this?” Nicole asks, giving him space to gather himself.
 
She can’t seem to move away from the coffin for anything, not even to ease his pain.
 
It’s like she’s already inside, even though she knows Kitten is at the funeral home.

“If you want.
 
Only if you want.
 
I finished it last night while you were sleeping.”

“I want to.
 
I want her to have this.”

“Then I need to get it loaded up.
 
I worked it out with the funeral home.
 
They said they could transfer her in, but only if we get there an hour early.”

Nicole spins around.
 
“I’m ready now.
 
Right now.”

Brian nods once.
 
“Fine.”
 
He digs the keys out of his pocket.
 
“Turn the car around and back it in, okay?
 
I’ll get it ready to load.”

Nicole hits the button to open up the garage door and rushes to the car.
 
Forward movement.
 
I love my daughter.
 
If she can’t be with me, I want her to have a goodbye that is as beautiful as she was.
 
The sick feeling she had in the pit of her stomach is just a little less painful than it was ten minutes ago.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

THE FUNERAL HOME HOSTS A very small, private service attended only by Brian, Helen, Agnes, Nicole’s attorney and Nicole herself.
 
She asked that Liam not be there, and Brian was in full agreement.
 
His son is happily spending the day at a baseball game with Hank.

Brian stares at the coffin and Nicole’s back as she rests in front of it on her knees.
 
She’s staring at the top of it and resting her hand on the daisy he inlaid there, his work of art and the only piece of woodworking he’s done that made him cry from beginning to end.

In a way it was therapeutic.
 
All the anger, pain, and frustration he experienced helping Nicole through her trauma was channeled into that project.
 
He started it the day he learned about Kitten, selecting the wood and drawing out the concept, and with every hour that he cut and mitered and glued and sanded and varnished, the tragedy became easier to bear. The sense of unfairness never left, but he expects that it never will.

His own love for his boy has grown stronger, and he cherishes their time together more than he would have thought possible.
 
Silver linings are never good enough to make up for the clouds, but they do have their place in the scheme of things.

Nicole stands and comes over to join Brian, taking the seat next to him.
 
Everyone has tissues out and they’re using them up quickly.
 
A priest Agnes introduced them to says a few words, and then Helen stands.
 
She walks to the front of the room and faces the few people in the chairs, but her eyes are for Nicole only.

“I never met Kitten,” she says.
 
“I wish I had.
 
I know if I had, I would have seen that she has beautiful eyes like her mom’s.
 
She would have smiled a lot and laughed a lot and said silly things when she was old enough.
 
And she would have loved her momma, because Nicole is smart, and funny, and above all things, loving.
 
She’s made it through a terrible ordeal and come out a whole, interesting, and strong woman on the other side.
 
I know Kitten is in heaven looking down with pride on her, like we all are.”

She has more to say, but she can’t do it.
 
The tears take over and she has to move to her seat.
 
Brian’s heart is full of pride for his ex-wife, his friend.
 
She has a huge heart, and even though she tries to hide it behind a tough exterior, he knows it’s as soft as a marshmallow.
 
He nods at her when she looks over.

Nicole stands and goes to the coffin.
 
Resting her hand on the top, she turns to face the group in front of her.

Brian stares at her, looking her in the eyes, trying to let her know with the strength of his gaze how much he cares about her and believes in her.

“I remember holding her in my arms.
 
It wasn’t for a long time, but it was enough to fall in love.
 
She had the sweetest little bald head.
 
I don’t know if I mentioned that before.
 
It was pink, after I wiped it off.
 
I kissed her over and over, and I remember the feeling of peach-fuzz where there should have been hair.”
 
She smiles sadly, her eyes getting a far away look.
 
“I always wondered if my kids would be born with hair when I was little, and then there she was, bald as a cue ball.”
 
Nicole looks at the coffin as she continues.
 
“And her fingers were tiny, tiny.
 
She held onto me with them.
 
I remember her grip.
 
It was strong.”
 
She takes a deep, wavering breath and then lets it out slowly as she looks back at her audience.
 
“Kitten and I want to thank all of you for standing by us and helping us get this far.
 
And we want to especially thank Brian for giving her this beautiful princess bed to sleep in for the rest of her years on this earth, before her body disappears and becomes a part of the dust she came from.”
 
She rubs the top of the coffin.
 
Her last words are whispered, shared only with the little girl in the box.
 
“Goodbye, Kitten.
 
I love you.
 
I’ll miss you forever.”

Chapter Sixty

NICOLE IS SLEEPING WHEN BRIAN’S cell phone rings.
 
He rushes to answer it so she won’t hear it through her closed door and wake up.

“Hello, this is Brian,” he says in a hushed voice as he moves down the hallway towards the living room.

“Brian, hi this is Gary, Nicole’s attorney.”
 
He sounds distracted, maybe angry.

“Hey, Gary.
 
Nicole’s asleep right now.
 
She’s exhausted from the service and the burial.
 
Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Actually, yes.”
 
He hisses out a loud breath of air before continuing.

Brian gets the weird impression that the guy’s not making a professional call exactly.
 
There’s something off in his tone…

“There’s just … something’s been bugging the shit out of me since the service today, and I can’t get it off my mind.
 
I guess I just want someone to either talk me off the ledge or tell me to call in the cavalry or something.”

Brian frowns.
 
This is the last thing he expected to hear from Nicole’s lawyer; he’s definitely not in his regular all-business mode. Something has him really upset, and as much as Brian would like to never have to talk to the guy again, he can’t help but ask.
 
“Okay, shoot.
 
What’s on your mind?”

“Remember today when Nicole was saying her peace at the service?”

“Yeah…”
 
Brian can’t for the life of him figure out where this conversation is going, but it’s clear the guy is freaked out.

“And she went on and on about the baby’s bald head, right?
 
Or did I just imagine that?”

“No, it’s true.
 
She did say a couple things about it.
 
Why?
 
What does it matter?”

“Have you read the coroner’s report?”

“No.”
 
Brian suddenly gets goosebumps.
 
Something is very wrong.
 
He can feel it and he can hear it in Gary’s tone.

“I’m going to email it to you right now.
 
I don’t want to say anything until you read it.
 
Give me your address.”

Brian rattles it off and then strides over to his computer, bringing up his email account.
 
His inbox has several new messages, but another new one pops up as soon as he refreshes the page.
 
“Wow, you’re fast.”

“Never doubt the skills of a motivated attorney.
 
Read the attachment.”

Brian double-clicks the document file that’s attached.
 
“What am I looking at here?”
 
His eyes scan the pages, trying to figure out what the big deal is.