Don't Let Me Go (45 page)

With a roll of her eyes, Mel said, ‘Let’s put it this way, there was up until an hour ago. Whether she’ll come back is anyone’s guess. I’d say probably not until she’s hungry or can’t find anywhere else to spend the night, which is when she usually shows up.’

Knowing this was a fairly typical story with emergency carers, but never particularly enjoying hearing it, Tracy asked, ‘How old is the girl? How long has she been here?’

‘She’s fourteen, and Alice brought her a couple of days ago, but it’s not the first time we’ve had her. She’s in and out of here as often as the bloody postman, and right little tramp she is too, but obviously no fault of her own. You have to blame the parents, don’t you, or rents as they call ’em these days. And the boy we’ve got’s no better. He’s only ten and I’m telling you he’d stab you as soon as look at you, which is why his old man’s been shipped off to jail. Got done for sticking the missus, who’s still in hospital recovering. Should be out tomorrow or the next day, he can go home again then. So what’s your girl’s story? Anything I should know about?’

‘It’s complicated,’ Tracy hedged, ‘but she’s definitely not going to stab you, or run off and not come back.’

Mel nodded and coughed again. ‘No, well, she’s a bit small for all that, in’t she? The cute mute is what Dave’s calling her, and I suppose it about fits. All I’ve heard her say so far is “don’t pull my hair” like I was going to do that.’

‘Why did she say it?’ Tracy asked cautiously.

‘I don’t bloody well know, you’ll have to ask her.’

Wondering if Chloe had reacted to a fear from her past, Tracy said, ‘She’s still in a state of trauma at the moment, so you need to go gently with her and don’t press her too hard to speak. The psychologists and therapists have everything in hand, they’ll be starting work with her as soon as their assessments are done,’ and leaving Mel to a fresh bronchial attack, she returned to the bedroom to find Chloe with crumbs down her front and an empty carton of orange clutched in one hand.

‘Was that nice?’ she asked, taking the carton away. ‘Would you like some more?’ Though the additional supplies were for the little boy she was due to see on her return to Kesterly, she gave them up readily when Chloe nodded. She could always stop at a garage to pick up something else. ‘OK, so you eat that nicely now,’ she said, unwrapping another Jaffa cake, ‘and like I said, I’ll be back for you on Thursday.’

She’d be all right until then, she reassured herself, as she waved from the door. It was only three days, and then she’d be off to . . . Well, to someone else Tracy didn’t know called Jane, but that was what happened when they had to place children out of the area.

What was going on with the adoption proceedings? Tracy wondered as she got into her car. Had Tommy managed to exert some influence on high to get them delayed? She hadn’t had a chance to ask him before he left; if she had, she’d have told him that she was now firmly of the opinion that finding a good adoptive family for Chloe would be the best way to go.

She’d have a chat with Wendy as soon as she found the time. Maybe together they could persuade them upstairs that the best interests of the child were not being served by this delay.

Coming up behind Charlotte at the kitchen sink, Anthony slipped his arms around her and bent to kiss her neck.

‘Mm,’ she murmured, leaning back into him. ‘Are you sure you want to keep doing that? You know what happened the last time, and I thought you wanted to be on the four o’clock train.’

Laughing, he straightened up and turned her to face him. ‘I should be back by tomorrow evening, Saturday at the latest,’ he reminded her.

‘And then you’re going fishing with Ron and a couple of other friends, so I won’t actually see you until Sunday. It’s OK, I’ll survive.’

‘Ah, but will I?’ he countered, touching his mouth to hers.

As the kiss deepened and their seemingly unquenchable desire flared all over again, he said, ‘You’re making this very difficult, you know.’

‘Really? It feels pretty easy to me,’ she murmured back.

With a droll raise of his eyebrows he finally let her go, and forced himself back to the sitting room to pack up the laptop and papers he’d spread out over the much larger table they’d bought earlier in the week. As yet there were still only two dining chairs, but they’d ordered four more, due to arrive next Tuesday, in time for Ron and Maggie to come for dinner.

‘No point trying to keep anything secret from my sister,’ he’d said, after inviting them, ‘of course she’d guessed anyway and is as thrilled as I thought she’d be. So now,’ he’d continued teasingly, ‘provided we can behave ourselves in company, I think we should follow up with an invitation for your sister and brother-in-law. Have you told them about us yet?’

The question alone had made Charlotte’s heart leap with all kinds of excitement, while its implications sent her hopes, her dreams into total chaos. She loved the way he spoke so easily, so confidently of their relationship, in spite of having to keep it a secret from the world at large. It was as if he’d already made up his mind that it was exactly what they both wanted, and God knew she did, how could she not when she was already completely mad about him? She just couldn’t help being mindful of all the reasons why, in the long term, it simply couldn’t work. He wasn’t blind to them either, obviously, but try as she might she couldn’t persuade him to discuss them.

‘I’m insane,’ she’d told Gabby only yesterday on the phone, while he was out buying the papers. ‘I should never have let this happen. I hardly know what I’m thinking from one minute to the next, and if he tells me one more time to
stop thinking
I’m going to flippin’ well crown him.’

Laughing, Gabby said, ‘I think I might be in love with him myself, if he’s managing to boss you around. Honestly, you really need to ease up. OK, everything feels in crisis to you right now . . .’

‘How can it not be when my freedom and a little girl’s life are at stake?’

‘But Chloe’s life isn’t at stake. No one’s going to kill her, or abuse her, or in any way neglect her while she’s in care . . .’

‘Which just goes to show how much you know!’ Charlotte cried. ‘Oh God, I hardly know what to do I’m so worried about her, and even if I did my hands are tied, or my ankle is braceleted, and then I start doubting myself in a way that drives me out of my mind. Am I really the person she should be with? Would someone else be better for her? Do I have any idea about what children need?’

‘Will you stop,’ her mother had commanded when she’d poured out the same stream of fears to her. (Anthony had been in the bath then, listening to the radio news with the door closed.) ‘Darling, I understand how anxious you feel about Chloe . . .’

‘It’s not only that, Mum. What if I end up in prison? I can’t expect him to wait for me or come and visit. Oh my God, even to think of it . . .’

‘He’s not exactly ignorant of the situation you’re in,’ her mother pointed out. ‘Now, please try to calm down and think more rationally. Your worst nightmares are not coming true today, they might not even come true in the future, so the important thing is to enjoy what’s happening now and try to trust to the fact that everything is meant to be, and that on a level we can’t actually see, or even understand, it is all working out perfectly.’

Her mother’s favourite mantra,
everything is meant to be. It is all working out perfectly
was a new one on Charlotte. To her surprise it had kind of had the desired effect, because she’d definitely been a bit calmer since their chat.

She just felt so damned guilty about being happy with Anthony, when Chloe might be missing her and longing for her in a way she could do nothing about.

‘You’re frowning,’ Anthony informed her.

Turning to find him leaning against the door frame, she felt her heart lurch pleasurably simply to look at him. ‘Actually I was thinking about how much I’m going to miss you,’ she sighed, coming to put her arms around him. ‘And wondering how on earth I’m going to fill the time.’

Sliding his hands to her bottom to pull her in closer, he said, ‘I thought Gabby was coming up for the day tomorrow?’

‘She is, and I’m meeting Maggie on Saturday while you’re flinging your rods about, and I was thinking I should probably have another look at my statement.’

‘Not a bad idea,’ he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead, ‘it’ll be good for you to have everything straight in your mind.’

‘The papers are due to be served next Friday,’ she stated flatly, as if he didn’t already know.

‘Indeed they are, so we’ll know then how the prosecution’s shaping up its case. I’m not worried, and I promise, you don’t need to be either – unless there’s something you haven’t told me.’

She managed a smile at the tease in his voice. ‘You know everything there is to know about me,’ she assured him. ‘Which,’ she added playfully, ‘is more than I can say about you.’

‘Wow, is that the time already?’ he replied, glancing at his watch.

She eyed him meaningfully.

‘I’ve never been much good at talking about myself,’ he confessed, ‘but I’m sure Maggie’s told you all the juicy stuff.’

‘Possibly, but it’s the deepest, darkest secrets I’m after.’

His eyebrows shot up. ‘Are you kidding? I want you to fall madly in love with me, not go running scared to the other side of the world,’ and before she could respond to that, he kissed her full on her open mouth, picked up his overnight bag and left.

‘Mum! I’m sorry to wake you,’ Charlotte whispered into the phone, ‘but I need to know, do you think it’s possible to fall in love in less than a week?’

Laughing sleepily, Anna said, ‘Darling, it can take less than a heartbeat and you know it, so what’s happened?’

‘Nothing. I mean, it was something Anthony said . . . He’s gone to London now, but he’s left me in a bit of a spin.’

‘So what did he say?’

After repeating it, Charlotte said, ‘So was he saying he doesn’t want me to go back to New Zealand once it’s all over – I mean, if I’m not in prison?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Anna replied. ‘I guess it sounds that way, but he could have just been teasing, because it’s what you did the last time he showed an interest in you.’

‘Mm, I did, didn’t I, but the circumstances were a bit different then.’

‘True. Why don’t you ask him?’

‘No! No, I can’t do that. If it was just a throwaway line, and I’m sure it was, he’ll think I’m getting too serious.’

‘But you are serious.’

‘Am I?’

‘Aren’t you?’

‘Yes, I suppose so, but he might not be . . .’

‘Darling, he’s postponed his round-the-world trip for you; he’s taken on your case, and he’s practically moved in with you. So exactly what part of that doesn’t sound serious to you?’

Charlotte’s insides were fluttering wildly as she broke into a smile. ‘When you put it like that . . .’

‘I can’t think of any other way to put it, but given time I’m sure you’ll find a problem in there somewhere.’

‘Well, the problem’s pretty obvious, really. What’s going to happen when the trial’s over and he has a convicted criminal for a partner who he might only get to see every other Sunday for the next seven years?’

‘There you go again, writing your own future when life might have other plans completely. Just let things happen, darling. You’re not in the driving seat over this, whether you like it or not, so my advice is to take a deep breath, think of how happy he’s making you and let him do what he has to to get you through this. Remember, he’s as keen for a positive outcome as you are.’

Faintly dizzied by how wonderful that made her feel, Charlotte said, ‘Of course. And he keeps saying he’s not worried, so there’s no reason for me to be either, except it’s my freedom, my life, that’s at stake here. And Chloe’s. She’s who really matters, and I keep feeling as though she’s getting lost in all this . . .’

‘Just because you’re not thinking about her every minute of every day doesn’t mean she’s getting lost.’

‘No, I realise that, but not seeing her, not knowing anything about her . . . It’s hard to put into words . . .’

‘Then stop trying,’ her mother chided gently. ‘And try to remember that Chloe’s life journey is her own. I know that’s hard to deal with, especially when it’s proving so harsh; believe me, I don’t find it easy either, but whatever she’s been put on this earth to experience is a part of her karma, her destiny. Just as it was mine to lose my family the way I did, and yours to be brought up by the rector and his wife. I’ve no idea why things happen the way they do, but I do know that if I hadn’t lost everyone I love I’d never have met Bob. And if I’d brought you up the way I should have, you might never have gone into social work. And if you hadn’t chosen that path Chloe wouldn’t have come into your life.’

‘So there has to be a reason for
why
she did. It can’t just have been to make her feel safe and loved for such a short time, only to have it snatched away again. That would be too cruel. How could she possibly deserve that?’

‘I’m not sure it’s about deserving, unless, as some people believe, we’re paying for mistakes from a past life. If that is the case, then some of us have to pay higher prices than others.’

‘So you don’t think we’re masters of our own destinies? You believe that no matter what we say or do, there’s some greater force at work that has it all mapped out and so we might as well stop pretending we can change anything, because we can’t?’ Charlotte sounded sceptical.

‘I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you this: we are able to change the way we think about things, or how we deal with them, and one of the most harmful traits in our characters is resistance. That’s not to say we should just roll over and let things happen to us, because sometimes we can make a difference. But there are always going to be situations that are beyond our control, and to resist what’s happening can cause so much more anger and pain. As much, if not more, than letting our imaginations run away with us, the way you so often do with Chloe.’

‘And you didn’t with me, after you’d given me up?’

‘Of course I did, but eventually I learned what I’m telling you now, that accepting what is, and letting go of what might be, is a far easier way of getting to the end of a difficult road than seeing obstacles that aren’t even there.’