Don't Let Me Go (10 page)

‘Is Uncle Rick coming?’ Danni asked, clearly having listened to the phone call.

Bob glanced at Shelley. ‘I don’t know what he’s doing, sweetheart,’ he replied gravely. ‘I’m hoping he might enlighten us as to that when he gets here.’

Immediately after ringing off at her end, Charlotte rang Rick’s mobile. ‘I’ve just spoken to your dad and my mum,’ she told him when he answered. ‘I’m not sure what’s happened, but neither of them sounded happy.’

Sighing, he said, ‘Why doesn’t that surprise me?’

‘I didn’t think it would, but if you start getting into some kind of fight with your dad now, while you’re this hungover, you might end up saying things you’ll later regret. So I don’t think you should go to the lodge.’

‘How did I ever manage my life without you?’

‘I often wonder. Have you spoken to Katie this morning?’

‘I tried a couple of minutes ago, but she hung up on me. I probably ought to wait until I’ve properly sobered up before I go over there.’

‘Not a bad idea. Is it your intention to tell your dad anything today?’

‘I’m not sure. Of course I could always tell no one at all.’

‘Sorry, not an option. We agreed somewhere between the second and third bottle last night that even if you aren’t going to fess up for yourself, you’re going to do it for Hamish.’

‘Did I say that?’

‘You did, and if you love him as much as you say you do . . .’

‘Oh God, did I tell you that too? What did you put in that wine?’

She smiled fondly. ‘You told me a lot more than that, and he sounds wonderful, but you can’t expect him to carry on . . .’

‘All right, all right, I hear you. God, you’re bossy.’

‘Believe me, I haven’t even started. When are you flying back to Auckland?’

‘First thing tomorrow.’

‘OK, I’ll call you after Mum’s been over. Meantime, why don’t you ring Hamish and let him know that you’re halfway out?’

‘You think you’re so funny.’

‘You’re right, I do,’ she laughed. ‘Speak later,’ and as she put the phone down she waited for an alcohol-induced dizzy spell to pass before putting on the kettle to make more coffee.

A few minutes later she was standing outside, holding her face up to a refreshing mizzle of rain and inhaling the acrid-sweet smell rising from the hillsides as the parched earth drank in the moisture. It was badly needed, but wasn’t going to be nearly enough to slake the real thirst of the land, or to save Bob from having to order more water for the household tanks.

Hearing the sound of a car door slamming she waited for Chloe to come flying down the slope, already perking up at the prospect of her sunny little smile and the pleasing weight of her in her arms. It was good that she’d spent the night away, but at the same time, Charlotte couldn’t help hoping it wouldn’t happen too often. She’d missed her, in spite of having Rick for company.

When only her mother appeared she experienced a bolt of alarm. ‘Where is she?’ she cried, already on the brink of panic. Her mother had sounded serious on the phone; Shelley hadn’t brought Chloe back here; something must have happened to her.

Waiting until she was crossing the footbridge, Anna said, ‘Shelley’s taken her to the Stone Store so I can speak to you alone. I’ll go and pick her up after, unless you want to go yourself.’

Feeling herself bristle at her mother’s tone, Charlotte turned back into the kitchen and quickly pushed last night’s empty bottles out of sight. ‘Would you like some coffee?’ she offered, as Anna came in. ‘Or tea?’

‘Thanks, I’ll have tea.’

As she busied herself with making it Charlotte waited for her mother to speak, but it wasn’t until she put the cup on the table that Anna finally said, ‘Exactly what’s going on between you and Rick?’

Charlotte’s eyes flashed. ‘What do you mean,
going on
?’ she snapped.

‘He stayed here last night . . .’

‘Yes! Is there some kind of law against it? Are you saying I need to check with you first if I have guests?’

Anna sighed, as though stepping away from the belligerence. ‘He’s engaged to be married,’ she said.

Charlotte watched her, feeling nauseous and guilty and irrationally angry.

‘You’re not making this easy,’ Anna told her.

Charlotte’s demons were still raging. ‘Making what easy?’ she demanded. ‘Exactly what are you trying to say? You think I’m having an affair with him, is that it?’

‘I’m just trying to . . .’

‘Well, what if I am? There’s nothing to say . . .’

‘He’s your stepbrother, for God’s sake, and at risk of repeating myself, he’s engaged to Katie.’

Putting her hands on the table, Charlotte said, ‘Are you really that blind? Are you telling me that you honestly can’t see what’s staring you right in the face?’

Anna met her challenge unflinchingly, but in the end she was the first to look away.

‘You do know, don’t you?’ Charlotte said bluntly.

Anna swallowed. ‘I think so,’ she replied.

Feeling a surprising sense of relief, as though it was her own secret that was finally out, Charlotte pulled back a chair and sat down facing her mother. ‘There’s nothing wrong with it,’ she stated. ‘He’s still the same person we all know and love. It doesn’t change anything about him . . .’

‘I know that, but Bob . . . It’ll be hard for him . . .’

‘Says who? Why won’t anyone let him speak for himself?’

‘Because Bob’s a man’s man, a traditionalist, and finding out that his son’s . . . That he’s . . .’

‘The word is gay.’

Anna’s eyes sharpened. ‘You think you have it all sorted out, don’t you,’ she said tartly, ‘that all you have to do is decide it’s time the truth was out and that everything will be just fine. Well it doesn’t work like that, Charlotte. There are people’s feelings to consider . . .’

‘Of course there are, but why should Rick have to hide who he is? Can’t you see that the longer he goes on pretending, the more hurt everyone’s going to be . . .’

‘Listen,’ Anna cut in angrily, ‘you’ve hardly been here five minutes, and if it’s your plan to turn this family inside out . . .’

‘What are you talking about, turn the family inside out? I deeply resent that comment, when I’ve done everything I can to try and fit in, to build a home here for me and Chloe, to create a new life for us . . .’

‘I know, I know, I’m sorry. I should have chosen my words more carefully. I just don’t want you involved in any upset that might come about because of this. In fact, given the position you’re in, don’t you think it would be wiser to keep your head down and mind your own business? At least until you’ve been here for a year or two. It might also be a good idea to cut down on the drinking. I understand why you feel you need it, but it’s not the answer. If anything you’re going to end up making things a hundred times worse . . .’

‘Please tell me exactly how they could be any worse,’ Charlotte broke in hotly. ‘Here I am in your little piece of paradise, loving it just like you said I would, but it doesn’t mean everything else has just gone away.’

‘Of course it doesn’t, but if the past is going to come to find us we’ll deal with it then. Meantime, there’s no reason to think it will, and if you carry on like this you’re going to end up having some sort of breakdown. And where would Chloe be then?’

Charlotte was already starting to snap a reply before realising she didn’t have one.

‘You owe it to her to pull yourself together and give her the life she deserves,’ Anna pressed on. ‘You can’t change what went before, none of us can, but you only have to look at her now to see how she’s come on during these last few months. She’s a different child to the one she was when she first arrived. OK, she still has problems, but we’ll work on them when the time is right and I’m sure we’ll get past them. The question is, when are we going to face what’s going on with you?’

‘Nothing’s going on with me. I’m fine . . .’

‘Oh, Charlotte . . .’

‘Just stop, will you?’ Charlotte cried, throwing out her hands. ‘I know Chloe’s doing great. I spend virtually every minute of every day making sure of it, and I’ll continue to do it, because she’s mine and I love her and nothing matters to me more than her. I’d never let anything bad happen to her. God knows, I’d never go off and leave her the way you left me when I was her age.’

As the words fell between them like stones a horrible, echoing silence followed.

‘So here we have it,’ Anna said quietly in the end.

Charlotte turned her face away.

‘You know the reasons why I had to leave you,’ Anna continued, ‘and you know very well how deeply I regret it . . .’

‘Do you?’ Charlotte snapped. ‘What were you doing all those years I was growing up with a mother who didn’t really want me? Don’t worry, I can answer that for you. You were bringing up somebody else’s children; that’s what you were doing. You let Rick and Shelley take the place of me and my brother, because it was easier to do that than to face up to what had happened to us.’

Anna’s face had turned deathly pale. ‘If that’s what you’re telling yourself . . .’

‘Tell me I’m wrong.’

Anna simply stared down at her hands.

‘You can’t, can you, because I’m right. You blocked us out of your mind like we didn’t exist.’

‘Charlotte, stop, please.’

‘The truth is hard, isn’t it?’

‘Yes it is, but the way you’re telling it . . .’

‘What other way is there?’

Anna met her gaze. ‘We’ve been through it, but if you need to go through it again . . .’

Charlotte shook her head. ‘No, no I don’t,’ she said bleakly.
Why do I keep feeling the need to punish her
? she was asking herself desperately.
Hasn’t she suffered enough? Haven’t we both? She loves me, I know she does, but every time I feel her coming close I just want to push her away.

‘I’ve known Rick and Shelley since they were ten and eight,’ Anna said softly, ‘so I won’t apologise for loving them, but they’ve never taken the place of you and Hugo. You’re a mother yourself now, so surely you understand that no one will ever be able to do that.’

Inexplicably angry that she’d brought Chloe into this, Charlotte was about to respond with words she knew would hurt when the phone started to ring. Avoiding her mother’s eyes she went to it, and kept her back turned as she said, ‘Hello?’

‘Hi babe, it’s me,’ Shelley told her. ‘I think it’s all proving a bit much for our little angel with all these tourists and strangers about. She wants her mummy . . .’

‘Tell her I’m on my way,’ Charlotte interrupted, already reaching for her keys. ‘I have to go,’ she said to her mother as she rang off.

Anna nodded and got to her feet. ‘Please will you consider coming to talk to someone with me?’ she asked as she stepped outside and waited for Charlotte to close the door.

Charlotte put up her hood and started towards the footbridge. Since the awful turmoil of emotions where her mother was concerned was impossible to fathom on her own, maybe she should agree to some counselling. Provided all they discussed was what had happened in the past, and didn’t venture forward to today, where would be the harm? For her there was probably nothing to fear and everything to gain; for her mother, who’d been hospitalised for almost a year following the brutal attack that had robbed her of the rest of her family, it would be an excruciating experience. And yet she was prepared to go through it in order to make things right between them.

Charlotte simply couldn’t let her. It would be cruel and selfish of her even to consider it. So no, somehow she was going to make herself let go of the resentment, or whatever was driving this wedge between them, and ensure her mother never had to live through the sheer hell of that time again.

The Stone Store, along with the mission house, was Kerikeri’s main tourist attraction, sitting in small grandeur on the edge of town between the river basin and Hongi Hika Recreation Reserve. To Charlotte it looked rather like a child’s drawing of a house with two windows either side of a central front door, three windows upstairs, a red tiled roof and tall brick chimney. It was held to be the region’s oldest building, constructed in the early eighteen hundreds by a Maori workforce to hold mission supplies and wheat for the settlers. Today it was a thriving gift shop selling everything from T-shirts, to jewellery, to Kiwiana-inspired homewares on the ground floor, while the upper level was reserved for offices, storerooms and the occasional guided tour of old artefacts.

Leaving her car next to the river Charlotte splashed across the road through the rain, waited impatiently for a group of Chinese to spill out of the door, and ran inside.

Spotting her from behind the counter, Shelley pointed her in the right direction and carried on serving her customer while Charlotte moved swiftly across the shop to the stairs. Chloe was halfway up, hunched in close to the wall with her face buried in her knees and her arms around her head. Boots sat next to her.

‘Hey you,’ Charlotte called gently.

Chloe looked up and choking on a sob of relief she grabbed Boots and flew into Charlotte’s arms. ‘Mummy,’ she gasped, wrapping herself so tightly around Charlotte it was as though she was trying to get inside her skin.

‘It’s all right, I’m here,’ Charlotte soothed, squeezing her back. ‘Shall we take you home now?’

Feeling Chloe’s head nodding, Charlotte turned back down the stairs and carried her over to Shelley.

‘Thanks for taking care of her,’ she said, as soon as Shelley was alone. ‘And I’m sorry it fell to you.’

‘Don’t be,’ Shelley responded, waving a dismissive hand. ‘How’re you feeling? It looked like you two tied one on pretty good last night when I stopped by earlier.’

Charlotte pulled a face. ‘Let’s just say I’ve felt better,’ she confessed. ‘Was Chloe OK? Did she sleep through?’

‘She did brilliantly, didn’t you, my darling?’ Shelley replied, running a hand over Chloe’s head. ‘She wasn’t any trouble at all, but that Boots, well he’s a right chatterbox, isn’t he?’

Chloe folded the bear more closely to her, and kept her face pressed into Charlotte’s shoulder.

‘I’m sorry,’ Shelley whispered, ‘I know I shouldn’t have brought her here with all these people around, but Anna was really keen to talk to you . . .’