Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories (19 page)

‘Umm … I don't have much in there.' It's true. I spent nearly all of my money on Brains' jungle juice.

‘Yep,' he says. ‘That's what I thought.'

Rhi, Savannah and Kane walk up and now it's Kane's turn for the third degree. While they're chatting, Rhi and Savannah lead me a few metres away. ‘What did Dad say?' they both ask at the same time.

‘Uhh … he said that you looked cute.'

‘Really?' says Savannah. ‘He didn't offer to sell us?'

I shake my head. I don't want them to feel bad for having a crazy dad.

‘Good,' says Rhi, ‘because that's what he says to boys he doesn't like.'

What the …? The bloke obviously doesn't know awesomeness when it's standing right in front of him.

‘If he really likes you,' continues Savannah, ‘he'll invite you around to see his gun collection.'

‘What's it like?' I say.

‘Big.'

‘Time to split, girls.' Speak of the devil. Or in this case, the ‘Angel'.

Rhi gives me a hug. ‘Thanks for the dance.'

Her dad fixes me with a death stare.

‘Anytime,' I tell Rhi. Well, anytime that her dad isn't watching.

‘How was Mr Bushy?' I ask Kane as we watch them leave.

‘Seemed like a nice bloke. Asked me around on Saturday to see his gun collection.'

I can't believe this. Or maybe I can. The dad must be more worried about me because I'm better looking.

‘He asked me too, but I said I couldn't make it,' I say.

‘Why?'

‘It's just that …' I hesitate. ‘Don't worry. It's nothing.'

‘What is it?' asks Kane.

I lean closer. ‘Rhi said the last boy who saw his gun collection “accidentally” shot himself in the foot.'

Kane freezes. ‘No bull?'

‘Yeah, but it probably won't happen to you.' I pat him on the back. ‘But I'd wear steel-capped boots, just in case.'

Kane's face goes pale. I chuckle on the inside. Until someone slaps me on the back.

‘Oww!' I nearly hit the roof. They got me right on the zit!

‘I didn't know I was so strong,' says Simon. ‘Must be all those push-ups I'm doing.'

Kane laughs and says, ‘Your little bro's actually kinda funny.'

I don't answer. I'm too busy planning my revenge on Simon. But it will have to wait because Lacey takes my arm and says, ‘Time for my dance, big Rossy.'

I think about saying no but after warming up with Rhi, I'm in a dancing mood. Besides, maybe I can make Simon a little jealous. Lacey pulls me past the bubble machine and into the middle of the floor. We bop along to a pop song.

‘Saw you getting pretty cosy with one of the Canadian twins,' she says.

I smile, glad someone noticed besides Rhi's dad and Mr Garrahy.

‘Do you like her?' asks Lacey.

Something about Lacey always makes me want to tell the truth. It's probably because we've been friends for so long. ‘I think I do.'

‘That's cool.' But she doesn't sound very happy for me.

‘Is something wrong?' I ask.

‘Well …' She stops.

‘What?'

‘Can I trust you not to say anything to Simon?'

‘Of course.'

She dances a little closer to me. ‘I think I'm having second thoughts about choosing little Rossy, if you know what I mean.'

I'm shocked. I've been waiting for her to say this for weeks. But now with Rhi around, it's not so simple.

‘Forget it,' she says. ‘Let's just dance.'

She grabs my hips and locks her eyes onto mine. I raise my eyebrows, surprised, but quickly get over it and put my hands on her waist. Lacey's a great dancer and we sync to the rhythm of the song – not moving our feet much but swaying from side to side, creating some body heat.

The song ends and before we let each other go, Lacey whispers into my ear, ‘You'll always be my first crush.'

She's not saying she wants me back and I don't even know if I want her to. But she is saying that I'm special. And for tonight, that's enough.

Kane isn't around so I head over to chat with Brains.

‘Look at Mr Popular,' he says. ‘Thanks to my invention you've danced with two girls who are waaaay out of your league.'

‘What are you talking about, Brains? I'm in the league of legends.'

‘Yeah. A legend in your own mind.' He laughs at his own joke. ‘Look, Rossy, I've got some special drink left so you may as well have it.'

‘Thanks.'

‘Half-price.'

‘No way.'

‘Okay, I'm in a good mood. Make it a buck.'

A dollar is all I've got left and I'm feeling thirsty. What the heck? I skol it. It's not as good as Mum's fruit smoothies but it's really not that bad. All of the drinking means I need to make a fountain – pronto. I head outside but before I reach the loo, I spot Ashleigh on a bench near the bubblers. She's sitting by herself. Weird.

‘Hi, Ash.'

‘Rossy?' She looks up and I can see she's upset. I'm wishing I didn't say hi.

‘Can you come over here?' she asks.

‘Umm. Okay.'

She stands up to meet me. ‘Let's take a walk.'

It looks like the toilet will have to wait.

She takes the path leading into the middle of the school, and we walk past G block and up the small stairs I sometimes ollie down on my skateboard on a weekend. She stops at a picnic table tucked behind the library. ‘Remember this place?'

I sit opposite her, facing the library wall where a tennis ball once ricocheted off the bricks and sconed me on the head. But I don't think this is the memory she's talking about. ‘Should I?'

‘Yes! This is where we had lunch for our three-week anniversary.'

I can't believe I was someone who celebrated three-week anniversaries.

‘What did we eat?' I ask. I never forget a meal.

‘I made a tofu salad. Remember?'

‘Oh, yeah. It was really healthy.' And disgusting, I think. I get a pang in my lower stomach, and it's not from hunger. I need to wrap this conversation up so I can make it to the toilet in dry pants. ‘So, what's up?'

‘I'm having boy trouble.' She gives a nervous giggle. ‘Although, I really shouldn't be talking to you about it, should I?'

‘You're right. Let's head back.'

She giggles again. ‘Stop joking around, Tony!'

I sigh, waiting for her to say her piece. Knowing Ash, it might take a while. She always did like talking about boring stuff like relationships and her feelings. I preferred kissing.

‘I mean, Devo's great and everything. Last week he bought me an iPod nano.'

Geez! I think. I wouldn't be complaining if someone bought me an iPod nano.

‘But that's the trouble,' she continues. ‘He doesn't understand that I don't want his presents all the time. It makes me feel … cheap.'

I have no idea what to say, but then I remember this thing we learnt in health education class. Basically, I just have to repeat everything she says.

I put on my caring voice. ‘So what you're saying is, when he buys you stuff, you feel like he's trying to buy your love?'

‘Yeah! That's exactly how I feel.' She sounds much happier. This communication stuff must actually work.

‘So, you feel like that … exactly,' I say.

‘Yes.'

‘Umm. Affirmative, hey?'

‘Tony, you've got it. Now I just need a hug.'

‘So you need a hug?'

‘Shut up and get over here.'

‘You want me to shut up and—'

She grabs my hand and pulls me to her side of the table. We hug. It's not bad, but it's not that good either. I'm still busting. I lean back to break the hug, but she stops me when our faces are facing each other.

‘There's something different about you tonight,' she says. ‘You seem more of a man or something.'

I put on a deep voice. ‘You better believe it, baby.'

And that's when she kisses me. Two pecks and then an open mouth inviting me into paradise. A rush of chemicals floods my body, lightening my head and making my legs heavy. And the best thing is, I don't have to go to the toilet anymore.

As our mouths move together like twin fish, I remember how awesome kissing Ash is. She's my first and true love.

Slap!
She whacks me on the back.
Whoa!
She must like it a little rough these days. Luckily, she missed my zit.
Whack!
She hits me even harder. And then she speaks in a voice that's deeper than mine.

‘You're dead meat, Rossy.'

I stop kissing to find out who is disrupting this sweet, sweet moment. I wince as I turn around to see someone bigger, tougher and richer than me.

Ash sees him, too, and takes a sharp breath in. ‘Devo?'

‘Your boyfriend, remember?' He sounds hacked off. This is going to be interesting.

‘I'm
so
sorry,' says Ash.

Devo fixes her with a stare. He's probably about to dump her. His voice is quiet but firm. ‘I'm really hurt, Ashleigh, but I'm not mad at you. You're the victim here.'

How can she be the victim? Her tongue had my tongue pinned to the floor of her mouth like a WWE wrestler.

Ash looks as confused as me.

Devo explains himself. ‘You had no way of knowing it, but Rossy's been using drugs to make innocent girls like you want him.'

‘What are you talking about?' Ash asks.

Yeah, what are you talking about? I think. Those girls aren't that innocent.

‘The bartender told me all about it when he tried to sell me the stuff. When you get close enough to smell Rossy, he becomes irresistible.'

Ash looks at me. ‘Is it true?'

‘Well … only the irresistible part.'

‘Move back,' Devo says to Ash. ‘I need to teach scum like Rossy a lesson.' He steps towards me and I realise I better think quick before my nose ends up inside my brain.

‘Go easy, Devo,' I say. ‘Remember, if it wasn't for my poem, Ash would never have taken you back.'

My words work a treat. Devo freezes and Ash's jaw drops as she looks from me to Devo.

‘Devo, you wrote that poem, didn't you?' asks Ash.

Let's see what Mr Honest has to say now.

He starts stammering. ‘It was my writing, yeah.'

‘But were they your words?'

He doesn't answer.

‘Devo?'

Ash isn't getting anything out of her boyfriend so she looks at me. ‘Did
you
write the poem, Rossy?'

‘Don't sound so surprised,' I say. ‘I know I'm tough on the outside, but on the inside, I feel as much pain and love as any man.' It's a good line. I heard it on TV the other day.

As Ash looks at me, her eyes go soft and I realise something. She'll take me back. Me and Ash, together forever. Like it should be.

Devo has other ideas. ‘Like I said, you're dead.'

The last thing I see is a fist flying at my head.

Being Dead

Devo was right. I'm dead.

But it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm sitting in a white-walled waiting room, shooting the breeze with a bloke named Ryan. He's telling me how he crossed the train tracks … about a second too late. Even though he seems like a good guy, I'm finding it hard to listen to his story because instead of legs he has a pair of stumps.

He notices my dumb-struck stare. ‘Guess my legs are still back at the train crossing,' he says sadly.

‘You lost track of 'em, ay?' I say.

We laugh. Even when I'm dead I'm funny.

‘You can't talk,' he says. ‘You look like you're pressing your nose against a glass window.'

I feel my face and he's right. My nose is as flat as my bike tyre after running over the tacks Kane had left on the road. I must have really annoyed Devo for him to kill me like this.

We don't say any more because a door opens and the hottest girl I've ever seen walks in. She's wearing white.

‘My name's Angel,' she says.

I laugh – I can't help it.

‘What's so funny?' asks Ryan.

‘She's an angel called Angel.'

‘Oh, yeah.' He laughs, too.

‘Tony, come with me,' says Angel.

‘Sure.'

Hanging out with Angel sounds like heaven to me. When I reach her, Angel takes my hand. Being dead is getting better all the time.

‘When we walk through that door, you may get a little upset,' she says. ‘But it's important for you to see the mark you've left on the world.'

I wonder if she's taking me back to primary school. In Year Three, I scratched ‘Rossy waz here' on my desk.

But we step into a church packed with people. I'm thinking it must be Christmas until I see a coffin in the middle of the room. Angel and I walk up to it and a chill comes over me. ‘That's not …'

‘Yes,' she says. ‘This is your funeral, Tony.'

‘Whoa.' I look around and suddenly recognise every face. It's freaky.

Mum, Dad, Belinda and Simon are huddled together in the front row. Relatives whisper in the rows behind. On the other side of the church are kids and teachers from school. I wonder if they're here because of me or to get a day off?

‘What do you think, Tony?' asks Angel.

‘Pretty cool,' I say. ‘I've always wanted to come to my own funeral.'

An idea pops into my head. ‘Now I'm a ghost, can I scare people?' I start looking around for Kane.

‘No. You're invisible, just like me. Although the space-time continuum is quite sensitive, so try not to talk too loud or touch anything.'

‘What if I do?'

Before she can answer, a priest starts speaking into a microphone. ‘Welcome to the celebration of Tony Ross's life, which was tragically cut short by a violent fight.'

‘What's he talking about?' I whisper to Angel. ‘There was no fight; Devo just killed me.'

‘Well, according to his expensive lawyer, it was self-defence.'

I raise my voice. ‘Self-defence?'

‘Shhh.' She puts a finger to her lips before putting her hand on my shoulder. ‘He said you tried to head-butt him in a drug-fuelled rage and he lifted his fist to save himself.'

‘The lying scumbag! Ash will never take him back now.'

‘Don't be so sure,' says Angel. ‘Some people have a great ability to forgive.'

‘Not me.'

The priest stops talking and the service starts. It's weird watching your own funeral. There's a lot of bulldust said, like when Simon tells everyone my last words to him were, ‘If anything ever happens to me, I want you to have my bedroom.'

As if.

There are funny moments, too, like when Kane gets up to the mic. ‘As I look down on the limp body lying before me, I can think of only one thing to say.' He pauses, staring at the open casket. ‘Why are you still breathing?'

The crowd gives a nervous laugh.

‘Stop it!' Angel hisses at me. With my invisible hand, I'm doing CPR on my corpse and it's working – my chest is rising and falling like I'm alive.

Kane's face goes white as a ghost. Gotcha!

He shakes his head and keeps talking. ‘I'm sure if Rossy was here today, he'd have wanted me to start with a joke. He loved having a laugh, even if some of his jokes were pretty lame.'

People have a little chuckle at this, probably because it's so obvious that he's lying.

Kane continues. ‘But as well as being a fun guy, Rossy was a good guy. Even though we moved in different circles, Rossy was a mate. Actually, I'd call him my best mate.' He stops and wipes his eyes with the back of his arm. It looks like he's tearing up, but he's probably just trying to score some sympathy hugs from the hot girls who are here. ‘Rossy,' he says, looking up. ‘Play a few pranks in heaven for me. I'll miss you, buddy.'

After Kane steps down, girls line up to cuddle him. I can't believe he's using my death to pick up chicks, although I can't really blame him. I'd do the same.

One of my favourite heavy metal songs starts pumping through the church speakers. While it's playing, people walk up and place stuff in my coffin. Belinda carries the magazine that I used to practise kissing, Simon has the pillow that we used for farting contests, and Kane places in the controller that I used to lose his remote-controlled helicopter.

Mum and Dad plod up, as if the things they're carrying weigh a tonne. Dad places my favourite monster truck DVD next to my hand and Mum gives me a family photo. Mum's crying and Dad's trying not to, and for the first time I feel really sad.

I'm gonna miss them.

Lastly, three girls approach. Ashleigh drops in a photocopy of the love letter she thinks I wrote to her, Lacey puts in a photo of me doubling her on my BMX bike, and Rhiannon adds a handwritten page of the lyrics to the song we slow-danced to at the last school social. They linger next to the coffin, probably because I'm a pretty good-looking dead guy.

‘He was so silly,' Lacey says suddenly.

‘Crazy, too,' adds Ashleigh.

‘And one of the worst dancers I've ever seen,' says Rhiannon.

What the heck are they talking about?

‘But I loved him,' says Ash.

‘Me too,' says Lacey.

‘Me three,' says Rhi.

I get a tear. If only I could let them know how I feel. Quickly, I grab my dead chin and pull it down and up to make it look like I'm talking. ‘I love you, too,' I say loudly, hoping the words make it into their dimension. I think it works because they all scream at the same time. It's pretty funny.

That's it!' Angel isn't impressed. ‘We're outta here!'

We start flying upwards, through the roof, over the church, over the only hometown I've ever known. I know that the life I've had is over, and I feel really bummed about it. But I'm also kind of looking forward to finding out what's next.

‘Where are we going?' I ask.

‘It's time for your new life.'

‘In heaven?'

‘Not exactly. You get to live again.'

‘Really? Who am I going to be?' I hope I'm a hot girl. I'll spend all day looking at myself naked in the mirror.

‘Let's just say you're about to start a new chapter.'

‘Hmmm.' Hearing about a new chapter makes me remember something. ‘Angel, if I give you something later can you get it to a lady named Michele?' I finger the voice recorder in my pocket. If people read the true story of my death, not only will Devo get locked up for killing me, but I'll be another famous dead guy.

‘I'll see what I can do,' she says.

*

So here I am. Waiting for my next life. Angel says it shouldn't take too long. I just have to wait for some middle-aged bald bloke to get inspiration.

It's not my number one choice but being a character in a book should be okay. Sure, bad stuff will happen. It always does in a story. But Angel says I'm gonna be in a kid's book and everyone knows they always have happy endings. It's not like I'm going to die this time.

In fact, I'll get to live forever. Well, except if the book goes out of print, but that will only happen if I'm not as funny, cool and popular as the ‘now' me.

I can't help but wonder who I'll be. Maybe a skateboarder, a totally awesome bloke named Duane, or a kid addicted to tuckshop food. It would be good if I didn't have to be so funny all the time – it gets exhausting.

I like me a lot, but now it's time to be someone completely different.

Tony Ross: RIP.