Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories (17 page)

You got that wrong, I'm about to say. But I think of Devo's muscles and hold my tongue.

‘I'd like to ask if you'd do something special for me.'

‘What is it?' I hope she's talking about either breaking our no-kissing rule, or breaking up.

‘I was thinking about how we can keep connecting in ways that aren't physical, and then it hit me that no boy has ever written a love poem for me before. It would mean a lot if you'd do that for me.'

I pause. I still haven't quite recovered from the ‘keep connecting in ways that aren't physical' part.

She's waiting for an answer. ‘Tony? What do you think? I'd love it if a guy wrote me a poem. And, in return, I promise to write you one back.'

Whoopy-doo. If I want to read a love poem I'll look on the internet. There's no—

Whack!
A nut falls
off the tree and hits me on the
head. For some reason, this gives me an idea. A g
reat idea.

‘Sure,' I say. ‘I'll do it.'

She kisses me on the cheek. ‘Thanks, Tone! You won't regret it!'

I hope she's right. I get up and run off.

*

I don't run to the handball court, though. I run to the toilet. I know the bloke I'm looking for is in there.

I step up beside him on the platform that overlooks the yellow-stained trough.

‘Speak of the devil,' I say, unzipping. ‘How are ya, Devo?'

He looks down and across. ‘A lot bigger and better than you by the look of things.'

‘Well, then …' I aim and fire. ‘I won't tell you what Ash just said about you.'

He turns sharply towards me and I feel some spray on my leg.

‘Hey, watch it!'

He ignores me. ‘What'd she say? Tell me or I'll hurt you. Bad.'

Apart from a wet leg, things are going perfectly. I've got him right where I want him. ‘Well, mate, it turns out she's still got a torch for you. You should've heard her rattling on about how you're the best thing since Instagram.'

This excites him. ‘Really?' But then he turns suspicious. ‘You're pullin' my chain, aren't ya?'

‘Nah.'

‘You must be. She told me I'd never be more than just a friend again. It was the worst day of my life.'

‘Well, she just told
me
that the only reason she dumped you is because you never wrote her a love poem.'

He nearly yells.
‘A love poem? I bought her a
gold necklace!'

‘Not the same thing, mate. Chicks want you to tell them how you
feel
about them. Not
buy
their love.'

Kane told me this line once. I'm glad I remembered it. Actually, on second thoughts, I think he said, ‘Chicks want you to buy their love. Not tell them how you feel about them.' Oh, well.

‘Hmmm.' Devo waggles while he thinks. I never shake mine more than three times but his is the longest waggle I've ever seen.

Finally, he zips up, and plays all suspicious again. ‘Why are you telling me this? You're her boyfriend.'

I put a hand on his shoulder. My other
hand is still holding something important. ‘Yeah, I probably
shouldn't. But I don't want to go out
with someone who likes someone else. I wanna be number one, you know?'

He nods his head. ‘Yeah, I do.'

*

During SOSE in
period six there's a knock on the door.
It's Devo. ‘Excuse me, Miss Mason, I need to
talk to Rossy for a minute. He's got an
urgent message from the office.'

‘All right, then, Tony. Don't be long.'

‘No worries, Miss.'

I check the
clock on the way out. My goal is to stay
outside till the bell rings. It's only 25 minutes away
.

Devo takes a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.
‘I've been working on this in double English for the last hour. What do you think?'

‘You're showing me your love poem?'

He looks ashamed. ‘I figure you'll know better than anyone what Ash wants. And though I'm good at lots of things, writing poetry isn't one of them.'

I read his work and he's right. He sucks. There's no imagery, no feeling, no heart. ‘Devo, to be a good poet you have to reach down into your guts and pull up some real emotion. What you've written here is total crap.'

His body stiffens and I think he's going to bash me, but he kicks the ground instead. ‘Well, what should I do, then? I can buy her stuff, give her compliments, take her to the best parties. But I can't write her a good poem. I just can't.' He looks down, defeated.

This is going even better than I thought.

‘Well, it just so happens that I know the perfect poem for Ash. It's romantic, sensitive and she'll never know that you didn't write it.'

‘Yeah?' he says excitedly. ‘Can you give it to me?'

‘Well, Devo, I could. But I'd need to be … rewarded.'

He pulls out his wallet. Devo's dad owns a big computer company and he's as loaded as my dad on New Year's Eve. ‘How much?' he asks.

I wonder what I can get away with. I decide to start at top dollar and work my way down. Even ten bucks would be good. ‘A hundred,' I say casually.

He takes out a thick handful of fresh bills and peels off two fifties, just like that.

Darn! I should've gone for more. Still, it's good money, and I put it in my locker before taking out the poem I wrote during Christine's workshop.

‘Give her this,' I say, handing the poem to Devo. ‘And you'll be in like Flynn.'

‘I hope so,' he replies. ‘I love
that girl like nothing else.'

‘You see? That's your problem. You should say, “I love that girl like a fat kid loves chocolate cake.”' I point a finger at him. ‘Now
that's
poetry.'

He goes off to class and I go to the toilet. I've still got about ten minutes to kill so I might as well have a go at writing some more verse. There's some empty space on the back of the middle dunny door.

*

That night I have my usual
Friday night date with Ashleigh. If things work out right it
will be our last one ever.

We're babysitting at the O'Connors'. We're on the couch. We're not kissing.

‘So, Tone. Have you written the poem yet?'

‘Uhh … I've started it. But I want to get it just right before I give it to you.'

She puts her hand on my arm and says excitedly, ‘Can you tell me a few lines? Please?'

‘Okay. Ummm …' I say the first thing that comes into my head. ‘Your lips are like strawberries. Red and juicy. I want to taste them. Right now.'

Her eyes narrow and she looks at me for a few seconds. Uh-oh! I hope I don't get slapped.

‘It needs some work,' I say, leaning away.

‘No. It's perfect.'

And then she jumps me.

It's not until five minutes later that I come up, gasping for breath. ‘What's going on? I thought you didn't want to kiss anymore?'

She slaps me on the shoulder. ‘Don't be stupid, stupid. I said we should connect in ways other than kissing, not that we shouldn't kiss at all. It's way too much fun to give up forever.'

Before I can figure out what's going on, she jumps me again.

By the time the O'Connors get home from the opera, my lips are chapped and I'm so thirsty I could drink the water out of the fish tank across the room. But I've never been happier.

Mrs O'Connor hands Ash some money and Mr O'Connor takes us home. Ash and I sit in the back seat and hold hands. She squeezes mine four times, which is code for ‘Do_You_Love_Me?' and I squeeze hers back three times in reply: ‘You_ Bet_Babe.'

She
gives me a long kiss goodnight, and
as I float across the front
yard I can't believe I even considered br
eaking up with her. She's the best girl in
the world, I reckon, and it's dead-set lucky all
my plans have backfired.

As I go to bed a nagging thought tugs at my head but I ignore it. I have more important things to think about. Like my girlfriend's hot lips.

*

The next morning I decide to surprise Ash with a call. ‘Hey, sexy.'

‘Tony. Ummm … hi. I'm glad you called because I need to talk to you about something.'

‘Can't get enough of me, ay?'

There's a pause. I think I hear a voice in the background. ‘Is someone there, Ash?' I say.

‘Yeah. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got a visitor.'

‘Well, tell the prime minister that you're busy. Mum and Dad are going out soon and I thought you could come over to my place and check out my lips.'

‘I can't, Tone.'

‘Why not?'

‘Well, someone just gave me something that's made everything different.'

‘Who?'

‘Devo.'

Devo! Far out! I forgot about him and my poem. I'm going to have to do some fast talking.

‘Ash. Forget about him. He's actually a terrible poet—'

‘No, he's not. He just gave me a poem that
made me realise that even though I really, r
eally like you, Tone, I don't love you. Because you
could never write words like this.'

‘Yes! I could—'

‘I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to break up with you.'

‘What? You can't do that, Ash. It's all a big misunderstanding …'

I stop because I can hear more talking on the other end of the line. I don't think she's listening.

‘Hang on a sec, Tone,' she says. ‘Devo wants to talk to you. I hope we'll still be friends.'

‘No, wait!'

But it's no use. Devo comes on the line. ‘Rossy,' he says loudly, ‘I just wanted to say no hard feelings, all right?'

Okay, get it together, I think. Here's another chance to make things right.

I hear footsteps and Devo whispers excitedly, ‘I really just wanted to say thanks, mate. That thing we talked about worked like a charm. Anything you want, any favour at all, and I'll do it for you.'

‘Okay,' I say quickly. ‘I want you
to break up with Ashleigh. Right now. It was
all a big mistake. I want her back.'

He chuckles. ‘Yeah, good one, mate. I'll see ya at school.'

‘Wait!'

The phone goes dead.

An empty feeling spreads through my insides. I can't believe it.
I've
been dumped.

That's so wrong.

I lie on my bed and stuff a pillow over my head. How can she do this after everything I've done for her? I think of all our good times and my eyes start to water. Not because I'm crying, but because of the pillow. It smells disgusting.

Simon.

I can get revenge later. For now I have to fix my girlfriend problem. The more I think, the more I realise that there's only one way.

It's straight across the road. To a place I know well.

In fact, I'm going to hot-tail it there right now.

If things work out, I'll be kissing Lacey by lunchtime.

New Girl

I knock three times. This. Will. Work.

I hope.

While I wait, I take
a whiff under the old armpits. Now I'm
turning from a boy into a man I'm starting to
stink it up, especially after exercise, and I ran all
the way here.

Luckily, I smell good. My little bro wasn't around so I stole some of his expensive deodorant. He doesn't need it, anyway. He hasn't even begun puberty – he's still waiting for hair to grow in places other than his head. Not that I go around looking.

No one's answering so I ring the doorbell. It plays a little song and I sing along in my head.
‘Ro-ssy wants a new girlfriend, new girlfriend, new girlfriend. Ro-ssy wants a new girlfriend, her
name is La-cey.'

I can hear movement and someone fiddles with the knob. Hopefully, it's not Kane. I'm not sure I want to tell him that I'm here to make a move on his lovely little sister.

The door swings open and I'm in luck. Even in an old T-shirt and a pair of shorts, she looks cute.

‘Rossy?' She seems surprised to see me.

‘In the flesh.'

‘Are you here to see Kane?'

‘Nah. You.'

A question mark appears on her face.

It's time for my best hangdog look. ‘Ash and I just broke up,' I sniff. ‘I really need someone to talk to.'

Her mouth falls opens and she looks even more surprised. Maybe she can't believe her luck? ‘Oh, you poor thing,' she finally says. ‘Come in.'

I expect to be led to her bedroom but instead she takes me to her dad's study. Luckily, he's not in there. We sit facing each other on matching office chairs.

‘What happened?' she asks, putting a comforting hand on my leg.

‘Well, it's a long story.'

And it is. After deciding to split up with my girlfriend, her crazy ex threatened to break my bones if I hurt her feelings, so I spent weeks trying to sneakily convince her to break up with me. However, I changed my mind about the whole plan when we started seeing lip to lip on the O'Connors' couch last night. Then, this morning, she dumped me. It hurts pretty bad, and the only thing that will make it hurt less is being kissed better by the girl in front of me.

Of course, I can't
tell Lacey any of this. I act sad again. ‘Can we
talk about it later? Right now I just need a hug.'

‘Oh, you poor baby. Sure.' We stand and wrap our arms around each other. Her body is warm and tight against mine.

She pulls back, her arms still around my waist. ‘So … you're single now?'

‘Yep.'

She lets go and steps back. ‘How do you feel about that?'

I run a hand through my hair. ‘Well, kinda sad. Ash and I had something special, you know?'

‘Yeah. It's too bad.'

The time has come to make my move. ‘But I also feel like it's a new beginning. That maybe there's someone else out there who'll be the one.' I look into her eyes.

She looks right back. ‘I'm sure you're right.'

This is going perfectly.

‘Rossy,' she says quietly, ‘there's something I need to tell you.'

I'm pretty sure she's going to say that she wants to pash me.

‘I like you,' she says. ‘I really do.'

‘I like me … I mean you, too.' I take a step closer.

‘It's just that …' She gives a nervous giggle. ‘It's just … No, I can't tell you. I've got to show you. Come to my room.'

‘Cool.'

As we climb the stairs I wonder what she'
s going to show me. I hope it's not her Bratz doll collection.

That'd be bad. As we're pashing, I'd imagine those bug-eyed spoilt Bratz taking pictures of me with their tiny mobile phones. Or maybe they'll be holding little knives in their hands …

I snap into reality when Lacey pushes open her bedroom door. Well, I snap into something, because what I'm seeing can't be real. There's a Bratz doll, all right, but it's in the hand of my little bro, Simon. And he's got a Barbie in the other.

‘Oh, Simon,' says Barbie. ‘You're
so
hot. I'm going to marry you.'

‘No, you're not!' replies the Bratz doll. ‘
I'm
marrying Simon.'

‘Yeah? Let's fight about him.'

He makes sound effects as the two dolls slap each other. ‘Uh. Oooh. Eeek!'

Lacey clears her throat. Simon looks up, sees us, and throws the dolls on the floor. ‘G'day,' he says in his lowest voice.

Lacey smiles. ‘Having fun, little Rossy?'

There's a sheepish look on his face. ‘I was just working on the role-play part of our presentation.'

‘Yeah, sure.' She giggles.

I don't make a smart-alec comment, which isn't like me. I'm still dealing with the fact that he's here. I know he and Lacey are study buddies, but I really don't need him around right now. Not when I'm about to get some lip action.

I get an idea. ‘Hey, Simon? Dad said he wants you home straightaway.'

‘Yeah? What for?'

‘Ummm … he has to give you a talk.'

‘About what?' he says.

‘You know.
The
talk.'

‘About sex?' Lacey cuts in. ‘Haven't you had that ages ago?'

Simon shakes his head. ‘Dad keeps putting it off. He still hasn't talked to Tony so I don't know why he wants to do me first. Probably because I'm more mature.'

Lacey looks my way. ‘
You
haven't had the sex talk?'

‘I don't need it,' I say casually. ‘I know everything.'

‘Really?' she says. ‘How long does an average girl's cycle last?'

‘Hmmm.' I hope this isn't a trick question. ‘Well, it depends on how fit she is.'

Lacey looks at me strangely. ‘What do you mean?'

‘Well, if
she's really fit she'll cycle a long way. But
if she's not fit at all she'll only
go a few k's before she gives up.'

Simon sniggers.

‘What are you laughing at, Bratz boy?' I say. ‘At least I've got facial hair.'

‘No, you don't,' he says. ‘You've got bum-fluff on your cheeks.'

Lacey butts in. ‘Enough, you two. Maybe you
should
go home, little Rossy. I have to talk to big Rossy about something, anyway.'

Yeah, I think. She has to
give me a tour of her mouth.

Simon gets up. ‘All right. I'll see you later then, baby cakes.'

I wonder who he's talking to – the Bratz or the Barbie.

Lacey answers. ‘You sure will, my little chicken licken.'

What the …?

As Simon walks past Lacey, he stops. He leans towards her, lips first.

What's he doing? He really
does
need the sex talk from Dad. He's about to get himself whacked in the mouth for sexual abusement.

Lacey leans in and smacks him. Not with her hand, though. With her lips.

I repeat: What the …?

Simon gives me a smirk. ‘Catch ya later, big bro. And remind me to talk to you about periods and stuff. Girls like it if you can chart their cycle. Then you know when to be extra nice.'

He gives me a wink, and walks out.

When he's gone I blow my top. ‘What was
that
?'

She sighs. ‘That's
what I wanted to show you. I thought you were
never going to break up with
Ashleigh, and Simon and
I started hanging out together
and …'

‘Tell me you're not going out with my little bro!'

She bites her lip. ‘I'm going out with your little brother. We've been an official couple for …' She looks at her Bratz watch ‘… eighteen hours.'

‘I asked you not to tell me that!'

My head won't stop shaking – like it's watching a tennis match. I need a plan. Quickly.

Luckily, I come up with two. ‘Okay,' I say, ‘you can either dump him, or I'll kill him for you.'

She gives a nervous giggle. ‘Sorry, but no. We've just got together and I think he deserves a fair chance. I would've done the same thing for you.'

‘But he's … he's Simon!'

‘So? I must admit I've always liked you more, but now I've got to know him … He's funny, sweet and a great kisser.'

I cover my face with my hands. ‘Too much information!'

This has to be the equal worst day of my life. The other was when my ex-girlfriend threw up while we were kissing. In my mouth.

‘Are you okay?' she says. ‘Do you want to talk about anything?'

‘Yeah. I want to tell you something.'

She waits.

‘I want to tell you that … your new boyfriend still sleeps with his teddy.'

And then I walk out.

*

Normally Kane likes headbangin' music like me, but when I poke my head into his room, the tune seeping out of his stereo is soft and slow.

‘Kane, it's me. Rossy.'

He doesn't answer so I go in. He's lying on his bed wearing jeans and a going-out shirt, but it looks like they've doubled as pyjamas. There's a glazed look on his face.

‘What's happening?' I ask.

‘Not much.' He picks up a CD. ‘Oh, except I just got DUMPED!'

He chucks the CD like a frisbee and it ricochets off the wall and nearly hits me in the head.

‘Whoa! Calm down, big fella.'

I put a hand over my mouth so he can't see me smirking. The Kanester is always the dumper, not the dumpee. It's about time he found out what it's like on the other side.

‘When did it happen?' I ask.

‘Last night. I took Astrid to mini-golf and she ended it on the fifth.'

‘Dumped on the course, huh? That's rough. Did you finish the round?'

‘Nah. I was sitting at two under as well.'

‘That
really
sucks.'

He takes out another CD and this one flies through the open window.

I watch it soar. ‘Why'd she do it?' I ask.

He shakes his head. ‘Don't know, exactly. But I reckon she was mad that I beat her in that poetry comp. It's tough being good.' He throws a shoe this time. It hits the wall with a bang.

I pick up the shoe and toss it back. ‘If it makes you feel any better, I got dumped, too. Ash is going out with Devo again.'

It's quiet for a bit.

I listen to the song. There's a line about how love is like chocolate, and if you eat too much it'll make you sick.

‘Chicks,' says Kane. ‘We're better off without them.'

‘You got that right.' We're quiet again.

‘
Love is like Santa Claus
,' the girl sings. ‘
When you stop believing, it ceases to exist
.'

Kane sits up. ‘You going to that monster truck show tomorrow night?'

‘Wouldn't mind,' I say. ‘Devo gave me some cash so I can afford it.'

‘And I've got the dosh from the poetry comp.' He looks at me. ‘You know what, I've got an idea.'

‘Y
eah. What?' Kane's full of good ideas, just like
me. It's just that his seem to work out
more often than mine.

‘Let's go there together. On a date.'

Geez! He must have meant it when he said we'd be better off without chicks. I cough, eyeing the door. ‘Uhh … sorry, mate. I like you as a mate and all, but I'm not like that.'

He throws the shoe at me. ‘I don't mean on a date with you, dimwit! I mean, let's buy four tickets and find two girls to go with us.'

‘Yeah? Sounds good.'

Another pause.

‘But where do we find two girls?' I say.

He smiles. ‘I'm thinking about cruising the plaza today. You in?'

I smile back. Guys like us go to the shops for one reason and one reason only. Girls are there.

‘You bet,' I say.

*

We get a free bus ride by fl
ashing old tickets. After we make ourselves comfortable on the
back seat, Kane asks if he can use my mobile because his
battery is dead.

I'm about to tell him I don't have one when I remember that Belinda gave me one of her hand-me-downs last week. It was a gift she didn't want anymore because the boy who gave it to her kept sending her depressing texts after she dumped him. ‘Besides,' she said, ‘hot pink is
so
last season.'

I don't care what colour it is. I'm now connected to the world – when I remember to bring it, that is. I check my pocket and feel a lump. It's the phone.

I switch it on and am about to hand it to Kane when I notice that there are two new text messages. Both from Ashleigh. The first says: