Don’t Forget to Remember Me (13 page)

“At least you’re getting something. I
believe that it will come back, sweetheart.”

I was frustrated and angry. I couldn’t
remember even something as simple as a leather jacket. “What
happened that you don’t want me to know about? Are you a serial
killer or something? Was I?”

He burst out laughing which only pissed me
off even more. “Hardly!” When I looked out the passenger window and
didn’t answer, Ryan sobered. “It’s only been two weeks since the
accident. Give yourself time to heal. You’re expecting too much,
too soon,” he said gently.

I didn’t speak to him for the remainder of
the drive and when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, he
helped me out of the car, pulling me into his arms and kissed my
temple. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. He smelled like
cologne and soap, fresh and musky. I relished the feel of his warm
lips on my forehead. His mouth was soft as it moved when he
spoke.

“I’m sorry that I laughed. That was
insensitive of me. You’ve been going through a lot and this whole
thing is confusing and frustrating…but it’s going to be okay,
babe.” His hand rubbed up and down on my back and I longed to wrap
my arm around him and lay my head on his chest. “It’s going to be
okay. We’ll go have some fun after all this necessary bullshit, I
promise.”

My heart was doing
somersaults at his nearness, my body reacting in all sorts of
delicious ways. I honestly didn’t understand how I could’ve been
this close to him and just
been
his
friend. He was too amazing in so many ways and he really cared
about how I felt, which was a lethal combination.

Fucking irresistible
.

He kissed my forehead again then moved his
mouth down to my cheek. His breath washed over me in a wave of heat
and I finally let myself lean into him. I had an overwhelming urge
to lift my chin so I could feel those pliant lips on mine. My right
hand curled around the fabric of his shirt underneath his open
coat. Ryan pulled back and brushed his fingers along my jaw. “We’ll
be late. We have to go.”

I swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”

He took my right hand and
we walked into the hospital and to Dr. Brighton’s office without
speaking. I trusted Ryan implicitly, feeling safe and protected
whenever he was with me. I saw his perfect profile out of the
corner of my eye and realized I wanted him to be more than my best
friend.
Much more
.

*****

Two hours later I was sitting in Dr. Moore’s
office waiting to start our session, and Ryan was in the waiting
room working on one of his cases. I rubbed my right arm with my
left, thankful that the sling that kept me confined was finally
gone. My shoulder was stiff but the only pain I had left was my
still-healing ribs. It would still be several weeks until they were
completely healed but the tape had been replaced with an elastic
girdle that fastened with Velcro. It was tight and I felt like it
added ten pounds underneath my knit shirt. Worst of all, I’d still
need help getting it on and off.

Poor Jenna. She’d become
my nursemaid, helping me with bathing and dressing and always being
so gracious. She was funny, very kind and witty. I liked her a lot,
but felt helpless and ridiculous that I needed her so much. I never
realized how much I took simple things for granted. Not being able
to take care
of myself
was completely
humiliating.

Dr. Moore looked at me apologetically and
shrugged. I used the time he was on the phone to take in his dark
hair and business suit. He looked polished and professional,
handsome in a stiff sort of way. He had a pleasant face and
easygoing demeanor that probably worked well in his profession. I
found myself comparing his slicked back hair with a wild shock of
golden brown. He was shorter than Ryan by several inches and
stockier, his neck thicker and his skin ruddier. His features
weren’t as classically beautiful, and his eyes deeper set. I
flushed when I realized what I was doing.

“Listen, Dave, I have a patient. I’ll talk
to you later. Goodbye.” He hung up the phone and then folded his
hands on his desk as he leaned forward on his elbows. “I’m so
sorry, Julia. That was rude.”

“No, that’s okay.”

“How are you feeling?”

I cleared my throat. “Still sore, but so
much better.”

“That’s excellent, but I meant emotionally.
How are you handling things and how is it staying with your
friends?” He smiled warmly, listening attentively.

“It’s good. Ryan is very protective and
Aaron is always sweet. Jenna has been so helpful, but I feel bad
for her; I’m such a burden. I do get uptight at times and feel
guilty about intruding and I hate that I can’t remember. I want to
know them, you know what I mean?” I was rambling.

“Sure. That’s understandable. It must be
disorienting.”

“Um…I’d classify it more as frustrating.
It’s worse because no one will tell me anything. Conversations get
stilted. It’s not fair that they have to watch everything they say
and do. It makes them uncomfortable and I hate it. Why is it
necessary?”

“We all feel it’s in your best interest.
You’ll remember, if and when you’re ready. No one wants to force or
prod.”

“How would you feel if you
had a huge hole in your life and no one would give you anything to
go on? I mean
eight
years? It…hurts
to have lost so much.”

“I can only imagine. I’m sorry that you’re
going through that, but I do believe that you’ll get at least part
of it back over time. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself.”
His eyes narrowed slightly as he leaned back in his chair and
tented his hands in front of him. “Is there anything in particular
that you want to talk about today, Julia? Anything you feel I can
help you with?”

I sighed. “Can you get Ryan to tell me what
the hell is going on? I am constantly racking my brain, willing
myself to remember. It feels like there’s more between us.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Just…everything. It’s a feeling. The way he
looks at me and takes care of me. The tone in his voice changes
when he talks to me. How he makes me feel.”

“How is that?” he asked.

I hesitated. My feelings for Ryan were
personal. There were many complicated layers, so instead of trying
to articulate them all, I picked the most obvious and unobtrusive
one. “Hot,” I blurted out, embarrassed.

Dr. Moore smiled slightly. “What do you
think that means?”

I started to feel like we
were going in circles and it left me feeling tense.
Shit.
Didn’t I just say it?
“I find him extremely
attractive.”

“Have you told him how you feel?” he asked,
tangibly hesitant.

“No.” I struggled for the words to explain.
“I mean…if he really does only see me as a friend, I’d be
humiliated. Can you please tell me and save all this angst?”

He completely ignored my prodding.

“Don’t you think it’s possible that the new
living situation, the close proximity and how much you rely on him
could cause those feelings? You’re both very attractive people and
I don’t think Ryan is oblivious to that either, Julia. It’s natural
in this situation, him being one of your caretakers; you both might
feel that way.”

Ugh! Ryan my caretaker? Was I in a fucking
nursing home, now?

“Of course. I’m not retarded, for God’s
sake, but I just feel that with Ryan, it’s more than responsibility
or even friendship. More than sexual attraction. I don’t see him as
a nursemaid. Far from it; and he’d be pissed if I did.” His eyes
widened at my presumption of Ryan’s feelings. “Do we really have to
do this? Why do I have to explain? Telling you that I find Ryan
attractive isn’t going to make me remember. And, it feels like it’s
something that I should only share with him…when I’m ready.”

“Are you comfortable enough to talk to him
about it?”

I shrugged. Honestly, the
prospect freaked me out, like I was baring my soul. What if we
really
were
only
friends? I’d make a huge fool of myself and it would hurt me more
than I was willing to face. “Er…I’m still working that
out.”

The doctor nodded. I tried
to read something on his face, to figure out what he knew. Of
course, he talked to Ryan and Gabriel. They were both doctors on my
case. At least, Ryan might as well have been
,
considering he was almost out of
med school. “Well, he’s so accomplished and I feel very proud of
him,” I hedged tentatively. “Like I have a personal stake in him.
It fills me up in ways I don’t understand.”

“He has done very well. Don’t you think, as
his friend, that you’d feel that way, too?”

Ugh! Always more open-ended questions and
never any damn answers
. “Of course,” I said
in defeat. This wasn’t going anywhere. “But not so
intensely.”

“And what vibes are you getting off of him,
Julia?” he asked cautiously.

“He’s protective and attentive. He takes
care of everything I need. He touches me and it’s like an electric
current runs between us. I think he feels it too. At first I was
stunned, but now…I want it. He seems…cautious about getting closer
to me, and he refuses to tell me about our past.”

“Well, he’s very
intelligent, Julia
. We’ve discussed this and Ryan
doesn’t want to do anything that might cause the memory loss to
become permanent. He’s practically a doctor himself and he agrees.”
I rolled my eyes involuntarily, and Dr. Moore smirked. “What do you
think will help you remember?”

Not more psycho-babble bullshit, that’s for
sure.

“I don’t know. If I did,
don’t you think I’d
do
it? No offense, but I don’t think therapy is going to be a
fucking miracle cure.”

“Julia, there is no need
to get belligerent. I know you’re upset and frustrated. I’m here to
help you.” He stood and moved around his desk to sit on the edge in
front of me, one leg hitched up and hanging over the corner. It
felt like he was intruding, too close and, suddenly, I was
remembering a line from that movie with Patrick Swayze.
This is my dance space; this is your dance space. You don’t come
into mine, and I don’t go into yours.
I
cocked my head at the thought, and picked at the fabric of my jeans
so he wouldn’t see the amusement dancing on my face. He seemed
harmless enough. Very nice, but so damn patronizing.

When I didn’t answer, he continued. “You’re
probably right, you don’t need to be analyzed, but I’ll be
available if you need to talk. We won’t need to meet in the office
anymore. You can just call me if you need to talk and we can do so
as friends. I don’t want you to feel pressured from anyone,
including me.”

Okay, what?
“Uh…sure, I suppose that would be okay.”

He smiled. “Good. So call me Spence.”

“Spence…?” I tried it out. It sounded so
damn goofy, I wanted to laugh out loud. Old men in plaid pants were
named Spence.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he asked
easily and smiled.

“Totally,” I said flatly, and he grinned at
my honesty.

“Before we end today, I wanted to ask if
you’ve had any memories of your job?”

I shook my head. “Not really. Ellie told me
that I worked for Vogue, which seems surreal. That is amazing in
and of itself; but I don’t remember anything about the work. Which,
considering I don’t remember my education, is probably a good
thing,” I said sardonically. “Hmmph!” I let out my breath.

“Just take it one day at a time. I’ll let
Dr. Brighton know that you won’t need any more formal sessions, but
please do call me, Julia. If it’s okay, I’ll call to check on you
once in a while.”

“Sure, I suppose.”

“Have you talked with your parents or Dr.
Matthews?”

“Just about daily. Gabe talks to Ryan about
me too, so he gets a double dose. Poor thing.”

He smiled and nodded knowingly.

“Yes. Do you have a ride home?”

The corners of my mouth lifted. “Ryan is
waiting.”

“Of course.”

I stood and picked up my coat, but Dr. Moore
stood and took it from me, holding it up so that I could slip my
arms inside.

“Thank you. I appreciate your help.” I
offered him my hand and he used it to pull me into a loose hug.

“It’s been my pleasure. It’s been nice
getting to know you.”

“You,
too…
Spence
.” I
forced the word out.

“Have a good afternoon.” He put a hand on my
shoulder sliding it over my back and patted me gently.

I offered my thanks again and proceeded to
the waiting room. Just as I had pictured, Ryan was bent over the
laptop with a legal pad on the table to his right, writing notes
down at the same time.

He looked up as I approached. “Oh, hey!
How’d it go?”

“Well…I’m not crazy.” I grinned. He smiled
back, powering down his computer and gathering up his things to put
them neatly away in his bag.

He laughed softly. “No shit. We didn’t need
to pay some jackass a hundred and fifty dollars an hour to tell us
that.”

He made me smile. “Yeah, he’s not that big
of a jackass. He’s nice, but it felt like the Spanish Inquisition.”
Ryan stood up and threw on his coat and hoisted his laptop bag over
his shoulder.

“I’m sure. Ready? You can tell me about it
over lunch. I thought we’d go to Downtown Crossing, maybe get lunch
at Goodlife. Sound okay?”

I nodded since I had no
idea about either place. Obviously, from what he said, we’d been
there together before. My eyes stung and I blinked rapidly in
rebellion to the possibility of tears.
Another thing I
can’t remember.