Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (39 page)

Don’t make your personal fetish the first thing you
tell people about yourself.  This may come as a
complete surprise
to you, but introducing yourself to complete strangers as
“Bob, the guy who
likes to suck semen from another guy’s anus”
is probably
not
the
best way to make a good first impression.   By the way, that’s called
felching
, and yes, there
really is a name for it.
  A good
rule of thumb might be, if it isn’t something you’d put in your
Facebook
profile
, it probably isn’t something you should blurt out in the first two
minutes of a conversation with a stranger, either.

Don’t take or use a camera at the munch.  
The reasons for this are the same as for not asking for or revealing too much
personal information.  People generally don’t take photographs unless they
plan to
do
something with those photographs, and that thought makes
some
people profoundly uncomfortable.  Imagine how the mother of an
eight-year-old might react when she looks at someone’s Facebook page and sees a
photo of a group of people, one of whom happens to be her child’s teacher, with
the caption, “Here’s me, hanging out with my fellow pervs!”   It’s
hard to envision any way that a discovery like that bodes well for anyone
concerned.

Don’t use it as a place to take advantage of your
private knowledge of someone’s personal weaknesses, turn-ons, or
triggers.  As you attend more events, and get to know people better,
you’ll likely have opportunities to learn intimate details about their likes,
dislikes, turn-ons, and triggers.  This is an entirely normal part of
making new friends in the fetish community.  You may even eventually end
up in intimate relationships with some of those people, and there’s nothing at
all wrong with that.  But you should take care
never
to use a munch
or any other public gathering to reveal someone’s private turn-ons or triggers
without their express permission to do so. 

You may find it very tempting to show off your
exclusive knowledge of a person’s intimate secrets, but don’t do it.
 Just
don’t.
  For an example of how this sort of thing can end in disaster,
read the story at the end of this chapter.

Once a new person has been vetted and cleared to attend
events beyond the regular
munch
, he or she may be invited to attend play
parties, demonstrations, and other kinds of fetish gatherings.  For the
most part, the customs and protocols one should observe at a play party are the
same as at a munch, with some additional considerations.  Do keep in mind
the fact that most play parties and other private events are held in a group
member’s
home
.  That means extra thought must be given to things
like children, pets, neighbors, parking, fragile or valuable household
furnishings, and privacy.  At play party type events, you have as much of
a responsibility to look out for the interests of the homeowner hosting the
event as you do for the group as a whole.

The major difference between this kind of event and
a munch is the high probability of BDSM scenes being played out during a play
party.  A BDSM
scene
is simply any BDSM activity that is done in
front of an
audience
.  A scene should be considered a
performance
,
and not be interrupted or interfered with in any way.  Scenes do not
usually
involve explicitly
sexual
activity, but there are always exceptions,
and it is not uncommon for participants to have
sexual reactions
to what
might be considered by most to be
non-sexual
activities.  Before
participating
in any scene, be sure you are clear on what will be involved, whether or not it
will involve sex, and what safety measures will be in effect.

The following is a list of protocols which typically
apply to play party types of events.  Again, each group generally has rules
that are specific to that group, or to the location and homeowner’s
preferences, but for the most part, these guidelines for BDSM play events are
fairly universal.

Don’t touch without permission.  This rule
cannot be stressed enough.  Even so, there’s a specific reason for
revisiting it here, in our discussion of play parties.  Resisting the urge
to hug a friend at a public munch is one thing; resisting the urge to touch the
scantily clad or naked person next to you, particularly if you are both in a highly
aroused state, is
another thing entirely
.  For
some
people,
an event like this is the first time they’ll ever witness, with the lights on,
anything quite so erotic
that doesn’t personally involve them
.  It may
also be the first time they see, for the first time, their secret fantasies
being played out in real life, right in front of their eyes.  Needless to
say, for certain individuals, this can sometimes have a profound effect, like
making them forget that whole no-touching thing. 
Don’t be that
individual.
 

Never interrupt a scene.  A scene is
called
a scene for a very good reason – it is usually a highly choreographed
performance
being enacted for an appreciative audience.  The performance can consist
of practically any fetish activity, from the ridiculously mundane to the
unbelievably complex or even
dangerous
.  It isn’t uncommon for
scenes to include such things as
open flames, knife-play, electricity, or
even asphyxiation
.  The very last thing scene participants need, in
those kinds of circumstances, is a
distraction
.  It should come as
no surprise to anyone that the audience will be unappreciative of any
individual engaging in running commentary, interruptions, criticisms, or
attempts to inject themselves into the scene.  If you are so seriously
concerned about a
safety issue
that you feel a scene should be
stopped
,
you should quietly and politely take one of the group leaders aside in a way
that
does not cause a distraction to others
, and voice your concerns
privately to that person.  Chances are you’ll discover that your concerns
have already been adequately addressed in ways that you are simply unaware
of. 

If you are planning to be involved in a scene, make
no assumptions about sex.  This is
particularly
true if you are
participating in a scene involving a new group, a new play partner, or a new
activity for you.  Even if the scene involves something you’ve done a
hundred
times
, with a
hundred other people,
never assume that things will
play out the same way
this time
.  It is relatively common for
people who do a lot of
scening
to develop their own unique and
unexpected ways of doing things, so if such a thing is possible, you should
expect the unexpected.    You should also never presume, just
because certain things may be against the group’s rules, that your new play
partner
knows or cares
about the group’s rules.  Obviously, and for
a multitude of good reasons, the best time to find out about any sex that
occurs in a scene is
before
it happens, not
after the fact
.

Don’t mess with equipment you are unfamiliar
with.  For that matter, you shouldn’t mess with any equipment that isn’t
yours, unless the owner of the equipment expressly tells you that it’s okay to
do so.  When it comes to their BDSM toys, some folks can be
very
protective
and often downright paranoid about people touching their stuff, and there are
plenty of good reasons to feel that way.  First of all, as you’ll no doubt
learn when you start to build your
own
BDSM toy collection, some fetish
toys can be
really
expensive
.  No one wants to see his brand
new $400 violet wand being handled like a Wii controller. 

Second, despite the fact that items used in BDSM
scenes are often called
toys,
they can sometimes be
dangerous
in
ways that you may not be able to foresee.  It’s easy to assume that the
knives
that a certain Dominant uses in his knife-play demonstration are going to be
sharp
,
but the dangers associated with other kinds of BDSM toys and equipment may
not
be quite so readily apparent.  For example, a
pinwheel
looks like a
cute little toy, until you playfully run it across your skin and create a neat
little row of puncture marks.  The mentholated oils that are used in
cupping
are highly flammable, and could easily turn you into a human torch if spilled
and ignited by a cigarette or candle. Larger pieces of equipment or
furnishings, such as racks, platforms, suspension harnesses or St. Andrew’s
crosses can be
especially
dangerous to anyone attempting to place
themselves on or in the equipment without the assistance of another person who
presumably knows what he is doing.  You probably don’t want to be forever
remembered by the group as that new person who needed to be rescued from the
furniture.

Third and finally, there’s that awkward issue of
bodily
fluids
.  Yes, we generally think of bodily fluids as being
on or in
people’s bodies,
but they also have a curious habit of being on their
sex
toys
, as well.  In the BDSM community, you’ll occasionally hear the
term
“fluid bonding,”
which generally refers to relationships between
people who have agreed to engage in unprotected sex involving the potential
exchange of bodily fluids.  A
fluid bond
can also sometimes refer
to a BDSM toy or piece of equipment that should be reserved for the sole use of
its owner, because it comes into contact with bodily fluids such as semen,
secretions, saliva or blood.  Even items that you might not often
associate with bodily fluids may fit into this category.  A simple leather
flogger might not
seem
like a logical place for bodily fluids – until
you consider things like
pussy floggings
, and other types of floggings
that
draw blood
or result in
ejaculation
.  Bottom line:
Sharing toys for
six-year-olds
is a good thing; for kinksters, maybe
not
so much
.

Don’t take pictures.  This is another rule that
cannot be stressed enough, and even though we’ve already listed it once in the
munch protocols, it bears revisiting in the context of play parties.  At a
munch, the relevant and sensitive issue is generally
who was there.
 
A play party complicates things
exponentially
for people who must keep
their kinky lifestyle and the more vanilla aspects of their lives
separate.  A photograph of you in a restaurant, having a margarita and
chimichangas
with your pervy friends can usually be explained away pretty easily. 
Explaining away a picture of you being
flogged
while hanging upside down
and naked in somebody’s living room is probably going to be a
tough sell.

Don’t wander into parts of the house not designated
for the event.  Try to remember the last time you had a dozen or more
people in your house.  The thought of that crowd in your living room or
family room was probably stressful
enough
, without adding the terrifying
notion of them wandering randomly through the
rest of your house.
 
Respect the privacy of the event hosts and stay in areas that have been set
aside for the event.  This will usually consist of a main play area
(living
room, family room, or rec room)
, a guest bathroom, and perhaps the
kitchen/dining area.  Stay away from bedrooms, dens or children’s rooms,
and ask before congregating in outdoor areas like patios, porches, yards or
driveways, since voices and noise can carry, and your hosts may have nosy or
irritable neighbors.

Protect the furniture. One of the things you can
expect to see a lot of at your fetish group’s play party is
skin
. 
Some nudity or partial nudity is fairly common, particularly for those who will
be part of a scene or demo.  Sometimes, folks who aren’t planning to be a
part of a scene that evening will still change into
fetishwear
of some
sort, just to get into the spirit of things. You shouldn’t feel as if you’re
under any pressure to wear anything kinky or shed any of your clothing,
particularly as a new person.  But in the event that you do,
remember
the furniture
.  This may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most
household furniture simply isn’t designed to accommodate naked, wet, or sticky
people.  Not only can it damage the furnishings, but it can be something
of a bio-hazard to sit in someone else’s couch puddle.  Many people bring
their own towel to sit on if they’re planning on getting naked at an
event.  Sometimes, the event host will make clean towels available to
anyone who needs one.  When in doubt, simply ask the host if bare butts
are allowed on the furniture.

Your fetish group will likely have a written set of
rules governing the behavior of members at their events.  Be sure to ask
the group leaders where you can find them, and get familiar with them. 
Every group is different, and their rules may differ significantly from the
protocols we’ve discussed here, but you can be sure that there is almost always
a very good reason for any rule that is adopted.  Applying a little common
sense and consideration for the comfort, health and privacy of others will go a
long way towards making you a welcome and valued member or any group.