Djinn Rummy (8 page)

The genie nodded; a token of respect, the gesture implied, from one thoroughly nasty piece of work to another.

All three committee members suddenly began to wish they were somewhere else.

‘And you want me,' drawled the genie, ‘to do this little job for you, is that it?'

The Chair nodded. She had a splitting headache, and she felt sick. ‘If you'd like to, of course.'

‘I'd love to.'

‘Ah.'

‘It would mean,' the genie went on, ‘the deaths of countless millions of innocent people. Deaths by the most bizarrely hideous means imaginable. Wanton, barbaric genocide.' The genie smiled pleasantly. ‘Sounds like a bit of all right to me.'

Number Two cleared his throat. ‘A certain inevitable level of casualties . . .' he began, and found that he could-n't continue. The genie's eyes seemed to push him back into his chair.

‘Smashed into pulp by the petals of a giant primrose,' he said, slowly, with relish. ‘Horrific, bizarre, and with that ultimately humiliating soupçon of frivolity that marks the true evil genius. I like it. ‘

Sweat was pouring down the Chair's cheeks like condensation down an office window. ‘It's them or us,' she gasped. ‘People or plants. We're talking about the future of the planet. You do see that, don't you?'

The genie frowned thoughtfully. ‘I see that you're a bunch of raving lunatics,' he said calmly, ‘but so what?' He beamed. ‘That makes you my kind of people. Glad to be on the team.'

Number Two tried to stand up, ineffectually. ‘Of course,' he said, ‘the whole project is still subject to review. We aren't actually committed to anything yet . . .'

‘You are now.'

For a fraction of a second, a very small fraction indeed, Number Two had a vision of what it would be like. For some reason, the city he visualised was Oslo. He vomited.

‘These,' the genie went on, holding up a cloth bag the size of a large onion, ‘are the seeds of the flowers you so thoughtfully made possible. Anything possible, I'm allowed to do.' The image shimmered and glowed, like the heart of the fire. ‘Thanks,' he said, and turned his eyes on the Chair. ‘I'm sorry,' he said, ‘I didn't quite catch your name.'

‘Fuselli,' croaked the Chair. ‘Mary Fuselli.'

The genie grew, filling the room. ‘Apt,' he said, as the glass in the windows began to creak with the pressure. ‘Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?' The windows exploded and the Chair, Number Two and Number Three blacked out. Two seconds later, the pressure inside the room squashed them as flat as paper.

Philly Nine smiled, wiped human off his sleeve, and soared away into the upper air.

Faster than a thought he flew, breaching the Earth's atmosphere in a shower of sparks and soaring in a wide, lazy orbit around the Equator. As he went he amused himself by catching satellites and crumpling them in his fist like foil jam-tart cups. The further away from the planet's gravitational field he flew, the larger he became. A tail of fire flickered behind him, and dry ice knotted his hair.

From this altitude, the planet was mostly white and blue. The genie considered it impassively. It had, he felt, a sort of glazed, ceramic look, like a spun-glass Christmas tree ornament.

Or a very old bottle.

And, like all his kind, he had this problem with bottles. Bottles, in his opinion, were there to be broken.

And if one blue bottle should accidentally fall . . .

 

Kiss, genie-handling a huge roll of beige Wilton across the enormous expanse of the living-room floor, hesitated and glanced up through the window.

He swore.

Jane looked up. ‘Problem?' she asked.

‘Yes.' Kiss nodded. ‘At least, there might be. Look,' he said, ‘sorry to run out on you in the middle of the job, but could you see your way to managing without me for half an hour? There's something I've got to see to.'

‘Can't it wait?'

Kiss shook his head. With a crack the roll of carpet snapped open, flattened itself, hung for a moment six inches above floor level, and started to rise.

‘I promise I'll be back as soon as I possibly can,' Kiss shouted. ‘Sorry about this,' he added and vaulted into the middle of the carpet which bucked like an unbroken horse, pawed at the windows with its front corners, smashed the
glass and shot out into the air with Kiss sitting cross-legged on its back.

 

Philly Nine tutted. He was having trouble with the fiddly little knot the seed-sack was tied up with.

‘Hey,' said a voice directly below him. He glanced down, and saw a flat brown rectangle. The slight quivering of its outer seams reminded him of a stingray floating in clear water. He frowned.

‘Is that you, Kiss?' he queried.

‘Philly!' replied the voice. ‘Long time no see! And how's the world been treating you?'

The carpet closed in, drawing level with the hovering figure of Philly Nine, standing in the empty blackness trying to bite through a single strand of cord with teeth the size of office blocks.

‘Not so bad,' Philly replied. ‘What brings you here, my old mate?'

Kiss shrugged. ‘Thought I'd catch a few spacewinds on my new rug. Like her?'

‘Not bad,' Philly replied. ‘Not bad at all. Like the stabilisers. You any good at knots?'

‘I have my moments. Bung it over, whatever it is, and let me have a go.'

Philly Nine hefted the bag, and then checked himself. Coincidence, he thought; there are only seven Force Twelve genies in the whole Universe, and at this crucial moment here's two of them sharing one small, remote postage-stamp of empty space. ‘It's OK,' he replied. ‘I think I can probably manage. So,' he added nonchalantly, ‘where've you been hiding yourself lately?'

Kiss twitched his features into a rueful grin. ‘In an aspirin bottle,' he replied, ‘of all places. And me, of all
people. Well, you know how brown glass gives me a headache.'

‘Been out long?'

‘Not very. And you?'

Philly Nine shrugged. ‘I've been hanging out.' he replied. ‘You know, ducking and diving, pulling a few scams. Made a film, would you believe. Boy, that was some experience.'

‘Yeah?'

‘Yeah. Spooky stuff to be around, film. You hold it up to the light and you're ready to swear blind there's guys trapped inside the stuff.'

Kiss shook his head. ‘I think it's just science, Philly,' he said. ‘You know, mortal stuff.'

‘I suppose so. ‘ Philly Nine folded his hands over the cloth bag. ‘Well,' he said, ‘nice to see you again, don't let me keep you.'

The carpet continued to hover. ‘What've you got in the bag there, Philly?'

‘Wildflower seeds,' Philly Nine replied. ‘I'm doing my bit for the Green movement. Nothing to interest you.'

‘Wildflowers?'

‘That's right.'

Kiss raised an eyebrow. ‘That's not like you, Philly,' he observed quietly. ‘You were always, how can I put this, an evil genie.'

‘It's very kind of you to say so, Kiss, my old chum.'

‘My pleasure.' There was a moment of silence, disturbed only by the faint sighing of the interstellar winds. ‘So why the change of direction?'

‘Nah,' Philly answered. ‘Me, I'm consistent, always have been. And if I were you, I'd go and fly your doormat someplace else.'

‘Think I'll just hang around here for a minute, if it's all the same to you.'

‘Suit yourself.' Philly Nine stuffed the cloth bag ostentatiously up one sleeve, and folded his arms across his chest. ‘I'm in no hurry. All as broad as it's long, as far as I'm concerned.'

‘Good waves, up here,' Kiss said; and, by way of illustration, he let the carpet slip on the spacewinds. A long, slow ripple snaked its way down the length of the carpet. Kiss began to hum:

‘Cut it out,' Philly urged. ‘You know as well as I do you never did like carpeting. Made you space-sick just going out on the ionosphere. What exactly are you doing here, Kiss?'

Kiss smiled. ‘Stopping you,' he replied. ‘Gosh, from here you can see the big pimple on Orion's nose. Fancy a peppermint? '

‘I see.' Inside his sleeves, Philly's fists clenched. ‘And why would you want to stop me, Kiss? I never did you any harm.'

‘Never said you did, Philly. Always the best of pals, you and me. ‘

‘Quite.'

‘What have you got in the bag, Philly?'

Philly Nine smiled; and white lightning snapped out of his eyes, slamming into Kiss with traumatic force and sending him and his carpet spiralling away into emptiness.
Philly grinned and took out the bag. A tiny pinch of his fingernails and the knot loosened easily.

He turned the bag over, let go of the neck and shook it . . . . . . and found himself inside a bubble, bobbing jauntily with the starbreeze. Above him, Kiss looped his Wilton, waved, and ducked behind the Moon.

‘Bastard!' Philly yelled. On the floor of the bubble, seeds had landed. He rolled his left fist into a ball and smashed it into the wall of the bubble . . .

. . . which stretched.

Philly Nine noticed with some misgivings the rapidly thickening carpet of flowers round his ankles. They had already stripped the shoes off his feet (and Philly's shoes were rather special, even by genie standards; hand-stitched gryphonhide uppers, phoenixdown insocks and monomolecular polysteel soles; the gussets arc-welded in the hottest part of a supernova; the heel reinforced with the enamel from the teeth of a fully-grown snowdragon, the third hardest material in Creation. Imelda Marcos in her wildest dreams never imagined shoes like these . . .)

‘Hey,' he yelled, ‘let me out of here!'

‘You'll have to grant me three wishes first.'

Philly began to get impatient. ‘Kiss,' he shouted. ‘If you don't quit horsing around and let met out of this contraption, I'll kick your arse from here to Jupiter. ‘

‘Three wishes, Philly. You know the score.'

Petals like steel traps were slowly ripping his socks to shreds. Hand-woven from the fibres of firebird feathers (the second hardest material in the Universe) they had been custom-built to withstand the phenomenally corrosive properties of genies' sweaty feet. ‘No dice, scumbag,' Philly roared. ‘Get me out of here and I might just let you live. Otherwise . . .'

The last scrap of sock was digested, and Philly Nine suddenly became acutely aware that the hardest material in the Universe is the petal of a psychotic flower. ‘All right,' he screamed. ‘One wish. But I'm warning you, you're going to regret -'

The bubble popped; and Philly Nine was falling, helplessly entwined in roots and leaves, towards the Earth's atmosphere.

‘The wish is,' came Kiss's voice from far away, ‘that in future . . .'

Philly hit the atmosphere like a fly hitting a windscreen. For a fraction of a second the pain of impact paralysed him; and then he was through. Scrabbling frantically he managed to pull himself up on a handy thermal, and floated agonisingly in the upper air.

He glanced down and breathed a long, slow sigh. All the wildflowers had burnt up on re-entry - as had his shorts, his underpants and his impossibly expensive designer Hawaii shirt.

‘. . . In future,' sighed the winds around his head, ‘if you're going to be evil, make a mess of it. Have a nice day.'

 

Thirty-six hours later, the hole Philly had made in the ionosphere was still there. It was closing, but there was still a gap large enough for, say, a few wildflower seeds to drift through.

These days, nobody can seriously doubt that plants have the power to communicate; and the more self-aware the plant, the greater the power.

Ready?
asked the Primrose.

Ready
, replied the Forget-Me-Not.
Let's go.

Oh, you mean the
. . .

They dropped in.

 

 

 

 

J
ane looked up.

‘Where,' she asked, ‘have you been?'

‘Saving the world,' Kiss replied, materialising just in time to take the weight of the picture Jane was trying to hang straight. ‘Bit more left, I think.'

Jane stood back, nodded and made the adjustment. ‘What from?'

‘Annihilation by overgrown carnivorous plants, if you must know. Has it occurred to you that this one would look much better over there by the alcove?'

‘I beg your pardon?'

‘Over there,' Kiss repeated, pointing. ‘And then you could have the one of the three fluffy kittens playing with the ball of wool over there, where nobody would be able to see it, and that'd be verging on the ideal -'

‘No,' Jane replied, frowning, ‘before that.'

‘Overgrown carnivorous plants?'

‘Mphm. You are just kidding, aren't you? Only I never seem to know . . .'

Kiss looked offended. ‘I am not kidding,' he replied grumpily. ‘I was just looking out of the window when I saw
a disturbing fluctuation in the infra-red, which turned out on closer examination to be an old mate of mine heading into orbit with a small cloth bag stuffed up his shirt . . .'