Diving In (Open Door Love Story) (15 page)

“I love you,” I whisper into his ear.

He cradles my face with his crooked fingers and I tuck in to his touch. “And I love you,” Gabe whispers back. His eyes meet mine and he’s giving me The Look. “Now go put your clothes on so I can take them off again.”

I grin. “Yes, sir. But I’m living at my parents’ house—”

“I’ve got my own place,” he says, his voice husky.

I jump off his lap. “Meet you out front in, like, half of a second.” I rush into the locker room so fast, I barely have time to hear Gabe’s laugh chasing after me.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Gabe sings along to
Adore You
by Miley Cyrus, turning his head to me and really accentuating the You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo part.

“It’s amazing to me,” I say, “how you can be both adorable and super creepy at the same time.”

“Just wait until you see me naked.”

I roll my eyes. “No matter what, I’m not going to think your naked body is creepy. I’ve seen ninety percent of you and eighty-nine percent of that is the hotness.”

“Okay, but just warning you, I have a tube coming out of my low, low belly,” he says, checking with me.

“You have that kind of catheter?” I ask, glad to hear it. Internet research makes the mind go
places
. “So, your … is free to—”

“Do what it do.” Gabe clears his throat and goes back to singing. The radio has moved on to Imagine Dragons.

I’m relieved that we’re going to be able to have relatively normal sex. I’m still nervous as hell, but at least I won’t have to deal with bending tubing and fitting condoms over it and worrying about it hurting him, or even me. Not that I couldn’t have gotten used to that, it’s just nice that I don’t have to. Score one for the hard stuff being easier.

“What one percent is creepy?” Gabe asks, parking in the lot of a four-plex six blocks from the cleaners. “My legs?”

I shake my head. “Nah, your legs are fine, just skinny. I’m thinking of your left nipple.”

He pulls his shirt away from his chest and looks down. “Seems good to me.”

“Yeah. It’s way hairier that your right nipple. Lil’ bit creepy.”

Gabe smiles and turns off the van. “Aw yeah,” he drawls.

I hop out. “It’s cool. I can totally stick my tongue up my nose.”

“Yin and yang, baby,” Gabe says, waiting for the lift to fold back up into the van before wheeling over to unit number three. “
Mi casa
.”

I take an overview of the building. It looks like it’s in good shape and the landscaping is neat. It’s nothing special, which I’m sure is what Gabe was going for. A normal place someone our age would have as their first place.

He unlocks the door. “I got enough settlement money from Travis to buy a house,” he says, almost embarrassed, “but I wanted to see if I could handle being on my own before I went there.”

“Good so far?” I ask, brushing past him as he gestures for me to step inside.

“Better than expected. Grocery shopping and cooking for myself have been my biggest pains in the ass.”

“Ha,” I say, chuckling. “I think that’s every guy’s biggest problem when they move away from home.”

“True.” Gabe smiles, closing the door behind him. “Although most guys don’t make a spectacle of themselves trying to push a grocery cart.”

“I can only imagine.”

“Let’s just say I try to eat two meals a day at work.” Gabe rolls into the kitchen. “I suggest the self-guided tour.”

The inside of Gabe’s apartment is your standard white walls, beige carpet, gold fixtures package and I can check out the entire place from the middle of the family room. Front door leads into family room, backed by a galley kitchen with a sliding door out to a concrete slab patio. In the far right hand corner is the bathroom, next to that, the bedroom. His furniture consists of a brown canvas couch, gigantic TV, frameless double bed, and an unvarnished pine bedside table.

I finish spinning around. “I like it,” I say.

“Me too.” He hands me a generic bottled water from the fridge and then grabs one for himself.

I sit down on the right-hand side of the couch, leaving the left for him. He angles his chair next to the couch and lays his bottle down in the crack between two cushions. Gabe lifts himself up and sort of swing-tosses himself into the corner.

“A fine dismount,” I say, splaying my ten fingers and holding them up.

“So judgey.”

We’re quiet for a while, sipping our water. It’s not uncomfortable; we’re just not completely back to where we used to be.

“We can watch TV if you want,” Gabe says, reaching for the remote along the back of the couch. “Or, y’know, talk. We have a few things to say to each other.”

I give him a sad smile. “We’re not going to bone? I kinda thought that’s what this was.”

He hangs his head. “Fuuuuck. I shouldn’t have used all of my energy on that sweet couch mount then.”

I take a deep breath. “You should’ve come to the door after Christmas.”

Gabe nods, returning my sad smile. “I know. I was too … distraught is the right word although it sounds super emo.”

“Well, I’d given you something to be depressed about.”

He takes a deep pull off of his water bottle. “To be fair, things might have gone better if Izzy hadn’t shouted you all’s big secret about me across a lesbian bar.”

I cock my head and study him, wondering if he’s really all right. “To be fair, Izzy has always had a flair for the dramatic, and I don’t think you’d have found out any other way. I was pretty firm with both her and Travis that I wasn’t going to tell you. Ever.”

Gabe nods. “I get that. I don’t fully agree, but I understand where you’re coming from. Pretty much what you thought would happen, did.”

I chance scooting closer to him. This couch is firmer and he stays put. I take Gabe’s hand in mine. “Except … you came out of it. In the scenario in my head, your knowing ruined everything. The. End.” I bring his hand up to my mouth and kiss his knuckles. “Look at everything you’ve accomplished in such a short amount of time. This potential was just waiting inside of you and I was … I was like everyone else, Gabe, trying to control it.”

He pulls me toward him until I’m lying sideways across his body, resting my head on his chest. “Flat out, Brynn, you saved my life. Twice. Once in the water and once when I was drowning in a whole other way.” Gabe kisses my hair. “And I don’t really care about what went on in the past. Now that I know everything … it just doesn’t matter as much as we all thought it was going to. Travis is still my friend. Izzy’s still lost. And you’re still the person I want to be with.”

Sliding my hand up his chest, I curl my fingers around the back of his neck. “Then be with me.”

Gabe nods. “Go get in bed. I’ll be there in a minute.”

I climb off of him, bumping my butt into his chair and almost going ass over teakettle.

“You are so hot,” Gabe says, totally serious.

Which gets me more in the mood – you just never know what’s going to do it for you. I whip my shirt off and toss it at his head. He catches it before it makes contact with his face.

“Hot,” I say, removing my bra and launching it. He catches that too.

I kick off my shoes and sling shot my Kermit the Frog socks his way.

Caught.

Caught.

Down go my jeans and underwear. I hold my white cotton undies aloft. “If you catch these between your teeth, we’re never making it to the bedroom.”

He juts his neck out and sticks out his tongue, but then thinks better of it. “I want to make it to the bedroom.”

I drop my remaining garments to the floor and saunter past him with a sway in my hips. “Do what you gotta do. I’ll be in here. Super naked.”

Gabe clears his throat.

I pull back the light blue comforter and matching sheet and get in Gabe’s bed. It’s getting dark out and I look at the clock on his bedside table. My class would be over just about now. I hadn’t made any other plans for the evening. Dad and Grandpa were going to have dinner at the house and Liam and Dani had talked about going out, something I hadn’t been interested in.

No one needs me to do something for them, for the first time in a while.

The toilet flushes and then Gabe rolls out of the bathroom. He’s still got his boxers on, slung low. In the light from the family room, I can make out a clear silicone tube coming out of his stomach a couple of inches below his belly button. He’s taped it to his side and clamped the end of it closed.

“Last chance to run,” he says, wheeling into the bedroom, leaving the light off. He sets a condom on the bedside table.

“Not gonna happen. Get in bed FFCH.”

Gabe does a repeat of the couch dismount onto the bed, lying back against the pillows I propped up for him. “Hi,” he says, turning his head to look at me.

“Hi,” I say, kissing him gently … and then not so gently. I brush the palm of my hand up and down his chest, going lower with every movement. In the feel-zone, out of the feel-zone. My fingertips skim over the tubing, careful not to make contact with the entry site. It never heals over entirely. I do take a momentary break from our lip lock and glance down at it.

It’s not any more or less gross than piercings or gauges half the people I know have.

Gabe gets his hands in on the action, kneading my breasts, doing that good thing to my nipples with his thumbnail. I’m doing a lot of writhing, which usually, I guess, would be kind of in sync with my partner, except my partner can’t move his legs.

“Keep moving,” he whispers. “I love it.”

I don’t hold back, taking one of his hands and pushing it between my legs.

“Want to watch me do that to you?” I say on a moan. Who knew crooked fingers could come in so handy?

“Uh huh,” he breathes, his eyes bright as he follows my hand trailing down his body.

I breach the waistband of his boxers and take hold of him. Gabe pushes his underwear lower, exposing my hand stroking him, getting him semi-hard.

He sighs happily. “That’s a sight to see.”

“Oh, yeah?” I say, leaning over and taking him into my mouth. I’m pretty bad at blowjobs, having not had a ton of practice, so I’m glad Gabe is getting what he perceives as a good one without actually feeling its mediocrity.

“That pressure is nice,” he says resting his hand on the back of my head.

I continue on a while longer until I’ve got him erect enough to put a condom on. I sit up and slide the foil wrapper from the bedside table and open it. This, I am good at. I roll it down his length.

“Do you want me to return the favor before we have sex?” he asks. “I’d like to.”

I smile at him, sure that he would indeed like to get his head between my legs, but I don’t know how long his erection will last and I need this to happen.

“Later,” I say. “We’ve got time.”

Straddling his hips, I grasp him in my hand. He loses a little of his stiffness. With a flash of ingenuity, I pull the ponytail holder from my hair and slip it over him, doubling the elastic at his base. He gets harder.

“Smart,” Gabe says, his voice wavering.

I position him at my opening and lower myself. It feels … exactly how it’s supposed to.

“Good?” he asks.

I nod and put my hands on his shoulders, gripping them tightly as I rock my hips back and forth against his.

Gabe holds onto my waist, his fingertips light on my skin. My hair falls forward and encloses our faces, our foreheads touching. Gabe’s gaze meets mine.

“Step off the edge, Brynn,” he whispers.

It’s not long before I do.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I hurry into the house while Gabe waits in the van. Liam and Dani are sitting in the living room, playing on their phones dressed and ready for the funeral.

“Someone didn’t come home last night,” Liam says in a singsong voice.

“Someone will tell you about it later because she’s running late for her own mother’s funeral,” I sing back, running upstairs.

I take a five minute shower, yank on the black shift dress I got way on sale at Macy’s a few days ago, same with the black flats I jam my feet into, and fly back downstairs.

Everyone’s waiting in the living room, even Gabe.

“Dude, I can’t believe you just left your boyfriend sitting outside, how rude.” Liam smiles at me.

“Sorry!” I say, grimacing. “I didn’t know how he’d get in here. We’ve got steps at every entrance.”

Dad put his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him. “Liam got a piece of plywood from the garage and voilá, a ramp was born.”

“Thanks,” I say to my brother. “We should probably go. I’ll ride with Gabe if you guys don’t mind.”

Dad gives me a kiss on the temple. “No one minds, sweetheart.”

~

As it so happens, the handicapped parking is right next to the Family of the Deceased parking at the Trinity Lutheran Church, so we all get to go into the sanctuary together.

The joint is hopping. Every pew is twelve people deep, folks fanning themselves with programs.

Dad and Grandpa take the lead, then Liam and Dani, and Gabe and I bring up the rear. The crowd grows quieter as we head down the center aisle to the vacant first row pew reserved for family.

I wave to some of the regulars, Andy’s parents, Junnuen and her family, and my swimming class. Gabe stops me when we get to his parents, sitting on the aisle two-thirds of the way up. “I’ll stay here if you want. Your mom didn’t have any love for me.”

I snort. “She didn’t have love for any of us.”

Gabe’s mom smiles at me, sadness and apology in her eyes. “Go with Brynn, honey. She needs you.”

We head to the front and go to the end of the first pew, which is shorter than the others – a perfect place for a wheelchair. Once we’re all situated, Pastor Gerike comes out and stands in front of Mom’s tasteful mahogany casket topped with a spray of white calla lilies.

“Let us pray.”

Dad and Grandpa both do their assigned readings – neither of them making it through with dry eyes. Pastor Gerike gives a lovely sermon on forgiveness. We sing a few hymns,
Amazing Grace
going the best since everyone knows it. When it comes time for the eulogy, I take a deep breath and walk up to the pulpit.

“Oh, Brynnie,” I hear Liam say from behind me.

I smile at all the people who came to celebrate my mom, and they smile back at me with so much love I have to curl my toes in my shoes to keep from crying.

Not yet.

Gabe gives me an entirely inappropriate and needed catcall whistle. That gets everyone laughing and I relax some. I hold up the index cards I stashed in my coat pocket.

“True to form, Mom wrote the eulogy she wanted me to give.” I look down at the cards and then back up at everyone. “She said a lot of nice things about herself. Some I would agree with, some I wouldn’t.” I shrug. “But, hey, it’s her funeral, so what do you say we give her the benefit of the doubt?”

Breathe in, breathe out. Look at Gabe.

Begin.

“Kathleen Garrett had a blessed life full of wonderful, loving people that she loved in return. She was fortunate to run a business with her father and enjoyed working for and with him since she was a teenager. Kathleen was thrilled that her daughter, Brynn, will continue fostering the family business and adding her own unique spin on things.” I laugh and Grandpa and I share a moment. “Ahem, that was a dry cleaning joke in case you missed it.” A few chuckles pop up in the crowd.

“Kathleen was lucky enough to be married to the love of her life for twenty-six years and thanks God for her husband and their two exceptional children.”

“I feel like we should take a bow or something, B,” Liam says in a stage whisper.

I make a throat-slitting gesture at my brother. I’m nearly done.

“So, here Mom’s left some of it up to me and all it says is: insert anecdote here.” I let that sink in. “I couldn’t think of anything recent. It’s been a tough few years and forget about the last few months. So, I will tell you about my mom teaching me and Liam to swim.” Liam groans and I stick my tongue out at him. “Because Liam is older, he could kind of swim by the time I was ready – I was four and he was eight. But Mom didn’t think he was showing enough initiative, just dog paddling around the pool. So, she showed us how to do the butterfly stroke. It’s nowhere near the easiest, but it was her favorite. Liam caught on quick, like he does with everything, and feeling like he’d done what he had to do to get Mom off his back, he went to swim with his friends while Mom stayed with me … for two more hours.

“And I know what you’re thinking, because let’s be real, we all know how Kathleen Garrett was, but in this case she stayed because I asked her to. I wanted to get it right. Swimming the butterfly was something that was important to me and my mom worked with me until I could do it. My love of swimming began that day, and I know without a doubt that my mom was proud of me. Because her four-year-old was doing laps while all the rest of the kids my age were messing around in the baby pool with floaties on their arms.”

I look up to find quite a few people crying and I wonder if they’d maybe had a moment like that with Mom too. Something that made how she was the rest of the time forgivable.

“This is what I’m going to choose to remember about my mom. She wanted me to be the best and she put her everything into making sure that happened. That’s how she loved me – how she loved Liam and my dad and Grandpa – with expectations that couldn’t be met, with standards that were too high, with the hope that we would want the best for ourselves.” I pull in a deep breath. “Thank you.”

Pastor Gerike comes over and squeezes my shoulders. “Would anyone else like to offer up a remembrance of Kathleen?” Several people raise their hands and stand where they are, telling us about some little thing Mom did for them or how she used to make them laugh way back when. Finally Liam and Dani stand and a jolt of fear shoots through me. I love my brother, but I’m actually not feeling too horrible about my mom at the moment and would like to keep it that way.

Liam holds his hand up to me and then turns to the crowd. “My girlfriend Dani and I would like to sing my mom’s favorite song. Her
real
favorite song. As nice as
Amazing Grace
is, Pastor Gerike, Kathleen Garrett had a secret love of ABBA.” Liam winks. “And so do I.”

My brother and his girlfriend then proceed to bring down the fucking house with an a capella rendition of
Dancing Queen
.

I can’t help but think that Mom would’ve both appreciated the “screw you” aspect of it as well as the fact that Liam perpetuated the lie that she was more fun than she was.

After that everyone gets in their cars, some going ahead to our house to get the food laid out while the rest of us head over to the cemetery.

Gabe holds my hand while I sit on a cold metal folding chair and watch my mom’s casket be lowered into the wet spring ground. I let the crying start then.

I cry until Gabe and I are the only people left at the grave site. Then I crawl in his lap and let him take me home.