Divided (29 page)

“I’m sorry, it was just… I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.

We sat at the breakfast table quietly. I swallowed my piece of toast, looking around I didn’t see anything for the baby either.

“So do you have the nursery all set?”

“Stephanie was almost complete with her nursery. But I didn't put one here.” He said before stuffing his mouth with another bite.

 ”That doesn't make any sense.” I said looking at him, feeling dumb for not understanding.

“What doesn't?” He asked after taking a big gulp of orange juice.

“She was almost complete with it, but it’s not here?” I said before taking a bite.

Looking at Ryan like he had seven heads he answered. “Yes, you are correct, she had one at her house not here.” 

“Oh.” Feeling dumb for even bringing this up, but not being able to add a filter to my mouth I asked, “So you’re not living here anymore?” That would make sense as to why none of her stuff was here and everything was how I remember it.

“ No…
I
live here and she lived at her place.” Ryan looked at me like I was incompetent. My brain finally caught on to the conversation.

“But... Oh!”

Ryan put down his fork and pushed his plate forward.  “Just because you thought I should be with her didn't mean that
I
did. She found a place right after you left. Actually, I insisted she find a place the exact day you were left.”

“I just...” Unable to form any sentence that made any kind of sense, I stopped.

“You just assumed that since you left I would just pick up with her?” He inquired, frustration evident in his tone.

I bowed my head unable to meet his eyes. “Sorry I didn't mean to...”

“I love
you.
” He reached over the table and took my hands in his. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. After you left she thought that I would come back to her too, but my heart belongs to you. I tried to tell you.” My heart was kicking and screaming telling me I told you so.

“I’m sorry. I assumed.” I told him,

“It's ok. If you would had answered at least one of my calls then maybe you would have known.” He digged.

 His words felt like a punch in the stomach. I had no air in my lungs. “Ryan, I thought that by leaving...”

He interrupted before I could finish. “That you were doing the right thing, I know.” He stood from the table and grabbed both of our plates, loading them into the dishwasher. “But don’t you think that, maybe just maybe, I deserved at least a chance to explain. You left, when I repeatedly told you that I wanted you. I never gave you any other reason not to believe me.”

“It’s not that easy, Ryan. I couldn’t just answer the phone; I thought I was doing the right thing here not for you, but for your son. You didn’t come after me! You let me walk out. What was I suppose to do?” I threw back at him.

“You are supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt.” He said, with both of his hand placed on the kitchen counter looking out the window.

“Ryan, you are tired and this isn’t the place or time to discuss this. I’m tired, too. There is just so much going on and a lot of things changed in my life when I left.” I looked at him hoping he couldn’t read the guilt that was rushing across my face. He looked deep into my eyes for only a spilt second. I bit my lower lip and tried to look anywhere but directly at him.

Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes, changing the subject. “Do you want to go take a shower? I have some of your clothes that you left behind.” 

I stood up and place my empty glass in the dishwater standing next to him. “No, I’m ok. I’m going to check into the Hilton. I can be back in a couple of hours if you like.” I walked to the table where my purse was placed. 

Walking over to me he took my purse from my shoulder. “You are not checking in anywhere, go upstairs and shower. Is your suitcase in the rental?” I nodded.

“I’ll go get your stuff.”  He said, his tone allowing no room to argue.

I walked up the stairs and straight into Ryan's master bathroom. Undressing, I turned the shower on high. The powerful showerhead felt wonderful on my neck. Lathering my skin with
my
body wash, I thought back to the last time I was in here. How much had changed
.
 Not letting my mind wander too far, I washed my hair thoroughly and hopped out of the shower. 

I walked into my previous walk in closet wrapped in a towel and as Ryan said, I did leave some clothes behind but turned around and headed for his drawers instead. I stole a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and towel dried my hair before I walked down the stairs.

Walking into the TV room, I found Ryan asleep on the couch. I tiptoed over to him and took the remote so I could turn the TV off. I placed the remote down on the coffee table and turned around to walk away. Ryan's hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him.

“Lie with me please.” He pleaded.

Hesitating for only a second, I pulled the blanket from over the couch and covered us, lying down in front of him. He pulled me into him wrapping his arms around my waist and throwing his leg over mine. Within a few minutes his breathing was slow and calm and he drifted off to sleep. I fought to stay awake, willing my eyes not to close. I reveled in his embrace and didn’t want to lose the feeling but slowly, sleep came. 

The phone rang once. It was all it took for Ryan and I jump awake. I kicked the blanket off of me as Ryan ran to the coffee table to answer his phone.

“Hello... Hi mom... I'm home… No Alani is here with me… Yes last night… I’ll be heading back to the hospital soon... No, he is doing good...oh... of course...no, that's fine... Thank you mom.” He said.

I sat on the couch watching Ryan’s emotions go from scared to relieved to sorrow. He came and sat next to me, placing his hand on my knee.  

“My parents have arranged a funeral service for Stephanie and her mother.” He informed me.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, if you’d like I can stay with Stephen at the hospital so you can attend.” Not knowing exactly where I fit in with this.

“No. I need you next to me”. He placed his hands on my knee.

“Ryan, I don't want people to say anything.” I grabbed his hand. “People might find it disrespectful.” Taking my hands he wrapped both of his around mine.

“Bug, I don’t care what anyone says, I need you there. When I heard about the accident with Stephanie I froze, the world around me continued but I was stuck, unable to move. It wasn’t until I saw you there, frantic and standing in the hospital both scared and worried, that was when my life came back.”  He dropped on his knees in front of me, his eyes filled with sincere love. “It wasn’t till I saw you that my world came back to me. Please, Bug, I need you there.” I leaned into him and kissed the tear that was slowly trickling down his face.

“Of course I’ll be there.”
 

Chapter 19
Fought for You

T
he funeral ceremony and church service for Lauren and Stephanie was done in very good taste and very respectful. I stayed towards the back of the room, giving Ryan his space but still being there for him. The Kraft family had planned a beautiful wake and kindly asked that instead of sending flowers to the family to please donate to the church. Though it was just the two of them with no other family members, friends who loved them dearly surrounded them both. Unlike any other wake I had been to, no one mourned their deaths. Yes, everyone was sad about the unfortunate event but everyone there celebrated their lives. A couple of old friends from both Stephanie and her mother Lauren each took a moment to say a few kind words about each of them.

Towards the end of service Pastor Dale called on Ryan to give the eulogy. Ryan stood from the pew he was sharing with his mother and father. As he made his way to the podium, I took a second to admire the man that I had known for such a short time but I loved more than anything possible. I knew he was sad that his son would never have the opportunity to meet his mother, I knew that hurt him, and it hurt me that I couldn’t take his pain away.

“I was very close with both Mrs. Fuller and Stephanie.” Ryan said as he looked down to the caskets.

“Mrs. Fuller was like a second mother, she was friend, a mentor and a role model to her daughter. She was an angel in disguise surrounding all of us. She was never shy to lend a hand when needed and she was always involved in our community. Growing up I remember her being at every soccer, football, baseball, and hockey game. Always willing to help the parents and the school with volunteer work. Stephanie…” Ryan paused, he had to swallow the lump in his throat and blink away the tears. He cleared his throat and started again.

“Stephanie, gave me the greatest gift possible right before she passed. Our son Stephen will never get to meet his mother, but I’ll make sure that he will never go without knowing the person she was. She and I had been friends since we were kids. She was my best friend all throughout school. Though we had our differences, I’ll forever be thankful to her for giving me my son.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the congregation as he continued; Ryan’s speech touched all of our hearts. He explained that life was too short to let anger surround us, that at a moment’s notice our loved ones could be taken from us. I thought back to the moment when Michael called me, the floor was taken from me; a world without Ryan wasn’t a world I wanted to be a part of. Even if he and I weren’t together, I never wanted to know that he wasn’t making someone happy.

After the service Ryan and I both stopped at the hospital to see Stephen. Dr. Williamson greeted us as we both walked into the nursery wing.

“Ryan, Alani, I have some really good news.” She beamed from ear to ear. I reached for Ryan’s hands, wrapping my pinky finger with his. “Stephen is doing really well. He is getting stronger by the hour. You will be able to hold him today, and if he continues on this path you may even be able to bring him home within the next week.”

I smiled up at Ryan and was greeted with a huge smile on his face. It was a relief to see him smile again. Though he was holding it together, I knew that the past couple of days had been really difficult for him.

“Did you hear that? You get to hold your son.” I wrapped my arm around his waist and brought him closer to me as he bent down and kissed my forehead.

Once we were dressed in our scrubs we entered the NICU. Dr. Williamson opened the incubator and reached inside to lift Stephen, his tiny legs and arms stretching out.  Ryan placed his arms out to hold him but didn’t know how to properly hold a baby and after Dr. Williamson placed Stephen in his arms, Ryan’s face froze.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” I asked.

“I have never held a baby before, I’m afraid to hurt him.” He held his hands out as if Stephen were a sack of potatoes.

“You are doing great, Ryan, I’ll have one of the nurses give you a crash course on how to hold, burp, bathe, feed, and change him.” Dr. Williamson said as she walked over to talk to one of the nurses.  I knew the crash course would be a waste but I didn’t tell Ryan that. Training on a doll wouldn’t be the same as the actual thing.

“So how does it feel?” I looked at him.

“Indescribable, do you want to hold him?”  He asked as he slowly stepped my way.

“No, that’s ok.” I answer quickly, not wanting to take him in my arms. My biggest fear with helping Ryan with Stephen was the responsibility that came with caring for a child.

“Do you not know how to hold him either?” He asked, clearly scared of my answer.

“Oh no, I babysat all throughout high school and college. I just want you to get use to him.” I lied.

Stephen fussed for a little bit in Ryan’s arms. “Oh god, what did I do?”

“Nothing Ry, bring him to your chest and slowly rock from side to side.” As he began to rock, Stephen fell back to sleep.

After we were done at the hospital Ryan and I made our way back to his house. It was a long and trying day. I still hadn’t caught up on my sleep and it was beginning to catch up with me. As Ryan drove us home I closed my eyes to rest them for a bit. I felt my seat belt unclick and strong arms wrap around me. Ryan lifted me into his arms and I was greeted with his scent that I loved so much.

“Hmm…” I moaned.

“I know, Bug, you’re tired.” He said as he walked me up the stairs. When he passed the guest room I opened my eyes. I spent the last few nights in his guest room, not that Ryan had much of a say in the matter. It just didn’t feel right jumping right back into bed with him.

“Ryan…” I said.

“Yes.” I heard the enjoyment in his voice.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he closed his bedroom door behind him.

“I’m carrying you to bed, silly.” He placed his lips on top of my head and I melted when his lips touched my skin.

“I can see that, Kraft, but I was going to sleep in the guest room.” I tried to sound convincing, Not knowing exactly who I was trying to convince.

“Nope.” He placed me down on the mattress and took my shoes off before he brought the comforter up to cover me. “I can’t sleep without you here, I’ll place the pillow between us if you want, just please stay in bed with me. The last time I really slept was when you were still here. So please don’t fight me on this. Just let me have you close to me.”

I didn’t argue. I was so tired that I just rolled to my right and closed my eyes. The movement on the other side of the bed letting me know that Ryan had crawled into bed as well.

Ryan tossed and turned every five seconds. I counted every movement. Move. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Move.

“Ry, you okay?” I was still facing my side of the bed with my eyes closed when he let out a big sigh.

“No, not really.” I turned over to see him. Reaching over he turned on the lamp.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Are you seeing someone else?”
What?
His question was not at all what I expected.

“What makes you think I’m seeing someone?”

“The comment you said the other day, ‘that a lot has changed in you life since you left’. I just want to know. Are you?”