Distractions (41 page)

thought was right. It wasn’t easy, but she

knew Hannalore was better off.”

Stepping closer to me with his

chest puffed out aggressively, he was

starting to seethe just as I was. “You

honestly think she wouldn’t have chosen

her family?”

“You don’t know anything about my

family!”

“No, but I know what it’s like to

grow up without one.”

With that, I closed my eyes and

finally felt the pain he wanted to inflict

on me. He did blame me, and now he

had ammunition to fight harder. He was

hurting, so he wanted me to hurt, too. He

was either picking a fight to break me in

hopes I would finally cave, or destroy

me. Either way, we were both done.

“This isn’t about our families; it’s

about you and me. You want to know?

Hmm? You were right this week.

Someone did break me. They left me in

an emotional gutter to rot, and I was this

close to ending it all.” I held my fingers

together to emphasize my point. From the

look on his face, he wasn’t prepared to

handle what I was about to say.

“One beautiful little pill to make all

the pain go away and rid the world of

my destructive ass. I used to wonder

what could possibly drive your father so

far into making that choice, and you

know what? I saw it. When you realize

that you have destroyed everything good

in your life, it’s easy to get lost in the

dark.”

His head dropped and his voice

became quiet. “What stopped you,

Violet?”

The tears were burning behind my

eyes, falling slowly down my cheeks and

onto my jacket. I took off my glove and

touched the side of Shepard’s face. “You

did. I knew no matter how mad you were

at me, the thought that I ended my life at

the hands of an asshole would have not

only made you sick, it would have

devastated you. I knew I hurt you before,

but I couldn’t do that to you.”

He reached over to pull me closer,

but I reflexively stepped back. Stepping

forward towards me again, he gently

grabbed my arm. “Violet, who did this to

you?”

I kept stepping backwards, shaking

my head and beginning to mumble

incoherently. This is not a place I

wanted to revisit. Not now, not ever.

“Violet, please tell me!”

I knew now that it had started he

was not going to let it go. Reaching my

hands into my hair, grabbing fistfuls, I

quietly said the name I cursed on a daily

basis, “Connor.”

“What do you mean ‘Connor’ –

your ex? That was…you saw him when

your grandma died.” His voice conveyed

that he was starting to understand. He

was one of the few people who knew

what happened before, and the fact I

even allowed that door to open made me

deplorable. “That’s why you won’t let

me touch you, because of him.”

I nodded slowly to confirm his

speculations. “I wasn’t able to save the

ranch. I went out drinking just after she

died, but before the funeral. Connor got

the call that I was messed up and needed

to be taken care of. He showed up and

we got in a huge fight. I got even drunker

and blacked out. The next day we got

into an even bigger fight; I thought I

broke his nose. But we also talked and

settled some dust. He bought the ranch

under special conditions. I stipulated

that I have a year to come up with the

money to buy it back, or else it’s his

outright. He can’t sell it for a year

without Vivienne’s signature.

I really thought he changed. Twelve

years is a long time for someone to grow

up. So, I let my guard down and let him

in again. My flight home got cancelled

and I went to his apartment to surprise

him just hours after I left. I knocked on

the door and an eighteen- year-old girl

answered it, with Connor snaked around

her waist. He tried telling me it wasn’t

what it looked like. I can’t stand being

deceived. So, maybe now you can

understand why I am a little gun shy

when it comes to revisiting the past.”

We stood next to each other,

watching the sunset over the mountains. I

knew I just gave him a lot of information

to process, but after tomorrow our paths

may never cross again. I was being

realistic; he needed to know why I was

being so guarded.

“Violet, I am sorry…”

“Don’t be. I’m the one with issues,

remember?”

“No, about this.”

“What about it?”

“You were right, I set this up.”

A nauseous feeling started to weigh

in my gut. What I just sent out was about

to boomerang back into my face, I could

feel it. “What do you mean you ‘set this

up’?”

“This week…I knew you would be

at the airport, on that plane. I knew the

meeting would be cancelled…I work for

Balashov.”

I had to grip the railing to keep

from passing out. The world was

spinning so quickly, I couldn’t grasp my

bearings. I sunk to my knees and started

to breathe. “Why would you do that,

Shepard?”

As he leaned next to me, I flinched

away from him, suddenly afraid. I could

see the hurt in his eyes, but I kept

backing up the closer he got to me.

“I’ve waited so long to see you

again; the opportunity to spend a week

with you alone was too good to pass up.

I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just had to

get you away to know the truth.”

“The truth about what?” I felt

myself starting to have a panic attack. I

grabbed the railing as my knees began to

buckle, trying to breathe deeply, but

unable to due to the thin air.

He slowly moved closer, and

gradually, I stopped scooting away. He

began to talk me down the only way he

knew how – by giving me an out.

“The truth about us, that’s all.

Come on, I will take you back to the

hotel and drop you off in the morning so

you can be on your way. It’s up to you if

you want to still meet with Balashov, but

don’t feel obligated. For all it’s worth, I

wouldn’t have traded this week for the

world.”

His strong arm pulled me up to a

standing position and guided me back to

the tram. I kept my face lowered to hide

how puffy my eyes were. I mentally and

physically felt like I was descending

along with the tram. In less than twenty-

four hours, this God forsaken nightmare

would be over. We drove back without

saying a word and crawled into bed,

still not speaking. I didn’t take off my

clothes, and for the first time, fell into

the void without a struggle. I could feel

Shepard trying to pull me out of the

nightmares, but I couldn’t fully wake up.

When I finally stirred in the

morning, I could tell he had not slept.

Deep circles rested under his eyes with

a sadness I had never seen before. The

light in his eyes was gone; all that

remained was a shell. I wasn’t hungry,

so I took a shower and put on my suit

and heels. I felt strange, leaving the hotel

so dressed up, but it didn’t matter. I

stopped in the parking lot for a moment,

taking in the beauty one last time,

grateful for such an amazing day. After

snapping on the seatbelts, we both tilted

our heads in the seat as we faced each

other. I couldn’t stop my lip from

quivering. He tried to smile and

pretended to pull it off his face and hand

it to me, but I shook my head back and

forth.

“Keep your smile, you deserve it.”

Shepard bit his lip to stop what

was coming up from inside of him. The

veins in his eyes thickened, making them

red and glassy. His hand went up to

gently thumb away the tears that were

falling down my face.

With a cracked voice he made his

request, “Please don’t leave me again,

Violet.”

Chapter 37 - The

Rabbit Hole

The secretary guided me about

halfway into the small office that looked

east towards the Alps. I turned around

one last time to see Shepard looking at

me with both fear and horror at the door

that was about to separate us. Once

again, he had to suffer through a situation

in which he had no control, yet he would

deem it to be his own fault. I wanted to

believe that he had been stronger than I

had been and moved on…that he had

found a lovely woman and had beautiful

children…that he was happy. The man I

was walking away from was far from

that.

I wanted nothing more than to turn

around and run into his arms and run

away, to tell him how much I loved him

and how sorry I was for everything.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.

Becoming distracted by the dust

particles that floated in the sunlight,

falling slowly around me, I wished they

were snowflakes like the ones at

Fountain Square back in Cincinnati,

when Shepard and I danced to a tune he

hummed softly in my ear. I closed my

eyes and wandered to that place.

The door clicked shut, bringing me

back to the present.

“Hello, Ms. Phillips.” The chair

turned slowly around, putting me face to

face with the man who brought me

halfway across the world.

“It’s Doctor Phillips.” My voice

was curter than I intended.

“Of course, I was there when you

graduated. How I wish I could have

come to congratulate you myself, but you

understand. Please be seated.”

I sat reluctantly in the stiff leather

chair. Folding my arms tightly across my

chest, I was suddenly freezing. He

reached down into his bottom drawer

and removed a tall bottle full of amber

hued liquid, then two old cream-colored

coffee mugs. My teeth felt as though they

would crack under the pressure of

grinding them so tightly.

With a single look he knew I was

falling apart and would shatter with one

false move. He remained quiet as he

poured into the mugs and scooted one

towards me. “Drink this so we can talk. I

can’t afford to have you as wound up as

you are right now.”

Knocking back the harsh spirit

quickly, I scooted my cup back for more.

Without hesitation, he poured me two

fingers worth, then set the bottle next to

me. I didn’t have to see the label to

know what it was. It was the same bottle

I had purchased nearly seven years ago.

Back then, Jack and I had been asked to

search the lab for anything that was

missing; it was not lost on me that these

very items had vanished. I knew this day

would come.

“Violet, before I start, I have one

question for you. If I told you what you

were going to have to go through, would

you have done it?”

He knew the answer. Who in their

right mind would purposely endure

suffering in order to save so many? If I

knew what this would have cost me,

there was no way in hell I would have

done it.

“Why me?” The question came out

low through clenched teeth. I wanted to

scream and lash out angrily, but

remained unable to move. The tendons in

my body threatened to snap at any

moment; the liquor wasn’t kicking in fast

enough.

“Violet, you were the only one...I

knew who you were before I found you.

Trials either make people stronger or

tear them apart. For everything that has

happened to you, you still manage to

love. I believed in you, and I still do. I

know you think I left you, but I have

always been there, even though you

couldn’t see me. I have sent people to

watch over you. Unfortunately, things

happened that were beyond my control.”

My eyes felt like acid was poured

onto them, the heat searing from behind.

The last of my chains were being broken

off as I faced this painful truth about my