Distractions (29 page)

really was bottom.

Wine bottles and balled up tissues

littered the otherwise spotless hotel

room. My bottle of Valium sat on the

edge of the counter, begging to be

opened to dive back into the abyss.

When tragedy strikes, you always think it

cannot get any worse; then you find that

it can. Connor-fucking-Lewis. What a

piece of shit...but really, I am no better.

Looking out upon the crisp white

landscape, I cannot help but revisit the

last time I left here, and how I was just

as broken then because of him.

I stopped smoking years ago, but I

suddenly had the urge to light up and pull

the thick air deep into my lungs. I

ruthlessly brushed my teeth until blood

mingled with the remaining wine in the

bottom of the sink. Even the most basic

act of hygiene had become sadistic. I

knew what I had to do and it did not

make me happy. This demon would not

leave peacefully, so it had to be dealt

with head on. The understanding that I

could not drink for a while already made

me want nothing more than to find the

nearest bar. I allowed myself half a

sedative to get though the rest of the day,

detoxing everything else from my poor

liver. I felt nauseous driving to the

airport while memories flooded my

brain with sadness.

I was pregnant then. I went to tell

Connor when I caught him with her. I

was so angry with him. My hand rested

across my abdomen. He knew now...if I

were able to get pregnant, I wondered if

life would have tried again, and if so,

the outcome. It was like watching a

movie that didn’t seem real. Looking

down at my hands, I half expected to see

the bright crimson glow of something not

meant to be, but they were clean, as they

should be. Just like then, I had to wash

away regret and move on. My fingers

reached for the missing necklace, finding

nothing but bare skin. More tears poured

from the corners of my eyes. If there was

anyone worth destroying myself over, it

would be Shepard. He would have been

so ashamed of me.

Chapter 28 - Life

Raft

A month had passed since I arrived

back in Chicago. That morning, I

performed one last pap smear on myself

to ensure that I hadn’t contracted

anything again from Connor. I had

mastered the position to comfortably

insert the speculum and shine the light

and mirror to obtain the sample.

Checking my own slides kept the

indiscretion private. My obsessive

nature over the situation forced me to

rub my skin raw daily under near boiling

water, I was never clean enough. The

sterility of the lab was the only sense of

comfort I felt.

I didn’t hear Alessa walk in the

room; I only knew someone was there

from the sensation of the negative air

pressure created when she opened the

door. Remaining fixated on the computer

screens, my fingers typed furiously at the

endless codes. She took the seat next to

me and waited until I acknowledged her

presence. I wasn’t trying to be

intentionally rude; I just no longer gave a

shit about anything. My head dropped as

I pulled the small white buds from my

ears. No matter how loud I turned up the

music, it was never enough to drown out

my inner demons.

I didn’t look at her; I knew why she

was here. It was only a matter of time

before someone figured out what I was

doing. The blessing and the curse of

working here was that no one questioned

my actions. The sequencing before me

was a simple compound. If administered

intravenously, it would take mere

seconds to travel through my blood

stream and cross the blood brain barrier,

triggering

a

massive

dopamine

explosion. I could die a coward in bliss.

Like a cat, I could crawl away into a

dark place and let go.

Rubbing the cracked dry skin on my

knuckles, I watched as they started to

bleed from dehydration. Not a drop of

alcohol was in my system; I felt every

agonizing emotion keeping me pinned on

my back.

“Violet, we have to talk. I think you

need a break. We all do.”

I turned my head slightly to her

small voice. “I like how everyone

always seems to know what’s best for

me.” I laughed slightly at the irony.

“We just care about you, I care

about you. I called your sister and

bought you a ticket down to Key West.

You’re leaving in a few hours; let’s go

pack your bag.”

“What about here? I can’t just

leave.” That was a blatant lie. Looking

at the screen, she wasn’t a chemist but

she knew it wasn’t good. I was stupid to

think that Beacon didn’t have someone

monitoring the computers in the lab.

“Am I being let go?” I asked flatly.

“Violet, of course not. You think

Gladstone is going to give up his golden

child? He doesn’t know. Kimberly saw

the

algorithms

trigger

an

alarm.

Everyone thinks it’s just because of your

grandma. She called me so you don’t get

into trouble. Just because you can do

something doesn’t mean you should.

Were you really going to leave me just

like that?” Her expression was grieved.

Depression was a selfish bastard I

would never fully understand.

My chin started to tremble at her

altruism. No one had reached into my

darkness

before

except

Shepard.

Alessa’s eyes started to water once she

saw she got through to me. I was sinking

and here she was with a life raft.

“Destroy that, Violet, now.” As she

pointed to the screen, I followed her

direction and deleted all evidence of my

destruction.

“It’s backed up; I can’t get rid of all

of it. I need you to tell Ms. Knight.”

Exhaling shaky breaths to keep from

losing it anymore, I watched her pull out

her phone and send a text.

“It’s done; let’s go.”

My suitcase still held most of the

possessions I had taken with me to

Colorado. I sat on the bed as Alessa

rifled through my drawers, pulling out

various items. At the airport, she walked

with me to the security screening to

ensure I went through. Giving a brave

smile, she hugged me tightly, then rubbed

my shoulders before backing away.

“If you decide not to come back, I

will understand. Send me lots of pictures

of the hot guys you meet on Duvall

Street. Maybe I can join you later.”

I cracked up at her good-bye.

Weaving into the line, I started to

remove my shoes and belt when I saw

her approach again. Separated by the

rope divider, her face had grown

serious.

“Stay alert, Violet. Distractions

will be your undoing.”

Embracing me once more, she let

go quickly and headed for the exit. Her

comment left me deeply unsettled. The

ticket in my hand started to suddenly

have a new meaning. While standing in

line to board the plane to Miami, I

picked apart the past few hours. My

grief left me in a haze of self-absorbed

darkness. Breaking down did not mean

my obligations went away. I was selfish;

that was why it felt so good. I tried to

justify why I would be better off dead,

yet each reason was never concrete

enough to take that leap. William was on

my mind every day. I devoted myself to

understanding what makes someone that

desperate. Perhaps I had created a self-

fulfilling prophecy.

My preoccupation with the human

brain was consuming…how we discern

reality from fiction… why we dream,

ration thoughts, and create emotions…

our perception of the world from

infancy, and how the slightest events can

alter what shapes us as adults. Even

though I knew what William did wasn’t

directly my fault, I couldn’t shake the

thought that if I was more attentive, I

could have stopped it somehow.

The small prop plane to Key West

made me a little nervous, flying low

over the Gulf Coast. Peering out over the

swamplands into the emerald water, I

started to feel a little better. Alessa was

always telling me I needed to make this

trip; of course I was always making

excuses why I was too busy. Vivienne

would make the trek north to visit my

father in Ohio and occasionally swing by

Chicago, but it was never long enough.

The flight was short, arriving at the

small building in the mid-afternoon. It

was no bigger than a roadside diner with

a thatched roof entry, providing shade

away from the warm spring sun. A man

with a parrot was sitting on a bench

outside of the luggage claim next to a

chocolate lab sprawled out on the

ground at his feet. I joined him while

waiting for Vivienne to arrive. Sensing

there was a new person, the lab came up

to me and rested his head on my lap,

demanding his ears be scratched. Dust

floated off his coat as my fingers moved

back and forth along his fur. With closed

eyes, he was so content with this simple

action from a stranger. His owner turned

to me with a toothy smile.

“I think you found a friend there.

Bear there likes you.”

The old dog made me smile as he

tried to step up into my lap. I propped

my suitcase against the wall and sat on

the sidewalk where he promptly laid

across my legs. I didn’t care how dirty I

got. It had been years since I felt the

pleasure of a loving animal wanting

nothing more than my affection. I was

completely covered in dirt and dark hair

when Vivienne strolled up.

Cocking her head, she grinned at

the sight.

“Welcome to Key West, sister. I

see you have met one of the locals.”

Bear looked at Vivienne with a

stink eye, warning her not to take away

his new person. She bent down and

scratched his belly, causing him to let

out a big groan, along with passing some

gas. I rolled the big dog off me while

letting out a gagging noise. His owner

and Vivienne both howled in amusement.

Brushing off as best I could, Bear stood

up with a wagging tail, following us to

the end of the sidewalk. I knelt down to

give him one last scratch. After he gave

me a giant lick on the cheek, I bid

farewell to the sweet boy.

The short time her car was parked,

the inside was already sweltering. I

rolled down the window until the air

kicked in enough. Any makeup I was

wearing melted the moment I stepped off

the plane. As I snapped my seat belt into

place, Vivienne seemed elated I was

there.

“I kind of love your friend, Alessa.

I’ve been waiting forever for you to get

your ass down here; I hope you’re

ready.”

Nodding my head, I wondered how

much Alessa told her, so I went ahead

and asked. Vivienne pursed her lips and

gave a dropped expression.

“She said you needed to get out of

there and that you weren’t doing too

well. She didn’t elaborate. She said that

wasn’t her place, so I didn’t push the

issue. I am just happy you’re here.”

Breathing out deeply, I was thankful

she didn’t know how far off the deep end

I had gone. I didn’t tell her about

walking in on Connor. She would have

been on the next plane with a machete

and shotgun. It was one of those things I

really didn’t want to deal with, although

I knew I would have to eventually. By

then, I hoped to have the money to pay

off my debt and erase him from my life

forever. We pulled into a small shopping

center and went into one of those beach

shops that sold a little bit of everything.