Distinction: The Distraction Trilogy #3 (28 page)

Isaac
:
I know you leave for Scotland in two days. Are you going to say goodbye?

“You should always be humble, no matter if you’re better at doing something than somebody else. Teach them; don’t tease them. It’s much more rewarding.”

My mum said this to me often in the year she home-schooled me. It might be the exact reason why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. I wanted to inflict change. I wanted to douse the flame of bullies and get to know every single student. Even though I had a shit time growing up, I wasn’t bullied by everyone. There were more people in school tortured than there were bullies. I became a teacher to get to the root of it. I wanted to find out why the bullies were bullying and be a trusted friend to the bullied.

I wanted to teach my students in a way that they’d remember for years to come.

I lost my way. I lost my reasoning. I fell in love.

Would she be ashamed of me?

“I got a B in Maths,” I told her, staring at the paper that held the results to my A levels. “I’m not going to Cambridge.”

“You did amazingly. Look at your grades.”

“But I didn’t get into Cambridge,” I snapped, screwing the piece of paper up and throwing it at the bin. “I didn’t get in.”

“Honey…” She reached for me but I pushed her hand away. I was so close to crying. I hated how close I was to crying. “I’m proud of you, no matter what.”

“Pride isn’t going to get me into Cambridge.”

“Son,” my dad said softly. They both knew how hard I worked.

I was so obsessed with the thought of Cambridge. I’d been on tours, met my professors, made friends online. I was so certain that was where I’d be going. I was foolish and I was severely disappointed when it didn’t go my way, but in the end I still became a teacher, a good one. I was able to return to my family in their time of need. I became a good man.

Now I just need to prove that to myself and to Elle.

Isaac
:
You’ve been ignoring me for almost two weeks now. For fuck sake, Elle… Give me a straight answer. You have yet to give me a straight fucking answer.

We haven’t spoken in a while. I haven’t spoken to anyone in a while apart from my dad, who is doing a lot better than I am emotionally and mentally, though I do feel like I’m in a better place than I was.

He actually had a shower this week and went bowling with friends that are finally reconnecting with him after all of these years. I think he made them feel guilty at the funeral.

Sigh…

I know that I’m probably being petulant and desperate but I have a bad feeling. Something is gnawing in my gut; something isn’t right. My phone lights up with a text and I’m disappointed that it isn’t from Elle. It still piques my interest, but only slightly.

Darren
:
I need to talk to you. Call me.

The next message definitely piques my interest.

Darren
:
Please.

“Isaac,” he says after it rings twice.

“Darren.”

“Did you know that Elle is selling the inn?”

I sit up, alert at this news. “What?”

“I take it that you didn’t know.”

“All I know is that Silas dropped out. Elle and I aren’t exactly speaking right now.”

Darren sighs. “Just like her mother. Stubborn as a mule.”

“She not talking to you either?” I should feel happy about that but I feel nothing. I haven’t felt anything for a while now.

“No.” The phone rattles as he paces and I can hear his footsteps hitting the ground. “I called for a reason though… and if Elle, if she finds out…” He blows out a weary breath that has me instantly alert. “She’s in way over her head.”

“With the inn?”

“With everything and I know the guy who is buying Silas’ forty percent. He will push her out.”

This makes me angry. Elle has put all of her time, money and effort into this inn. “What do you suggest?”

“I want to give Elle the money to buy it from Silas, but she won’t accept.”

“You’ve offered?”

He laughs. “Am I stupid? Of course I haven’t. She’d say no without even considering it.”

“So what do you need me to do?”

“I need you to give her the money…”

What the fuck? “What makes you think she’ll take it from me? She’s not even answering my calls right now.”

“If you tell her you remortgaged the house, she might accept it as her half.”

“But you said that somebody else is buying it? How can she buy it if they’re buying it?”

He sighs deeply. “She owns the highest percentage. In their contract she gets first refusal. Silas has done this because he knows there’s no way she can afford to buy him out.”

“Are you sure Elle even wants this?”

“Of course I’m sure…”

“Then I’ll remortgage the house.” I run my hand through my hair.

“I’m offering the money…”

“You don’t need to. I’ll remortgage the house and give it to her.” Against my better judgement and against my loathing for this man, I add, “After she accepts, I’ll tell her what you planned to do for her. Maybe she won’t hate you forever.”

He falls silent for a long moment. “I don’t know whether to trust you or not.”

“Right back at you. Send me the details, the amount and whatever else. Okay?”

“Fine.”

I hang up and pinch the bridge of my nose right before I call my bank and set up an appointment. The things we do for love.

“Who was that?” My dad asks after I hang up the phone to the bank. “Why do you need to see a mortgage adviser?”

“I want to remortgage the house.”

His eyebrows hit his hairline. “Why?”

“Because I want to give Elle the money to by the inn outright.”

His lips part. “Oh.”

“You disagree?”

“I don’t understand why you two aren’t back together.”

I shrug and run my tongue over my lower lip. “She’s scared.”

“So make her not scared.”

My eyes roll heavenward. “How? You don’t think I’ve tried?”

“Nope. I think you’ve insulted her, slept with her and told her a bunch of pretty things that she doesn’t even believe.”

His words sink in. “I don’t have the emotional capacity to fight for her right now. I’m too…”

“Upset?”

“No.” I wish I were upset. “I’m too fucking numb.”

“You haven’t cried; you haven’t grieved yet. Have you?” His eyes are round with sympathy and his hand lands on my shoulder. “It’s okay to lose control for a while.”

“I feel guilty, Dad.” My voice cracks, though I try to keep it level. “I can’t get her out of my head.”

“Elle?”

“Mum.”

My dad takes the seat beside me. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You’ll hate me.”

The hand on my shoulder squeezes before releasing. “I will never hate you.”

Well, seeing as I’ve already had so many revelations lately, I may as well admit another. “I was relieved.”

“Come again?”

“When I saw mum dead… I felt fucking relief.”

My dad stills and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands as I rest forward on my knees. Both of us must paint such a morbid picture. Our grief swirls around us in thick waves. The atmosphere is thick and unwavering.

“I did too.” I hardly catch this. If I weren’t sitting so close to him, I wouldn’t have heard it at all. “I felt like she was finally at peace.”

“Do you think she’ll hate us for it?”

“No.” His smile shines bright, even though tears fill his eyes. “I think she’s hate us if we tortured ourselves over it. She hasn’t been here for such a long time. We got to say goodbye. So many people don’t get that chance.”

“I missed her last moments.” A lump rises in my throat as I recall walking in to see her already dead body. “I fucking missed them.”

“No you didn’t. You were right there with her at the end - the last time she recalled a piece of herself three and a half years ago, when she looked at you and put her hand on yours.
That
was her last moment.”

A choked sob climbs its way up my throat as I recall that day. I’d almost forgotten. She’d been mumbling to herself and throwing things around. Her tantrum had been bad that morning and even the staff were struggling to cope with her.

I gave up trying to distract her, trying to restrain her, and I sat down, annoyed at my inability to control the situation. That’s when she sat down beside me. She leaned forward and caught my eyes with hers, her hand settling over mine, and for a brief moment, just a fleeting second, I saw my mum in the depths of those beautiful eyes.

Tears spill from my eyes, slow, heavy tears that I’ve long been ready to cry, and with them come all of the emotions I’ve suppressed for two weeks.

My dad places his hand on my back as I bow my head and rub the moisture from my cheeks. “It’s okay to cry. It doesn’t make you weak.”

“I miss her.”

“Me too.”

We fall into silence and let the tension in the room melt away with our grief. It will always be there, I’ll never stop loving or missing my mum, but I’m not going to keep using her death as an excuse to push away my own life.

“You need to go back to Boston and reclaim your job before they fire you.”

I nod; he’s right. “We both need to start living again.”

“That we do.”

Isaac
:
You’ve been ignoring me for almost two weeks now. For fuck sake, Elle… Give me a straight answer. You have yet to give me a straight fucking answer.

I stare at the phone as my hand trembles, making the text appear blurred.

“It’s positive,” Hayley says and I launch my phone across the room. It shatters on the wall sending tiny shards of glass in all directions.

“Of course it is,” I spit, bitterly.

“Elle…” she throws the test in the bin by the door after registering the fact that not only is she holding something I’ve peed on but I don’t much relish the thought. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you wanted.”

“I’m just starting an apprenticeship! I’m just getting my life together.”

This has come too soon. I’ve been careful. I’m always careful. I just had my coil replaced! Did it fall out? How did I not feel it fall out? I recall the painful cramps that I got after it was swapped and feel nauseous. I was in too much pain to notice probably.

“Are you going to tell Silas?” She asks quietly and sits beside me. “Maybe he’ll stop with the…”

“He’s not the donor,” I say quietly and think back to that crazy, wild, passionate few minutes in the kitchen.

Hayley squeezes my hand, her surprise evident. “Then who?” I give her a telling look. “Isaac?” She’s on her feet, her mouth hanging open, her eyes wide. “You’ve slept with Isaac and you didn’t tell me?”

My lips thin. “Today is the first time I’m seeing you since your wedding!”

“Right… but you know… really? Isaac? Are you two getting back together?”

“No!” I cry, feeling my heart begin to race as I try to assess what the fuck is going on. “No. I’m better off single.”

“And the baby?”

“It’s not a baby, Hayley. It’s a group of cells. At the moment it isn’t even that. I can’t be more than eleven days along.” I’m only late on my period by two days.

“You’re terminating…” She says, her voice neutral.

“I don’t want a baby. I don’t want kids, especially not now.”

Hayley sighs deeply. “Do you want me to make the appointment?”

I shake my head and close my eyes for a moment so I can compartmentalise everything I’m trying not to feel. “I don’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. The fucking coil is supposed to prevent this!”

“Maybe it fell out? When was the last time you checked to see if it was there or not?” She takes note of my wince and clucks her tongue.

“I was just thinking the same thing. I had it replaced after my last period.” I rub my eyes with my hands. “It must have fallen out. What are the fucking chances?”

“Well, shit.”

“It’ll be all of the manual labour I’ve been doing lately, probably dislodged the fucker. Or the doctor didn’t insert it right.” I don’t want to blame the medical professionals but I’m so fucking disoriented by all of this.

“Whatever it is, it’s too late to fix now.”

“I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

“I think… I think you should tell Isaac.”

Is she crazy? “Not a chance. I made my decision with regard to Isaac and I’ve made my decision with regard to this pregnancy. Knowing will only hurt him unnecessarily. This is my burden to bear.”

“And mine,” she mutters and now I wish I hadn’t come to her.

“You promised me you wouldn’t judge me.”

“That was before I realised what a bitch you’d become,” she snaps, startling me. “He deserves to know. This is the twenty first century. How would you feel if he kept something so huge from you?”

“Again… you promised!”

“I just feel like you’re making a huge mistake that you’ll regret!”

“Regret?” I hiss, feeling myself lose control. “I regret fucking everything, Hayley. I’m about to lose my inn to a man I’ve never met because of a man I screwed over unintentionally. I’m not speaking to my parents and I hate that because I miss them, but I’m too angry at my dad who screwed me over intentionally. I’m pregnant with my ex’s cells, but it’s not even the ex that is fucking me over right now. It’s the ex that fucking fucked me over five years ago… Oh, and I leave for Scotland
tomorrow
to start the job of my fucking dreams!”

“Elle…”

“I’m in way over my head. I can’t cope with any of this.” I tell her quietly and finally her arms come around me. The hug I didn’t realise I needed finally comes and I accept it eagerly, desperately. “I’m losing my mind.”

The door opens and Tyler pokes his head around it. “Is everything alright?”

“Get out!” We both yell and Hayley throws a pillow at the door. He closes it, shouting apologies and offering wine.

“Just promise me,” she whispers and brushes my tears away with her thumbs. “Promise me you won’t make any decisions or do anything without me.”

“Promise.” I hug her again. “What am I going to do?”

“I… I don’t know. I can’t believe this is happening.”

I know that she feels the weight of my burdens almost as heavily as I do. She’s a good friend; a better friend than me.

“But I really hope you’ll speak to Isaac.”

“I’ll think about it. I need time to come to terms with everything on my own first.”

She smiles faintly and pulls me in for another hug. “I understand. But you’d better call me, day or night, if you need to talk.”

“You too,” I say and pull back.

“Let’s go and eat something.”

“I’m not feeling hungry. I think I’m going to nap. You don’t mind, do you?”

She smiles softly and shakes her head. “Of course not. Tyler will be an okay substitute I suppose…” Her hand gently picks up my broken phone and holds it up so she can assess the damage from all angles. “Why would you do this to such a beautiful piece of tech?”

“Will you text my mum to tell her it’s broken but that I’ll call her when I arrive in Scotland tomorrow?”

“Sure.” She pulls her own phone out of her back pocket and starts tapping the screen. “What about the inn?”

“Don’t even get me started on that.” I sigh gravely and roll my head to relieve the ache in my neck. “I’m so stressed already. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to come out? Looks like you could do with a drink.”

Alcohol… the only way I can forget myself and my troubles for the night. “I can’t drink, remember?”

“But if you’re terminating anyway… what does it matter?”

The thought of drinking alcohol and distressing the cells in some way sends an ache through my heart. It’s a crazy thought, especially since I’m forcing it from my body.

It’s just a bunch of cells.

It probably hasn’t even attached to the wall of my uterus yet.

I repeat the words over and over again in my mind until it becomes a chant and even has its own backing tune.

“I’ll pass,” I croak and clear my throat to dislodge the lump there.

“Okay, I love you lots.” We hug again and she leaves, placing my shattered phone on her desk as she goes.

My hand goes to my stomach. Even though I don’t want this situation, the crazy notion that there’s something inside of me right now, growing and taking shape, leaves me feeling no small amount of wonder and awe. I prod the skin gently and sigh before flopping back onto the bed.

My life is fucked. What am I going to do?

******

Scotland is by far one of the most beautiful places in the UK. It has so much countryside, so much history. I can’t wait to visit the Loch and search for the Loch Ness Monster. It’s on my bucket list and nobody had better try to tell me that it’s not real.

I spend the next ten minutes fumbling with my borrowed phone as I wait in a small cafe for Gregory Hamish to join me.

Mum
:
How is it?

Eloise
:
It’s cold.

Mum
:
I have a bad feeling…

Eloise
:
About?

Mum
:
This venture… something. I don’t know! I got this feeling before you went to France too.

Eloise
:
I’ll let you know if it’s warranted but don’t worry, I don’t plan on eloping with anyone this time.

Mum
:
I know. <3 I love you.

Eloise
:
I love you too.

Then Isaac’s text comes through.

Isaac
:
How is Scotland? Thank you for saying goodbye before you left… Oh, you didn’t. Oops.

Sigh…

Eloise
:
Things aren’t great right now, Isaac. I’m sorry, but I just need some alone time. Please give my love to John.

Isaac
:
And she responds! Hallelujah!

“Miss Blackburn?” I look up into the wrinkled eyes of Gregory Hamish. He looks haggard and unkempt; his clothes are covered in paint and there is sawdust in his hair. I don’t mind though. I’m in the presence of a master. Taking his hand, I stand and stare, starstruck. “I’m sorry I’m late. I got lost in my work and well…” He motions to his clothing. “I came without changing. Ordinarily I’d meet you in something more presentable.”

“That’s fine, it’s an honour. Thank you for seeing me.”

He grins and motions for me to sit. We talk paperwork and I show him my portfolio. I almost cry when he tells me how impressed he is and then we leave to see his latest project, which I’ll be his apprentice on. If I do well, he’ll take me on full time.

I wish I had somebody to celebrate this with.