Did You Read That Review ? (29 page)

912 of 949 people found the following review helpful

What Do You Mean I Can’t Bring My Milk???

By
Kevin “KP 2001”
, May 25, 2009

I approached the airport security gate and fed my bags into the X-ray machine. “Sir,” said the TSA agent, “is this your bag?”

“You know it is,” I replied.

“There’s no need to get testy, sir,” he said. The agent escorted me over to a side table. “Do you mind if I search your bag?” he asked.

“What will you do if I say no?” I asked.

“I’ll take you in the back room, and we’ll strip search you,” he replied.

“Then by all means, go ahead and search the bag,” I said.

The agent opened my bag and peered inside. “What do you call this, sir?” the agent asked, holding up a pair of nail clippers.

“Those are nail clippers,” I said.

I’m going to have to confiscate these,” he said.

“That’s all right,” I replied. “They sell them for a dollar in the store next to my departure gate.”

The agent looked at me with hate in his eyes. He looked back into my bag and pulled out my gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk. “Sir, you can’t take this on the plane,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because, if you have more than three ounces of a liquid you could use it to blow up the plane,” he said.

I was astonished. I had no idea that Tuscan Whole Milk was so powerful. “May I drink it now?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “Liquids are harmless once they are inside of you.” I drank the entire gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk that I had purchased on
Amazon.com
while the people behind me grew increasingly impatient. It was delicious. I did not blow up.

125 of 129 people found the following review helpful

The Tuscan Wind

By
J. Reeve
, August 1, 2008

It was the last day of summer, and the Tuscan wind played with their hair. They leaned against the railing of the balcony, looking up at the stars. “In Italiano, we call it the Via Lattea,” he said, savoring the last syllables of the Italian word like they were bites of creamy tiramisu.

“That’s beautiful,” she said, looking into his eyes with white thirst.

“Si.” His arm grazed gently against hers. “If only…if only we had a gallon, one hundred…”

“…and twenty-eight fluid ounces?” she said, producing a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk from the folds of her evening dress.

“How did you know?”

“Oh, Amato,” she said. “I’ve known all along.”

33 of 34 people found the following review helpful

Seriously misleading

By
Mad Gremlin
, January 24, 2013

Doesn’t taste a darn thing like a Toucan. I thought,
Whoa, tropical bird flavor
. Boy was I wrong. Returning this immediately.

114 of 128 people found the following review helpful

Breakfast nooks of darkness

By
Gunter Doorgunner
, July 20, 2006

My grown children and I sat down to breakfast this morning looking forward to trying this new…milk we bought online. At first it seemed absurd to buy milk and have it shipped at almost three times the cost of the milk itself. But then…we tasted it. It didn’t taste like milk at all. It tasted…better. This could not have come from a cow. Men of great knowledge must have…engineered this substance. I couldn’t help myself; I had to have more. I finished my glass like a man just rescued from the desert. And I remember…I…I…I cried…I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized…like I was shot…like I was shot with a diamond…a diamond bullet right through my forehead…and I thought
: My God the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure.
And then I realized they were stronger than we.

53 of 55 people found the following review helpful

The milk of heterosexuality

By
Leon Dekelbaum “process613”
, August 11, 2006

I had struggled with homosexuality for years. I tried pills, figure-skating deprivation, even spent a weekend watching Richard Simmons workout videos. Nothing helped. Then when I was home for Fourth of July this year, my mother offered me a tall glass of Tuscan Whole Milk. Seeing how thirsty I was and how cold and pure the milk was, I eagerly drank deeply. Then it started. Images of cats filled my subconscious. Jessica Simpson suddenly seemed talented. And the desire to biologically fill the world with as many children as humanly possible filled me with a primal urgency. My mother looked up at me, smirking, as she dialed her friend Mindy Schwartz. “Mindy, have I got a boy for your Rivkah…”

Revolutionized my view of Quantum Mechanics

By
Michael
, June 5, 2013

It came just in time one day as I was stuck on a particular philosophical quandary. I opened up the package and lo and behold—the jug was empty. Revelation replaced agitation. The milk wasn’t there. Perhaps, it was never there to begin with. And thus, is the true nature of reality. My brain and 82-page thesis paper would like to thank the good people of Tuscan and Amazon for providing me with the catalyst for great intellectual discovery.

37 of 37 people found the following review helpful

The product name may have changes…

By
Lester Moore
, October 16, 2013

…but it’s the same Bantha milk those detestable raiders have been peddling for years. I will never forgive them for what they did to the Skywalker family.

Who do you think you’re fooling Tuscans?

51 of 54 people found the following review helpful

No Truth in Advertising