Dick by Law (3 page)

Chapter
6

Normally, Simon played the role of a caped crusader to help other people, like
little
old ladies getting conned out of comic book treasure troves. But in the weeks after Greg's slashed wrist and the washing machine m
ess, Simon
had to fight for
himself
for a change.

All he wanted was a little compensation for the damage from the disconnected washer. It seemed fair
that 5G5
should pay
him something
for the ruined l
aundry room and kitchen floor.

But getting paid for damages turned out to be harder than he expected. Just
filing
a damage claim turned out to be a
n ordeal
.

After the accident in the laun
dry room, Simon called 5G5 and said he wanted to file a claim. The guy at 5G5 told him they'd send someone out right away to assess the damage.

Three weeks and f
ifteen phone calls later, 5G5 sent out someone Simon
thought
was a claims adjustor. The guy took a few notes
,
shot a
few photos
,
and that was that. On the way out the door, the guy
said a
real
claims adjustor would be in touch soon.

But the 5G5 guy was full of shit when he said that.
Six weeks
went by without a peep from an adjustor. Simon spent the time getting more and more pissed
off
and making over
thirty phone calls
to 5G5.

Then, finally, a
claims adjustor called him back from the 5G5 claims center in Pittsburgh.

During their conversation, t
he adjustor s
eemed like a perfectly nice guy. He had a deep, soothing voice, and he acted polite and concerned and helpful.

His name was Horne Shaw. He went over Simon's cl
aim over the phone, then said it would take a while to process. He told Simon he'd have to call him back.

After which three
weeks flew by without contact. Totally fed up, Simon started calling every day, leaving messages on Shaw's voice mail. He didn't hear back for
another
three weeks.

Just when Simon couldn't stand it another day, just
when he thought he was going to lose his mind, Shaw called back.
He said he had the results of Simon's damage claim in front of him.

"We have considered your claim care
fully, Mr. Bellerophon."
Shaw's
deep
voice was
congenial
over the phone. "I'm pleased to say we can finally put this regrettable incident behind us."

"Great." Simon shuffled
In¢entive$
-related paperwork on
his
kitch
en
table, phone handset clamped between his ear and shoulder. "So what's the good word?"

"Just a minute," said Horne. "Now where did I put those numbers?" Simon heard the sound of rustling papers over the phone, then a smack, as if Horne had slapped his desk. "Here they are. Now let's see. Dum de dum dum."

Simon sorted more paperwork as he waited. His neck started to ache from keeping the phone clamped against his shoulder.

"All right, okay," said Horne. "Here it is. The word is...you get nothing."

Simon stopped shuffling papers. "Excuse me?"

"That's right," said Horne. "You get
absolutely nothing
. Your claim is
denied
."

Simon was in shock. "For what reason?"

"Because you waived the right to sue," said Horne. "Remember that release you signed?"

"Release?" Frowning, Simon slipped the phone from his shoulder. "What release?"

"Our delivery man, Zeke Cutler, h
anded you a form
just before he left for the hospital with his partner, Greg Weyland. Any of that ring a bell?"

Simon's frown darkened. He
vaguely
remembered initialing a form in the chaos before the ambulance arrived for screaming, bleeding Greg. He
hadn't realized at the time
that
it c
ould lead to
this
...that Zeke had had the presence of mind, even as his partner was gushing blood from a slashed wrist, to protect the 5G5 company from paying out a
damage claim
.

"So you won't pay for the buckled linoleum
tile or the warped underlayment?
" said Simon. "Or the ruined drywall and cabinets, all of which were your delivery men's fault
?
"

"Not a fucking
cent."
Horne's tone remained
as
smooth as ever. "But you already
knew
that if you signed the release."

"I had no idea it was a release," said Simon.

"It said so clearly at the top of the form," said Horne. "And several other places on the form, too."

"You know damn well I couldn't read it," said Simon.

"The fact that you're
illiterate
doesn't cancel the agreement you signed."

"I didn't
read
it because I was too busy dealing with your injured
delivery man
," said Simon.

"Not mine," said Horne. "He's a subcontractor."

Simon was on the brink of going off...but he caught himself and drew a deep breath.
Maybe
it was time for a different tactic
. "I'd like to
speak to a manager."

"No can do," said Horne. "When it comes to damage claims, I do
all
the talking for 5G5."

"Then send me back to the receptionist," said Simon.

"She won't connect you to a manager, either," said Horne. "We run a
tight ship around here.
"

They sure did. Simon was boxed in, and he knew it. Better to end the call without giving asshole Horne any more satisfaction...then look for a better strategy later. "Well,
thanks
a lot." He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Have a
great day
."

"Don't mind if I do!" Horne sounded more smug than ever. "You, too, Mr. Bellerophon."

"Yeah, sure,"
said Simon.

Horne paused a beat...then added one more thing. One more straw on the camel's back. "See you later, alligator
," he said, and then he laughed.

And that, of everything he'd said, was
what put Simon over the edge.

See you later, alligator.

Horne was still laughing on the other end of the line when Simon clicked off the phone and put down the handset.
And that was when he knew.

That was when he knew
exactly
what he was going to do next.

 

*****

Chapter
7

 

Tucker County Courthouse

Melville, Pennsylvania, 9:31 a.m.

Three weeks
later, Simon sat at the plaintiff's table
near
the front of
the main
courtroom in the Tucker County Courthouse.
The first phase of his plan seemed to be going pretty
damn
well.

He
was suing to have Horne Shaw legally declared a dick...and so far, Judge Jonah Bartlebaugh hadn't thrown out the case. In fact, Judge Bartlebaugh actually seemed to be
enjoying
it.
He didn't seem to be in
much of
a hurry to
wrap it up
.

Horne'
s lawyer, the enormous blowhard
Delroy Swope,
was trying
to get the judge to dismiss the lawsuit as frivolous
. But Judge Bartlebaugh
wasn't rushing to take
his side.

"
Is
it
frivolous?" Judge Bartlebaugh raised his eyebrows at Simon. "You don't want a new washing machine. You don't want money. You don't want any form of compensation for the damages you've suffered."

"Correct, Your Honor," said Simon.

Judge Bartlebaugh grinned and shook his head. "You just want the court to acknowledge officially that the defendant, Horne Shaw..."

"...is a
dick
." Simon nodded. "Yes, Your Honor."

"A dick," said Judge Bartlebaugh. "As in a person of low character."

"I see it as doing a service for society," said Simon.

"I think it's our
duty
to identify people like him."

"Your Honor, I ask
again
that you dismiss this most
frivolous
lawsuit." Swope
combed pork sausage fingers through his shock of wavy white hair. "Suing to have my client branded a
dick
is an
extraordinary
abuse of both the court's
time
and the county'
s
money
."

Judge Bartlebaugh smirked.
"Yo
u want to talk about abusing
time
?"
He
tapped his
desk with
an
index finger. "Try sitting up here day after day
dealing with
one boring
drug arrest
or
property line
beef
after another.
This
dick
case is a breath of fresh air!"

"
We will demonstrate that this suit has
significant
merits,
Your
Honor,
"
said
Quinn.
"We seek an injunction under the public nuisance statute. We will prove that
Mr. Shaw
is a
nuisance
to the
public
, and as such, deserving of regulation.
"

Judge
Bartlebaugh
unwrapped
a hunk of
pink
bubble
gum
and popped it into his mouth
. "
The statute was written with
other
nuisances in mind.
Are you comparing
Mr. Shaw
to a
strip mine
or
hog farm
?"

"If the shoe fits." Simon said it just loud enough for Quinn to hear.

But Qu
inn gave no sign he'd heard. "
Mr. Shaw
fits the very
definition
of public nuisance. He is offensive and annoying to the people of this community and others."

"
Your Honor..."
said
Swope
.

Quinn wouldn't let him
interrupt
. "
Mr. Shaw
actually
exceeds
the definition under the statute. Not only is he offensive and annoying, but he actively causes
pain
and
suffering
on a regular basis."

"
Bull
shit!
" Face flushed,
Horne
popped
up out of his chair.

Swope pushed him back down. "I object to Mr. Keegan's characterization of my client!"

"In
ten years
as a claims adj
ustor for 5G5 Delivery," said Quinn, "how many claims has
Mr. Shaw
paid out?"

"That is not
relevant
," said Swope.

"
Zero
." Quinn returned his gaze to Judge Bartlebaugh.
"He has never paid
one penny
to a customer."

"Objection!" Swope's ample jowls
jiggled
with rage.

"And you
know
it's not because there weren't any
damages
in ten years." Quinn
spread his arms wide. "It's a furniture and appliance
delivery company
, for heaven's sake."

Simon got a chill up his
spine
. Listening to Quinn when he hit his stride was
hardcore
stirring. He was like a super-hero in a
black
pinstripe suit and red tie.

"You will
see
, if you give us the chance," said Quinn, "
that
Mr. Shaw
is
at best
a nuisance and
at worst
a genuine
threat
to the public good."

Judge Bartlebaugh
narrowed his eyes
. "
But t
he injunction
specifically
says
dick
.
How do y
ou plan to prove he's not just
a
nuisance
, but a
dick
?
"

Quinn held up a sheaf of papers. "We have signed affidavits from
dozens
of people supporting our..."

"Yes, but i
t's subjective." Judge Bartlebaugh rocked back in his chair and gazed at the ceiling
, chewing his gum as he spoke
. "We might as well call him a
fuckwad
or a
shit-for-brains
."

"
Hey!
" said Shaw.

"Your Honor..." said Quinn.

"Why not change the complaint?" said Judge Bartlebaugh. "Leave out the 'dick' part."

Quinn
stared
at Simon
with special intensity.
The truth was, Quinn had hated the "dick" concept from the get-go and had tried many times to talk Simon out of it.

But the answer was still the same.

"That would be missing the point," said Simon.

Quinn stared so hard, he looked like his eyeballs were about to pop out
.

"
H
e's a
total
dick
." Simon hiked a thumb toward
Horne
.
"People should
know
."

Judge Bartlebaugh
cracked his gum and got up
from his chair
. "All right then.
The elements of the case are clear to me.
It's been fun, but now we're done
.
"

"Thank you, Your Honor." Swope closed his leather-
bound notebook with a
crack
that echoed through the cavernous courtroom
and
grinned over at Simon and Quinn
. "So pl
eased we could reach this result
."

As Judge Bartlebaugh started down the steps behind the bench, Simon slumped. He
'd known the lawsuit was a long
shot
,
but
he was still disappointed at the outcome. Even without a win, he'd hoped to have a little more time to make his point in a public forum. A little more time to get back at that dick
Horne Shaw
.
But now, a
ll his high hopes for revenge zoomed away at once like
pigeons
from a gunshot.

And then zoomed right back.

"See you Monday
, everyone
." Judge Bartlebaugh waved on his way through the door to his chambers.

"Huh?" Startled, Simon turned to Quinn, who looked equally startled.

"
But you said we were
done
here!" said Swope.

"Done for the
weekend
.
"
Judge Bartlebaugh
blew a bubble, then popped it and sucked the gum back into his mouth
.
"No
way
am I dismissing
this
case
!"

With that,
he slammed the door shut behind him.

 

*****