Diary of an Expat in Singapore (3 page)

The Botanic Gardens is an oasis in the middle of the city. Think lily pads, walking trails, rare orchids. A picnic in the middle of the day? Eliot’s face says it best:

Your children’s international school fees leave you fairly disconcerted ($33,000 for third grade… what are they learning, rocket science?).

There are some expats who don’t know how much their children’s school fees are. That’s because their fees are covered by the company in what is reverently called the
expat package
. These are the lucky expats. You are not one of them.

Some dads dream at night of all the wonderful things their kids are learning at school. You have insomnia. Seeing your child play Minecraft doesn’t help.

When the expat dad first arrived, he was surprised to discover Singaporeans are not allowed to attend international schools. In this way, the government is protecting its students and avoiding any possibility of elitism by ensuring that every Singaporean has an equal opportunity and a vested interest in keeping the public school system competitive. Or, as one (possibly paranoid) taxi driver confided, it is a great way to track students from the first grade onwards. The government even awards the best students scholarships to study at foreign universities, the only condition being their commitment to return to work for Singapore. This avoids a brain drain (such as other countries experience). It’s like the U.S. Army ROTC… minus the push-ups.

When the expat dad discovers this competitive educational system comes at about $5 per month, he might break down. There may be some sobbing involved.

Your kids boast about staying in 5-star resorts. Your childhood often involved a tent.

One of the perks of living in Southeast Asia is the plethora of amazing places at your doorstep: pristine beaches, lush rainforests, and exotic cities. Pretty soon the expat dad sees this more as a liability than a perk. Especially since his expat wife and family are quickly making the switch from modest hotels to luxury resorts. Initially, it’s because the drinking water is safe. Afterwards, it’s the champagne buffets and water sports in gorgeous waters. And, if you thought drinking alcohol in Singapore was prohibitive, try Bali.

You welcome 11 pm conference calls with California… not really.

For the working and non-working spouse alike, maintaining relationships with the United States is tough. Tougher than Europe. Blame it on the 12-hour time difference. Travelling there and back is no picnic either. The 24-hour trip is nothing compared to the massive jet lag, which will hit you like a sledgehammer. Throw in a couple of toddlers and it’s a party.

Business trips are fine… unless they involve a Sunday.

There is nothing the expat spouse likes less than having the working spouse out of town on the weekend. During the week, it’s fine, almost routine. Early dinners with the kids, late-night snacks in front of the TV, no fighting over the remote… but Sunday, that’s another story. Nobody should be alone with the kids for that long.

Your wife keeps close track of your frequent flyer miles.

Similar to the way the expat mom measures distance in taxi dollars (the restaurant is about $6 away – during peak hour), plane trips are assessed in frequent flyer currency. For example, should the expat dad need to go on a business trip to Boston in January, he thinks: “It’s going to be freezing.” She reasons: “That’s 70,000 points… totally worth it.” She may not have been so strong in math before, but now she’s sharp as a whip.

You know which Asian airport has the best lounge, best sushi, longest taxi queue.

As a seasoned business traveller, the expat dad is more adept than Jason Bourne at navigating airports (without a concealed weapon, of course). In fact, he probably knows the airports better than the cities he’s going to. And, of course, this makes the expat dad that much happier when he lands at Changi, Singapore’s international airport. Dorothy in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ said: “There’s no place like home.” The expat dad will secretly chant: “There’s no place like Changi.”

You could be playing golf or relaxing by the pool but you’re not doing much of either.

Expat dads dream of playing golf in Malaysia and lounging by the pool. In reality, they’re either recovering from jet lag, going to the chiropractor for their backs, or trying to re-negotiate the 100% rental increase on their condo lease. The latter being the most stressful as there is rarely an upgrade or maintenance done to justify the raise. The fun bit comes when the agent inspects the apartment before you hand it back to your landlord. You realize the things you never complained about when you got the apartment because you didn’t want to be an annoying tenant (the broken closet shelf, the faulty stove burner…) are now all your fault. And, you need to pay for them. Remember that deposit? Good luck with that. If one were paranoid, it would be legitimate to suspect apartments in Singapore are rented out with the sole purpose of renovating them with the tenants’ forfeited deposit once the tenants have left. Luckily the expat dad is too tired to be paranoid.

Your wife no longer asks who the best-looking women are but she has noticed you whistle when you pack for Tokyo.

This may be just a consequence of the many stylish Japanese women the expat wife sees around the condo. More likely, it’s from hearing them protest: “Us… beautiful and stylish? Noooo – you should see the women in Tokyo.” Before each trip, the expat dad should expect to be reminded how bossy Japanese wives are.