Diary of an Expat in Singapore (2 page)

4 You’d like your children to learn Mandarin. You just don’t want to be a part of it.

The expat mom has seen the characters (the many, many characters), has attended a class or two, and is well aware of what a Herculean task this is… which is why she wants no part in it. The expat mom will drop her kids off and secretly think: “Kids, you are on your own.” When her kids complain about how hard it is, she will sympathize. Really. But she will still think: “Kids, you are on your own.” Let’s face it, if she had been meant to learn Chinese, she wouldn’t have had any alcohol in college. The expat mom can be very rational when she wants to.

The only time you can wear your favourite jeans or sweater is at the movies (where it feels like winter in Alaska).

Once upon a time, the expat mom was young and adventurous. While on a stroll with her husband or kids, she may even have impulsively suggested: “Let’s go to the movies.” Not in Singapore, unless she wants pneumonia. The words
spontaneity
and
cinema
do not go together in Singapore. One must plan ahead and dress accordingly. Think ski trip in the Alps. Gloves optional.

Your handbag includes mosquito repellent, sunscreen, an umbrella, and your kid’s bathing suit.

No self-respecting expat mom would leave the house without these essential items. You think: “For what… the jungle?” The expat mom thinks: “Hmmm no, suburban Singapore.” Mentally she imagines an episode of ‘Man vs. Wild’ and prepares for the worst. You say: “Picnic on the East Coast,” she hears: “Dengue fever.” You say: “Drizzling,” she hears: “Tropical rainstorm.” And if you say: “Lounge by the pool,” she hears: “Sunburn.” And yes, it is selective hearing.

You discover a bottle of wine costs as much as a mini vacation.

The allure of living in exotic Southeast Asia drops dramatically the very first time the expat mom goes shopping. Forget the Chardonnay she was accustomed to… she might very well be drinking Tang from now on. On the plus side, this might be the only country where getting a shrink is actually cheaper than drowning your sorrows in wine. I can’t imagine the alcoholism rate is high. Do Singaporeans not drink wine? With such exorbitant prices (multiply by ten if you are planning to drink outside the home, at say an actual bar or restaurant), drinking is prohibitive. There really is no such thing as a
casual
drink out with friends… at that price tag, consider it an investment.

You miss your car, your best friend, your relatives. In that order.

The fact that owning a Toyota Corolla here costs as much as owning a Porsche 911 elsewhere should be a good indicator of whether you and your family will be acquiring a car. Not likely. The fact that the exorbitant tax levy is actually a bit of urban planning genius doesn’t really soften the blow. Nor the realization that this is what keeps pollution and gridlock at bay. It should, but it doesn’t. Not when you have to carry groceries in the rain.

And the spouse employee should make no mistake: should the company decide to cough up a car, guess who will be using it? Sure, if you’re lucky, she might drop you off at the office after leaving the kids at school. But after work, during rush hour? You’re on your own. After all, you were always boasting about the amazing public transportation system.

You know the difference between a gecko and a lizard.

Not really something the expat mom can add to her c.v. but impressive nonetheless. It does smack of Southeast Asia insider information. Newsflash: This is the only reptile she will ever be happy to see in the house. Of course, if it’s jumping out of the fridge when she’s reaching for maple syrup it might spook her. What? The air con wasn’t high enough?

You become an expert at dealing with jet lag.

There is nobody, and I mean nobody, better at dealing with jet lag than the expat mom. She could hold a TED conference on the subject… she’s that good. You may think that’s because nobody really needs this particular talent… really? When your toddler is demanding breakfast at 2 a.m., who are you going to call?

You don’t fight with your kids so much… but that could be because you don’t hear them over the construction work.

There is a reason you have the number of the NEA (National Environment Agency) taped to your refrigerator. And it’s not because your husband works there. The good news is the NEA will dispatch a car to get the construction site to shut down the drilling because it’s theoretically illegal after 11 pm. The bad news is the overseer suffers from short-term memory loss and you will need to call again the next day. And the next.

At $12 a box, you classify Cheerios as a luxury item.

Forget oysters and foie gras. The expat mom may be depressed at first to discover that in Singapore cereal costs as much as salmon. She will come around. Breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day. There is no better time to follow local customs: “Kids, here’s your porridge.” If it’s good enough for Goldilocks…

You disregard the humidity index of 100% and think a picnic at the Botanic Gardens is a good idea.