Diary of a Minecraft Zombie: Book 1 (3 page)

Monday

A few weeks ago a new kid transferred to my school.

His name is Jake.

He’s a Wither Skeleton.

They say he got kicked out of his last school because he poisoned somebody.

I think I’m going to make friends with him so that if anyone messes with me, Jake could threaten to poison them too.

I just hope he doesn’t poison me first.

They also say he carries a knife with him.

He took it out once…

Looked more like a sword to me.

But, it’s always good to have someone like Jake on your side.

You see, being a Zombie in middle school can be a dangerous thing.

Sometimes you need protection.

Especially from bullies.

The biggest bully in school is a kid named Mike Magma.

He’s a Magma Cube.

Everybody says he’s a real hot-head…

What’s weird is that Mike is Slimey’s cousin…And he picks on Slimey too.

I wonder what kind of poison Jake would use on him…?

Well, a kid can wish…

Tuesday

Today the class went to a new village to practice scaring.

I was a little nervous because Jeff said this village had an Iron Golem.

If you don’t know what an Iron Golems is, just imagine a giant foot designed for the sole purpose of squashing a Zombie like a cockroach. 

Jeff said no Zombie had ever seen one and lived to tell about it.

Our teacher Ms. Bones heard our conversation and told us that there were no Iron Golems at the village.

Still, I like my limbs and I would like to keep them, thank you.

Creepy got nervous and started shaking again.

Ms. Bones decided to send him home with a note.

The village was actually quite peaceful.

There were no villagers out so I practiced scaring some sheep.

Didn’t work very well…

They just stood there looking at me.

Wednesday

Today I got caught passing a note to Skelee in class.

It wouldn’t be so bad if today wasn’t the day that Skelee wanted to know who I liked.

And it wouldn’t be so bad if we had one of those laid back, nice teachers.

But Ms. Bones is as stiff as they come.

She has a rule that if she catches anyone passing notes in her class, she’s going to read it out loud to everybody.

And today, she read out loud that “I LIKE SALLY CADAVER AND I WANT HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.”

My life is officially over…

The only thing that saved me was that Sally was out for the week because she was getting her tonsils put back in.

But now the whole school knows!

Especially, Jeff.

Knowing Jeff, he’s going to try to beat me at getting Sally as a girlfriend.

Ever since we were kids, Jeff is always trying to show that he’s better than me at something.

Jeff was the first to lose his baby teeth…and his regular teeth.

Jeff was the first to grow mold on his chest.

Jeff was also the first to get a villager to faint during scare practice.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but Jeff is better looking than me too.

He’s lost more hair than I have.

He’s a nicer shade of green than I am.

And he’s got more of his guts and entrails showing than I do.

He’ll have Sally Cadaver as his girlfriend in no time.

I’m doomed.

Thursday

After what happened yesterday, I decided to fake being sick to stay home from school.

Usually a missing limb would do the trick, but I think my Mom and Dad were on to me.

So I decided to use my ace in the hole…

I was going to take a bath!

Zombies are not supposed to get wet…

And Zombies are definitely not supposed to take baths!

It takes a lot of years to get your rotting flesh just the right color and smell…

Taking a bath would make you look like you were “The Living.”

The perfect effect that I wanted…

My Mom and Dad didn’t know I knew about baths…

I learned it from Steve.

He says humans take baths all the time.

That would explain why Mom says that humans smell funny…

So right before evening, when the moon was about to rise, I woke up early, sneaked out of the house and ran to the lake.

“This is it…” I thought.

As I was looking at the lake, and getting myself ready to jump in, Old man Jenkins came out riding his Zombie horse.

“Whaddya think you’re doing, young man?”

“I’m about to take a bath!” I said.

“What in Tarnation would you do that for?”

So, I told him the whole story.

As weird as it was, I could tell he knew from first-hand experience what I was going through.

I guess all Zombies have to go through this stuff as kids…

Then old man Jenkins said, “Just wash your hand and tell your Mom and Dad you caught a rash at school…Always worked for me.”

So I tried it…

Worked like a charm.

Now I just have to find another idea of how to stay home from school tomorrow.

Friday

Today I washed the other hand and told my Mom and Dad that the rash had spread.

They believed it.

Only problem is, they believed it too well.

My Mom and Dad rushed me to the hospital so that the doctor could check  to see if I was turning human.

They even called a specialist to see if I was contagious.

“Great, not only do the kids at school think I’m an outcast, the whole neighborhood will too.” I thought.

The specialist was a witch doctor from the Swamp Biome.

I didn’t know that men could be witches too.

But there he was, with a big nose with a mole on it.

After checking me, he sent me home.

I think the witch doctor knew I was faking.

Probably because he had to do the same thing when he was a kid.

Skelee, Creepy and Slimey came over, to see how I was doing.

Creepy was nervous of catching what I had, so he started shaking again.

The guys sent him home, because the pressure was too much for him.

I asked the guys how it went at school…

“They sent everyone home because some kid at school caught the “White Hand” disease.”

“Do they know who it was?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“What’s wrong with you anyway?” Skelee asked.

“Just a cold.” I said.

Saturday

After my miraculous one day recovery, my Dad decided to take me on a camping trip.

He wanted to take me to the Swamp Biome.

He said the stale air would do me some good.

Dads like to take their kids on camping trips thinking that it will do them good.

Slimey’s dad took him to the Snowy Biome once…

I don’t think he thought it through, though…

They were frozen solid for a few days until they were discovered by some tourists.

Skelee’s Dad took him to the forest biome…

After, I think he said he wasn’t expecting there to be so many wolves.

Creepy’s Dad took him and the whole family on a field trip to the Desert Biome…

Nobody warned them about the Cactus…

Now, I’m not saying Dads don’t mean well…

It’s just that they don’t have a great track record when it comes to preparing for these trips.

Moms on the other hand, prepare for everything…

My Mom even gave me some bug spray so that the Swamp bugs would lay some eggs on me on my trip.

Dad didn’t think of that.

Sunday

Today I went to go visit Steve.

He was busy punching a tree.

I was going to ask him what he  was doing, but I’m used to seeing him do weird things like that.

“What’s eating you?” Steve said.

“Maggots.  How about you?”

“No, I mean what’s bothering you?”  He said.

So I told him the whole story about Sally Cadaver.

“Wow, Zombies and humans aren’t very different,” Steve, said.

“We smell different.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”  Steve said.

“But on the inside, we’re exactly the same.”

I looked at Steve…confused.

Steve smiled and went back to punching his tree.

I went home and I decided that today, I wanted to test how strong I am.

I was going to show Jeff that I can do anything he can.

So, I decided to go out during the day …

Creepy’s coming with me to take pictures, so I can prove I did it.

Hey, if Steve could punch a tree…I can do this…

Monday

Stayed home from school today to grow my skin back…

Ouch…