Devil in Disguise (26 page)

‘Oh,
Lilia, I’m so sorry.’

‘Yes. I
miss the release of tears. But my point is this: immediately afterwards, once
the footsteps had faded into silence, my mother shut the door and told me to
finish my breakfast. When that was done she said,’ “I’m tired. Are you? Let us
go back to sleep now.” And that is exactly what we did. We slept for ten hours.
We escaped into unconsciousness. It is only natural. It is preferable, by far.
You must do the same.’

‘But
what happened next?’ Molly asked, eager to know the end of the story. ‘What
happened to you and your mother?’

Lilia stared
at her, then spoke again. ‘After my father was taken from us, my mother
realised it was only a matter of time before they came back. I was just a
little girl. I didn’t understand what was going on. One afternoon she packed me
a small suitcase containing a few clothes and, of course, the kimono. She knew
it would be a comfort to me. She took me to the house of a friend of hers, a
woman called Mary Tucholsky. Mama told me that she loved me, to be a good girl,
and Mary would take care of me. I did not know I would never see my mother
again.’

Molly
gasped. However sorry she felt for herself, others had endured far greater
tragedies. She could hardly recall her mother, but Lilia had known hers and
loved her — and then to lose her like that … it didn’t bear thinking about.

Lilia
continued: ‘When my mother left, Mary sat me on her knee and rocked me
backwards and forwards for a while. “All will be well, little lamb,” she said
to me. She told me I should call her Mother, and that we would be going on a
long, long journey together. She showed me my new passport, with my new name on
it. Until we reached our destination, I was to be known as Bozena Tucholsky. We
boarded the first train at Berlin, then travelled to Hamburg,’ Denmark, Oslo,’
Bergen, then got on to a boat to our eventual destination: England. Once we had
escaped she brought me up as her own daughter. We lived in the East End of
London, frugally, in a room above a tailor’s shop. I went to school and Mary
worked as a cook for a wealthy family in Clerkenwell. People were kind to us
when they knew we were fleeing the Nazis.’ Lilia looked at Molly. ‘I owe Mary
everything. She gave me a future. Unconditional love. She showed me that
kindness is all we have.’

‘What
happened to her?’ asked Molly.

‘We
were very close until she died of influenza when I was in my twenties.’ Lilia
stood up and moved towards the door. ‘You do not need to ask me again why I am
kind. That is the moral of the tale. Sleep some more. I will bring you
cauliflower cheese at lunchtime. I will use Mary’s recipe. She would be
touched.’ She shut the door gently behind her.

Molly slept, then ate some
cauliflower cheese, which made her feel much better. In the afternoon, she read
some of Lilia’s magazines and dozed, amazed she could still sleep. Is this what
it feels like to have a mother? she wondered. Someone totally focused on my
well-being, someone I trust to look after me, and keep me warm and fed? Perhaps
it is. It was a new sensation. Other people always seemed to have the option of
escaping to the family nest when in need of some TLC, and Molly had always
wondered what that felt like. If this was it, it was blissful.

When
Lilia came back into her room in the evening, she looked up at her with a
smile. ‘I feel so much better,’ she announced.

Lilia
shook her head sadly. ‘You are deluded, you poor thing. You actually feel much
worse.’

‘Oh.’
Molly was confused. ‘Do I?’

‘Yes.
You have experienced terrible pain and loss. You don’t feel better at all.’

‘But
it’s not as bad as it could be. The Nazis haven’t come for me or my family,’
said Molly.

‘But
your best friend has betrayed you. That is as bad in its way.’

‘Is
it?’ Molly wasn’t sure that it was really comparable.

Lilia
leant towards her. ‘Yes. It is a frightful act. The man you love and your best
friend have laughed at you, spat at you, mocked you. Imagine the pair of them.
Think about it.’

‘I’m
trying not to,” said Molly, the dread and panic rising again.

‘But
you must.’

‘Why
must I? It just makes me feel worse!’ Molly felt tears spring to her eyes
again. She covered her face with her hands as they fell.

‘That’s
more like it,’ said Lilia. ‘No pain, no gain. You’re not going to feel better
any time soon, you know. It’s barely two days since you found out that Simon
and Daniel have been rogering each other senseless.’

Molly
buried her face in the pillow, incoherent with misery once again. ‘How could
they do such a thing?’ she managed to say, when the storm of sobs had died
down.

‘Homosexuals
cannot easily be understood. It is best not to try.’

‘I
loved them both!’

‘That I
do not doubt. But they have instincts they cannot reason against. The cuckoo is
a parasite. It lays its eggs in another bird’s nest. The moment the cuckoo
hatches it kills the other hatchlings. Nature has no morality. The poor host
bird, the pippin,’ raises the cuckoo as its own. Feeds it,’ loves the vile,
murderous infiltrator. We cannot even say it is unnatural, can we?’

Molly
carried on crying.

‘You
must imagine Simon and Daniel writhing together in their lust. You must imagine
them scheming to deceive you, conniving to betray you so that they can lie
together, caressing each other, moaning gently, taking each other to the peak,
and screaming in the ecstasy of their ejaculations.’

Molly
howled as she saw it, as plain as day, in her mind.

‘That’s
better,’ said Lilia, rubbing her shoulder. ‘The poison is not yet out. The
wound cannot heal until it is.’

Molly
was crying so hard now that she was almost retching. All she could imagine was
Simon and Daniel kissing passionately and it was agony to her.

‘Mind
you don’t choke, my dear,” Lilia said, with concern. ‘You are becoming
delirious. Maybe I have encouraged you too much … Oh, my. I think I shall get
you some medication.’ She scurried from the room. A few moments later, she
returned to Molly’s bedside, holding a glass of water in one hand and a pill in
the other.

Through
her swollen, streaming eyes and hysterical sobbing,’ Molly was only vaguely
aware of Lilia pushing the pill into her mouth, then tipping water after it.

‘Swallow
it, like a good girl,’ Lilia coaxed her. ‘It will help you sleep. Joey has
generously donated it. It will bring you peace.’

Molly
did as she was told. Her crying had peaked now and she lay on her back,
disabled by pain but no longer convulsed by it. After a few minutes the pill
began to work. Her limbs felt heavy and time seemed to slow down. ‘What have
you given me?’ she asked weakly.

‘Just a
sleeping pill. You needed it, trust me. Relax now.’

Molly’s
mind began to swim. She didn’t know if she was awake or asleep. She clutched Lilia’s
hand and tried her best to focus.

‘How
could Simon … how could he … after everything … ?’ said Molly, her vision
blurred and her limbs turning to lead. ‘After what happened …’

Lilia
brought her face close to Molly’s and looked from one eye to the other. ‘What
is it, Molly?’ she asked. ‘What happened?’

Molly
could only blink slowly, her eyelids like weights.

‘There
is something else, is there not? Something you want to tell me?’

Molly
stopped blinking and stared questioningly at Lilia.

‘You
are afraid of something. Why can you not tell me?’ Lilia’s voice was no more
than a whisper. With a few grunts and groans, she lowered herself into a
kneeling position on the floor beside the bed. ‘What is it?’ Lilia reached
forward and pressed her thumb gently on Molly’s left collarbone, midway between
throat and shoulder.

Molly
exhaled. Her eyes fluttered as she slid into a semiconscious state. ‘I can’t
tell you,’ she murmured. ‘It’s a secret. ‘She shook her head vaguely.
Everything seemed very far away. Sleep rose up again, warm and inviting, a
place of safety where she could forget all the bad things that had happened.

‘Have
no secrets from me,” murmured Lilia, pressing harder now, further immersing her
guest in a twilight world, penetrating her resistance. ‘I knew the first day I
met you that you had a secret. Something terrible has happened to you, hasn’t
it? What is it? You can tell me.’ She paused, allowing Molly to digest her
words. ‘Not your mother. Not Daniel. Something dark is flailing around inside
you like an overgrown tapeworm. Tell me. Tell me what it is.’

Molly’s
thoughts were now distorted and her brain seemed unable to connect with her
voice. She tried hard to speak, hanging on to the last thread of consciousness
until eventually the words came. Once she had started, they fell from her mouth
clearer and faster. She couldn’t stop herself releasing the thing that had
stayed locked inside her mind for so long. Her dark secret was finally free.

The next day Molly felt a
little dopey when she woke. She remembered that she’d become hysterical the
night before and Lilia had given her a pill. After that she could recall
nothing, so she must have fallen into a deep, drug-induced sleep, which
explained why she felt so groggy. Nevertheless, she was a bit more like her old
self. For the first time she felt able to think about her situation without
feeling as though she’d collapse with the agony.

It’s
over with Daniel, she told herself. That much is plain. I love him but he isn’t
the man I thought he was — in more ways than one. I can accept that, even
though the pain is so terrible I doubt I’ll ever fall in love again. But Simon …
She closed her eyes. That betrayal was so completely unforgivable, so deeply
wounding, that she didn’t see how she could ever recover. Her heart was scarred
for ever. She could hardly bear to think about Simon at all without dissolving
into tears. The only solution was to put him as far from her thoughts as she
could until she could cope with it.

She
tried to focus on her immediate situation. Something had compelled her to come
to Kit-Kat Cottage. Perhaps some innate sense of survival had carried her
there, to a safe, kind haven. But now she was feeling better it was time to
think about moving on. She must contact her agent and make a concerted effort
to get some work. Maybe she could stay with Jane for a while, sleeping on her
sofa. She had no money for the deposit on a new flat, and she’d need to find a
bar job. She wanted to live somewhere far away from both Daniel and Simon —
maybe west London. Shepherd’s Bush, perhaps. She shuddered. Maybe she wasn’t
quite as recovered as she’d thought.

Despite
herself, she couldn’t help wondering what Daniel was thinking and doing now.
Was he overcome with guilt? Was he worried about her? Would he try to find her
and beg her forgiveness? Or would he recover in no time and get a new
girlfriend? Maybe Daniel and Simon would move in together and put their
relationship on a more legitimate setting.

No.
Simon wouldn’t allow that to happen. Or perhaps, for the first time, he’d want
to have a relationship with the straight man of his dreams, even when he
started acting gay. That thought was too terrible. Molly pushed it away and
decided to get up.

One
thing is certain, she thought. I never want to see either of them again. It’s
over as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care what happens to Daniel or Simon, and
that’s that.

She had a long soak in the
bath, washed her hair and even applied a little makeup. She pulled on a pair of
jeans and a jumper and went into the lounge. There she found Lilia lying on the
sofa with Heathcliff on top of her.

‘That’s
one way to keep warm!’ She laughed.

Lilia
giggled from under the furry mountain. ‘He’s a big softy. Aren’t you?’
Heathcliff responded by giving his mistress a generous, slobbery lick. ‘Now, up
you get!’ With an encouraging push, the dog slid off her and sat on the floor
at her side. ‘That’s enough afternoon delight for one day,’ said Lilia, patting
his head. ‘And look at our Molly! You look a hundred times better, my dear.’