Determination (19 page)

Brian looked at me and then reached down to take my hand. No matter what our relationship had turned into, I felt thankful for him then.

“Where is she?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

The cold sound of her voice still rang in my ears when I was alone in the dark.

120

Jamie Mayfield

“We separated,” he admitted. “After I went to the center and you weren’t there, I was frantic. She argued with me when I hired those people to find you. She said it was God’s plan, and we should just let you be. I realized then that she cared more about her church than she did about either of us. She packed her stuff and moved to a small room at her church, and I stayed in the house. I couldn’t force myself to move in case you came home.”

Dumbstruck, I stood at Brian’s side and tried to decide if I believed him. Growing up, my dad had never lied to me, and he had never hurt me. Even when my mother found Brian and me in bed together, he never raised a hand to me. However, he also didn’t stop my mother when she did. Not once did he try to shield me from her cruelty.

In the end, he had secured the transfer that moved us to San Diego, away from Brian, and put me in the center.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered to Brian, who let go of my hand and wrapped his good arm around me, pulling my head onto his shoulder.

“You could have warned him, Dad,” Brian said to Richard, clearly angry that his father had ambushed me.

“You could have told Mitch that you’d found his son,” Richard countered. “If I lost contact with you and didn’t know if you were even alive, it would kill me. I went to talk to Mitch about helping Jamie. I thought maybe if I talked to him as one father to another, I could convince him to help. It surprised me when I didn’t have to convince him at all. From the conversation we had when Jamie overdosed and you refused to take him to a hospital, I thought that Jamie might be in danger from him. You never mentioned that you’d talked to him and knew he was looking for Jamie.”

“You knew he was searching for me?” I asked quietly. It wasn’t that I thought Brian would ever try to hurt me, but the news that he hadn’t told me my father wanted to see me surprised me. Brian turned his head and kissed my forehead.

“I tried to tell you, but you said you never ever wanted me to talk about your parents. Then you told me about calling them, and I thought your father lied to me. I thought maybe he wanted to trick me into Determination

121

telling him where you were so he could put you back in that place,”

Brian admitted.

“I didn’t lie to you,” my father said quietly, and it sounded as if all the fight had gone out of him. “Jamie, I love you more than anything else on this earth. I don’t want you to worry about anything. I’ll take care of the hospital and rehab. Richard said that the doctor is going to discharge you tomorrow. You can come and stay with me for a while until you decide what you want to do.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I’ve known you all your life. I know that I’ve missed the last couple of years, son, but I want to meet the man you’ve become.” My father took a step forward and held out his hand.

“Do you even know why I’m in here?” I asked, unable to keep the sarcasm and skepticism from my voice. As soon as he found out just what he’d missed in the last two years, he’d pull that offer of help right off the table. He nodded first but then seemed to realize he needed to make me understand.

“You did some bad drugs, which almost… almost killed you and left you with permanent seizures,” he said, and remorse showed clearly in his face.

“Yes, thanks to my little forced vacation, your straight-A student turned into a high school dropout, a drug addict, and a porn star. Is that better or worse than being gay?” I knew it was an unfair question, but I’d wanted to know the answer for years. The little color left drained from his face, and it looked like the wall was holding him upright.

“Oh, Jamie.” My name sounded like a gurgle forced past his lips.

“Oh God… I am so sorry. I… I should have stopped her.” He pushed away from the wall, and before I knew what had happened, his arms were around me and Brian had been knocked aside. “It’s going to be okay now, son, I promise you.” I couldn’t deny that his comfort and his promises were like redemption for me. Part of me wanted to throw him off, to punish him for what my mother did, but I couldn’t. I’d been so scared, wondering what was going to happen to me, that his offer made me feel almost safe.

“What do you think?” I asked Brian as I stepped back from my father’s embrace. Over the last two years, I’d made nothing but bad 122

Jamie Mayfield

decisions, and I didn’t want to make another one because I felt emotional and desperate.

“Your relationship with Brian is okay with me, Jamie. He’d be welcome at our house,” my father interjected. My hand trembled just a little as I answered him.

“Brian and I aren’t… aren’t in a relationship anymore. We’re just friends,” I told him and noticed Richard and Carolyn glance at each other. Then I looked back at Brian.

“I think that you should stay with your dad when you’re discharged tomorrow. He has the money and the resources to find you a top-notch rehab, and he obviously loves you,” Brian said softly before reaching up to touch my cheek. The fact that he didn’t even try to talk me into staying with him hurt me deeply. I couldn’t blame him for wanting the break, but I at least wanted him to make the goddamned offer. I nodded because I didn’t think I’d be able to speak my thoughts without hurting him.

“I think it’s time for us to head back to the hotel,” Richard told Carolyn with a pointed look. She agreed, picked up her handbag, and went to stand by her husband.

“You guys want to get some dinner?” Brian asked. He kissed my cheek and went over to the other side of the bed to grab his shoes. My gaze drifted to my father and then back to Brian. I didn’t want him to leave me alone with my dad. After two years, we really didn’t have anything in common anymore. We could talk about me moving in with him, but I just wasn’t quite ready to say yes yet.

Brian hugged me tight before they left and told me he would be back in a little while. Knowing he’d be back before I went to sleep made me feel better, and I thought maybe I could face a talk with my father. When we were alone, I lay back down on the bed, suddenly tired from all the afternoon’s stress and activity. He drew up a chair and sat next to the bed with his hand resting on the mattress.

“I know that you don’t trust me, Jamie, and I don’t blame you.

I’ve given you no reason to. But I do want you to come and stay with me, even if it’s just until you’re out of rehab and back on your feet.”

His voice sounded earnest and emotional.

Determination

123

“Brian thinks I should stay with you, so I will. Apparently, lately, I’m not very good at making decisions for myself, but I trust him,” I said, voicing my agreement for the first time. His body relaxed as if someone had let air out of him, and he smiled.

“I’m so glad. We can stop and pick up your stuff on the way home tomorrow, and then we can go to the house, and you can see what else you might like for your room. Everything is still there, but I’m sure you’ve outgrown some of the stuff you used to like in high school,” he said with a quiet laugh. I tried to remember some of the things I did like back then and found that I couldn’t. It seemed like a lifetime ago, like that junk belonged to a completely different person.

“Dad, I don’t have anything to pick up, and I don’t really need anything anyway.” My gaze drifted toward the window, and I felt embarrassed to admit I was essentially homeless, without even a set of clothes to change into when I left. I was sure someone had cleaned out Steven’s apartment and sent everything to his brother. The few pieces of clothing I’d accumulated at the apartment with Brian were things I’d borrowed.

“Jamie, I owe you two years of Christmas presents, birthday presents, and just general spoiling. We are going to get you set up in your new room, buy you some clothes, and figure out where to go from there, and we’re going to do it together,” he promised and squeezed my hand where it lay on the bed. Wary, I thought it all sounded too good to be true. He didn’t need to waste his money on me.

We talked for nearly two hours while Brian went to dinner with his parents. By eight o’clock, I figured he was stalling to give me more time with my dad. When the announcement came over the speakers that visiting hours were over, Brian jogged back into the room.

“Sorry, we stopped at home first, so I could shower and change before dinner. It took longer than I thought it would,” he said as he took off his shoes at the door and padded in his socks over to the recliner where he generally slept. He picked up the blanket that had landed on the floor, folded it, and laid it across the chair.

“I should probably get going,” my father said and grabbed the hospital pen and notepad that sat near the phone. He wrote down his phone number in big block print. “I’ll get things ready for you tonight 124

Jamie Mayfield

and be back tomorrow morning. I don’t know if they will actually release you tomorrow, but I want to spend more time with you. Is that okay?”

“I’d like that,” I said, and deep down, I really meant it because I couldn’t deny I wanted my father back in my life. He should be the one person who always loved me, no matter what else happened. I knew Brian loved me, but the way he had cut off his affection just killed me.

My father left a few minutes later, and an awkward silence settled between Brian and me. He stood by the window, which was about as far as he could get from me and still be in the room. I hated the distance between us, both emotional and physical, but I could understand why he wanted to protect himself. I’d been a nightmare, and I was lucky he wanted to have anything to do with me at all. After grabbing the remote, which had fallen between the mattress and bedrail, I turned off the television.

“Are you angry with me for telling you that you should stay with your dad?” he asked, but his voice sounded hesitant and almost afraid of the answer. He still hadn’t moved from his spot near the window, and I didn’t have the strength to ask him to sit next to me on the bed because I was afraid he would refuse.

“I’m not angry.” My voice sounded petulant, like a child who didn’t get the ice cream she wanted. I just needed to stomp my foot and I’d turn into a six-year-old girl.

“But you’re upset,” he observed. I looked away because I didn’t want him to see just how upset. A nurse passed by the door and peeked in before pushing her computer cart farther down the hall. I put the call light on, and Brian came over to the bed.

“Are you okay?” He put his hand on my clammy forehead, but I shook him off. The nurse came in and turned off the call light. I liked the nurse on the evening shift—she was a matronly woman with short brown hair, and she always smiled. Even though she had to know why I’d ended up in the hospital, she never looked down on me for it.

“James, is there something you need?” she asked as she checked my machines to make sure everything looked okay.

“Could I get some juice?”

Determination

125

“Sure, honey, we have some on the floor. Would you like apple, orange, or white grape?” she asked me, and her smile couldn’t have been warmer.

“Grape, if you have it, or orange, thank you,” I said and fell back against the pillow.

“Are you tired? Have you been having any tremors in your arms or legs today?” She checked the little wire taped to my finger, which she’d told me a few days earlier checked my pulse. Then she took my blood pressure with the portable cuff from the corner of the room.

“I am tired, and my hands shook a little earlier, but nothing… I don’t know… spastic,” I explained. Richard had told me the day before that sometimes my body would jerk for no reason at all because of the damage done to the part of my brain that controls motor function. I’d sat up in bed with a rolling table to eat and accidentally knocked my milk to the floor in an uncontrolled movement of my arm. That moment showed me, more than anything else, that my life would never be normal again.

She brought me the grape juice, and I opened it while she fussed with the sheet on my bed to straighten it. Brian stood by patiently and waited so we could finish our conversation once she left the room. He rolled his eyes when she went to refill my water pitcher from the sink in the bathroom and asked one final time if I needed anything else.

“I’m fine; thank you,” I said, and she smiled before turning to leave. As the door slowly closed, Brian sat down on the bed next to me.

“I don’t want you to be upset. I said that I thought it was a good idea because he can take care of you better than I can. He has more money and a nice house. I also think it’s a good idea for you to spend some time with him and try to repair some of the damage to your relationship.” I nodded and noticed he didn’t mention anything about trying to repair the damage to our relationship.

“I told him that I’d stay with him because I don’t have any other options,” I said, taking another long drink of the juice. It gave me something to do with my hands and something to focus on besides the desperation I felt from our crumbling relationship. In the back of my mind, I could see myself begging Brian not to leave me, but the logical 126

Jamie Mayfield

part of me knew he had every right. I’d pushed him too far once too often and had to pay the price for my mistakes.

“I’m glad you told him that you’d stay with him, but you do have other options. Leo would have let you stay at the boardinghouse with us.”

My eyes snapped up to his.

“You’re not at the apartment?” I asked, and he looked down at the sheet. His face colored slightly, and I reached over to tilt his chin up so I could see his eyes.

“I couldn’t stay there, not after the shooting. The blood on the floor reminded me of my parents, and I didn’t even get through one night before I called Mike and begged him to come and get me. The landlord was really good about it and didn’t even take the cost of cleaning the carpet out of my deposit. I was able to break the lease and move back into the boardinghouse. Andy and Pete graduated in the spring, and they’d already been looking for a place. I moved into Andy’s old room,” he explained. It hurt to think of Brian alone and scared in the apartment after what happened. He’d already had nightmares most of his life, and I hated myself for making them worse.