Determination (14 page)

“The cost changes all the time, kid. Do you want them or not?”

“I….” With a deep sigh, I surrendered to the inevitable. I’d just have to cut these pills in half and make do. “I’ll take four.”

“Four? That’s it?” he asked, and I heard the skepticism in his voice.

“That’s all I’ve got the cash for,” I admitted and started to pull the money from my pocket. He looked at me again, differently that time, as if he were trying to make a decision. His brow furrowed below his receding hairline, and he checked his phone again.

“Maybe we can work something out,” he said after a few minutes and ran a single finger down the front of my shirt. With some difficulty, I repressed a shiver of revulsion.

“Like what?” I almost didn’t want to know as a fiery gleam came into his eyes. I’d seen that gleam before in Steven’s eyes. Sex usually followed closely after. “I’m not doing you.”

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“I’ll give you ten pills for three hundred and a blow job,” he offered, and ran a thick finger across my lower lip. “I bet you give fantastic head.” The tattoo on his biceps danced as I slapped his hand away. “Hey, you want four instead of ten, that’s fine with me.” He reached into his pocket, and I panicked. Four wouldn’t be enough to get me through my addiction. I didn’t understand why I’d hesitated. I mean, I’d sucked off guys for a living when I lived with Steven. I’d done porn to pay off a drug debt, so there was really no difference.

Brian’s face swam before my eyes, but I pushed it away. I couldn’t think of him right then.

Tears welled in my eyes as I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and grabbed the condom hidden in its folds. Keeping my eyes on the dirty alley beneath my feet, I slowly sank to my knees.

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Seven

THE steamy shower wasn’t hot enough to wash away my feelings of self-disgust. I slid down the wall to sit on the floor of the tub as the water pelted me in the face. It would never make me clean. I’d just whored myself out for drugs; I’d never be clean again.

Brian came home while I sat in the shower trying to come to terms with what I’d done. I heard his cheerful voice through the curtain telling me how Mike was looking better and how Alex had decided to put up a blog. I didn’t care about any of it, but I made the appropriate noises anyway. When he asked if he could join me, I nearly threw up at the thought of putting my mouth on him after where it had been earlier.

I told him the water had started to turn cold and I was getting out anyway.

“I don’t feel like cooking tonight. How’s your stomach feeling?

Are you up for Chinese?” he asked, and I agreed. Whatever he wanted, I didn’t care. Maybe Steven had been right—I didn’t deserve to make choices for myself because I always made the wrong ones.

I told him to order whatever he wanted and turned off the water.

It took several minutes for me to find the energy to stand up and grab a towel. Standing with my back against the bathroom door, I heard Brian call through the door that the food would be there in about twenty minutes. Hearing the joy and love in his voice was pure torture. I didn’t deserve any of it. I didn’t deserve him.

Finally, I wrapped the towel around my waist and walked over to the dresser to grab something to wear. I grabbed the first two things I found that halfway matched and put them on over a pair of briefs.

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Nothing mattered to me right then—not food, clothes, or even the drugs I’d hidden in the bottom of my underwear drawer. My heart broke with guilt, and I wished I could take everything back and just tell Brian the truth about my addiction.

“Come sit with me,” Brian said from the couch and held out his arms. The very least I could do was sit in his arms and make him happy. I owed him so much, and all I ever repaid him with was grief.

Sitting on the edge of the couch next to Brian, I pulled on the socks I’d carried with me and then settled into his arms. It made things even worse. His comfort and his love were like acid to me right then, burning my skin until I wanted to scream. When he whispered in my ear that he loved me, I couldn’t stop the sobs that broke from my chest.

Once I told him what I’d done, our relationship would be over. After he’d worked so hard for us to be together, my betrayal would be the last straw, and I couldn’t blame him at all. I was so selfish, caring more about the drugs than I did him, only thinking about myself, and I deserved to be alone.

“Jamie, baby, what’s wrong?” he asked with that same patient love that I always heard in his voice, which made me sob harder because soon I’d never hear it again. I shook my head, unable to speak.

Wrapping his hand around the back of my neck, he pulled my head onto his shoulder and held me. The scent of him filled me with memories of happier times, and I threw my arms around his shoulders and clung to him. He seemed to be at a loss, because he simply patted my back lightly.

After a while, the sobs subsided to hiccup-punctuated cries. I owed it to him to tell him the truth, and deep down I knew I needed to tell him, but I couldn’t find the words.

“Please, we can’t fix it if we don’t talk about it,” he whispered, so I sat up and wiped my eyes. I’d been hiding things from him for weeks, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I wiped my eyes as someone knocked on the door.

“It’s the food. We are going to talk about this,” he warned as he unlocked the door and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket.

Even with his training and reflexes, Brian couldn’t dodge the fist that came at him. When he fell backward through the door, slamming it Determination

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against the wall, I watched in horror as Steven stepped over the threshold. His long black hair and malevolent sneer were just as I remembered, but he seemed larger than life as he kicked Brian, who hadn’t made it to his feet.

“Stop it!” I screamed, the tears making my hoarse voice crack.

Brian got to his feet just as I did and backed up to give himself room.

He didn’t say anything—he just waited for the next attack. When Steven charged at him, he landed two blows to Steven’s face and a solid kick to his head. His body hit the floor with a dull thud, and I came forward, intending to help, but Brian waved me off. Steven struggled to get up from his knees, glaring at Brian. Even with all our fights, I’d never seen him wear such a murderous expression. Blood trickled from Steven’s nose and split lip. He wiped it away absently as he watched Brian ready himself for another attack.

As Steven took another step toward Brian, I saw my greatest fear tucked in the back of his belt.

“Brian, he has a gun!” The shout had barely left my throat when Steven grabbed me around the neck and held me against his chest. He pulled the weapon from his waistband and jammed it against my head.

The cold metal of the barrel pressed into my temple, and Brian froze with his hands held up in front of him. My heart stopped at the fear and desperation in his eyes.

“Hey, man, let’s just calm down and talk about this,” Brian said, and I had to envy his composure because, right then, I was terrified. I had no idea if Steven would shoot me. It didn’t seem as if he would since he’d tried so hard to find me and bring me back. If it had to be one of us, I prayed silently that Steven would shoot me instead of hurting Brian. I knew I’d never be able to survive if he took the only thing in my life that mattered to me.

“There’s nothing to talk about. You took my boy, and I’m here to take him back,” Steven said, and the chill in his voice made me shiver.

I had no doubt that he would kill Brian if either of us resisted. I refused to give him the chance.

“I’ll go with you. Please, just don’t hurt him,” I told Steven even as Brian protested. Brian took a step forward, and Steven pointed the gun at him instead.

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“You’d beg for his life? I could be dying in the street and you’d step over me. What is so special about him? Who the hell is he, anyway, your high school sweetheart?” His voice chilled my blood as he whispered in my ear. I had to get him out of the apartment before something horrible happened.

“Please,” I pleaded again. “Let’s just go home, Steven, please.”

At the mention of the word home, Steven held me closer to him. It seemed he didn’t care if I loved him, only if I belonged to him. Brian tensed at what he must have mistaken for a display of affection.

Steven’s harsh chuckle against my ear scared me.

“Jamie, shut up,” Brian insisted. “I’m not going to just let you leave with him.” Damp lips pressed against my cheek as Steven kissed me and readjusted his grip on the gun. I felt his heavy breaths on my skin. Time seemed to stop as we each waited for someone else to break the tension, which had crept into the room like a fog. Terrified even to breathe, I trembled in Steven’s arms.

Brian turned his attention to Steven.

“Look, no one needs to get hurt here. Just let Jamie come to me and you can leave. We won’t call the police.” Brian reached for me, and Steven jerked me backward hard by my neck.

“God, you really have no clue, do you?” Steven asked him, his voice full of sarcasm. “Do you want to know how I found you?” In that moment, I realized my fatal mistake and wished he would shoot me rather than finishing the thought. Of course dealers, especially ones around his apartment, would know Steven. He had tons of pictures of me from Hartley. What better way to find a junkie than have dealers watching for him? I’d walked right into his arms and led him to Brian.

If I had been honest with Brian, none of this would have happened.

Brian didn’t answer; he merely tried to reassure me with his gentle gaze.

“Steven, let’s just go,” I said and tried to pull out of his grasp so I could get him out the door, not caring what happened after that.

“No, no… I think that he should know what kind of piece of crap he risked his life for. You see, I found you because lover boy here used one of my dealers to score today, and I had Tony follow him to see Determination

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where he was living. Unfortunately, since he hasn’t been working lately, he fell a little short on cash. So, he made up the difference by getting down on his knees in an alley and sucking Tony off. It’s good to know he hasn’t lost his touch.”

Brian’s face drained of color, and I could see he was about to argue when he searched my face for answers. I couldn’t look him in the eye, and that must have confirmed what he needed to know because he didn’t dispute what Steven had said. When I finally got the balls to look up, I saw every ounce of pain and betrayal in his defeated posture and tear-filled eyes.

“He wouldn’t have needed the drugs if you hadn’t beaten the hell out of him!” Brian screamed as a tear rolled down his cheek, and he took a step forward, raising his fist. The blast from the gun was deafening in the small apartment. I watched in stunned disbelief as Brian stumbled backward, a red stain blossoming through his white Tshirt. “Brian!” I sobbed as the scream ripped through me. Brian looked up at me. I could see his eyes were wide and shocked even as he started to stumble sideways toward the couch. “No…. No, Brian… please!” I fought against Steven’s hold, trying desperately to get to Brian, who had fallen to his knees. Blood poured into the front of his shirt. Steven picked me up off my feet to stop me from getting out of his grasp, but I fought anyway. I had to get to Brian. I had to call an ambulance. Jesus, there was so much blood.

The butt of the gun slammed into the base of my skull, causing colored lights to pop in front of my eyes. The pain didn’t register at first, but as darkness closed around me, the last thing I saw was Brian’s head bouncing off our living room floor as he collapsed.

“JAY…. Come on, Jay, wake up for me, baby.” The blinding pain in my head took all of my focus for several minutes. My moan sounded piteous as it bounced around the inside of my sore skull. I tried to touch the back of my head, just above my neck, but something cold pressed against the spot where most of the pain radiated from. Confused and disoriented, I just sat with my eyes closed and tried to figure out why 92

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my head hurt so goddamned bad. The fingers in my hair distracted me only slightly from the pain, but they felt nice so I leaned into them.

“Babe, can you hear me?” Recognition finally penetrated the pain, and my eyes popped open to find Steven watching my face. I scrambled back against the couch in the little room I recognized as his basement office in the apartment building. As my consciousness returned, I remembered the shocking events that led to me being with him.
Brian.
I forced myself to calm down and think.

“Please, I’ll stay with you. Just let me call an ambulance for Brian. Please, I won’t tell anyone. He’s hurt, and….” My plea died in my throat when I saw fear in his face as he shook his head slowly. I’d never seen Steven O’Dell scared of anything.

“Jay, you’ve been out for hours. He’s… he’s dead, baby.” His voice shook as he spoke. I looked around the office, trying to find anything that would prove him wrong. Brian couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t. I searched my memory and found that last horrifying moment before Steven had knocked me out. In perfect, sickening clarity, I watched the blood seeping through Brian’s shirt. I saw the look of shock and fear on his face. I stared in speechless disbelief as he fell.