Determination (9 page)

“Excuse me,” I said, stepping around him to cut the first pizza, and heard a disappointed whine from behind me. I laughed, feeling more free than I had my entire life. Never before had I been able to tease and love Brian without fear. In Alabama, we had been scared of being discovered. When I was with Steven, I had been afraid of one of us getting hurt. But in the apartment we shared, I could love him the 52

Jamie Mayfield

way I wanted. Even though we stood naked and kissing in the kitchen, hunger won out at that moment. We could always have sex afterward.

We could do whatever we wanted.

“Tease,” he muttered. I heard the refrigerator open, and then he asked, “You want soda or beer?” Since I hadn’t had one in a while, I would need to take another oxy soon, so I opted for the soda. He grabbed two sodas, a bag of chips, and a couple of paper plates before heading over to the table. I cut the pizza into four big pieces and used the aluminum foil to carry it to the table. Sitting across from each other, we shared our first meal together at our very own table.

THE next several days followed the same pattern as the first. Brian had taken a couple of weeks off from shooting and seemed to want to focus all his attention on me and on our relationship. We talked for hours as we lay in bed or cuddled on the couch—about the time we’d spent apart and about where we wanted to go from there. I agreed, reluctantly, that Brian should stay in porn for the near future. In order to afford the rent on the apartment without the income he got from adult videos, we would both have to get decent jobs. In my case, that was unlikely since I hadn’t even finished high school.

He wanted me to get my GED, which I absolutely agreed with.

He also wanted me to take a few college courses, which I couldn’t agree with. I needed to make some cash so I could start contributing. It wasn’t fair for Brian to pay all our expenses. I wanted to work, and while I couldn’t do porn anymore because my body was a road map of scars, there were things I could do besides strip for the camera. On top of all that, my addiction loomed on the horizon. The oxy kept it tolerable, but soon I would run out, and then I’d have a serious problem. I was determined to beat it. I would make Brian proud of me.

“Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight? We can stream it through Alex’s DVD player and maybe order out for a little Chinese food,” he suggested as he stood up from the couch where we had been talking. He stretched and yawned, and suddenly I felt guilty for keeping him cooped up with me for weeks. Between the days we’d spent in the Determination

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boardinghouse and the time we’d spent in the apartment, he hadn’t seen daylight in a while.

“I wish we could go out. God, it’s like being in Alabama all over again,” I complained. Pulling my feet up onto the couch, I wrapped my arms around my knees. “It’s not fair that you’re trapped in the apartment with me all the time. You should be able to go out and see your friends.” I rested my chin on my knee. Since the burn had scabbed over and started to heal, I felt better.

“Well, they did ask me if I wanted to go to a club this weekend for my birthday since we couldn’t go last weekend. Maybe we could talk them into dinner outside the city instead?”

“What day is it?” I asked as I felt the blood drain from my face.

Brian’s face fell, and he looked reluctant.

“It’s the eighteenth.” He tried to make his voice soft and soothing, but that didn’t help soften the pain in my chest. After everything he’d done for me, I’d missed Brian’s birthday. I hadn’t bought him a gift; I hadn’t made him dinner; I hadn’t even wished him a happy birthday.

“Why didn’t you say anything on Monday?” Horrified, I tried to think back to that day. He had gotten quite a few phone calls, but I’d figured the guys were just checking up on him. I’d been so completely self-absorbed that I’d missed celebrating a day for which I was truly thankful.

“I don’t know—it’s not a big deal. Besides, I know you. You would have wanted to get me something, and I didn’t want you to feel frustrated that you couldn’t.” Without waiting for me to answer, he grabbed his cell phone, dropped back onto the couch, and dialed.

“Hey, it’s me. Can we do dinner, maybe some place out of the city? I bet Alex wants to get out of the house too. Yeah, I don’t care.

You guys pick something—I don’t know where anything is. Thanks, man. Yeah, Saturday sounds good.” He paused then, clearly listening as he glanced at me. “He’s doing better. The burn’s healing, and his
spirit
is improving
,” he said in a significant tone with a raised eyebrow. The fight kind of went out of me then because I knew he was right. Things had been going so well since we’d recommitted to each other. They’d been perfect, actually. Brian finished up his conversation, disconnected, and set his phone back on the side table.

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“I’m sorry,” I told him when he turned back to me. His eyes softened, and then he reached out and stroked my cheek. “There are so many more important things in our lives than a forgotten birthday. I just… it’s important to me.” Soft, yielding lips captured mine in a sweet kiss that quieted my apology. Without breaking the kiss, I crawled into his lap by straddling his legs.

“I forgot your birthday the year after you left,” he whispered against my lips. My forehead pressed against his, and I felt him shake his head a fraction. “I remember feeling like something inside of me had broken. You were gone, and I hadn’t even honored you enough to remember your birthday.”

“We’ll have a lifetime of birthdays to celebrate together,” I murmured against his neck as I kissed it.

“I know how we can celebrate,” I whispered against his ear and was rewarded with his shiver. We still hadn’t made love because of my injuries, but I felt stronger every day. I thought maybe we could after our date on Saturday night for dinner with the guys. If I just mixed a little booze with the oxy, I wouldn’t feel any pain. When I took my pills that morning, I noticed there were only enough to get me through Saturday. We’d have to talk to Leo about getting more. Even though I’d tried to cut down on the number I took each day so I could make them last, they couldn’t last forever.

To be honest, I was scared about what would happen when those pills ran out. I’d been taking them for two weeks. I may have become addicted to them. I didn’t know if my body would still crave the coke or the ecstasy as well, but—like Leo had told me the other day—I would have to take each day as it came.

FRIDAY night, Mike and Alex went out and bought me something decent to wear since all my clothes were still at Steven’s apartment.

Alex had great taste. I loved the form-fitting jeans and tight blue T-shirt I wore for Brian’s birthday dinner on Saturday. For the last two years, I’d hated wearing clothes that were even the least bit tight because I felt exposed. It wasn’t usually an issue since I’d been steadily losing weight for months. Even if Steven bought me something skimpy and tight, it Determination

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hung off me within a few weeks. But the way Brian’s eyes lit up when he saw me made me feel sexy and special. With him watching me, I didn’t seem to mind so much.

We held hands as we walked out through the iron gate toward Mike’s Jeep sitting by the curb a few spots up the street. I felt anxious as my eyes scanned both sides of the street for the black truck I knew would eventually catch up with me. I didn’t see it, and I tried to hide my relief as I squeezed Brian’s hand before letting go. I climbed up behind Mike while Brian sat behind Alex. Once I had the seat belt fastened loosely, uncomfortable over my healing stomach, I reached over and held his hand, and he kissed me with a loud smack.

I laughed, and my heart felt so light and free, I thought maybe it would burst from my chest. The bitterness about how my life should have been with Brian, the dark feelings I’d dwelled on for so long, began to burn off in the intensity of his love.

The four of us talked all the way to Point Loma, where Alex said we’d find the “best restaurant ever.” It didn’t matter to me what kind of place it was because it took nearly an hour to get there, and we could feel relatively safe. With a little luck, we wouldn’t run into Steven or anyone who worked for him.

“Babe, did Nick ask you to dance at Big Boys tomorrow night?”

Mike asked as he shifted the Jeep into the highest gear and reached for Alex’s hand. Their fingers entwined as their hands rested on Alex’s thigh. Begrudgingly, I found it sweet that Mike reached for Alex each time his hand was free. Mike and I had come to a kind of impasse. He didn’t mess with me, and I ignored him.

“Yeah, but he said I didn’t have to go,” Alex replied. Scooting down lower in the seat, he pulled his knees up to rest against the dash.

“I really don’t want you to go,” Mike told him tenderly as he stole a glance at Alex’s face. Alex lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of Mike’s knuckles.

“I hadn’t planned on going.” Alex’s smile as he looked over at his lover brimmed with happiness. It wasn’t just a smirk, or a grin, but a truly happy smile. For a few minutes, I felt happy with them and forgot how Steven hunted me.

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The anxious feeling returned to my stomach when we walked into the restaurant to find Emilio, Brandon, Brandon’s wife Leslie, Josh, and Leo waiting for us. Steven wouldn’t dare make a scene in a public place surrounded by so many people who knew who he was and where the police could find him. But again, Steven had never been particularly rational.

The huge, open-architecture restaurant featured clean lines and vaulted ceilings. Soft earth tones made up the color scheme, accented by plants throughout the room to give it a natural feel. One side of the room had a huge counter surrounded by people, but the rest encompassed a seating area with booths and tables full of smiling friends and even a few families. It reminded me of a high-end yuppie cafeteria.

The eight of us milled around, taking in the restaurant and waiting for a host to seat us, until Alex quietly explained that the restaurant offered a more relaxed and casual atmosphere. He led us to a counter filled with food in the back, manned by smiling employees in muted Tshirts bearing the name of the place. Above their heads, a huge flat-panel television showed us our options for dinner. Some of the stuff on the list I’d never even heard of, but Alex appeared totally in his element. Brian looked intrigued by the offerings, but Mike, Brandon, and Josh had similar expressions of confusion and disappointment.

“What the hell is ‘tabbouleh’?” Mike whispered to Alex, who rolled his eyes and giggled.

“Babe, you need to stop eating all your meals out of Styrofoam containers. Tabbouleh is a Middle Eastern salad with tomatoes and herbs.” Alex reached down to entwine their fingers, and the tension left Mike’s shoulders. The others must have been used to seeing Alex and Mike together at the studio, because no one gave them a second glance.

Mike nodded, acknowledging Alex’s advice, and Alex beamed back at Mike.

“Alex, what’s ‘quinoa’?” Brian tried to ask Alex, whose gaze hadn’t left Mike’s face.

“It’s like rice, babe,” I told him, and his brow furrowed—no doubt he was wondering how I knew that when he didn’t. “Steven taught me how to cook.” When the group fell silent, I couldn’t believe Determination

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I’d thrown Steven’s name out so casually. Brian stared at me, but I just blushed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think before I said it. I only knew what quinoa was because it’s one of the things he likes. He liked to eat healthy, which confused the hell out of me since he poisoned his body with drugs.” Conversation started up again slowly, and Brian leaned in closer.

“Well, if it means no drugs, we can live on pizza for all I care,”

Brian whispered and kissed my cheek. Of course, we both knew that was still a long road ahead, but we’d just deal with it as we’d been dealing with everything else.

“Kid, this is probably the gayest thing I’ve seen you do yet, and I’ve done you,” Brandon said quietly to Alex with a laugh. Brian and I both looked around to see if his comment had been overheard. There were a few families with kids scattered around the restaurant. At first, Alex looked down at the floor in embarrassment, but Mike nudged him and winked. It looked like Alex’s hand slid over onto Mike’s leg as he steeled himself to respond. His face flushed slightly as he spoke.

“Well, Brandon, I see my fashion sense hasn’t rubbed off. Does Mr. Rogers know you stole his sweater?” Alex asked haughtily, and Mike snorted loudly. Brandon looked down at his tan-colored V-neck sweater. A white T-shirt peeked out from the bottom of the V. When coupled with the tailored jeans and shoes he wore, he did look much nicer than usual, but still not in the same league as Alex. Brandon glanced back up at Alex and smirked.

“It’s about time, kid. And actually, my wife made me wear this sweater because she thinks it makes me look respectable.” Brandon snorted and lifted Leslie’s hand to kiss it sweetly. “Imagine, a respectable porn star.” We erupted in chuckles just as a woman asked Alex what he wanted from the food station. When we got to the end of the line, Brian grabbed a beer for me and got a soda for himself. He said we’d probably end up at a club afterward, and if he wanted something, he could drink there. I looked forward to the long pull from the bottle that would help alleviate the tension in my back and shoulders.

After paying the cashier over Brian’s protests, I followed Alex as he searched for a table large enough to accommodate eight of us.

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Finally, Brandon and Mike pulled together two good-sized tables in the back corner and grabbed an additional chair from an empty table nearby. Once everyone sat down, Mike lifted his beer.

“Happy birthday, baby—I hope your wildest dream comes true today,” Mike said and tipped the bottle forward. Brian blushed and glanced quickly at me. The other guys tipped their glasses to Brian, but I leaned over and kissed him instead.

“I know it’s a few days late, but happy birthday, honey,” I whispered, and I felt him smile against my lips.

“I kind of like this place,” Mike said as he bit into the steak from his salad. “It’s friendly and not pompous like some of the other restaurants downtown. I don’t feel like I’m eating with the wrong fork here.”