Detached (16 page)

For the first few days at home, when I felt sad, it came with deep despair. I worried I was going to feel sad forever, the way I'd felt nothing for so long, but then it would go away and, like the sun bursting from behind storm clouds, I'd feel better suddenly. Or when I felt rage over Granny and Gramps's deaths, I thought the anger would destroy me, that it would consume me from the inside out. But it didn't, it fizzled out eventually and I was back to normal again. That was what I didn't expect to find and what surprised me the most, I think — that I could not only feel emotions again but that I could find my way back to the good ones when I needed to. And that was worth living for.

 

Even though I got home from the hospital before my mother realized I was gone, I should have known I couldn't keep it a secret from her forever. When she found out Anna tried to kill herself, she freaked out, just like I knew she would. She told me I was not to talk to Anna ever again.

“That's going to be a bit hard,” I said, “especially considering she's in all my classes.”

“I don't care. I don't want you under her influence.”

“Mom. Get real. I'm not under anyone's influence. I'm not going to try and kill myself just because my friend did. She was depressed — medically depressed. It's an illness. She needed help and she's getting it. I'm not going to stop being her friend just because you can't handle it.”

“She was such a nice girl.”

“MOM! She's still a nice girl. She's sick but she's going to get better. And I'm going to be there to help her.”

“Aliya, I don't …”

I couldn't listen to any more of her paranoid, old-fashioned bullshit. I did my best to be respectful, but enough was enough.

“Mom. I'm only saying this one more time. Anna is my best friend and that is not going to change. EVER. So get over it.”

Then I stomped out of the living room and slammed the door to my bedroom hard enough that the downstairs neighbour banged on the ceiling with her broom handle. I stomped back at the old hag. She should turn down her hearing aid if she can't stand other people's noise.

I was really angry. I was angry at my mother for being such an idiot, but I was angry at myself too, because I'd let Anna down. Just when she needed me most, I messed up. I didn't stop her from overdosing, even when I saw the signs. I was angry that I let the others talk me out of doing something and that I let myself off the hook because I didn't want to interfere. I was so afraid of upsetting her that I never even tried to help. I didn't know what to do with all the anger I had for myself. For the first few weeks I did nothing but cry. Then I stopped feeling sad and was just plain pissed.

When Mariam and Gisele told me they were sending Anna letters and that I should write one too, I said no.

“What do you mean, ‘no'?” Mariam asked.

“I don't know what to say. What if I say something I shouldn't?”

I didn't want to tell them I was too upset to write.

“It's not like you have to write a Pulitzer Prize–winning novel. Just tell her you miss her and you hope she's feeling better,” Gisele said.

“She's not stupid. If I say something lame like that she's going to see right through it.”

“If you don't write at all, she's going to see through that too,” Mariam said.

I knew they had a point, but I was afraid of letting anything negative slip through. She didn't need to know I was feeling guilty and mad at myself. I didn't want to dump anymore anxiety on her and part of me wondered if she was still the same Anna. I mean, I knew a guy who was in a terrible car crash once and even though the following year he came back to junior high looking exactly the same, he wasn't the same at all. He didn't remember anyone's name and his personality had done a one-eighty. He wasn't the same outgoing guy anymore and he didn't crack jokes. When I introduced myself and reminded him about the time we did the skipping routine at the spring talent show the previous year, he just looked at me blankly as if he was looking through me. It was like his memory had been erased, and it creeped me out so much I never spoke to him again. I felt bad not talking to him that year, but he just gave me the willies.

I did manage to send Anna a couple of letters in the end. After about twenty false starts I got into a rhythm. I imagined we were Facebooking and that she was sitting on her bed with her laptop. It helped to picture her there instead of in some unimaginable hospital with crazy people all around her. Still, just because we exchanged a few letters, I wasn't convinced she'd be her regular self and I was super nervous about seeing her for the first time. Part of me worried she'd be mad at me too, for not helping her. She must have felt the same way about seeing me because her mother called and invited me over the weekend she came home. Her mother said a short visit was exactly what Anna needed and asked if I could come over Saturday afternoon.

“Is there anything — well, anything I need to know before I come?” I asked.

“Just that she's missed you. I'm sure she'll want to keep it light, but you don't have to worry, she's doing great. We thought if she saw a few of her friends before she went back to school, it would make the transition easier.”

I agreed to be there at two. But as soon as I hung up I started dreading the visit. I almost wished my mom wouldn't let me go, but after our fight, she'd dropped the subject completely. I guess I can be convincing when I want to be.

Anna was watching TV when I arrived. Other than the fact that she was a little pale, she looked great. She stood up and we hugged before we even said one word. Then she said, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I said. I looked her in the eyes but it was hard. My gut reaction was to turn and run.

Ann must have sensed I was feeling uncomfortable because she quickly said, “Thanks for writing.”

“No problem. It was weird though. I haven't written a letter since my grandmother finally got an email account.”

“They wouldn't let us online.”

“No, I guess they couldn't.”

I looked out the window and wondered how long I should stay.

“You want to sit down?” Anna asked. Then she sat down on the couch with her feet tucked under her. I looked at the couch, then at the armchair. In the end I sat down on the other end of the couch. I searched for the next thing to say, but her mother saved us.

“Aliya, thanks for coming by. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Sure, I guess,” I said and looked at Anna to see if she was going to ask for something.

“Is there any Coke left?”

“Of course. I'll bring a couple of glasses,” her mother said and left again.

“So how are you feeling?” I asked. As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back. It was too obvious.

“I'm okay.”

“You look good.”

“You think?”

“You always look good.”

Anna rolled her eyes, smirked, and said, “Whatever.”

“Are you going back to school?”

“Yeah. Next week. I'm supposed to take it slow.”

“Did you see Mariam or Gisele yet?”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“You want me to pick you up the first day?”

“Mom's bringing me. We have an appointment with the principal first.”

“We can meet up for lunch.”

“For sure.”

We stopped talking when her mother came in the room and handed us each a glass. I took a sip and so did Anna. When her mother left, she cleared her throat like she had something important to say.

“I'm kind of scared about going back.”

“It'll be fine. You'll get back in the swing of things in no time. Besides, you won't be alone.”

“I guess. At least I have you.”

“You have all of us. You always did.” There was a bit of an edge to my tone, an edge I hadn't intended and it made me cringe. I hoped she hadn't noticed it.

“Are you mad at me?”

I sighed. Nobody told me if I was supposed to tell the truth or say the right thing. Still, it wasn't like me to lie.

“I was. I don't know. Maybe I still am. But I don't want to be.” The truth choked me and I had to take a sip of Coke to clear my throat.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put everyone through so much.”

“It's not your fault,” I said and made patterns in the condensation on the outside of my glass.

“No, but I still feel bad.”

Anna lowered her head and studied the glass her hands. I knew I had to get my feelings out in the open or the moment would be lost and our friendship would never be the same.

“I'm more mad at myself.”

“Why would you be mad at yourself?”

“Because I didn't do anything to help. I didn't stop you.”

“How could you have?”

“I should have tried talking to you. I thought something was wrong.”

For the hundredth time I thought about my conversation with Mariam, Gisele, and Kyle in the school cafeteria and for the hundredth time I couldn't believe I let them blow me off.

“It wouldn't have made a difference. I wouldn't have talked to you anyway. I didn't even realize what was going on. I thought everyone felt the way I did.”

“That's why I wish you'd talked to me.”

“It's not that simple,” Anna said.

“But you didn't even give me a chance.”

“So that's why you're angry?”

“I guess.”

“Don't beat yourself up. I didn't give myself a chance either,” she said.

 

 

Mom and Dad agreed to let me have a pool party on the last day of school and the weather, like, totally cooperated. It was one of those days where it seemed the sun couldn't get enough of shining and there wasn't even a whisper of a breeze. The party hadn't been my idea, and at first I hated the thought of being practically naked and wet in front of so many people, but Mariam and Gisele pestered me relentlessly because I was the only one with a backyard big enough. Finally I said yes just to shut them up. Then I made them promise to help set up, clean up, and not leave me standing alone without anyone to talk to.

The day of the party Mariam and Aliya came home with me on the bus. We made nacho dip and cheese and veggie trays and spread the whole picnic table with food. We strung Christmas lights along the fence for when it got dark and filled a cooler full of ice and drinks. Then we set up the most awesome playlist on my iPod.

Gisele was the first to arrive and bounced into the house with a gigantic hoot. Then she looked embarrassed and asked, “Are your parents home?”

I laughed. “No, they're both at work, then they're going out to dinner and a movie. They won't get home until after eleven.”

“Sa-weet,” she said and threw off her skirt and tank top. “Let's go for a swim.”

“What a hottie!” I said when I saw her in the cutest-ever bikini. It was blue with black Hawaiian flowers and the bottom was like a pair of shorts.

“Yeah, right,” she said and flicked her towel at me.

“Seriously,” I said. “You look awesome.”

“I guess that means something coming from the queen hottie biscotti herself,” Aliya said.

I must have looked confused because before I could come up with something to say back, Gisele burst out with, “That's the thing I love most about Anna. She doesn't even know she's, like, a total catch.”

“Whatever,” I said and rolled my eyes.

“Why else do you think Kyle's had his eyes glued to you for the past three years?” Aliya asked.

“You think he likes me? Really?”

“No, I think he loves math so much he wanted to share the joy of algebra with you,” Aliya said and they all burst out laughing.

“Okay, enough,” I said. “Let's go for a swim.” I wasn't sure I'd have the courage to go in the pool when everyone arrived and I wanted the chance to at least get wet at my own pool party.

We changed into our suits and I left a note on the front door telling people to come through to the back, then we all went and jumped in the pool. The water was the perfect temperature — cool enough to be refreshing, but not so cool you felt chilled after a few minutes. Once we were wet we each climbed on an air mattress and rafted together to float in the sun. The others lay on their stomachs, but I lay on my back and looked up at the sky. It was so blue I could have stared at it all day. Music filled the backyard and it felt like the whole city had drifted away, that it was only us in the pool, in our own private world.

“When's Sam getting here?” Aliya teased Mariam.

“Soon, I think,” she said. “He and Kyle had to go home and do something for their dad first. Then they're coming over.”

“Is Ray coming?” Gisele asked.

“Of course,” Mariam said and splashed her. “Try and keep your cool.”

I thought a major splash session was going to erupt, but everyone went back to their own thoughts. We floated in the sun until Sherlock started barking his happy bark. The back door creaked open and slammed shut. The girls lifted their heads until I said, “Relax, it's just Joe.”

Joe and Jamal were already in their swim shorts. When I saw them pick up speed and run toward the deep end, I knew what they were about to do. I slipped off my air mattress and when I came up from under the water, the girls were yelling and Joe and Jamal were laughing. For a skinny guy, Joe can do sick cannonballs.

Kids started arriving and soon the backyard was packed. I think most of the grade elevens were there, and quite a few of the grade twelves. There were even a few kids from Sam and Ray's school. I was sort of relieved that Joe and Jamal had come over to keep things under control.

I felt jittery when I spotted Kyle coming through the back door and was glad I had put my T-shirt and shorts back on. I was at the picnic table digging into the nacho dip when I saw Sherlock giving him the once over.

“Don't worry,” I called out, “he's a total suck. Wouldn't hurt a fly.”

Kyle put his hand out for Sherlock to sniff and Sherlock took it as an invitation. He started licking Kyle's hand and up his arm. Kyle laughed. It's hard not to laugh when a great big dog licks you like that.

“Sherlock!” I scolded. “Go lie down.”

“It's okay,” Kyle said. “I like dogs.”

When Kyle rubbed Sherlock's ears, Sherlock dropped to the ground and rolled over on his back. Kyle gave him a quick belly rub, then looked at me. I felt myself blushing.

“You've got a really nice house,” he said.

I looked around and noticed that it
was
a nice house.

“Yeah, thanks. I guess I'm lucky,” I said.

Joe saved me from the awkward silence that might have followed because he was suddenly at my side, introducing himself to Kyle.

“Are you two close?” Kyle asked, after Joe finished interrogating him and went to find Jamal.

“I guess so. We Facebook a lot. Tease each other. That sort of thing.”

“He's not an idiot like Sam, I take it?”

I laughed. “No, he's pretty mild compared to Sam.”

“You're lucky.”

Even though Kyle had coached me through math for six weeks, I still felt awkward talking to him. It was fine when we were discussing algebra equations, but as soon as it came to making conversation, my mind froze and I started to worry about what he was thinking of me. I usually worried that he wouldn't like me if he got to know me and then I could never think of anything clever to say. When I felt my brain threatening to seize up on me, I excused myself. I told Kyle I had to run inside and would be right back. Kyle smiled graciously and headed over to the pool to talk to some of the guys.

I went into the kitchen and came back out with bowls of nacho chips and cheese-flavoured popcorn. I also reloaded the veggie tray. Then I went upstairs to the bathroom. I could hear the music drifting in through the open windows and the swell of conversation. There were squeals and splashes and a lot of laughter. I wandered into the spare bedroom and looked out at all the activity. Sam and Mariam were lying on an air mattress together in the deep end and Ray was trying to tip them into the water. Farah was talking to Tyson by the picnic table and Jamal was getting ready to do a trick off the diving board.

I saw Joe looking at the playlist on my iPod. I wanted to yell out the window and tell him to keep his paws off my music, but I knew he'd never be able to hear.

Several girls were sitting on the edge of the pool, kicking water at a group of boys. There were kids on the lawn chairs and kids sprawled out on towels in the grass. Sherlock was sneaking through the crowd, licking any ears he could find. I couldn't believe so many kids had come to
my
party.

I looked back at the pool. Kyle was in the shallow end, floating on a pool noodle and talking to Aliya. He looked up and saw me in the window. He smiled, then waved. Aliya looked up too.

“Come on in!” Aliya shouted.

I nodded, but I didn't move right away. I couldn't. I felt flooded with so much happiness I didn't want to miss a drop. It was like a fire hose had been suddenly turned on and was filling me to the top.

Kyle looked up again.

“Hurry up!” he yelled.

I waved and called out, “I'm coming.”

That's when I remembered the guy who'd hanged himself at Halloween. I remembered thinking at the time that he'd had a good reason and suddenly I couldn't believe such a thought had actually crossed my mind. There's no good reason to miss the rest of your life, I realized. I also thought about the legless girl and the faceless boy. When they'd talked about being filled with happiness and finding purpose in their lives, I couldn't grasp it at the time. I couldn't begin to understand how they managed to feel happy when they had to live without parts of their bodies and the knowledge that they had failed so miserably in trying to kill themselves. But suddenly, with the warm summer air drifting in through the window and the sounds of a party going on outside,
my
party, I felt so attached to everyone that I glimpsed their meaning, ever so briefly. I understood that they didn't see it as failure but as a second chance, that they had been spared, had been given the gift to live on. The understanding was fleeting, but in a part of a second, a sliver of time, I felt connected to the kids outside, to my neighbourhood, to the city, to the world. I felt like I belonged to the kids outside my house, to my teachers, to my parents, to the people I didn't even know but who I saw every day, like the man who drove the bus I took to school. I tried to think if I'd ever said hello to him or offered him a smile. I couldn't picture his face and yet I'd ridden the same bus for almost three years.

I crossed the hall and looked around my bedroom. It looked happy and inviting with the sunshine flooding in through the window. I loved the new comforter Mom had bought at one of her sales. It was white with giant blue, pink, and lime-green circles. She'd bought new pillows to go with it too. My math binder was lying on my desk, but I already knew the list was gone. I checked when I first got home. Thanks to Kyle, math was the only class I managed to pass. But I knew it didn't matter, I had the summer to make up the other classes so I could still graduate with everyone next year. I looked at myself in the mirror and took off my T-shirt and shorts. I did look good in my bathing suit. It was a one-piece, not a bikini like the other girls were wearing, but still, I realized, I looked fit and tanned.

For a moment I just wanted to stretch out on my bed and listen to the commotion going on outside, but then I heard Joe calling my name. I knew he wanted to change the music and there was no way he was going to put on his crappy rap music and ruin my party.

“Coming!” I shouted as loud as I could, “Joe!
Don't you dare
touch my iPod.”

I twisted the ring on my finger — Granny's ring that Joe had rescued for me and Dad took to get resized. Whenever I felt it I knew Granny and Gramps were watching me from somewhere and cheering me on, that they wanted me to live. I looked up and smiled. Then I raced down the stairs and headed straight for the pool.