Destined to Feel (17 page)

My body is physically reacting to my shock and grief without my knowledge, while my heart feels like every bit of love is being squeezed out of it only to be replaced by extreme pain. I thought I knew and understood the pain of loss, but this is an entirely different experience —

sheer agony. My emotions are strangling me from the inside out, suffocating the breath in my lungs.

Those bastards have murdered one of the most beautiful women on earth, my best friend and my lover. My god, I swear they will pay for it. Suddenly hate and anger fuel a rush of adrenaline through my veins and I am momentarily overridden from these treacherous emotions. It takes every bit of control to stop myself smashing a fist through the car window and I have no doubt the slashing pain of the glass would be nothing compared to the anguish in my heart.

Instead, I jump out of the car and run straight into the hospital, the stitches in my knee hampering my usual pace and stride. I slam through the doors, turn right past reception and charge down some stairs that I’m hoping will lead to the morgue. I need to see her. To touch her face, her skin, and gently close the lids of her haunted eyes. Every muscle is tense as I swing through some double doors to see Sam and Salina standing before me, both running their hands through their hair in exasperation as they speak to the nurse. The atmosphere is charged.

‘What’s going on here?’ I yell. ‘Where is Alexa’s body?’ I search the empty room and anxiously yank at one of the drawers in search of the body bag I witnessed in the photo. ‘Tell me, where is she?’ I’m so hysterical I could shake the nurse to make her respond. Thankfully, Samuel’s voice distracts me just in time.

‘She’s not here, Jeremy. This is where Salina saw Alexandra’s body, but apparently she’s been moved.’ I shift my stare toward Salina.

‘She was right here, I saw her with my own eyes, I swear to you.’ She sounds almost as distraught as Sam, and she doesn’t even know Alexa.

‘I know, I know, your photo more than proved that.’ I can’t take the anger and despair out of my voice. I turn to the nurse. ‘Where has she been taken?’ I scream at her. ‘We must know.

Now!’

The nurse almost jumps out of her skin before nervously extracting herself from the room.

‘What the hell is going on here? This just doesn’t make sense.’ While we are alone, I attempt to open the drawers again, but they are all locked.

The young, English-speaking doctor comes to talk to us. ‘You shouldn’t be in here, this is for hospital staff only.’

‘I don’t give a shit about your rules and procedures, doctor. There was a woman in here, Dr Alexandra Blake…’ My voice catches as I say her name. ‘We know she was here, or at least her body was and now it has suddenly vanished into thin air. We need to know what happened.’

‘Please, please come out of here, you will get me into a lot of trouble. Please.’ His eyes almost beg us to follow his arm, outstretched toward the door. ‘Follow me quietly and I’ll tell you what I can.’

Reluctantly, the three of us walk out the swinging doors, down the corridor and follow him into a small room.

‘You should never have gone in there, it is not allowed.’

‘I don’t care what’s allowed and what’s not. Where is her body?’

‘Her body has been moved.’

All patience is lost as I grab him by his shirt collar and shove him against the wall. ‘Tell us where she has been taken.’ I’m seething with anger when Salina steps in between us and forces me to release him. I slam my fist into the wall in frustration even though I know my tactics are unnecessarily and uncharacteristically brutal.

‘Doctor,’ she says in a calm and controlled voice and I can’t deny I’m a little pleased she still has him firmly pinned against the wall. She’s not big, but she’s not to be messed with. ‘It is imperative you tell us where the body was moved. Dr Blake is an Australian citizen who has recently been abducted and now it seems, murdered, in your country. We have reinforcements on their way and unless you want to spend the next 24 hours in custody answering questions, I suggest you tell us immediately where the body was taken.’ She cleverly shifts her blazer so he can see her gun holster. This seems to prove a more effective strategy.

‘She has been taken the morgue in Villach Hospital, across the border. That is where Dr Votrubec will conduct a preliminary autopsy to confirm the cause of death. We don’t have the facilities in this hospital. That is all I know,’ he concludes, eyeing each of us nervously.

‘Thank you, doctor, we appreciate your cooperation.’ Salina calmly releases him and readjusts her blazer, once again concealing her weapon.

‘Right, you two, let’s get out of here,’ she says with authority, glancing at Sam and me. ‘They can’t be too far ahead of us.’ She takes her phone out to update Martin and agrees we’ll meet him and two other agents there.

Although relieved that we have something concrete to do, this knowledge gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my gut. I really don’t want to see Alexa dead but I know that, until I do, this just won’t be real. And at least following her body to Villach will defer the phone calls I am dreading having to make.

It takes us less than an hour to cross the border into Austria and locate the hospital in Villach. A significantly larger town and a different country obviously make a lot of difference.

Salina insists on waiting for Martin, but I can’t stand it. Sam looks mentally and physically exhausted and they wait in a cafe opposite the hospital entrance. Nobody has eaten much all day and it’s now late afternoon.

I can’t bear the thought of sitting down. ‘I’m going for a walk around.’

‘Don’t do anything stupid, Quinn. Smythe will be here soon.’ Just how incapable does Salina think I am, I wonder?

I give her a look of pure frustration and slam out the cafe door. I need to know Alexa’s fate. I have a fleeting thought that Salina has never been in love, or that she’s so well trained she doesn’t show a trace of emotion.

I head straight to the hospital but can’t get beyond reception. Eventually, I find myself in the embarrassing situation of being escorted off the hospital premises by security, unable to discover whether Alexa’s body ever arrived, let alone whether she is still in there or not. I return to the cafe with my tail between my legs, finally realising the capabilities of Martin and Salina far outweigh my own expertise in this area. They take one look at my face and I’m grateful they decide against a verbal reprimand. I acknowledge Martin’s arrival by briefly shaking his hand and quickly grab a chair from another table and slide in beside Sam as they continue their discussion.

‘We know they don’t want her dead and that the GPS signal stopped at Lake Bled. Agreed, the body bag is convincing, but may equally have been used to throw us off the trail.’ Salina and I raise our eyebrows at Martin simultaneously, astonished. He puts his hand up, signalling us to allow him to continue. ‘We have been able to establish that Dr Votrubec has nothing to do with the hospital here in Villach and, more significantly, nothing to do with transferring dead bodies across borders. So, Blake’s body must still be in Slovenia.’ Martin says this as professionally as possible, but I can’t help feeling like a complete idiot for being so easily mislead. No wonder they thought I was a psycho in the hospital moments ago! ‘We have also been able to establish that he, Votrubec, is financially retained by Xsade and is known to the staff in their Slovenian office.’

‘Do you have a list of Xsade executives and their contact details?’ I suddenly remember that Moira was hoping to send me the phone records of each forum member. It’s a long shot but you never know, they may provide a link…

‘Yes, I’ll email that through to you now.’ Martin picks up his phone and scrolls through.

‘Done.’ I nod in thanks. We return our focus to his authoritative voice as he continues. ‘We will return to Slovenia tonight and split up for surveillance at the Chateau and the hospital in Lake Bled.’ He motions toward two men sitting at the table behind us. I assume they are meant to be incognito, so don’t acknowledge them. ‘Salina, you stay with Quinn and Webster, keep your phone on at all times. Accommodation has been organised for you a few blocks from here.’ He hands over a document with the details and looks directly at Sam and I. ‘It’s been a long day and night for both of you. I know it’s hard but you need a rest before you can be of any use to anyone.’ Well, that certainly tells us where we stand. He looks solemn. ‘This situation is dangerous, I don’t want you leaving your rooms unless Salina knows. Are we clear?’ I don’t think I’ve been bossed around this much since my internship! It’s late and even I have to admit it has been an obscenely long day, so I don’t argue with Martin, he’s right, we need to rest. We must all look utterly dejected as we say our goodbyes. Martin pulls me aside before we depart.

‘Don’t lose hope, Quinn. This is not over yet.’ I nod my head in desolate thanks. If only I could believe him.

We check into a nearby hotel for some rest. It’s clean and tidy and will do for the night. I just don’t care. I feel hopeless, in every sense of the word. I know I should eat, so I order room service but find the only thing my stomach can handle is mashed potato. For the first time in my life, I medicate my sleep to numb the pain. I’m out for the count.

I’m wandering in a vividly green field, and somehow I sense I’m in Northern Ireland. I can see the fierce waters of the sea smashing against sheer cliff tops. I take deep breaths of the icy air and feel alive and invigorated. I walk for a long time yet my energy never wanes until I notice dark storm clouds rolling in from the horizon. The shades of black and grey tumble over one another until they are almost upon me. Rain splashes down against my skin, making me sodden and weary and I notice there are heavy chains weighing down my arms. My ankles and wrists become bound to an ancient wall. A scream escapes from deep within my lungs only to be snatched away by the ferocious howling winds slamming my naked body against the coarse bricks. A dark fog tumbles forward as though it wants to devour my body; terrified, I struggle against the restraints as it rolls thick and fast toward me. Trapped, I close my eyes and feel its chill ice through my body until at last it passes.

As I open my eyes, I sense relative calm and see a blurred vision of red floating in the remains of the mist. I struggle to see more clearly and I discern a figure in a hooded cloak. It moves closer and closer and its warmth infiltrates the deep chill in my bones. The heat intensifies as the ruby figure removes its hood. I stare incredulously into Alexa’s beautiful emerald-green eyes. I go to wrap my arms around her, but only manage to rattle my chains. I long for her to reach out to me, but her arms remain unseen, covered beneath the robe, only her face shining through. She kneels before me and without uttering a word takes me in her mouth. She starts slowly at first before her passion escalates and she sucks hard and fast against my rigid cock. I yell in torment at not being able to touch her; there’s an intensity in her face I have never seen before, a carnal confidence in her actions — something has changed.

My brain can’t function under her mouth’s ambush as I try to decipher what is going on. She is sucking and pulling as if she is sourcing the essence of my soul. She doesn’t stop until I pump into her beautiful mouth and she swallows until I’m drained — something she has never done before. She looks up toward me from her kneeling position and I find myself staring into piercing blood-red eyes the same colour as the robe, and her lips curl into a salacious smirk.

She replaces her hood and waits on her knees with her head bowed toward the ground as two other cloaked figures emerge seamlessly from the mist — both are in black robes and float either side of her, lifting her to her feet. Her hood shrouds her face and I lose all sense of my Alexa. In desperation, I scream out her name, my body shaking violently against the chains that keep me bound, my fear for her, for us, stabbing my soul, but I’m weak and drained. I watch the three figures turn, beyond my reach, and float away through the mist along the moor. I plead and scream for her return, for her to look back toward me once more. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my limp body as I remain tethered and helpless.

‘Jeremy, Jeremy. Wake up, you’re having a nightmare. Jeremy! You’re dreaming.’

Disoriented, I realise I’ve been woken up by Sam who is still forcefully shaking my body. I notice the sheets are soaked in perspiration as I attempt to re-establish exactly where I am.

‘Oh, Sam. Right…sorry…obviously a bad dream.’ I clear my throat, as my voice is hoarse.

‘You were screaming so loudly I could hear you next door, thought I’d better check. Salina had a spare key to your room.’

‘Really? Sorry to disturb you, Sam. I’m okay. Might just grab a drink of water.’ I notice Salina standing silently in the doorway, checking if everything is alright.

‘Here, I’ll get it for you, just stay there.’

The potency of the dream still lingers in my subconscious. I’ve woken up groggy, but as I come to, so does the pain in my heart — my reality is unchanged. Alexa is dead.

‘Any update?’ There’s barely a trace of hope in my voice.

‘Not really.’ We both sound as dejected as each other. ‘We can’t access any signal from Alexa’s bracelet.’

‘That’s strange. Do you think it’s been destroyed?’

‘Well, no…that’s the thing. If it were destroyed the program would have reported it, likewise if it were somehow removed. Body temperature enables the signal.’

I look at Sam and wonder if he’s just realised what he’s said.

‘Oh, um…that didn’t come out well, did it? Anyhow, there is no signal; the last one was at the hospital in Bled.’

‘Exactly where Salina saw her dead body.’ The conclusion to be reached suddenly hits me, and I collapse in sobs on the bed, the heartbreak too much of a burden to keep up appearances any longer. Sam tries to comfort me, but I’m not ready for his sympathy and shrug him off as politely as I can. He leaves to give me some space and closes the door behind him.

Eventually, I gather myself together enough to grab a cup of coffee knowing the next call I have to make needs to be to Robert. I pause to think of the strange sequence of events that conspired to bring me into Alexa’s life once again, and which led me to contact Robert a few months ago. It was triggered by one of my more casual discussions with Leo at his cottage at Martha’s Vineyard. We were philosophising about love and life, and laughing about the fact that we were two bachelors enjoying each other’s company without the presence of women. His bachelor lifestyle was by choice — he doesn’t believe in committing to one partner for life.