Destined to Feel (16 page)

‘Right, we are almost ready.’ I start to feel incredibly relaxed, really wonderfully relaxed, and can’t help but acknowledge this is a beautiful feeling. Warm, fuzzy and absolutely delightful.

Whatever he has given me is a great drug. Although I feel heavy, like a dead weight, I’m also soft and gooey. Happy days. I’m shifted back onto the stretcher.

‘Okay, Dr Blake, we shall look forward to seeing you on the other side. Please stay relaxed.’

Hmm, staying relaxed is the only option available to me as I hear something being zipped along my body. It continues until it covers my head and my line of sight vanishes. We begin to move. Just as the good doctor said. I don’t care one bit; they can do whatever they want to me when I feel this fantastic… I can’t begin to imagine what the next three days will hold…then nothingness blankets my brain like a snuffer putting out a candle’s flame.

PART FIVE

Sorrow is tranquillity remembered in emotion.

— Dorothy Parker, 1939

Jeremy

I lose all sense of which way is up as I continue to fall down the steep hillside. Rocks belt into my sides and legs as I attempt to protect my face and head as best I can. I feel a sharp rock cut deep into my knee but I can’t inspect the damage due to my gathering speed. Eventually, I slam thigh-first into a rock and come to a stop. Fuck that hurts, but I have no time for pain. My backpack is crushed between the earth and my back and I have no idea whether its contents have survived the impact. I gather myself up from the ground and limp as fast as I can back down to the village, desperate to tell Sam what I’ve just witnessed.

I finally make it and push open the door of our small room. There’s a woman in the room who looks a few years younger than me. Sam leaps to his feet.

‘Jeremy, what the hell happened to you? You’re covered in dirt and, god, is that blood?’

‘I fell. It’s fine, don’t worry about it now, Sam, we need to find out which hospital ambulances end up at around here. They have —’ I stop myself, both to catch my breath and so I don’t say too much in front of this stranger.

Sam realises and introduces us. ‘Jeremy, this is Salina. She has been sent as our bodyguard.’

‘What? What happened to — oh, it doesn’t matter.’ I can’t really come out and say I had just assumed the bodyguard would be male. I attempt to hide the disbelief in my voice. She looks about five foot seven and is slim with short dark hair cropped around her face. She certainly doesn’t look too dangerous but as I’m learning all too well — looks can be deceiving.

‘Who sent you?’ I feel a desperate need to verify everything first-hand given what I’ve just witnessed for the second time.

‘Martin Smythe. He’s responsible for assembling the team in Munich who are on standby for our update.’

‘Right, good.’ At least she seems to know what’s going on. ‘I’m Dr Jeremy Quinn. Pleased to meet you.’ I wipe my palms against my trousers in an attempt to clean my filthy hand before shaking hers.

‘Salina Malek. Likewise.’ She sounds all business at least.

‘So, tell us, Jeremy, what happened?’ Sam urges me to continue.

‘Not here, we need to get going. There’s an ambulance headed northwest on the road out of this village and Alexa’s in it. I’ll tell you the rest in the car.’

‘It sounds like they’re heading towards Bled, there’s a small hospital there, otherwise there is a large hospital in Villach across the Austrian border, if the emergency is more serious.

Where are the keys? I’ll drive.’

I must admit I’m a little surprised by Salina’s instant, proactive response, but I’m pleased she seems to knows her way around here. For a moment I am about to insist on driving, but I’m a bit shaky after my fall and subsequent dash to the hotel. I can focus on updating them and cleaning myself up in the back seat. I throw her the keys and she immediately catches them.

Good. Fast reflexes at least.

Salina wastes no time finding the open road and I’m impressed with her driving skills; nothing puts me on edge more than being a passenger with a bad driver. I look at my leg and my trousers are ripped, and there is blood still pouring out of my knee. As I fill the others in on what I’d seen, I rip my shirt sleeve and wrap it around the wound to try and stem the flow. At first glance, it looks like it may need a few stitches.

‘Bled is about 20 kilometres away from here. Are you sure this is the direction the ambulance was heading?’

‘Yes. I’m sure.’

‘Were the sirens on?’

‘Not when they left the chateau, only the flashing lights, then the sirens started as they turned off past the village.’

‘Okay, I think we should do a thorough search of Bled Hospital. It’s only small so, between us, it won’t take long. We should be able to see whether an ambulance is still there and recently driven. By the looks of your knee, you may need some assistance, regardless.’ She glances back toward me and I wish she would keep her eyes on the road.

‘I can stitch myself up, but it would be good to use some of their equipment.’

‘How was Alexandra when you saw her, J?’ Sam asks.

‘She actually looked okay. A little forlorn’ — I remember the sadness in her eyes as she looked at the Alps and, unknowingly, toward me — ‘but otherwise well.’ My voice catches on these last words and I swallow hard before continuing. ‘Then she disappeared for quite some time. I stayed in my position as soon as I saw the ambulance arrive and the other car being brought to the entrance. The next thing I knew she was strapped to a stretcher, lying perfectly still, before being whisked off down the mountain.’

Fuck, what could have happened to her now, what if she’s had a seizure from the stress? As if she wouldn’t be scared shitless after all she has been through the last few days. They could have given her a drug and she’s reacted badly, drugs have always had a more extreme effect on her than on others. I remember the impact the sedative had on her before we arrived at Avalon. I had thought it would help her, but she took a long time to recover.

‘Can you speed things up, Salina, we seem to be taking forever?’ I can’t take the edge off my voice, more from my own stress than anything else.

‘We will be there in less than five minutes, Dr Quinn.’ I notice the speedo registers she is going as fast as she can under the circumstances. She continues, her voice brisk. ‘Right, this is what we’ll do. You two go in together and provide me with a distraction to go and search the rooms and the basement. Hopefully, you can get your knee tended to.’ She glances toward me again. Eyes on the road, I plead in silent exasperation. ‘Samuel, you can check each person in the emergency wing, in case she is in there. Don’t stray too far from Quinn as you are unarmed and obviously these people are dangerous.’

I’m having difficulty assimilating Salina’s instructions, when I’m the one who is normally in charge. Unfortunately, there is not too much I can add as everything she has said makes sense. So I keep my mouth closed until we pull up at the tiny hospital.

‘Is that the ambulance?’

‘Yes, it looks like it.’

‘Good, hopefully they are all still here.’ She picks up her phone. Obviously, Martin is on speed dial.

‘Martin. Malek here. I’m with Quinn and Webster at Bled Hospital. Blake was sighted being loaded into an ambulance outside Kranj and we believe she is inside. We’re heading in for surveillance and will send an update ASAP.’

Efficient on the phone as well, obviously.

‘Ready?’ she asks. ‘Remember you are here as a patient, Quinn. Quite convenient that you had your fall under these circumstances.’ I don’t like being considered a patient or convenient by someone I barely know. It’s not like I’m looking for sympathy, but I doubt I would get it from her anyway. We both nod as she pulls up to the hospital entrance to let us out and then quickly parks the car in visitor parking. I don’t need to pretend to limp to the front desk, as the pain is steadily mounting in my knee and hip. The nurse speaks a little English as we attempt to explain my injuries. When she leaves her desk to come around to inspect my leg, Salina quietly slips by into the shadows of the corridor.

I try to explain that I’m a doctor as she escorts me into a small curtained room and indicates for me to sit down in the chair. She insists on finding the locum doctor and wanders off, giving Sam the opportunity to check the rooms on the other side of the hospital.

A friendly young Indian doctor eventually introduces himself and he speaks good English. I tell him I was hiking and that I’m happy to give myself stitches if he can provide the equipment.

He looks hesitant until I pull out my medical card from my wallet and then he smiles. ‘Okay, doctor, good. Very good.’ He shakes my hand before telling the nurse to supply me with what I need. Thankfully, the procedures at this hospital don’t seem to be as strict as in the States or Australia. When she returns with the equipment I get to work and as the doctor is still loitering around I decide to find out what I can.

‘Do you have many people working on this shift?’ It is the least busy hospital I’ve encountered for many years.

‘Only myself and two nurses. We are never too busy here. There is another intern who rosters on occasionally from Ljubljana and one specialist doctor who sometimes brings his own patients, but otherwise it is quiet most of the time.’

‘And the ambulance that recently arrived, is everything okay?’

He looks distracted as he fills in the paperwork. ‘Ambulance? Oh yes, that is the specialist doctor I was just talking about, one of his patients just arrived. Very serious. It’s not looking so good.’

I almost pierce the needle straight into my wound at his words. ‘What? What do you mean, not looking so good?’ I feel myself break into a sweat and I can’t keep the angst out of my voice.

He flips over the paper on his board. ‘You know how it is, Doctor…’ He looks down again at his paperwork. ‘…Quinn. You win some, you lose some.’

Fucking hell, what does that mean? He can’t possibly be talking about Alexa, can he? Surely he’s mistaken. I try to gather myself together and finish these bloody stitches as quickly as I can.

‘What do you mean lose some? Was there an accident?’

‘I’m afraid I cannot discuss our patients’ details with you. I imagine you will be very sore in a few hours. You’re bruising now, so it will only get worse by tomorrow. These will help.’ He hands me some painkillers for my injuries and effectively dismisses our previous conversation. I know he can’t disclose any information but not knowing is killing me.

Sam wanders into the room, shaking his head slightly.

‘Thanks.’ Bruising and physical pain is the least of my worries. It will be nothing compared to the pain if I were to lose AB. Can’t think like that! Where the hell is Salina? She should be back by now.

I’m sorted, so Sam and I thank them for their assistance and head reluctantly back to the car, in the hope that Salina has more concrete news of Alex’s whereabouts. I remind myself that she was perfectly physically well at the chateau. At least that’s what it looked like through my binoculars. What if I missed something? Nothing could have happened to her between then and now, could it? If it has, they fucking did something to her, and someone will pay. Anger and fear once again surge through my veins and my heart pounds heavily in my chest as I’m forced to wait impatiently in the car.

Salina’s brisk efficiency has disappeared as she walks slowly out the hospital doors towards our car. My heart immediately jumps into my throat and I feel sick to the core.

Something is very, very wrong. My mind is sheathed in dread as she slumps into the driver’s seat and closes the door. ‘It’s not good.’

‘What’s not good? What happened?’

She shakes her head. ‘Blake was taken to the hospital for a standard procedure. Something went wrong and her body has been taken to the hospital morgue.’

‘What?’ These words don’t make sense through the roaring in my ears. ‘That’s impossible.

What fucking standard procedure? It’s a lie, they are lying to you, there is no way she is in the morgue.’ Salina runs her fingers through her hair, looking distraught. Sam is slumped in the backseat, his face ashen.

I can’t stand this a moment longer, I can’t breathe in the confines of this car, I need to get out.

But as I open the door, Salina grabs my arm. ‘Quinn, stop. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.’

‘What, what did you see?’

‘This!’

She shoves her phone in front of me and I stare in disbelief at the image searing into my retinas.

‘What is it, Jeremy?’ Sam asks urgently. ‘Give me the damn phone.’ Salina takes it from my hands and passes it back to Sam.

I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I can’t move.

My brain and heart are frozen with fear.

Alexandra is dead.

There is no way this can be fucking true. I saw her alive at the chateau. Melancholic, haunted, but alive and breathing. This is impossible, my worst nightmare a reality. After all these years we finally get together, sort ourselves out, recognise the love for each other which has meandered in our subconscious for decades, ever since the first day we laid eyes on each other. No fucking way. It can’t be, it won’t be. I won’t let it. I pound my fists, trying to smash the dashboard, smash anything. My heart feels like it has been cruelly sliced in two, then four, and the cuts are rapidly multiplying as each second passes.

Oh my god, the kids, Elizabeth and Jordan. And Robert. What the fuck have I done? I’ve ruined a family. A family I was coming to terms with loving as my own. My body feels like a paralysed deadweight as I feel myself going into shock. This is bad… This is as bad as when Michael died, no, it’s worse. This time it’s absolutely all my fault. I’m vaguely aware of Sam leaving the car. Salina grabs the keys and follows Sam back into the hospital. This is all occurring around me, but is happening as if I’m not part of the scene. My body is anchored to the seat with chains of anguish and guilt.

I don’t know how long I have been sitting alone in the M5. Time doesn’t seem to exist in my new reality — a reality without Alex. I can’t escape the image of her face in my mind. A face that no longer registers movement or light, only death and darkness. The black body bag encasing her beautiful form that was so vitally alive and breathing just a short time ago. My hands shake and my body trembles. I’m unaware of the hot tears streaming down my face and pooling in my shirt.