Despite the Angels (14 page)

“Why you sad, Daddy? Why you smile and being sad?” Clare was trying now to climb onto his lap.

“Because life is very confusing, poppet.” David put his mug down and lifted her up, so that her dark curls were just under his chin and he could see grubby hands playing with his collar. Clare grinned up at him.

“Am I ’fusing too, Daddy?”

“No, you are probably the only thing that is straightforward. You and Caroline. You keep me balanced.” It’s true, he thought, if it wasn’t for the girls I’d be totally at sea. Though Kath would be happier. He stopped, his mind freezing over under the onslaught of the idea that had just surfaced. No, that can’t be true. How could she, she wanted a baby so much. She would miss them, she’d have to be mad not to. But in behind all these thoughts that he was desperately reciting like a mantra, was a bigger thought that might never go away, now that he had allowed it in. Kathleen would be happier without the girls. Oh no, he thought, oh no. Are they in danger? Surely not. Surely Kath wouldn’t do anything to harm them?

“Daddy, you’re squishing me!” Clare was pushing at his arms with her pudgy fists, her little face getting flushed. David opened his arms and kissed the top of her head.

“I’m sorry, Clare. I didn’t mean to squish you. I just had a confusing thought again.”  Clare nodded solemnly.

“You forgot me. Mummy forgets too. Is Mummy ’fused?”

“Yes, I think sometimes Mummy is very confused. I think maybe all the grown ups are. I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Listen.”

David waited, expecting a bird to sing, or Caroline to come singing through the house, but there was nothing.

“Listen to what, love?”

Clare was climbing down. “Listen” she said again and ran inside. David sat on, on the step that had been in the sun, wondering what he was meant to hear. There was traffic in the distance and a group of children were shouting and laughing in a nearby garden. A plane crossed the sky almost overhead, but he could barely hear it. Inside, he could hear Clare explaining something intently to Caroline, who as usual ignored her and carried on humming. It was all very normal and peaceful in its way, but nothing that was going to solve his confusion.

“Oh, God, what’ll I do?”

“Clare’s right, just listen,” said Jotin. “You’re still hopeless at hearing, I do wonder if we’re ever going to be able to get through to you all. I’m not God, as you could see if you knew how to look, but I’m in charge of answering you. But you really must start listening. I’m run off my feet here trying to get your attention, sometimes.”

“All I can think of, is carry on. The girls need me. They need a proper mother too, one who would put them first. But how can I arrange that?”

“Carry on is good. Lucy’s still too young. The girls do need you. And listen to me carefully for a minute – Kathleen will not harm them. You can forget that. She may not be terribly good for them, but she won’t harm them. And listen to me in future. Actually…... listen to Clare, too! I’ll have a word with the guide who looks after her. She can filter some messages through.  LISTEN TO CLARE.”

David smiled. He could still hear Clare trying to boss her sister. David always thought that Clare was the younger twin, but Kathleen said that as she always took on the lead role that she must be the older. Such a pity they weren’t sure, so silly. Clare could probably settle that argument, he thought, she seems to have an answer for everything she doesn’t have a question for. ‘Listen’ indeed! Little Miss Smarty Pants, people would call her, or ‘precocious’ if they were feeling polite. That’s all it is. High I.Q. probably. Hope it is, would be great if she does well in school. In the distance he could hear the front door opening and then a crash as it was slammed. David tensed and froze and heard, as he expected, two little voices shouting ‘Mummy, Mummy,’ as the twins launched themselves at Kathleen; and heard, also as expected, though he could not stop hoping it would be different, her tired voice saying ‘not now, girls, Mummy needs to relax.’ Then there were footsteps on the stairs, as Kathleen went up to the bedroom. And another door slammed.

“Mummy’s tired, Daddy,” said Clare. “Maybe she needs a cuddle.”

David smiled and pulled Clare onto his knee again.

“Give me a cuddle first, lovekin. Then my cuddle meter will be full and there’ll be some over for Mummy.” Clare planted a wet kiss on his ear.

“Do you want Caro cuddle too? Caro! Caro!”  Caroline ran in from the other room and seeing Clare on David’s lap, started to climb up too. David scooped her up and hugged the two girls fiercely, his face between their heads, feeling curls on one side and silky smoothness on the other.

“Hello, love, how was your day? Did you get what you wanted?” David sat down on the side of the bed, where Kathleen was lying with a damp cloth across her eyes.

“Of course not,” her voice was just above a whisper. “When do I ever? You’d think it was difficult. This lousy city has nothing.”  David picked up her hand and squeezed it gently.

“What were you looking for?”

“A last-minute holiday. Nothing. All sold out, not just the cheap ones. I went to every agent. You’d think they’d have something left for September. Not a fecking thing. I can’t bear it.”

“But we already had our holiday, Kathleen. You know that. We agreed before we went that that was it for this year. We’re spent up, if you want the kids to go to the Montessori this term.”

“You agreed. I never agreed. You just said it and I was supposed to go along with you. You know I can’t survive without getting out of this place every now and then. And foreign travel is good for children. Broadens the mind.”

“Maybe. Routine is good for them too. And you have ‘got out’– we’re only back four weeks. It was a good holiday, wasn’t it?”

“It was OK. But it’s over now, nearly a month and this place is killing me. And those girls are just whine whine all the time, I can’t hear myself think.” Kathleen turned over with her back to David. “They don’t think of me at all, just themselves.”

“Kath, that’s not fair, they’re only three. And actually it’s not true either. I came up because Clare noticed you were tired and told me you needed a cuddle!”

“Well, she’s wrong. I don’t want you pawing me. Particularly if you didn’t even think of it for yourself. Go away.” Kathleen flung back the duvet, got in under it and pulled it over her head. “Go and cuddle Clare if she thinks it’s so great.”

“Don’t be put off by Kathleen, David. Clare was right. A good cuddle would have helped. I’ll have to try to get through to Haliken, to tell Kathleen to listen to you! Oh dear, oh dear. It really is difficult this time round. What is it about the world now that none of you hear us? Arranging chicken entrails was messy, but at least you paid some attention to them. Much easier way back then. This scientific mindset is really hard to get through to.   Listen to Clare, David. Listen to Clare.”

“Mummy better now, Daddy? Not tired?”

“No love, Mummy is tired. We are going to make the dinner now.”

“I help. Caro too,” Clare went to the drawers and began taking out forks.

“Good girl. You lay the table, that’s right.” David started preparing food, listening to his daughter working her way around the table counting carefully as she laid out four forks, four knives –‘careful, sharp!’, four spoons. Her high voice was strangely soothing, with its repetitions and gentle confidence. As David chopped vegetables and peeled potatoes he thought back to the holiday. The girls had loved the beach, and despite his distaste for sand he had enjoyed their pleasure. They had built sandcastles with moats and he had even allowed them to bury him up to the neck, very inefficiently. Kathleen had laughed at his screwed up face and expressed pleasure that for once he had not been ‘disgustingly happy’ as she put it. She had been happy the first day in Spain. She was always happy on the first day of a holiday, amazingly so, as though a switch was thrown. One of the reasons I keep agreeing to go on trips, he thought, is that I get to have a proper wife for just one day. He smiled. I should go on loads of trips, short ones, two days each. Twice a week, then I could say I had a sex life. Maybe I should apply for a travelling job, then she might be happy.

“Yes, probably. But I don’t know of any jobs where you can bring your whole family. Maybe the circus! And of course you have to come back here to meet Lucy.”

She was happy the first day we moved in here, too. Our own house and it was like being on holiday for a day. But now it’s just boring her. She does nothing with it, doesn’t want to help with decoration, or new furniture. Not that we can afford much. Particularly with all the trips we have to pay for. Just as well I stuck it out at College and got the good degree and a decent job. Maybe when the girls go to Montessori Kath will relax a bit.

The doorbell rang. David wiped his hands and went to answer it. Caroline was dancing up and down beside it, shouting ‘who’s it? who’s it?’ David opened the door.

“James! Come in. Look, Caro, Uncle James!” Caroline held up her arms for a hug and Clare ran out to join them. There was a squealing bundle in the hall as Kathleen came down the stairs.

“Hello, James,” she said, “would you like to borrow them?”

“Hi, Kathleen. You look brown. Holiday not worn off yet?” David flashed him a warning look. Don’t mention holidays, he begged silently. Kathleen just smiled distantly and went into the kitchen.

“I brown too! And Caro!” Clare took James’ hand, to pull him into the garden, explaining earnestly about the new ball game they had acquired in Spain.

James stayed for dinner, causing great excitement for the twins, who pushed and shoved each other to be first at the cutlery drawer to get him a knife and fork, so that Kathleen screeched at them and had to go into the garden to get away. She came back after a few minutes and was tolerably polite to James, who she had never really spoken to since the night David had run away to him when she broke the news of her pregnancy.

“Do you mind putting the girls to bed?” David asked after dinner, “James and I would like to go round for a pint.”

“Oh, all right. Out you go. I can’t stop you, anyway. Come on girls. Bed.”

“Night-night Daddy. Have nice pint.” Clare kissed David.

“Night-night, big ears!”

“I haven’t!”

“Not really, it’s a joke. Night-night Caro.”

“OK, so what’s new? Or did you just come round for a feed?”

“Met a girl,” James’ face was beaming. “Last week. Gone out with her three times.”

“Whoa there! Careful. You know what happened to me. Go on, tell all.”

“She’s gorgeous. Blonde, slim in the right places,” James’ hands moved down through the air in a familiar gesture, “and clever too. And when she smiles, the world stops.” There was a long silence. David watched James staring into another place, where there was only himself and his girl. He thought back to when he had met Kathleen, years ago. Had she smiled at him then?

“What are you shaking your head for?” James asked.

“Just thinking. How quickly it can all go wrong.”

“Nothing’s going to go wrong. Julie is great.”

“Not with you. With me.”

“What’s wrong?”

David looked up, straight at James. James was looking puzzled and he blinked at David.

“Your girls are gorgeous. You’re so lucky.”

“Hmmm. Kathleen’s a handful, though.”

“Well, I know she’s not fond of me. But she’s pretty.”

“Pretty is skin deep,” David paused, wondering if he should say more, what to say.

“Go on. Nothing to lose. Maybe James can help.”

“Oh, Jim, I don’t know what to say. It’s too late for me, I’m stuck. Just don’t make the same mistake I made. Make sure Julie loves you, not your wallet, or your sperm-bank.” And David explained how difficult he found Kathleen, how lonely he was. “If it wasn’t for the girls, I’d have given up long ago. They keep me hopeful. But it’s still lonely, with no adult to share with.”

“Oh.” There was a long silence. “Can I get you another?” James turned towards the bar.

“Seems he can’t help you at the moment, Davy. His guide tells me he’s too excited by his Julie, who is right for him, that he just can’t imagine anyone being unhappy. Talk about something else.” Jotin sat close to David and stroked him gently.
When James came back with the drinks, they discussed football, what news they had of Paddy and Ken and the benefits of camping holidays. Apparently Julie was happy with the idea of living under canvas and David damped down his regrets and tried to let James’ happiness rub off on him.

“Mr Hyland. Yes. Dr McCarthy will see you shortly. There’s a bit of an epidemic, he’s a little delayed.”

“No problem.” David went into the waiting room and sat down. His last week in this job and he was moving on. Out of drugs sales into medical equipment, a different firm. Into management. A miracle really, a much more interesting job. Not that he minded visiting all the doctors. They were tolerant, for the most part and didn’t rag him too much about the quality of the free pens he had to give out. But it would be nice to be in something more productive. He closed his eyes and rested his head back. More money, too. When he’d told Kathleen, on their wedding anniversary, she had been delighted.